There is no I as that is what made me act so selfishly and have the A
I would actually suggest quite the opposite. There is you and only you. The question is, who are you?
The only way to truly love, respect and honor another is to do so for yourself first. In order to have and maintain a healthy relationship, with your spouse or anyone else, you must first be someone that is capable of doing so. In the same way that you cannot be a surgeon first and then go to medical school later, you cannot simply "go have a healthy relationship" because you are currently not capable of such a thing. I don't mean that in an insulting way, it's more like the surgeon example... you simply lack the skills. By your own admission above, you are selfish, abusive, and defensive. These are not the traits that support a stable and loving relationship, they destroy healthy relationships. Before you can even contemplate having a relationship, you need to change who you are at your core. If you continue to be a selfish, abusive, defensive person, you will fail spectacularly at your goal of being a good spouse. Does that make sense to you?
So... what to do about that? The first and most important thing to do is to get honest with yourself about your flaws. You are working on that now. But in order to stop being selfish and abusive, you first have to have a deep understanding of WHY you are that way, what made you that way, what you get from being that way, and an honest understanding of yourself, one that isn't clouded by the lies you've told yourself your whole life, and especially the ones you told yourself during the affair. These are easy words to say, but doing so is a process. Again, like going to medical school, it's not something you just decide to do and go do it, it takes time and effort, it takes deep understanding, it takes humility and courage and patience, and it takes a willingness to fail and get back up again over and over again about a thousand times or so. While on this journey, you will find that those same traits that you are trying to change will actually fight against you, and throw pitfalls and distractions and lies in your path to change. That is why so very few WS's manage to "get it" before they throw the towel in.
That being said, this is 100% do-able. Your goal is to become someone who loves and respects themselves. Honesty, integrity, decency, empathy, sympathy, generosity, sacrifice, authenticity... these are the traits of a good person, a person who is capable of loving themselves and others. You probably know people in life who represent these traits. Take a moment and think about the most genuine and wonderful person you know, the kind of person who would find a million dollars in the road and turn it in, the kind of person who would give you the shirt off their back, the person who is always there for others and always seems to have a kind word or gesture. If you could model yourself after one person, any person in the world, alive or dead, who would you want to be? What about that person makes you feel that they are so wonderful and special? Do you trust them? Do you respect them? Do you ever feel that they are being selfish or abusive? Or do they build others up, and love beyond measure?
The goal is to BE that person. Do you want folks to say, "Poor lady, she had her demons even though she tried?" Or do you want folks to say, "I want to emulate her because, despite the horrific adversity she faced and the years it haunted her, she made us all look up to her? She is someone that I wish I could be."?
Look, I can't guarantee that doing the work will save your marriage. It might not. You could be the most perfect person ever, it might not be enough to undo the damage done. But that's not the goal. If it was, it would simply be another form of manipulation, one more attempt to make the outcome that YOU want to occur, rather than the outcome HE wants or what's best for him. Rather, you will do this because it is the right thing to do. Because no matter what the ending of the story, if you love yourself and have done all that you can to be a better person then you will have the tools you need to survive and thrive, D or R. But know this... if R is to be an option, then THIS has to happen.
There is a universal truth, and it is this. Your BS will not stay with you if you continue to be a selfish, abusive liar. Period. In order to even consider staying and reconciling, then you have to show your BS that something about you has changed. They need to know that moving forward, things will be different. They need a reason to stay. And the best possible reason you could have for them to stay, is to become the kind of person who could not, and would not, ever cheat, lie, abuse and gaslight them, or anyone else, again. They need to believe that about you, deep in their soul. In order for that to happen, you have to change, at your core level. You have to face, fight and fix the things in your life that led you to the point where you became a liar and a cheater.
There is only you. Any sense of "us" means that there is a "you" and a "them", and that those two people make the daily decision and effort to be a "we". For now, the very best way to "help" your spouse is to stop making things worse, and to work on being someone worthy of taking a chance on. And that is ALL ON YOU. "We" comes later. Don't worry about it for now.
Start with your IC, if possible. Tell them that you want to explore what factors in your life led you to be who you are today, and ask them to help you learn to love yourself.
We are here for you.
