SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone,

I am very grateful this community is here, as I seem lost as ever.

To summarize, I have been married to my beautiful wife for almost 6 years. It hasn't be the best marriage. I prioritized my career too heavily early in our relationship and wasn't as supportive as I needed to be with raising our child. Our relationship hit a bad spot early this year. My wife wanted to take a break to focus on us individually, and I reluctantly agreed. My only condition was that if she were to have intimacy/sex with another person, I need to know. She agreed.

There is/was a man in her friend group that always made me insecure. They would go to baseball games with a third person and I discovered she one day went to get coffee with this man when she told me she was at work. I confronted her about it and she said that he was helping her through live struggles when I wasn't being supportive. Over the course of 4-5 months I would share my insecurities about this man and it was always expressed that I had nothing to worry about.

Almost three weeks ago I told her again about my feelings and she finally said "you have every reason to be insecure about him". She went on to describe that she kissed him once and had protected sex with him once back in April.

I wanted to know everything. Over the course of three days I grilled her to ensure I knew all the facts. On day 3 it became two sex events and multiple kissing events in April. I stopped asking as I could tell she felt so remorseful and regretted all the events with this man. Now this past weekend she shared more information voluntarily and it became 4 sex events, all of which unprotected, and a lot of kissing spanning from April to May.

I had so much anxiety and fear that I went to the ER that night for help and was STD tested.

I just have doubt I will ever know the whole truth. I want to fix things with her, but how do I ever feel confident this wont happen again? How do I trust that she is actually going to work and not meeting up with another man? How do I stop this constant nightmare visualizing her with him?

There is no way for her to verify these events as all texts have been deleted and are unrecoverable. This man (whom she and I have both worked with) wont respond to my inquiries and she has blocked him. He has a fiancé he is trying to protect, but I feel she should know as my wife is a carrier for HPV. To my understanding, their last communication (non-sexual) was in July -- but again, I can't confirm it.

For those that have been in my shoes: Does it get better? Is it fixable? Should I move on?

[This message edited by Whatdoidonow17 at 4:21 PM, Tuesday, October 4th]

There is so much you have left unsaid. Why would work make you a bad husband? Did you two have an open marriage from the beginning or did she want it and you reluctantly agreed. What kind of time did you spend with your child?
The fiancé needs to know ASAP.

It hasn't be the best marriage. I prioritized my career too heavily early in our relationship and wasn't as supportive as I needed to be with raising our child. Our relationship hit a bad spot early this year. My wife wanted to take a break to focus on us individually, and I reluctantly agreed.

That sounds like a false narrative, spun by your WW to justify her decision to cheat on you. We see this all the time here. Newly minted BH's come on here and take the "blame" for their WW's decision to cheat because the marriage was "bad".

The reality is that a woman who is on the path towards cheating manufactures ersatz "bad" into the marriage, to justify her decision to cheat. Nobody wants to be the villain in her own internal narrative. So she needs to do this.

Obviously, if there was a real issue, and if she was the type of spouse who was committed to honoring her marriage vows, she would take steps to try to fix the marriage. Instead, she created distance and used the space for unprotected sex with another man.

Previously, I had an employer that required I work ~60 hours/week. In an effort to provide for my family financially, I accepted it. It created the scenario where I would miss dinner every day with them and would go to bed fairly soon after arriving home.
I would spend all my days off with our child and her, but would lack on being there to support her through life struggles (ie: issues with her siblings, adjusting to a new job, etc.).

We did not have an open relationship. The "break" early this year was described to me to be an effort to work on ourselves, not to explore other relationships. I reluctantly agreed.

Strangely enough, this other man has no social media. He also has the reputation in our professional industry for doing this with a lot of women, as he is a doctor that preys on nurses. I can not find any leads to how to find his fiancé, even if I wanted to.

You can try to hire a PI. Also they may be able to tell her for you.

You need to find her. I would. If not he could come back.

Also he needs consequences.

Confused282's PI idea is an excellent one if you can afford it - in absence of other sources, this might be your only recourse. Others on this board might be able to give you some advice on recovering messages, etc... Perhaps a polygraph can be used as leverage to get more info...

Leaving that aside:

You working long hours and being tired does not equate to not supporting your wife. Sure, we can all work harder at communicating and supporting, but I don't get the sense that you were lacking in this regard.

From the timeline that you posted, she asked for a break earlier this year. She was sleeping with OM by April. I think there is a good chance this relationship with OM was going on in some form well before she asked for "alone time".

While the last statement might be debatable, what is not is that she has lied and obfuscated multiple times since you found out.

As far as the OM wanting to protect his fiancé - I assume your WW told you that. He is totally covering his own ass, and she is casting him as being noble and protective.

She is still not being honest or forthcoming.

Whatever else you do, do not rely on her to simply give you the truth unprompted. She is still, at the least, mildly "in the fog".

[This message edited by LostOpportunities20 at 5:21 PM, Tuesday, October 4th]

Hire a PI to find him, if you must. that seems to be the only option, if you really want to find him.
Ofcourse his Fiancé should know, if you are able to find her.

And you truly believe your wife, that she doesn't know where he lives, what his name is...nothing?
How did that relationship work?

I really don't understand the notion, that neglected spouses are like animals, as soon as they are being ignored, they have no other choice than to stray?

Her cheating is not on you!

It certainly sounds like you were played by your wife who was played by her doctor AP. DO NOT rug sweep this affair. If necessary, get a PI to find out about the fiancé and bust the AP who sounds like a real predator. If your wife works directly with the AP demand that she report the affair to HR.

Your WW must find another place to work now. You must not be so quick to offer reconciliation. She used your hard work to provide for the family as an excuse to cheat. You should be absolutely livid. This is a typical bullshit excuse given by so many WWs. I would recommend you dump her sorry ass but for the child.

There is so much work your WW needs to do. Others will fill you in on exactly what that entails. Both of you need STD tests and you should DNA your child if for no other reason but to drive home the point that you don't believe a word out of your WW's mouth. I'd make her take a polygraph for the same reason.

Blow this affair sky high. Your WW needs to suffer severe consequences for what she did even if the two of you stay together. If she is a health care provider of some sort there is no doubt that other doctors will come sniffing around. Such affairs seem to occur frequently in that industry.

BTW why in the devil did you give her the ok to screw someone else during your separation? Did she manipulate you into doing it? From the details you have provided it certainly sounds like she made a chump out of you. I am sorry to be so blunt. Unless she does major work on herself that includes counseling with a good therapist that specializes in infidelity, she will most likely cheat again and again and again until you have had enough.

Please protect yourself by preparing for the worst. Do not let her run the show ever again.

[This message edited by src9043 at 5:44 PM, Tuesday, October 4th]

Thank you for everyone's responses. This truly means a lot.

To answer a few questions:
She has left the job that she worked along side him before their relationship became anything flirtatious or sexual in nature.
They would never meet and his or our home for these events. They would meet at his father's business or in a car, as he has cameras at his home that his fiancé has access to.
I know the fiancé's first name, but not last name. I know the city they live in, his cell phone number, medical license number, and email.

I did feel pressured into taking a "break" earlier in the year. It was expressed as just needing to work on ourselves as individuals and we weren't going to be exclusive during that time. I truly felt and planned for that break to become permanent, but in June (after this affair) we reconciled without me knowing of these events. I made it very clear with her that if she had sex with another person, I would not reconcile. She obviously lied and put me in a tough situation now.

I am now in therapy to help with a few fears I have. The fear of what she is really doing when she leaves the house, who she may be texting/calling, if she has truly cut ties with this man, if this may have happened in the past earlier in our relationship without me know, etc.
I am being told that I need to focus on the future and not the past if I want to fix our relationship. Build trust and safety slowly, which may take years.

I just feel my anxiety and fears would immediately go away if I just elected to separate, but it isn't the route I want to go.

Hiring a PI is something I may look into. I don't have the finances to really put towards it, but I feel for the fiancé and feel she deserves to know.

Also you need to maximize your chances if you are going to stay with her (you probably shouldn’t, it’s gonna be tough) but if you are he needs to be exposed.

Exposing him to his fiancé will most likely keep him on a tight leash and might unknowingly provide you with an ally.

Also letting them know about the HPV will rock his world.

You need some justice.

You can talk to a PI and see how much it will cost.

You have enough information that it might be easy.

As for your wife. Forgot how old you are but if your in your 20’s or 30’s you have a long way to go and you already have this going on.

You would have a lot of time to rebuild. You cant focus on the future until you know it’s safe. It ridiculous to think otherwise.

She needs to be doing the majority of the work here not you. Don’t be the one doing the majority of the fighting for this relationship.

I am sorry this happened to you. I wish you the best of luck.

One last thing. Now you have learned a lesson. Separation always means "screw other man"

Next time there is a separation just file for divorce.

I am being told that I need to focus on the future and not the past if I want to fix our relationship.

By a therapist??

Find a new therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma. This is absolutely not how it works.

I know the fiancé's first name, but not last name. I know the city they live in, his cell phone number, medical license number, and email.

There are some low cost ways to figure this out. Google APs name age and city. See if there is a name that matches her first in the might be related portion. Those people finder sites collate data from multiple sources and line up people with addresses in common. Search his name in the county's auditor's site to get an address. See if she is listed as a co-owner.

If AP has a social media presence, bring up his friends list and search for the Fiancé's first name. If you get a hit check for photos together. If he doesn't have Social media or has privacy settings work through family, friends, and co-workers. Very few people don't leave some sort of trail to follow.

A long shot that skirts across the line is to check the inside of the mailbox door. Wouldn't do that unless everything else doesn't pan out, but with multiple people with different last names receiving mail at an address often the postmen will stick labels with the last names there.

It hasn't be the best marriage.

What do you really want? An affair is an inflection point in relationships. A kind of get out of jail card for the BS in respect to marriage vows. Is the terribly flawed wife you now know you have combined with an already flawed marriage likely to be satisfying to you? Reading between the lines of what you have written, I see you as more upset at AP than your WW. That won't last. Eventually you will realize that regardless of AP's predatory nature, your WW dove in to this with both feet. That she manufactured the break to allow herself this. Then your anger towards her will rise. Especially as more truths trickle out.

She has left the job that she worked along side him before their relationship became anything flirtatious or sexual in nature.

Yeah...That's unlikely to be true. A relationship or at least a mutual interest was there while they worked together. That's why when she had the break, aka hall pass, they were so ready for the affair. She, as most waywards do, is minimizing to what she thinks she can get away with. Have you broached the subject of a timeline and polygraph?

[This message edited by grubs at 9:52 PM, Tuesday, October 4th]

Whatdoidonow17, welcome and I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Sounds like your WW is a nurse and he is a Dr. My WW had an PA with a surgeon and was carrying on an EA with another surgeon….I too hate surgeons!!

In my case, my WW was dealing with a lot of issues at the time of her A’s. The PA surgeon was nice, he listened, showed interest in her, etc. He made a move one night while out with coworkers and she slept with him. Now, I didn’t find out all the background until after multiple ddays and TT.

I learned he was hesitant to sleep with my wife because he was worried about me finding him and beating him. My WW told him we were in an open relationship, that put him at ease.

I say this because the AP in my situation was also known for hitting on and sleeping with other nurses. I too wanted to believe my wife was seduced by this man. Truth was she wanted to sleep with him and came up with the open marriage crap so he wouldn’t hesitate.

Your wife is to blame, 100%. However, his fiancé definitely deserves to know. My wife’s AP was also engaged and I was about to let her know but karma took care of it for me. He was caught by his fiancé (and subsequent wife) soon after getting married and she divorced him. He also had to pay her family back for the wedding (>$100,000).

You made your fears known to your wife about this guy and she continued to lie to you until she admitted to sex once (how many times have we all seen this). Then twice, then more, and more. You probably won’t ever get the full truth but you do know that she wanted it, she wasn’t some damsel in distress that was wooed by some "Casanova".

I would do all you can to inform the OM fiancé, she deserves to know the truth.

I am totally stunned. She literally talked you into giving her a time out from her marriage to have an affair, and repeatedly lied to you right up until recently and yet shes suddenly so remorseful?
I'd be putting some seriously hard questions to myself before I'd take one step toward R. Otherwise there'll be a lot of rug sweeping shortly.
Dont rush into anything, shes shown you who she is, what she is and what she thought of you and your marriage. She should have a long way to go with a lot of hard work dumped at her feet for this. This wasnt a one off "Oops sorry dear" type of situation. This was WELL planned and executed.
I wish you luck and sincerely hope you take what everyone here says to heart. Otherwise there might well be a strike two eventually.

Sorry your name should be WhatdidnotIdo17

She asked for the separation to start the affair

Your expressing your concerns to WW and trying to contact OM is like trying to get help from the robber to resolve a robbery.

Now she is acting like get it over because I am very important to you and she has no remorse.

Is that the case? i.e. you depend on her emotionally and physically for your wellbeing?

If it is not the case it is better to go your own way or show her consequences like threatening divorce to check her reaction. As it says act like trying to end it to save the marriage with your honor intact

Ask your wife for the GF details, if she is really remorseful she will have no problem helping you to find the OM's girl friend. Also you can lodge a complaint to OM work place about his professional conduct with subordinates

[This message edited by goalong at 11:19 PM, Tuesday, October 4th]

You're WW most likely knows all the details about the betrayed fiance,she's been involved with OM for many months, she probably knows where she works, last name, social media, etc., if she knows this info (again very likely) and has an ounce of remorse she will volunteer this info to you, otherwise she would still be protecting her boyfriend. OTOH a PI based on what you posted a good PI could find her info in a very short time, probably a day or two, ask him about data recovery from her phone, also as others mentioned, demand a full panel STD/STI and pregnancy test from your WW and do not put R on the table now, she's likely still not sharing important details, and a polygraph may be in order.

I also suggest you expose her to both sets of parents (yours and hers) for her huge betrayal, nothing kills an A faster than full exposure without warning, just because you now know doesn't mean the A won't go deep underground or resurface in the future. Contact a D attorney and also one who specializes in sexual harassment litigation to know your legal options, however based on the short M and early betrayal I suggest you file for D and cut your losses now. Keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation.

I had an employer that required I work ~60 hours/week. In an effort to provide for my family financially, I accepted it. It created the scenario where I would miss dinner every day with them and would go to bed fairly soon after arriving home.

I would spend all my days off with our child and her,

To rephrase that, you worked your fingers to the bone to support your family. When you weren't working, you devoted your time to your wife and child. You are a honorable, decent, caring man. The kind of man a family can rely upon. The kind of man any decent woman would be happy to be faithful to.

Your WW "thanked" you for your hard work by manufacturing an ersatz rift, and using the space to fuck another man. I think that tells you everything you need to know about her character.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 12:10 PM, Wednesday, October 5th]

I'm so sorry you're going through this -- fwiw, my WH also was very involved in work and hands-off with our 2 kids... and was the one who stepped out. So don't blame yourself for the spot your marriage is in.

Fingers crossed for your reconciliation. I don't know if it gets better or if it's fixable (only a month out myself and my husband now lives with the OW), but I'm sending you good karma!

I am really sorry man. Your wife is 100 % in the wrong here. She did not use the time to work on herself. She used it to try and replace you.

Let that sink in for a minute. It is up to you what you want to do, but clearly there were issues already (Not all caused by you BTW) and you need space to consider if you can move through her lies, deceit and manipulation to have a good M where you do not have to choose between a faithful wife and working toward financial security. . .which I will point out benefits her too.

As a though exercise ask your wife to really think on how she would feel if the roles were reversed during your seperation. I'd doubt she'd be as diplomatic and open as you are being. She is supremely selfish and isn't likely to change until she hits rock bottom.

Yes please fire that therapist. They are telling you to rugsweep without actually helping you heal. If that is a MC . . .stop immediately. Too soon for that. Find an IC thst will help you find some clarity. All MC is foing to do is force you back i to an unhealthy situation. Doing MC too early was'a mistake I made too. You need to change your approach if the therapist seems to be taking your WW side and enabling rug sweeping.

I would put some time into finding hid fiancee. She really should know who she is intending to marry. You would have appreciated if soneone told you, right.

Keep posting. Spill it here. We can help you figure it out.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 1:09 PM, Wednesday, October 5th]

I feel you are not seeing what's really going on.

Your WW is manipulating the narrative.

Fear of change has put you in a state of shock where you can't think clearly.

Take a deep breath and try to distance yourself emotionally from your wayward wife.