SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was quite active in WS forum during last year. Very grateful to all of the support and feedback, that helped me a lot to understand myself and why I did what I did.

Now, long story short (since the long story is already in WS forum). With my ex-wife we have been living separate lives for around 1,5 years. Lot of what has happened, but most importantly we have given priority to being best parents we can be and to sort our own private messes.

I know that we both individually in a very good place mentally right now, with our lives settled in this new, divorced way. And to be honest, for first time in 3-4 years (maybe even longer) I feel at peace with myself. That absolutely amazing feeling, I must say.

We have spent last month taking care of the kids together during the weekends and it is been a joy to chat, laugh together and establish a friendship. From time to time we are approaching topics of our past and we both have been very careful to avoid blaming each other, but still speak about our pain. I appreciate a lot the effort that my ex is putting in, I know that she is really trying (myself too). I think we would not get to this point if the divorce did not happen (especially myself), maybe it sounds sad, but there is no way that I would understand my actions without having this major kick in the ass.

The thing is, we are about to start dating again (I mean we agreed to go for a first date this weekend). I did not stopped loving my wife, but also acknowledged to myself that if it over, it also fine and I am able to move on. I think that is the reason why, once divorce dust settled, we both were able to approach co-parenting in a respectful way and it led to new-found respect to each other.

I am extremely excited, but at the same time trying to tame the emotions. We have an agreement that if we attempt reconciliation, it must happen very slowly. Fear also creeps in - my ex has done so much work to heal herself, I have built this calm and steady peace of mind, that allows me be a better person (also for my children), what if we end up where we already left 1,5 years ago, that would be a disaster not only for us, but also for our children...

Now to the point, those who managed to reconcile successfully, especially after such a break. How did you approached the whole process (new relationship vs restoring old one)? Maybe some recommended reading?

[This message edited by Spaceman at 6:56 PM, Thursday, February 9th]

My wife and I didn't take a break away from each other, but it really took us two years of working both individually and as a team to truly start our R.

Two years of not being sure which way things would turn out.

So, strangely enough, R started when I let go of the outcome. That, I knew I would be great either way things turned out.

You and your wife may be at or near that point.

Ultimately, my wife went full rebuild and eventually, and I do mean eventually, connected the dots from our good days before the A.

To answer your question, it's a bit of both reconciliation and a new beginning.

I would aim for complete honesty with each other, and you will find with ANY good relationship, trust gets built over time (and that 100 percent blind trust was never a good idea in the first place).

Be kind, give to each other, don't take.

Progress is SLOW regardless of your approach, because it takes a very, very long time for a BS to heal from this trauma -- not everyone makes it back.

Any books on healthy relationships should help if you look for them, I read a bunch 5-7 years ago.

There are no shortcuts.

We just made sure to rebuild this thing into something we both wanted.

I don’t have any experience with this kind of situation, but I wanted to say good luck, and I hope the date goes well and that both of you move forward toward whatever is ultimately best for each of you.

So, from my perspective, I still focus mostly on my side of the fence rather than seeing it through the relationship filter . I think as we evolve so do our relationships.

The affairs (mine and his) represent to me our own respective unhealthiness. If one person is unhealthy it dictates the health of the relationship.

If both are mostly healthy that is going to make the relationship easier to navigate. For example, You might have as many problems but you see them differently because you have grown skills to cope with them more effectively.

As old wounds pointed out, your wife’s healing may take some
Time yet. So for now you may do better just focusing in your own behaviors and trying to meet her needs.

It may be some time before she reaches a stage of healing that she can be ready to start matching some of your efforts. You have to be okay with that and not interpret it as an answer too early into the process.

Some of the patterns didn’t return for us because one of us eradicated it from ourselves, no longer feeding a particular dynamic.

I don’t think of it as if we repaired our old relationship or built it new (though it’s far more the latter for me if I had to chose)

I think of it as each day, I wake up committed to doing my best. In as many categories as possible, prioritizing the things that matter the most and make me happiest.

My marriage is at the top of that list so I make sure to be demonstrative of love daily in the ways that I treat him. I put as many positives in the bucket for us that I can.

I guess my point is, you don’t have to figure out the whole puzzle. Figure out today. Keep figuring out today. Be present, be loving and appreciative, try and create win win situations. When you find you are tripping on something, figure out why and keep evolving.

I think if you do that you will find that you will keep the good parts of your prior relationship and keep adding to them. If you encounter an old pattern that isn’t serving the two of you, try to make it the two of you against that problem.

You are going into this with more self awareness and the ability to be calm and happy just existing. Take it one day at a time and one thing at a time. Don’t worry about much past that.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:53 AM, Saturday, February 11th]