SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Advanced apology for the long post - it's therapeutic for me to write though.

Been together 14y, married 7. Have two beautiful, young kids. She's always suffered somewhat with depression which got worse after kids. I did everything I could to help her (took kids on weekend trips alone, gave her space, we put kids into childcare super early, etc). I was never the husband who worked late and let her deal with kids alone. I did strictly 9-5 and helped before and after work / did most on the weekend to such an extent that my parents / brother thought I was being used. She was always appreciative.

We had several milestones which we thought would help e.g. when kids reach a certain age, go to school, buy our dream house and finally when she goes back to work. We reached all milestones.

She got a great job which I fully supported (by taking on more time with kids so she can focus on building her reputation / career and get into it etc) and giving her advice. This was 6 months ago. She worked as a contractor who in turn contracted her out to a big company. She told me early on that her boss at the big company had a reputation for 'liking pretty girls' in his team, was divorced, bit of a di*k, etc. He seemed good to her, however, and tried to hire her away from the contractor company at nearly twice the pay so that she would work in his team directly. She got a great (almost excessively so) compensation package and promises of quick career progress. He did make some dodgy comments to her via Teams messages during the hiring process which my wife showed me and we agreed that she should screenshot them for HR but couldn't say much right then as he was the one hiring her (so could change his mind / give lower package and so on).

Fast forward 3 months, she formally joined the big company but she remains depressed / stressed despite the great job. Says she’s just so busy.

Shortly after I get Covid and we get into a fight as that meant she had to take care of kids (as they’re not vaccinated). I complain of her selfishness and she just suddenly says we ‘lost our connection’. I am shocked. Suddenly it's not depression (which she has a therapist for), it's our marriage on the line.

I recover and a few weeks later she flew abroad to her family for a birthday of her aunt which I knew about / saw pictures of so not fake. I think great, she can recharge her batteries, will be fine and I took care of kids 4 days alone. We write intimate messages and things seem ok. When she comes back she tells me that same night nonchalantly that she 'needs to leave' to go into an AirBnB for a few weeks to find herself as she doesn't understand why she's still so discontent with the perfect life she has. She says 'lost our connection' again.

I try to help the situation, do more with kids, give more space, I try to do sweet things (buy an old Nokia phone – "connecting people", get it?), offer MC and take her on dates but she just worked throughout. Apparently at work her boss also stopped talking to her which she said is because his daughter had died (I have no reason to believe that's a lie as apparently he was off for a long time in the weeks before this).

2 weeks pass and I need to go abroad for a long weekend as my grandfather is dying and wanted to see me. Her mom comes to our house to stay with her and help with kids. We message throughout including sexting and romantic messages and I feel fine / things are looking up. Within half an hour of returning home, she told me she needs to go on a walk with me where she says again she HAS to leave for a few weeks to find herself. Soon. No point to do MC. "It's over for now". She’s so confused. She doesn't know why. Lost connection etc. I’m hurt and confused myself.

The next day I send an email on logistics as we have kids so not so easy for her to just move out. I also ask her to reconfirm (which I asked verbally many times) that there is no one else as I don't understand why things are moving so fast. That night we talk about the e-mail and logistics and a few other points. I push to get an answer about someone else. She says she doesn't want to talk about it again as she already answered. I keep pushing. She admits there was someone she had feelings for but nothing ever happened. I push again. She says they went on a few dates but no kissing. I push again. Yes to kissing but no sex. Final push, yes they had sex but only once and they broke it off as his gf found out. Won’t say who.

We separate the next day and she goes to a hotel to finally ‘find herself’. We use our anniversary hotel points to pay for the stay at a crappy local Marriott. I send her a list of questions (who, how long, when, etc). She leaves me a long voicemail about how sorry she is, how she’s struggling with depression, how I don’t deserve this. Her therapist told her she’s not sure if she had the affair for self-destructive reasons or whether it "was something reasonable she had to do for logical reasons". WTF does that mean. She finished the VM saying she’s sorry that she’s so messed up inside that she had to destroy it all. I respond to e-mail again saying thanks for VM but I need a response to my questions which she hasn’t answered. She writes back the next day it was her boss, it happened two months ago and again it’s over.

My brother comes to support me. Two days later I ask her straight – do you want a divorce? 14 years of marriage and 1h later she responds with yes. 30 min later with ‘I’m really sorry’ which brings us to now.

I’m fucking devastated, hurt, angry and a million other things. Feel used. Feel sorry for the kids who will suffer (even if though we are trying to minimise impact). She had first hand experience as a child whose parents were divorced how bad this was. Yet still did it anyway in an extremely short period of time. She never said she was unhappy with us, only that the affair taught her there must be something missing in our relationship (thanks!).

Anyway, rant over. Starting divorce now. Any thoughts welcome!

So sorry you are going through this.

There is not a "logical" reason for an affair. Self destruction is closer to logic than "because it felt good" which is generally the most basic and correct answer. An exit affair really is a think of cowardice. Some people don't have the guts to end things directly, and societally we sort of accept this as closer to the standard narrative of cheating.

What I have learned is that the excuses of an exit affair may or may not actually indicate an exit affair since many "cake eating" type of affairs are justified through relationship history rewriting and arguments like "we were already divorced in my mind".

Either way, just accept divorce as your current path and move forward in a way that protects you and the kids the best. If her A is in fact over, I'm guessing she will backpedal really quick on a lot of things she has said. Going from having a stable family life and a secret lover to having no one is a massive loss from her perspective.

Two basic "facts" (as far as anything can be a fact in human behaviors and interactions).

There is no logical reason for an affair.
Affairs are NEVER because there is something lacking in the marriage or the betrayed spouse.

Other than that – I encourage you to deal with reality with reality. Contact an attorney and understand the process, the cost and all that. If you can, then try to apply a calm and logical mindset to that process, because divorce is governed by a set of processes, rules, regulations and laws that will apply to your situation, no matter if you think them fair or just or correct.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you've had to find us. There are some great posts pinned at the top of this forum and the Healing Library to provide some great information for you.

Infidelity sucks and is the worst pain I've ever been through. It can also scramble your brain, and a slew of other things.

This is a HER problem. Nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say (whatever lame excuse she comes up with) caused her to have an A. She didn't take the stance to defend your M.

I would suggest IC (Individual Counseling) for you, with a betrayal trauma specialist.

People will be along with more advice. One saying we have is to take what you need and leave the rest. So, take the advice that works for you and leave the rest.

Sorry you had to find your way here, but there are thousands of people here who have been where you are now. They can give you good advice based upon their experiences.

This website has a very good Healing Library at the top of the home page. Many great articles. Here is one you should read several times and try to internalize all that is being said.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/calling-all-bses/

Another one that should be a must read for you:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/tactical-primer/

Another one to check out are the abbreviations as no one spells out words much anymore. A few of the most common ones are:

BS = Betrayed Spouse

WS = Wayward Spouse

WW = Wayward Wife

AP = Affair Partner

OM = Other Man

OBS = Other Betrayed Spouse

BH = Betrayed Husband

BW = Betrayed Wife

Some of the responses you may receive may seem overly harsh to you. Please try to take them in the spirit that the poster is trying to help you and their wounds might still be fresh as yours are.

Other posters will be along and give you some good advice.

Again, sorry you find yourself here, but please know you came to the right place.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 6:23 PM, Wednesday, April 12th]

First, get yourself to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row, and file. Since this is a workplace affair and the boss has a history of shady behavior, you want to make sure that your wife remains gainfully employed when the ink is dry on your divorce and that you don't end up with a lackluster settlement or paying alimony. Also, she's more likely to be amiable to a favorable settlement if she's in a state of infatuation and gleefully planning her post-divorce future with the other man (OM).

Is OM married? Typically on SI, we advise telling the other betrayed spouse (OBS), both because it's the ethical thing to do and because exposure usually helps end the affair. However, in your case, I would hold off only telling the OBS until your divorce is final, for the strategic reasons above.

Second, make sure that you document everything that you do for the kids and all of her extended absences from the home. She might try to sue for full custody and child support on the basis that she was a stay-at-home mother for much of their childhood, so you need to make sure that you can make the case that you were an active co-parent (if not the primary caregiver much of the time).

Third, think long and hard about how you will react if your wife starts to drag her feet or backtracks on wanting to get a divorce. She might say that the affair is over, but that is unlikely; I don't think she would've asked you for a divorce if she wasn't sure she would have a soft place to land. However, she might try to crawl back to you-- her Plan B-- if the affair cools and/or it becomes apparent that OM has no intentions of leaving his wife or, if he's single, committing to her.

If that happens, you need to decide whether this relationship is acceptable to you, as it sounds like it was pretty one-sided even before your affair. You would also need to decide what your demands would be to even consider reconciliation. The worst thing you could do is welcome her back with no conditions.

Sorry you find yourself here. You have received excellent advice. Take care of you and your children.

This struck me:

"She never said she was unhappy with us, only that the affair taught her there must be something missing in our relationship (thanks!)."

This really is very revealing. Your WW starts a new job, her boss flirts and pursues her, and she gives in to his advances and has a PA. Her conclusion is that she strayed because of something missing in your M. Huh? See how she deflects rather than look inward. Does she ask: what happened to my moral code? My integrity? My commitment to my BH and family? She would rather run away than face her failings. She would rather make excuses or blame the relationship. She is the type of person who hates facing consequences for her actions. Easier to run away.

Do not pursue her. Let her go. Take care of your children. Communicate only for finance or custody issues. No idle chit chat. Do not engage or argue.

You can’t control her or nice her back. Do no do the pick me dance. It never works.

See an attorney, learn you rights, and move forward with the legal process. If she ever comes around and begins to show remorse and the ability to take responsibility, you can always stop the process. Sending strength. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:06 PM, Wednesday, April 12th]

I’m sorry you found yourself here. Please accept that for now your Wife is gone, lost. Nothing you can do to nice her back. She is destroying your family from within and has to be treated as such.

Please see an attorney and implement the 180. When her AP is done with her and you have nothing to do with her, she will get a big heaping dose of reality. Do not chase her, don’t let her blame or shame you, take care of you and the kids. She is gone

Why did it take you so long to marry? Seven years is a looong engagement.

There are many people who cheat that say they are depressed. I don’t suffer from it but I know several who tell me they would do anything to get it to stop. One woman told me it was like living in a black hole. She cheated and wrecked her marriage.
The sneaking around, the lies, the texts, the many phone calls flood the brain with positive chemicals and to a person who has never felt euphoria it is addictive. No excuse for cheating and lying. You can get those feelings from a roller coaster.
I think this boss is leading her on. I doubt he has any idea of it being permanent. She has young children and he probably does not want to deal with that.
She might never had felt real passion for you and after going to work decided she needed to leave because there is someone she might feel that for. Be careful what you wish for. I know a woman who left her husband and married her AP. It did not go well.
Please accept reality and move on. Stress is a killer and you need to be healthy for your kids.

I did everything I could to help her (took kids on weekend trips alone, gave her space, we put kids into childcare super early, etc). I was never the husband who worked late and let her deal with kids alone. I did strictly 9-5 and helped before and after work / did most on the weekend to such an extent that my parents / brother thought I was being used. She was always appreciative.

We had several milestones which we thought would help e.g. when kids reach a certain age, go to school, buy our dream house and finally when she goes back to work. We reached all milestones...

Posts in JFO, many times, start off with this similar preamble before we get into the cheating details. My first post here on SI started off with a very similar preamble. Our first thoughts after discovering an affair is, "What did I do to deserve this?".

You did nothing to deserve, THIS. The trauma caused by betrayal is torturously sadistic and not deserved by anyone for anything, not even your worst enemy, let alone your betrothed.

You could be the model spouse, excellent provider of every need and still get cheated on because the problem is never with the BS and always attributed to serious underlying issues with the cheater.

Cheating is a form of aberrant behavior involving flawed reasoning, compartmentalization, carelessness, irresponsibility, self and mutual destruction, impulsivity, egocentrism, disassociation, selfishness, addiction, escapism, dishonesty, deceit, disrespect, hypocrisy, and just about every negative human trait you can think of.

There is nothing good or right or just or well-reasoned about an affair, it’s just fundamentally wrong and bad and has been recognized as such since the dawn of man.

So, the first thing you need to do is, stop blaming yourself. The problem lies squarely within her. This is HER problem, her mess and, if there’s ANY chance of reconciliation, SHE has to clean it all up. Don’t even try to drive R from the backseat. She has to drive. She has to initiate and do all the heavy lifting. You-yourself, can’t save this marriage. Only she has the power to do that.

The best you can do right now is take care of yourself, the kids, protect yourself, enforce boundaries and ensure you don’t get trapped in limbo. Make sure you’re moving along a definitive path out of infidelity, towards genuine R or D.

I

If you're headed towards D, do not get your wife fired, have her keep her job and get the bet settlement you can. After that, remember those screenshots of the Team's messages. I'd send that off to the company and show them the divorce papers, along with any other proof you have of the two. Scorch that earth buddy, but wait until your D is final. I'm sorry you are here, but there is a great life after D, I'm living proof. Just get it wrapped up.

As for the kids, don't get too stressed. As long as you're a good dad, and it sounds like you are, your kids will adjust to the situation. Get them counseling if they need it, and go NC with the WW except for kids and money. YOur attorney can advice you on that.

As for the whole I need to find myself bullshit, don't fall for any of it. All that means is codeword for WWs to go bang the AP. I need time (to decide if I choose him over you, while I go bang him some more). Save yourself the grief and go NC.

Starting divorce now. Any thoughts welcome!

Full speed ahead.

No matter how fast the divorce, though, it is going to take time to heal from this and move on in the heart. If you understand that, you won't be upset with it...as much. Your world got rocked. Be patient with yourself.

I’m sorry you’re here.

This is not about you or how much you tried or didn’t try. It’s about her defective moral code.

I agree with all the advice above. Get your ducks in a row, divorce here asap, and then inform her workplace and the other betrayed spouse.

But also, take care of yourself. When you wake up every morning, think of one small thing you can do for yourself, and one small thing that builds your relationship with your kids. Then do those two things. Eat healthy food, exercise, and go outdoors.

Read Steven Stosny’s Living and Loving after Betrayal. It will help you get a hold on yourself. Turn away from your wife, and communicate only about necessary things.

One day at a time. You will get to a better place. ❤️

Her therapist told her she’s not sure if she had the affair for self-destructive reasons or whether it "was something reasonable she had to do for logical reasons". WTF does that mean.

"WTF does that mean" My thoughts exactly reading this too. My guess is that what WW's therapist said there is just something that she got from that (awful) accreditation program that originated from the University Of Rugschweeping. Good grief!

I am so so sorry you are here for this reason. It was absolutely NOTHING you did. But you know what you need to do already. Please feel free to come on here and rant as much as you need!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 6:00 PM, Thursday, April 13th]

Her therapist told her she’s not sure if she had the affair for self-destructive reasons or whether it "was something reasonable she had to do for logical reasons". WTF does that mean.

This could just be what your WW is telling you and not necessarily what the therapist says. Consider that you can no longer trust what she says even regarding the state of the affair (it having ended) or the start/duration of it.

Also be prepared for her to start setting the narrative with family, your kids and friends as D starts to materialize. From her comment above, sounds like she's already starting to come up with 'logical' excuses for her actions.

Me, I'd want to gather a bit more concrete evidence if you have the stomach for it, for ammunition through out the divorce proceedings. Best of luck with the crappy situation you've been handed.

Thanks all. Just spoke to a lawyer here in the UK. Feel so deflated as she still holds all the cards. We need to apply for a divorce and then wait 5 months before we can reach a legally binding financial agreement. She can change her mind at any stage between application and the end of 5 months. So while she is now in the affair fog and claims she won't try to profit from me, she can easily go back on her word and take me to the cleaners...

So while she is now in the affair fog and claims she won't try to profit from me, she can easily go back on her word and take me to the cleaners...

Sorry to hear that. This is probably indicative of the affair still ongoing or her having eyes or aspirations on another one. Her changing her mind is not only dependent on the actions of her AP but also whatever legal advice she may receive between now and 5 months from now. This is why it's often suggested to gather hard proof of the affair as ammunition for the possibility of exposure should (when?) she turns hostile. If she has a new AP or still the boss, the thread of work exposure, OBS, etc. can sometimes help keep the WW in line.

This won't change your resolve but hiring a PI and having her tagged for a few days could give you that added insurance.

So sorry. You did all the rookie mistakes everyone is gonna do. The whole pick me dance, being overly accommodating because you had no idea how to deal with the whole situation. Stay strong.

How about suing the Boss and the company for exploiting subordinates and for allowing a company culture that allows it

No. She can’t change her mind. Well… it only matters if you want to change YOUR mind. You state very clearly that you want a divorce and if you still want a divorce when it’s finalized then that’s what you will get. A divorce. Even if she’s begging you to remain married.

Part of the initial agreement is the proposed distribution of debt and assets. As a rule that’s the base for the final settlement. The only way she can take you to the cleaners is a) if the initial settlement is grossly unfair (as in she forfeits the house, the vehicles, the savings and whatever right she might have to your pension) or b) you agree to give her more than her legal share.

Drop any preconceived perception you might have about divorce leaning towards one partner rather than the other. Unless you have an extremely complex financial arrangements with trusts, companies, inheritances and such then it’s a very standard process. It’s just that owning half of what you used to own half of with her always feels somehow less.