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It's been two weeks since D-day and I'm still don't know whether to file for divorce or try to reconcile with my WW and I just need to get my story out.

Here's a little background, my WW and I have known each other since high school 20+ years ago, we have been together for the past 11 years and married for the past 5 1/2 years. We have two kids one ours and one hers from a previous relationship that I have adopted. My WW is an alcoholic, bipolar, and everyone of her relationships have ended because of her being cheated on. Because of this we both swore that if things got that bad we would break up before cheating.

Fast forward and our relationship has been very strained for the past few years. My WW has been to detox several times and she finally told me a few months ago that she is, always has been, and always will be an alcoholic. This is were I lost all hope in our relationship but before I could talk to her about divorce she decided to try rehab one more time and after she got done we were going to start MC. And it was great, I could tell this time was going to be different and so far it has been. We started talking again and my hopes for our relationship were higher than they had been in years.

When she got home from rehab she began to push me away. It felt like she was trying to build a life without me and I even confronted her about it. Of course she lied and got mad that I would even question her about it.

Then two weeks ago she told me that while she was in rehab she cheated on me. She said she started to hate me and blamed me for ignoring her. It only took her two weeks to go from loving me to building a life without me and cheating on me. She says it was only once and that it was a mistake, but that if our relationship was better than she never would have cheated. She says that she wants to reconcile and she has cut off all contact with her AP.

I'm having trouble with just how quickly she flipped and was willing to lie and cheat. It makes me wonder what type of person she really is. It makes me think that if the roles were reversed, not just with the cheating but with the drinking also, if she would have fought as hard as I did for our relationship.

We both have started IC and we have an appointment for MC. I just don't know if I can ever forgive her, or trust her, or if I can ever look at her again without the thought of her fucking some other guy popping into my head.

Any advice would be appreciated

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you've had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful, as well as the information in the Healing Library.

First, you may wish to cancel the MC appointment. The MC is to help fix the M. The M didn't cheat, your WW (wayward wife) did. And, it wasn't a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk while you're at the store. Cheating is hundreds, if not thousands, of decisions to head down the slippery slope to betrayal. Many MCs will send some of the blame to you. Now, you had a hand in issues within your M, but you did not cause your WW to cheat. She did that all on her own. She needs IC to uncover why.

I'm not gonna lie - infidelity is the worst pain I've gone through. Give yourself a chance to recover and heal before you decide on R. For R to work, both of you need to be all-in. Plus, your WW should be the one doing the heavy lifting to prove that she can be a safe partner.

One book that I highly recommend is, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's an easy read, and your WW should use that as a guide to help you through this. Another good book is, "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Take this time to focus on you and what you want. You're the prize here.

You may wish to get checked for STDs. If you need meds for depression or sleep, please ask your doctor. Betrayal by an intimate partner can do all sorts of things to your body. Eat when you can, even if it's protein shakes. Stay away from drugs & alcohol.

Another piece of advice is to take the advice you need and leave the rest.

Hi, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join.

You've got two serious issues here. A cheating wife. An alcoholic wife.

Please don't ever accept blame for her cheating. Cheating is a choice, she owns her actions.

You don't have to make any decisions right now, but understand it takes YEARS to heal from infidelity. Do you know who AP is? Is he married?

I agree with leafields, cancel the MC. Your marriage isn't broken, your wife is.

I hope you understand that alcoholism affects children into adulthood, it's emotional abuse. What are you doing to protect your children? Gently, why would you continue to stay with a woman who has shown you repeatedly who she is?

Honestly, give yourself some time to think how you want to move forward. In the meantime, I suggest contacting a lawyer or two just to gather knowledge and know your rights concerning your children. Someone has to be the adult, and your wife, it seems, is not capable.

Do you have trusted family/friends you can lean on? Hopefully you have a good IC who can help you navigate your emotions.

You are married to a bipolar wife. This is what they do. They get high as kites from the illness, have affairs, spend tons of money, go on long distance trips without letting people know etc.You cannot fix her. She has a mixed up brain. Some of it she was born with and some she did to herself(alcoholic). What you can tolerate should be based on what impact it has on your children. They only have one childhood.

Sorry you are having to deal with this.

I agree with the others about the kids.

It would be best to divorce and model a normal home life 50%
of the time.

Being bipolar, I imagine you will have the kids most of the
time eventually as they get older and cannot handle the
emotional swings of their mother.

You can't fix or rescue her. She will always be chaos.

[This message edited by BindassBP at 3:32 PM, Friday, April 28th]

The combination of bipolar, alcoholism, infidelity in prior relationships, and now in yours, and DARVO screams that you need to focus on you and the kids.

As to the bipolar, on its own, with the right person, I think it can be managed. An old friend of mine was diagnosed in his early 20’s and had a rough couple of years. He has been a good man, still married, his daughter has grown, made a good living. His character was always good. But for a short time there he was a hyper paranoid psychotic admitted by his family to a mental ward, where I visited him. His then girlfriend stayed and when he was settled, married him, God bless her. And it paid off.

I’m sorry you are here. There’s quite a cluster of issues here. The bipolar aspect is manageable and not always by any means the disaster suggested. But the alcoholism is less manageable and will certainly affect taking the meds that manage the bipolar disorder. Detaching (with love) is the best way to look after yourself for now. She blaming her actions on your relationship rather than taking responsibility for her own decisions shows that she is not ready to face herself with any clarity. There are many underlying issues she needs to address before becoming in any way a safe partner for you. IC is the way forward, not MC. Please read the 180 in the posts for newbies (marked with target symbols in the margins).

I agree with the others who said cancel the MC for now. Your WW needs to work on herself and figure out why she gave herself permission to cheat. You need to process your own pain and trauma and figure out what you really want going forward. As my WH and I discovered, too many therapists all at once can add more confusion. My IC would say one thing and the MC would say the opposite. My traumatized brain didn't know what to believe when I heard two opposing views. I tended to stick to my IC's advice since I trusted her more. I found myself spending my IC sessions processing things the MC said. It was counter-productive and we finally decided the MC wasn't helping a bit. We're back to seeing our ICs, which I think is the best thing to do at this point.