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So a few weeks ago , I found out my wife had feelings for a 17 year old . So me and my wife have been married for 10 years and have two kids . Our marriage has its up and downs but overall it was a great marriage . This past year I noticed my wife becoming more and more distant , but at the same time more and more nice but like in a guilty way. She is a teacher and I found out she devolved feelings for a 17 year old boy . So she purposely tried to spend time with him , time after school , she’s friends with his mom so she’d accept movie nights at their house . And they would text a lot too . Now my wife says nothing happened at all . And I do belive nothing physical Happened and I don’t even think the boy even knew she had feelings . She said she didn’t have her guard up intially and didn’t think anything was wrong because he was young . So long story short it was basically emotional cheeting that even the guy wasn’t even aware of. What hurts is a couple things , that she needed a void filled by another person . That she lied to me all this time . That had I not caught it sooner it could have been much much worse . I thought about leaving but ultimately I couldn’t stand the thought of my kids being traumatized by this . She does seem genuinely remorseful and said she is willing to do whatever I ask to make it up . Am I a idiot for staying ?

She needs therapy (IC). There’s are all kinds of issues with a TEACHER doing this. She needs to understand why she bent her personal and professional boundaries and how she will make sure she never does anything remotely close to this again.

But are you an idiot? No one is an idiot for loving their spouse. But should you stay? Too soon to tell. EAs are real, and the pain you are feeling is the real pain of betrayal. And often the WS doesn’t tell the 100% whole truth for a while. So as you think about what you want and what is acceptable to you, just watch her actions. Does she make a show of regret and not really dig into why she did this? Or does she take her betrayal seriously and spend time really understanding how and why she did this- risking her marriage and her career.
This may take time, so give that yourself with committing one way or another to reconciling (R) or divorcing (D).

Also be kind to yourself. I think it would be a good idea to both get STD tested — cheaters lie, and her willingness to do so (and SHOW you the results) will show you she is willing to do whatever it takes to prove her trustworthiness.

And honestly visiting a lawyer just to learn what D might look like is a good idea. Knowledge is power, and taking away any unknowns or fears will allow you to make decisions without as much fear and emotion.

Also, read in the healing library and look for posts with the bullseyes in the JFO forum- lots of good resources there.

Are you sure this was one sided fling? Otherwise, this might blow up in your and her face dangerously. That is a underage kid. Her actions will be called as 'sexual grooming' and she might even go to prison for this. So, please make sure you know the whole truth to protect yourself from becoming an accessory to her actions. She needs to find another job immediately and stay away from that kid as far as possible and with zero contact.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 8:50 PM, Saturday, May 6th]

To the two replies I’m sorry I don’t know how to directly reply to your messages but thank you so much for them . As for was it one sided . Yes I did a lot of investigating and it truly seemed like it was one sided and in her mind at the time she did nothing wrong as she just enjoyed the compliments of him saying she’s a nice teacher . Of course doesn’t make it right but on his end there was nothing there and he was just spending time with a teacher after school. And thanks for letting me vent it’s so hard not to tell anyone as I don’t want my kids traumatized, and yes I made sure she has 0 contact with that guy what so ever and not to be even in same area as him as part of my condition to staying .

May I know how you came to this conclusion that she had feelings for him? How did you find out? Is it possible that that kid's mother might also find out about this through the same source?

So I found out because I found she was googling in our computer "how to tell if he’s in love" . So I was like what the heck who is this guy you’re wondering if he’s in love with you . She on her own eventually admited it was him . She’s been pretty open and honest about it . My wife loves compliments part of the issue was I’m not very good at giving daily compliments so she enjoyed spending time with him because he gave her compliments.

And please take yourself out of this equation. You giving compliments or not giving compliments has nothing to do with what she did. She needs therapy right now. I don’t know if you’ve read how many women have not only ruined their teaching lives, but have actually done jail time and been registered as sex offenders over stuff like this. It’s a slippery slope. A 17 year-old boy is horny. All it would have taken was for her to just give him a little bit of a hint and he would have probably taken her up on it. I’m glad that she recognizes what she did was wrong but there’s something in there that needs to be fixed ASAP.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:41 PM, Saturday, May 6th]

Compliments? I don't think it's this simple. There is deeper issue here. That issue is in her, not in your marriage or you. Don't let her blameshift on you by saying you didn't Compliment her enough. What is she?? A kid!! She needs to go IC. If she is ready to risk everything for some external validation then she isn't safe for you or for her students. She needs to dig deep and find out why external validation is so important to her. Does she have low self esteem? Why are her boundaries so porous? There are many questions she needs to answer. IC would be appropriate place for her to dig deep.

As for your orginal question, my answer is this - no, you are not an idiot. I will also say this no marriage is beyond salvageable if both parties truly want it. If your wife wants it then yes, your marriage can be saved. But, both of you need to agree to the fact that your older marriage is dead and a new one with new arrangement must be brought to life. This new arrangement must protect you and your kids while being fairer to your wife and it should not take away her agency in this marriage.
Your needs and boundaries which are meant to protect you and your kids are non negotiable. You must agree to reconciliation process only when she agrees to your needs and boundaries and follow them through her actions.

And, how can she develop romantic feelings for underage kid?? She needs to dig too deep to address this question. Answer won't be as simple as 'he complimented me everyday.'

We’ve had this scenario turn up a few times here on SI recently.

This scenario goes beyond your typical affair scenario. You’re not going to be able to fix this with conventional post-affair recovery methods IC, MC, posting on infidelity forums and reading a few pop-psy self-help books.

This is not simply a "victimless" breach of marital contract-in the eyes of the law, it’s an actual criminal act with a statutory defined and protected victim.

Not only was she willing to risk her marriage and family with this EA-like all cheaters are more than willing to do, she was willing to risk her career, reputation, a prison sentence and, harming the welfare of a child she has sworn to protect. These are consequences that can only be disassociated away by profound psychological issues.

Her web searches seem to indicate more than just a near-miss learning situation or an "innocent" crush. She was actually looking for validation of reciprocal emotions. What if he did have reciprocal feelings and made them known? She didn’t just secretly harbor these forbidden emotions, she acted on them by going to his home, texting with him and cultivating situations that would propagate the evolution of a relationship (grooming).

It’s not hard to imagine where this might have gone if the student had reciprocal feelings-attraction and, you had not intervened.

I don’t want to get too dramatic, but this is not just a simple marital boundary violation and your credentialed professional teacher wife should be more concerned, disturbed about this than you and leading the charge into therapy not just…

she is willing to do whatever I ask to make it up

She needs to do A LOT MORE than just “make it up”

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:05 PM, Saturday, May 6th]

Please imagine a gender swap and you were hanging with a 17 yo.

Start there.

Zafah5665

This is grave, and I'm sorry for what you are going through, and will continue to have to work through.

I only want to mention, (and i am not a lawyer of course) that because this involved a minor, there could possibly be Mandatory Reporting requirements, depending on your own career, or that of anyone who becomes aware of this activity.

Not sure if "movie night" and texting would be beyond reasonable doubt of grooming behavior----

I brought it up because I pray there isn't more to the story.
If for example, your wife sent lewd photos in a text, and he told the school counselor in private--- well...

First off I am sorry you are facing this situation.

I don’t know old your wife is but this could be some type of midlife crisis mindset. Wanting to re-live her youth. 🤪

She’s taken leave if her senses if she’s interested in a 17 year old. She’s lost her mind if she’s a teacher and she goes to a student’s house. Highly inappropriate!!!

Movie night — oh hell no! If her school finds out she could be in serious trouble and possibly lose her career.

And you will now get to live with the fact that she could do this again down the road. If she did it once — it’s possible it could happen again. And every day she is in contact with many students. Who knows what she is thinking?

No contact with this boy is possible. But it’s not possible with the hundreds of other studebts for years to come.

I’m so sorry for you. Your wife needs professional help ASAP!

Hi, OP. Sorry that this happened to you.

She on her own eventually admited it was him . She’s been pretty open and honest about it . My wife loves compliments part of the issue was I’m not very good at giving daily compliments so she enjoyed spending time with him because he gave her compliments.

Don't fool yourself with the honesty part. Imagine your partner admitting to infidelity on multiple occasions with other guys. "Yeah I did it because I liked their attention, the thrill, the good sex". Does this honesty make it any better? She engaged in totally inappropriate contact, in regard to her being a professional and to you and your relationship. It wasn't a mistake, she chose to do it because she liked it. It made her feel good.

Hi, I think you need to put full accountability where it belongs. Your wife.

Not only has she crossed marital boundaries, she is or was at risk of crossing ethical boundaries. I understand that actions may not have been taken for the final threshold, but it sounds like that’s where it was going.

She needs to get into counselling. Something is seriously not right.

As for you being an idiot for staying? That’s for you to decide honestly. But this is more than a marital problem.

By the way, my ex never complemented me, and he cheated. That has nothing to do with this ethical boundary issue. And if there was not a physical cross, there certainly was a mental one and that is a problem.

Your wife needs counselling, and it would be my recommendation that she changes her line of work.

I’m really sorry you’re in the situation. It Has to be difficult

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 7:19 PM, Sunday, May 7th]

EA - yes, absolutely. Risked her job - probably. Criminal - on the slippery slope, but I doubt she crossed the line, if she's telling the truth. (I say that having done some research, since my W was potentially liable for breaching fiduciary duty.)

Yes, the pain is about as much as the BS can take.

Yes, your W needs to change. Liking compliments is one thing. Needing them, going off course in order to get them - that needs therapy. Your W has to change from betrayer to good partner, and I don't see how she (or anyone else) can make that change without help from a skilled therapist.

Meanwhile, I suggest reading https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/. It may give you guidance in evaluating whether or not your W is a good candidate for R.

I agree with the previous post that stated don’t give the cheater credit b/c they admitted the "truth" about the affair.

My H came home and told me a kut his (out of guilt). It was "nothing". Ten days later he wants a D.

I gave him credit for his "honesty" turns out his affair was more than nothing lol

Verify everything the Cheater says IMO.

googling in our computer "how to tell if he’s in love" . So I was like what the heck who is this guy you’re wondering if he’s in love with you . She on her own eventually admited it was him . She’s been pretty open and honest about it .

This tells you nothing. Cheaters lie, and they want to protect their AP. So her honesty is bullshit.

What you do know is she was looking to see if he was sending signals that he loved her. Which meant he was acting in a particular way that made her think he might be. You know she was having private conversations with him,and spending time alone with him.

She manipulated his mother into having her over to their house, so she could get closer to her son.

That's predatory behavior. Think about it like this..if this were an older male teacher,doing these things to spend time with a 17 year old girl..not one person would think it was ok.

This is not a mid life crisis. This is an adult, an authority figure, having an inappropriate relationship with a minor student. At the very,very,very least, having inappropriate feelings for a minor student.

She needs to quit teaching immediately.

Also..because cheaters lie, and you know she was texting him..you can bet he's showed those messages to his buddies. The entire student body knows your wife has feelings for a student. It won't be long before the staff finds out. And they definitely need to know. They have a duty to protect their students. His mother also needs to know.

Once it comes out, if you have minor children in your home, CPS will pay you a visit. If they find out you knew,and did nothing, they will see you as an accomplice, and they very well may remove your children from your care.

You need to immediately distance yourself from her. She needs to leave the home. It's the only way to protect your kids.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:39 PM, Sunday, May 7th]