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What I mean by grown is that my even keel mentality kept her grounded but now through years of counseling, she needs me to be someone else. Someone that I may not be. I am accept that. What I can't accept is her blatant hypocrisy on cheating. She had the gull to say she'll never judge a cheater the same way. What a crock of s@#$. Her time is coming soon. I just don't want to telegraph it to her. I will first and foremost focus in me and my children. I will also look at women and relationships totally different in the future. My trust in people has been fractured to the highest degree. But I will preserve and I will be a stronger and more confident person. I see her struggling right now as our kids are at an age where they fight and talk back. I think to myself, how the hell are you going to handle things all by yourself if we divorce? You can't keep it together when we are married and I'm around.

[This message edited by fsk071823 at 1:20 AM, Sunday, September 24th]

I think to myself, how the hell are you going to handle things all by yourself if we divorce?

Won’t be your problem. These are the natural consequences of her shitty choices. Such consequences are *not* "punishment" as some mistakenly view them, but the expected outcome of her actions. I contend it’s actually a loving thing to let consequences impact those you care about, so they can learn to make better choices. Good parents do this with their kids, and good betrayed spouses let consequences fall on their cheating spouse. Gives them an opportunity to learn.

My fear is that the kids will not know their true mom and will be scared. I think it would be an eye opening experience for her and really wonder if she would actually regret her choices ofif she is a narcissistic and just move on.

After our marriage counseling last night, on the way home, we had a discussion on one thing that I said during MC. It got us down the rabbit hole of me basically giving her an ultimatum of him or me. This spiraled down an emotional roller-coaster for her. She says she's inan impossible situation and she will resent me regardless of her choice. Today, has been the barrage of texts just berating me on me on my high horse and how I ignored her for years and she has gotten no sexual satisfaction from him (meaning they haven't had sex) but I received some from porn. She says she's not cheating on me, yet she has such a connection to this married man that she is willing to walk away. She asked if this situation was a marriage breaker yesterday and I said it is. I hate confrontation bit I am standing my ground for once. I have been less than a perfect husband and will always admit to that. Please tell me where I am going wrong and what could do differently to keep the marriage together. I am being honest about the question.

You are not wrong at all for demanding her to choose between him and you. She’s likely surprised you started respecting yourself and stood up to her clown antics. Keep this us and she may actually start to respect you!

You are not a perfect husband, she is not a perfect wife. Either you stop killing your merrige in a slow painful agony and start healing or you just slay it quickly and amicably. From what I belive you made some big steps already, now she should join in. And tell the OW that your W threatens to f her hubby, because they have a 'connection' and are 'growing'. Goodness gracious.

Congrats for your curage.

[This message edited by Potentialforevil at 6:25 PM, Wednesday, October 4th]

I’m sorry for going down the rabbit hole.

Here’s the thing - the lying cheater HATES the fact that they cannot manipulate you to getting what they want.

How dare you (eye roll) give her the "him or me" ultimatum!!

How dare you (sarcasm) not let her continue to be "friends" with her pal and continue cheating!

Nothing you did or didn’t do is an excuse to cheat. Period. Most cheaters look to justify the choice to cheat and lay blame on the betrayed spouse.

I didn’t know at the time but my H was very unhappy and it was my fault. All my fault 🤪. I was to blame. You see I said things like "go away for the weekend to golf" and "sure ho play basketball 2X a week" b/c you work hard and deserve it.

IMO you need to stand your ground, stop letting her manipulate you to continue cheating and if it comes to it, walk away from her.

Maybe read up on the 180 and start pulling back in your interactions where you can.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:51 PM, Friday, October 6th]

I have paperwork filled out in my county just in case. I still have to go in person to file with the Clerk but I'm preparing myself. If she doesn't want to make a decision, then I just might. She has the temerity to say that she isn't having an affair. I call BS on that. She has an impulsive personality which causes her issues. She has said she will have empathy for a person who has cheated when she would've dumped me in a heartbeat had I done that to her.

Please tell me where I am going wrong and what could do differently to keep the marriage together.

And there is your problem. You are focused on keeping your marriage together at any cost. And by thecway, you are the only one paying the cost. She rides for free. Think of it like this. You walk into a dealership to buy a car. The first thing you do is tell the salesperson, you want the car, you love the car, you must have this car. Then you begin the negotiations. By the time you leave, you've paid 5k over sticker price and bought the undercoating package.

You need to focus on what is best for you. Get out of infidelity and the farm it is doing to you. Everything you do is providing a pattern of behaviour and expectations for your kids. They will see your WW'S treatment of you and your acceptance as normal, and will gravitate towards that model in their future relationships. Is that what you want?

If she doesn't want to make a decision, then I just might.

I'm a word guy. In fact, words are my business, though my posts don't betray that. You included the modal, might. It is a weak, dithery word. Try the word, will. Become a man of action. Do things with intent and purpose.

You've also mentioned low self esteem a few times. Besides counseling, what are you doing to boost it? I have a few recommendations if that's okay?

Go to the gym regularly. Pick up heavy stuff and put it down build muscle. It will help with how you perceive yourself and it will increase testosterone production. This will help with mood.

Achieve things. Pick some difficult tasks and do them. Stretch yourself. Challenge yourself.

If you don't havec strong, masculine friends, then try to find some. Men need other men in their lives. Iron sharpens iron. You may find that if you engage in some men-only activities, that friendships will begin. Just pick good, honorable men to be in your life.

Hope this helps, brother.

You do realise they are having sex.

She's willing to walk away from her marriage for a married man who hasn't promised her anything? She's talking about strong conmections and bonds?

You're negotiating a motion to continue to allow her to have a boyfriend. That in essence is her argument.

While you talk and negotiate, she continues to have "strong bonds", he remains married, she remains married, you all keep talking. It's a win win for her.

Maybe stop negotiating and start to take your life back as she seems to be suggesting that she deserves good sex from this guy because you were using porn.

You have previously stated that you don’t think your marriage will survive or even that you want your marriage to survive.
So why the trouble? Why MC?

If you want this marriage to have a shot, you need to take steps to encourage that goal.
Right now I think you have a situation of emotional chicken where your wife and you compete about who can hold their breath longer before the other gives up. Now she’s holding her breath until you accept that she can be in contact with the OM until you give in.

DO
NOT
TAKE
PART

I’m pasting this from my previous post on your situation. Still applies.

"Wife – I know we are having issues and that’s why we are here in MC. I am willing to do serious weight-lifting to improve our marriage but the reality is that NOTHING I do or try to do will have ANY effect while you are committed to another relationship.
I do not share my wife.
I am accepting your decision to keep him in your life. That is something you are totally free to do. You can let him drive his balls down your freeway BUT NOT AS MY WIFE.
I am therefore absolving you and myself of marital obligations, and am starting the process of emotionally detaching and – eventually – the formal process of terminating our marriage.
There is no rush per se. The process is emotionally hard for us all and takes the inevitable time. We should both get treated fairly by the law. But I am setting off on that path while I experience that at best I am sharing you.
If you want this marriage then I reiterate that I am willing to do A LOT. But I won’t share you. I wont stop my course unless you clearly both tell me and show me that you want this marriage. It will require changes and accountability, but the further I go along my path the more content with my decision I will be"

Bumped my request

Dear Lord, just too similar to my own experience. WW had a PA affair with a golfer on staff at her club. Place was notorious for affairs, and I suspect it’s the norm at most golf clubs. I stumbled across the texts, and my low-esteem vanished given the intense anger I had. I confronted her, and dimed AP out to his wife. Seems that WW and AP had a mutual love of golf that was more important than their respective families and they both paid the price. I also told the bartender at the club, who got a nice tip for listening, who then spread like news wildfire so that the AP staffer eventually left rhe club and WW couldn’t show her face there again.

She wants to join a fall golf league and I'm positive he'll be in that. He also has a golf simulator at his home and wants to invite others from their group over from time to time.

And if it were me, no matter what happens I would join that fall golf league with a buddy and intrude on their turf. And don’t forget to tip the bartender well.

Update. We are in our first month of a trial separation. Getting no where under the same roof. One week at home with the kids and the other week away for now. Signs point towards her looking at divorce, but I could be wrong. At this point, all I want is the right decision to be made. I am determined to be happy regardless of the outcome. Some things have changed, but nothing significant. I have consulted with an attorney to see how much I would be raked over the coalsas I live in a no fault state. If it ends, I want it to be amicable but not me getting screwed over. If we somehow stay together, there are things that I need to change, but she has a ton of heavy lifting when it comes to trust. It's not there and I won't stay if I can't trust her.

I'll put another $100 behind my first.