SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TLDR: my wife of ten years fell in love with a guy she was catfishing and turned out to be mentally ill after getting arrested for assaulting me when I caught her. She is currently in a psych ward. Diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder.

Married ten years. Two girls 6/7

I (35m) bought my wife(34f) a laptop a few months ago and she began playing an old MMORPG video game form her childhood. She was playing late into the night.

Prior to that, she had been depressed, disconnected, neglectful of our children and even neglectful of her hygiene. I knew something was going on and I had been trying to help her come out of her shell. I signed the kids up for some extracurricular activities to give her some breathing room and started doing the cooking and helping more than usual around the house. She was being very mean to me in spite of this.

Her mother lived with us over the summer. Her mother is severely mentally ill with bipolar and schizophrenia. Her mother would yell at our kids often making me uncomfortable.

Her mother would often lecture me and tell me I was a bad husband and tell me that I was paranoid and delusional because I was constantly trying to figure out why my wife was so out of it. She told me to leave my wife alone and let her play her game.

My wife started pulling away more and more. She was wearing headphones in the house and refused to spend any time with me. She stopped putting the kids to bed and stopped cleaning or doing anything domestic at all except for cooking and leaving a huge disaster in the kitchen. She would be distant during family activities outside. We work in the same office and she would ignore me at work even though I’d often get her coffee or come visit her.

Even then, I never expected what she was doing. Turns out she was catfishing people on the game she was playing and then moving into discord where she developed one of the relationships into an intense emotional affair that would progress into a delusional fantasy relationship.

So how did I find out?

The other night I found her sleeping in the living room while on a discord phone call with a weird contact. I woke her up and she jumped up and out of the blanket with no pants on shouting angrily about how she was on her period which seemed completely irrelevant. Then she told me it was her mom on the phone and then she switched to it being her sister. It was fishy enough, but then she started frantically closing apps and deleting stuff. She refused to let me see her phone.

After hours of begging her to come clean, I tried to take her computer and she straight up attacked me. She fell during the scuffle and I took her phone also. I locked myself in our room and found the whole thing. She busted the door and assaulted me trying to retrieve the phone.

She called the cops when I ran out the door with my tattered clothes and scratches. They interviewed me and fortunately I had video evidence since I had been recording her chats in a video with my phone as I scrolled. The cops decided that she needed to go to jail. The cops wouldn’t let her bring the laptop.

I spent the night reading her entire chat history on discord and crying. It was all ridiculous fake fantasy catfishing stuff, but the intensity of the emotions and the fabricated things she was telling him about me were hurtful. Obviously I was devastated and disgusted by all the sexual stuff. I haven’t eaten well since reading and listening to all the sex chatting. She sometimes talked about a character in her fantasy world that would allude to me and she was calling me her crazy ex boyfriend. She said I beat her all the time which is completely false.

She was sending him messages all day long for months. Morning, noon and night. She was texting him and sexting him from work. Disgustingly we work in the same office so this was all happening while I was in the house and also while I was at the office down the hall from her. I am so ashamed and disgusted by what she was doing.

Anyways, while she was in jail, I sent the main dude and all the others she had catfished a message on discord explaining that she was in fact much older, a mother, and a wife. I sent some recent family pictures to prove it. I told them they had been catfished. I found an app on GitHub that allowed me to backup and archive all of her chats including media which included photos and audio clips. I kept it for evidence.

She returned from jail completely unremorseful and angry at me for violating her privacy. She wanted me to feel sympathy for her because she spent a night in jail as if four months of sexting people and having an emotional affair were nothing.

She kept saying "it wasn’t real" and “the relationship was already over”

She said she wanted divorce since she knew I’d never forgive her. And she kept talking about custody stuff saying she’d never let me take away her kids. We had previously talked about divorce before this because honestly I was overwhelmed with her depression and dealing with my own. She cited that as proof that "the relationship was already over anyway" and used that as an excuse to downplay what she had been caught doing red handed. That said, I was genuinely trying to make it work during the time when this happened. I thought she was too.

She apologized sarcastically only when prompted and continued to refuse to give access to her phone or devices. I told her that I would forgive her if she just came clean about everything and logged into all the accounts and showed me what was going on. I didn’t need to read every word but I expected her to go through and honestly and systematically delete everything while committing to never do it again. She sarcastically swore that she had ended everything and said she had deleted all apps and discord without actually proving it. She kept leaving the house and taking all her devices with her disappearing for hours on end.

She accused me of blackmailing her with the backups I made. In her mind this was all my fault.

It became clear to me that she was only remorseful about getting caught.

The only thing that didn’t make sense to me is that she was just not acting like my wife of ten years at all. It was like a demon had taken over. She is normally very kind and compassionate and I had never seen her act like this. Our kids were terrified of her. She would act overly normal around them and they would give her hugs and snuggle her but they would look at me while doing so as if wanting permission or approval to make sure it was safe.

I was obviously distraught and angry and I wanted to know what was still going on since she was acting like a completely different person.

I bluffed and told her that I could still see all her discord chats, stating that I "hacked her computer." I told her I knew she was still talking to him.

My bluff was rewarded with her admission and she texted me that she wanted to end it on her terms. She was furious with me for ending her fake fantasy relationship.

She spent the rest of the day out of the house with her devices. She was trying to figure out how to unhack her computer lol. She texted me that she deleted everything and was sleeping in her car and finally eating food. She sent me pictures from inside Target.

When she came home I bluffed again and told her I knew she created a second discord and demanded she log into it. I demanded she log into that mmorpg and let me see who chats her. I knew I caught her again by the look on her face. She argued with me and treated me like shit for the rest of the day. No sympathy remorse or anything else that I would expect from a person who intended to change.

At some point she did give me her phone and then when I started actually going through apps like YouTube and notes, she snatched it back. Acted dumb when I asked her to give it back and provide access. Pretended she couldn’t remember any passwords. He dad called and then I had to take the kids somewhere. I would later find out that she texted her dad asking him to call her urgently so that she could get me off the idea of rummaging through her phone.

She took a shower later that night and I stole her phone and left the house. Miraculously she never reset her Face ID.

While the phone was pretty well cleaned out, I could see that her App Store app had "discord" typed into the search bar which told me she was still planning to use it.

I tried to get into discord for a while but I could t do it.

I was about to give up and give up and face her in defeat only to see a "recently deleted" section in her text messages. when I went into it, I realized she had been texting him and calling him that day. There were texts there about not using discord anymore. She must have given her phone number using the game.

I was so sad that she had indeed kept up the fantasy relationship and had spent the past few days using this internet dude for "emotional support" while her husband of ten years was literally on the verge of cloying of a broken heart. She was telling him all kinds of horrible untrue things. Thankfully the dude was able to begin seeing that she was not well because all her stories were unraveling.

I was and am so furious that she had been playing me and lying to my face.

I took a deep breath and texted the dude from her phone asking to talk. He called her phone and I explained everything to him bro to bro. We compared notes for a while. He had concerns that she was genuinely suicidal. He pledged full support and went no contact. I recorded my phone conversation with him using my phone and sent it to herself, myself and her father as proof. Along with the screenshots I took of the text convo I found.

I went home and gave the phone back. She accused me of deleting all the incriminating evidence she had supposedly compiled documenting things that never happened. She claimed she had been recording voice recordings for years and that I had deleted them. It was delusional bullshit and I didn’t delete anything.

She confirmed to me verbally and also via text that she was In-fact suicidal and felt cornered. I could see that her world was spinning. She locked herself in the bathroom.

I called the police and asked them to come for a suicide wellness check. She realized I called and ran out of the house, driving away.

She tried to contact the dude who promised to go no contact and like a champ the dude forwarded me everything she sent me without responding. She started to go ballistic sending him angry messages that sounded exactly like the way she had been talking to me since I caught her.

The cops spent a few hours out there looking for her and finally she got bored and came home. She said that I should tell the police she was home. I called them and told them and they took her to the hospital.

She’s been in the hospital for a few nights now and I really believe that she was having a bipolar event following a long depression period that she had gotten stuck in. I think the curtain got pulled too fast and she couldn’t cope with the reality of facing her indiscretions and the fact that she may have destroyed her family. The family she had prior to this affair is certainly gone.

She’s been in for a few nights and as of today she’s been calling me and her father from from the psych ward. I brought her some clothes and things. They are evaluating her and obviously also believe she is not well. She thinks she is where she is supposed to be and has begun to show some remorse over the phone while calling from the ward. I don’t know if it’s genuine.

She was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1.

I do believe this is all some sort of mental illness fueled nightmare and this is the only episode that I’m aware of. I’m trying to have compassion, but I’m also struggling to reconcile with the pain she caused me. I also worry that she’s been doing this off and on for years without be knowing.

There were times over the the years when she was often taking selfies and using filters like the ones she used to catfish these people. I worry that she’s addicted to this behavior.

Plenty of mentally ill people don’t choose to cheat on their spouses during their episodes.

Family wants us to make it work. For whatever it’s worth, I’m broke, up to my ears in debt, and we both rely on each others income to survive. If we part ways I will have to file bankruptcy.

I don’t know what to do. Advice welcome.

[This message edited by MilahsRealHusband at 5:40 AM, Monday, October 9th]

You are going to have to concentrate on your kids. They have already seen and heard too much. Therapy for them ASAP. This illness seems to come through the grandmother’s family. How has she been thru all this?
I know it is an illness and I hope medication works for her but you need a backup plan in case this happens again. Your children need protection.
I am so sorry this has become your life. You HAVE to look after your own health in order to be the father your kids need.
Talk to a lawyer about how to proceed legally. It does not necessarily mean divorce but you need advice.

Hey there- sounds rough!
top priorities— safety for your kids. IC for them (and you) would be great.
Lawyer— find out your rights and how to proceed. It may be good to file for D — it can be stopped at any time. But will protect your financial assets so she cant blow that up too.

Bipolar is a tough condition. You do not need to stay regardless of what family wants. You need to put the kids first.

Weekends are slow- others will be by soon. Hang in there. You have doing the right things. And you will get through this.

This may or may not be helpful. It is more a comment on dealing with this sort of thing in a loved one rather than infidelity per se.

My elder daughter from my first marriage who was living with my former W was initially diagnosed with depression with anxiety some years ago. She was prescribed Prozac for this which proved to be disastrous as she in fact had type 2 bipolar depression and the medication made her mania far worse. (The choice of psychiatrist is so critical in the diagnosis, treatment and management of these illnesses). These illnesses often also tend to run in families. My former wife was diagnosed with PPD (possibly psychotic) and refused to accept it with very bad consequences for her). Whilst she was ill my daughter lived with me and my W and family for a while during the week. It was a very difficult time as we had younger children. We have very stricter rules during the week; no drinking, drugs of any sort (we are a zero tolerance household for drugs), no going out late. We would have kicked her out had she violated this for the sake of our 3 younger children and she knew this.

The problem was at weekends when she stayed with her mother. She would go out to the wrong places, place herself at enormous risk and indulge in all sort of unsafe behaviour when manic. Drink, drugs and and Prozac is a very bad combination. Fortunately she suffered no lasting harm.

What fixed things was changing psychiatrist, the appropriate diagnosis, the appropriate medication, her deciding not to put herself in situations where she was at risk if manic (going out with the wrong people, parties etc) and frankly Covid (we lived in a lockdown country and locking down helped break this toxic cycle). In the end she wanted to fix things for herself, left the city for a while and lived a quieter life. She did come out of this. I am very proud of her for doing this.

I saw all this because things will not improve until your WW hits rock bottom and does the same. You cannot have her around in your house behaving like this with children around and need to put your foot down. It will otherwise do lasting harm to all of you and that’s not fair on your kids. She is not of sound mind and not in control of what she does when manic. Until your WW really wishes to improve, takes the necessary medication and probably remains institutionalised for a while this won’t change. I know this may not be of help but I would be very wary of even considering taking her back if this is what you are considering until she has been medically stabilised for a while.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that have a lot of great information that you may find helpful. Another great resource is the Healing Library, which has the list of acronyms we use.

Just because the family wants you to stay together doesn't mean that you have to. R (reconciliation) is a gift that you can give to your WW (wayward wife) if you choose. If she gets on the right medication(s), stays on them and gets counseling, then you may decide to R. It's a tough journey, and many aren't up to it. You don't have to decide now. There are many bipolar people, including my sister, who get the right cocktail of meds and lead normal lives.

Take some time to think about what you want, and what is best for you and your children. Good luck and keep posting.

Thank you all for chiming in and showing support.

Today is a bad day. I didn’t sleep well and took the kids to school late.

I got permission to work from home but I can’t concentrate.

I completely understand those suggesting divorce and lawyers but I don’t understand the rush. We don’t have any assets, all the debts are in my name, and I earn more than her but with combined incomes we are barely making it while living in a small and nearly unlivable apartment.

I am pretty sure I would need to declare bankruptcy in order to be able to afford living on one income, especially if I got custody. I have doubts she will be able to work after this diagnosis, so it may come down to that even if we can reconcile.

We are Muslim and I have already initiated the divorce process from a spiritual standpoint by conducting a "verbal divorce." This includes officially stating that I am divorcing. Obviously this holds no bearing in terms of our legal marriage. What it does mean is that I cannot touch or sleep with her and I am not allowed to see her without clothes on. She cannot marry someone else for three months which is a waiting period to ensure she isn’t pregnant. We can take each other back by mutually agreeing to reconcile during that three month period. This can only happen two times in a Muslim Marriage. The third "verbal divorce" is final and at that point we would not be able to reconcile.

Basically, we’ve used up one of our divorce chances now.

If she gets out of the hospital and wants to come home without reconciliation, there’s nothing I can do to stop her because she is on the lease and we are legally not divorced. I didn’t press charges when she got arrested and I don’t know if a psychiatric hospitalization would be something I could use to get a temporary protective order to ensure that the kids stay with me. If I preemptively try to do that it may convince her that I have been acting in bad faith and then trigger her to try to steal the kids or instigate something that will make me look like an abusive husband. I’ve already had enough pain and chaos. The kids need a calm solution moving forward.

The thing is also that I really do love her and I feel horrible that she is feeling mentally unwell.

That said, I’m not willing or able to forget about the disgusting things that she chose to do while in an altered state. She was sneaking around, lying, and doing all of this stuff in a premeditated way. Her actions required planning.

I am waiting to see how she talks about all this when she gets out. If she has changed her tone from the tone she had during her manic state, showing genuine remorse and willingness to take responsibility without rationalizing, justifying it shifting the blame onto me somehow… I will be am more willing to give her a chance.

I’ve had some time to think about my absolute minimum set of conditions. If she cannot agree to the following things in writing with witnesses, then I will not take her back as my wife and we will be living together as strangers until I can declare bankruptcy and divorce her.

Conditions:

- Strict adherence to a mental health plan including medication, psychiatry, and regular counseling. I have to be part of her care team meaning that she must put my name on her medical release paperwork, and I get to talk to her doctors.

- no access to electronic devices. No laptops, tablets, etc. She must delete her Apple account and I will set up her phone with strict parental controls. No video

games with chat features. I get to ask her for her phone at any time and she cannot get mad or complain. I will not read messages from her family members and close known friends from real life but I get to verify their identity

- couples counseling spearheaded by her.

Thoughts?

[This message edited by MilahsRealHusband at 5:10 PM, Monday, October 9th]

We are Muslim and I have already initiated the divorce process from a spiritual standpoint by conducting a "verbal divorce." This includes officially stating that I am divorcing. Obviously this holds no bearing in terms of our legal marriage. What it does mean is that I cannot touch or sleep with her and I am not allowed to see her without clothes on. She cannot marry someone else for three months which is a waiting period to ensure she isn’t pregnant. We can take each other back by mutually agreeing to reconcile during that three month period. This can only happen two times in a Muslim Marriage. The third "verbal divorce" is final and at that point we would not be able to reconcile.

Brother - with regard to this, you really need to back off this spiritual/religious part for the time being and don't say something you can't take back. Typically, you should go through the legal process FIRST, then worry about this aspect AFTER the legal divorce is complete. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt and confusion.

You have financial issues as well as custody issues to work out first - worry about the religious/spiritual doctrine regarding divorce after the rest is taken care of. Regardless of my personal religious position, I have many friends from the Muslim community from many different parts of the world, and the number of times, in a huff, one of them takes a step in various matters that just wipes away all of their legal options is insane.

Deep breaths. Worry about what is best for the kids and see what your WW needs in the short term regarding her diagnosis. Decide on R vs D first and then take LEGAL steps.

The religious pronouncements can wait.

Make sure you record any interactions with her for the foreseeable future.

I’ve been thinking of putting cameras up. That might trigger her though.

This is a tough situation…

She’s been diagnosed with a disease – an illness – and based solely on what you have shared about her behavior it’s been some time from the onset to the diagnosis.
Furthermore it’s a disease of the mind. A disease that makes her (at least partially) incapable of logical actions.
This doesn’t justify her behavior, nor does it make it less of an infidelity. Your pain on that aspect is totally valid and understandable.
What it does though is make the next steps and her accountability a bit different…

It’s like in (nearly all) criminal court cases: The first step is to determine if the accused is mentally capable of facing the consequences of their crime. Doesn’t help them avoid incarceration per se, but it’s in an institution rather than a prison.

I think it’s doubtful that your wife can be held fully accountable for the behavior in the last couple of months… Still an affair, still painful, but MAYBE you need to apply a different level of expectations for the next step. Our traditional SI – expose, prepare to leave etc might not apply.

Let me be so very clear here: No less of an affair, but maybe a different approach to how to deal with it.
I second the warnings on the religious angle. Doesn’t matter what your religion – residing in the US then US laws will apply. You can be as divorced spiritually as you want, but still legally accountable towards each other. If D is the path you want to go along on, then go that path the correct, legal way.

First of all: Other than to ask the other men to step away because they are dealing with an ill person there isn’t any use or purpose in contacting them. Chances are anyways that if you can cut the means of communications then this will fizzle away by itself.

Second: I think you need to prioritize some things…
First is your kids health and well-being. Are they getting any counseling to deal with their moms illness? Any support from school, professional therapy? What about friends and family? Your MIL is out of action, but what about your parents or some other people that can step in and help?

Then there is you. You need to take care of YOU. IMHO that includes things like finding a way to distance yourself from the problem of HER every now and then.

Then there is her…
A big problem with mental disease is that … well… it affects the mind… The patient – your wife – might not think there is anything wrong, or she might not see the need to take her medicine, or she might not stick to her treatment regime.
Add to that then a lot of medication takes time and adjustment. This is no single-pill case where everything goes back to normal.
We are talking a long, extended period of time with physiological and psychological treatments.

My suggestion is to make the best treatment possible available to her. Even if that means temporarily institutionalizing her. Even if your marriage doesn’t survive she will be your kids mom forever, and whether she’s your wife or not you want her to be the best mom possible.

Expecting a mentally unbalanced person to understand, sign and stick to a contract… well… that’s insane.

Of course she would need to be stabilized before agreeing to a contract… but that’s what has to happen for me to bother with trying to reconcile.

For the record she is in the psychiatric ward and will be there for a total of 10 days before coming out. She will leave medicated and hopefully on the right path.

[This message edited by MilahsRealHusband at 8:55 PM, Monday, October 9th]

Also those saying to cast aside the religious stuff don’t understand what I’m saying.

I already pronounced the verbal divorce, it’s done. There’s no ignoring it. We are not married in a religious sense. When she is discharged from the hospital, we will not be married and if she wishes to come to the family home, we will have to conduct ourselves that way.

If she wants to reconcile, I’m not going to take her back unless she agrees to those conditions that I mentioned. She will have two and a half months to decide.

It is what it is.

Obviously her behaviour is difficult to predict nowadays but do you see her taking this religious divorce seriously? Religion has a lot to say about infidelity as well.

What response are you expecting (or hoping) to the idea the marriage is, religiously, over?

I don't know if she was catfishing. It sounds like she was doing what all people in affairs do. They lie.

like a champ

He's probably a married man, who has had HIS fantasy world blown to bits, and he is cooperating with you,because he's afraid,now that he knows your wife is unstable, that she will contact his wife.

Put cameras up. Don't tell her. They are for your protection. She has been telling people you beat her. Wayward wives are notorious for calling the police, and reporting false DV. Get the cameras up before she gets home.

And..honestly? The kids are snuggling her,but looking at you to let them know their mom is safe. You also said she has been scaring the kids.

Your priority is their safety. They're scared of her. You know she's violent. Get the cameras.

And, don't have ANY interaction with her, without a VAR(voice activated recorder).

She was definitely catfishing. I found the discord chats going back to august when she started this (as far as I know).

The main dude isn’t married. He was a younger guy… parents basement vibe. A sad and lonely internet nerd. Nobody else would have believed the stupid crap she was saying.

Hard to hide cameras at home.

What’s a good voice activated recorder?

Go to amazon,and search nanny cams. They are small enough you can hide them anywhere. Just make sure she doesn't have access to your account. You can also find a good VAR on Amazon.

You can buy light bulbs that have cameras in them. Phone chargers. Clocks. All kinds of things you wouldn't suspect.

What’s a good voice activated recorder?

Sony ICD-PX series

Keep in mind that in your state recording a conversation without mutual consent or without her knowledge is a felony…
As would recording her secretly (voice or picture) in her residence where she can have a reasonable expectation to privacy.