SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am grieving as my mum passed away three months ago as well as my MIL two weeks later. I feel my mum’s passing intensily, my MIL’s not as much for various reasons and all of this infidelity consequences stuff from five years ago has returned to haunt me.

It is draining. I feel so alone. So sad. I look at my husband and I think of how his words and actions then threw me into chaos. For sure I have good times and yes he supports me and I support him. We both lost our mothers. However, my mindset is feeling the hurts from the past. I cannot separate the two events nor do I want to at this stage.

It’s almost like I want to be the victim one more time and just wallow. Ugh!

I don’t know, maybe therapy would help? What do you all think? Would it be a grief specialist or someone else?

I am sorry for your loss!

There is currently a thread in Reconciliation that talks about loss bringing back old trauma.

I’ve lost my brother two years ago, four years post dday and it brought back all the dday trauma and all the abandonment feelings I had on dday. Not in anger but a lot of sadness and victimisation.

I didn’t go back to therapy but I have allowed myself to grieve and lean on WH who couldn’t do more to support me (including discussing affair details again and how I felt). It gave him an opportunity to earn some trust back.

I am sorry for you loss.

I said from the early days after finding out that loss was the biggest issue I would face. I was adopted as a child and I am at peace with that but I do still struggle with loss. I am good at forgiveness and hold no hate for my birth family. I hope they are well and in a good place.

I mention this because I know from experience old loss is triggered by new loss. I had a breakdown due to it.

Loss is the part I struggle to deal with. I am not sure why loss is the hardest part of this but I feel it touches and impacts every part of my recovery. If I leave him it will be due to loss. The affair itself - I see it for what it was, it was no more than a liar texting a liar. I wasn’t jealous. I cannot compete with a liar who is prepared to sneak around, nor would I want to. The messages were really pathetic. He was making up crap, the other person was no doubt doing the same. It is sad that they had such poor integrity they thought their choices were good ones.

But the loss has affected me. He isn’t the special person I fell in love with anymore. I tried to choose a good person, I didn’t look for wealth or someone with a great job or assets. It’s sad really. I just wanted a good person to share my life with. I compromised on things. I wasn’t desperate for marriage, I was happy to remain unmarried forever. I was independent.

I can list pages of loss. Photos, memories, words, meaning, love, feelings etc. Even cards - how the heck do you buy a card in a shop! I see things I would once have bought him, cards, cute books etc, I can’t bring myself to do it. Loss.

Can you pinpoint exactly what is upsetting you? For me it would be the loss of someone who truly loved me. I’ve grieved for lost relatives so much these past 18 months.

Your reaction appears to be very normal. A grief counsellor may help you with your mothers passing. But I am not surprised it has triggered other emotions surrounding your marriage.

I don’t have any insights to share but wanted to let you know that i am sending you thoughts of comfort. I am sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. Loss is so devastating… Hope you find moments of peace in the midst of this.

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.
I think that loss is what I am feeling and reeling from.
I lost my rock, my anchor which was my mum. Her steadiness helped me so much throughout my husband’s infidelity and our r. She was always there for me unlike my husband, who once upon a time in a far away land, was the one.
Old loss triggered by new loss….that is why I’m reeling.

Yes I think what you are experiencing is very valid. For 11 years that would happen to me. Some other type of loss or sadness would bring me back to the devastation of infidelity. I would highly recommend therapy to further discuss your unique situation.

I noticed your user name and I hope no one ever told you that you were "boring", I feel you are most likely anything but that. 😉

PinkJeepLady,

Hi, I smiled at your emoji!

And yes, on D-day, my husband did call me boring and more ...as he deserted me to go live with his AP in her house.

I know I am not boring. I never was.

Ironic that today he calls me exciting and fun....Go figure.

My losses are powerful though.

Oh course calling you "boring" was just a smoke screen to justify infidelity. Also, boring isn’t necessarily negative.

I am so glad he now tells you how fun and exciting you are! The truth!