SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mw BH 62 YO
WW 61 YO
SERIES OF affairs ( 3) began before wedding (1987)
1) EA became PA one occurence
2) Ea after relocation from west coast to east one occurrence at conference in Chicago
3) long term boss 4 years
Ww spouse broke off " to work on my marriage"
Knew something was happening
Always denied
" ur paranoid' crazy"

All ended 1996 or so
DDay sept 2023 from confession from ww , when I brought up Subject
Wwp said " why bring that up again"
I replied has been with me everyday
Confession followed

Strangely I felt like a different person post confession I believe due to removal of doublt which I now realize had become an entity of anxiety and anger that was always there but subconscious .

We have been together 42 years
Married 36years
3 adult children
1 grand child

Ww has written dated signed confession
Nothing else wayward wise since
Per her and my anxiety
Obsessed observations

Starting Ic both
Question also Mc

Ww has agreed to post nuptial
Leaving her only her retirement
Nothing else ie houses etc
I know it will need to be her attorney

Have been in hysterical bonding since dday
Much increase from standard
10 X weekly

During affair time I was med student / resident/ new doc starting own practice

Before wedding lived apart 200 miles

Have read extensively re this issue

Here is my issue
I still love her and can not and will not live without her

She has begged pleaded to let her stay
And agreed to all requests
Including contacting spouse First AP spouse (A 36 yo )to inform

My first IC tuesday
Ww sorting insurance coverage should be scheduled this week

I am a different person than I have been last 36 years since Dday
I like who I am now
Hindsight now 20/20
I do not like or respect whom I was

The anxiety anger complex from the doubt I fell injured my relationship with children
I really don't belive they know the actual me

QUESTION OF THE DAY

What to do re telling the kids about this all
I want to fix my relationship with them but I am I just being selfish or vindictive

Last point I am a surgeon normally
Fix things by removing them or reparing
Never a big believer in psychological " arts"
Always said whatever does not kill us makes us stronger
Well not dead or feeling any stronger

I want reconciliation

In some ways happier then ever
But can not go forward with the pain,insomnia,intrusive thoughts

Last point
Recently lost 73 lbs

Thank you for your help with this matter

Hi there! I wasn't familiar with your story but from your profile see you say "Full confession 8 weeks ago" - you my new SI buddy, have had a new DDay. So what you are feeling and expressing is totally reasonable.

You are a surgeon (I am not but go with me here) - you know about traumatic injury, how long it takes to heal, scar tissue and what happens if you re-injure an old injury. You know that the pain is even worse, it takes longer to heal, the risk of infection increases and the treatment may be totally different than before. Throw in if physical or occupational therapy is involved - that can hurt a lot before any improvement can even start. And that injury takes far longer to heal after the 2nd injury ever did from the first. This is a parallel.

You have experienced new trauma to an old injury. Be gentle on yourself.

Think of what you'd say to a patient that came to see you after their original surgery. And years later they had an accident (through no fault of their own) that reinjured what you'd thought was repaired a long time ago. I'm sure, while you explained the new healing process and timeline (which is a bitch you know) - you'd be empathetic and gentle.

Please be empathetic and gentle with yourself. Don't rush the process.

I still love her and can not and will not live without her

Do you mean what that sentence says?

I understand your pain. Thirteen years ago I was on an annual Thanksgiving trip to see family when I realized something very seriously wrong was going on with my W - d-day was 27 days after that Thanksgiving.

You're less than 3 month out. That's still a time of shock. I expect that very few of us know which way is up at that point. I'm pretty sure you don't, surgeon or not. It just takes more time than anyone thinks it should take to start to heal.

Back to the sentence I quoted ... IMO, honesty is the single most crucial element in healing from being betrayed. That starts with being honest wit yourself - and that starts with choosing words carefully. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. You can allow yourself to exaggerate as long as you stay fully aware you're exaggerating.

Does your state allow post-nuptials? If so, I think yours is so punitive it's likely to get thrown out of court. In any case, a post-nup that leaves your W nothing from the assets she helped acquire does not support your claim to 'still love her.' You'll hurt yourself if you tell yourself you love her if you don't. Your post makes me wonder if you are willing to do the work needed to R. There's nothing wrong with not giving your W a chance to R, but you'll hurt yourself if you tell yourself you want R but really don't.

My reco is to start process your feelings out of your body - the anger, grief, fear, and shame that come with being betrayed and lied to for decades. A good IC can help. Once you've made progress there, you'll have a lot more clarity about what you want.

Another reco is to think about how you'll know if your W is a good candidate for R. Willingness to stifle herself is not a good sign, IMO. It takes authenticity to R, and authentic people have wants and boundaries beyond which they won't go.

You need to be authentic, too, with your own desires and boundaries.

For R to work, you need to want to give your W what she wants and want what she wants to give. You need to agree on what making amends means. I'm all for R with remorseful WSes, but if you aren't good matches for each other, IMO you're better off splitting.

HB, 10x weekly? Oh, to be 61 again....

This post is JMO. If it helps, great. If it doesn't, I apologize.

But always remember this: you can heal. It takes work, but life can be good again, whether you R or D.

Thank you all for kind replies

In original post said dday sept 23
In actuality should more be stated as confirmation day
Have always known
Last infidelity approximately 28 years ago
FWW wife ended it" to work on my marriage"
The last 28 years have been good
Last8 to 10 best ever
In my heart I had forgiven her years ago
Since the confirmation confession
Sept 23
It has never been better between us
We communicate about everything
Have established daily datetime where we discuss our day, feelings, concerns
Intimate wise also best. Ever
( aware of hysterical bonding)

I know this will be unpopular comment here
During the a time
I WAS AN ASS HOLE
And accept responsibility for not creating a good marriage environment

Fww accept the infidelity as
Her decision and wholly her responsibility

Since confirmation and removal of doubt anxiety anger entity I am much happier and more at ease
Neither of us realized how much this had been effecting the relationship

My first IC is Tuesday
Fww being scheduled
Mc also being considered

Again my question for this forum is how to address the effects of anxiety anger entity on my relationship of my now adult children

I truly feel like a different person now a better person
Hoping to rid my self of intrusive visions with therapy and time

Fww on board to help
Me recover
Has agreed to all requests
Has been committed to marriage last 28 years is contrite

Question du juor
Do we tell the adult children
We have promised each other NEVER to lie again about anything

I have lost the ability to bullshit or tolerate bullshit
Tough for an Irishman😁
And some part of me feels not telling kids continuing original lie
Am I just being selfish and or vindictive in this ?

Sorry for long post
Good to have someone to talk to

PEACE

To me, informing kids is a natural, and NOT punitive, consequence for her adulteries. You’ll also tell them precisely why you’ve forgiven her and are sticking with her. Maybe just maybe they will be less tempted in their own marriages to stray….

Is d-day 9/2023 or 9/23/2023?

*****

Tell your kids? My opinion: all other things being equal, kids should be isolated from troubles in their parents' M, so we didn't tell our son and DIL about our troubles, even though they visited us 9 days after d-day.

That's what I did and why. You have to make your own decision.
ETA: gr8ful's approach works well, too. I don't mean to put words onto anyone's keyboard, but I think most of us would agree that the difficulty is predicting what approach will work best or even OK for one's own sitch.

*****

my question for this forum is how to address the effects of anxiety anger entity on my relationship of my now adult children

My reco is not to use telling your kids as a way of shaming your W or as a way of expressing anger. If an ulterior motive is a large part of your reason for doing something, it's probably unhealthy to do that thing. Healing requires being as straight and direct as you can be. Say it straight, or you'll show it crooked, as Abe Wagner, a pretty wise guy, says.

Also, you mentioned anxiety in the OP. What are you doing to process that anxiety? Are you going to make use of IC to do that?

*****

It's common for the aftermath of d-day to include increased closeness. It's a phase that can't last without rug-sweeping. Your W not only conducted As; she lied about it for decades. You can R and create the M you always wanted (or the M you never realized you wanted), but that requires both of you to take yourselves apart and put yourselves and your M back together in a way that serves you both - and that takes time.

Think 2-5 years to heal from being betrayed. There's no way to avoid that. You can probably heal faster if you D, but that means being alone for at least some time - and if you don't do the work you need to do (which takes time), you'll probably have problem in the future. I guess D is a surgical approach.

R takes longer than healing alone. It's more work - in addition to healing, it requires rebuilding a relationship. It requires being satisfied with continuous improvement.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:29 PM, Sunday, November 26th]

Have already decided not to tell the adult kids.
This is my shit sandwich and I am not going to share it with the ones I love most.

Really I am doing much better.
We talk more than ever
I feel closer and more in Love than I can remember
I think since I knew everything for 25 + years
The confession and contrition ( proper use per article here) has unburdened me from the " entity" that has caused so much anger in me.

I do not have time for any more anger in my life

IC for me starts Tuesday

For fws next week
Question re Mc as seems very unpopular here on site

I think I burned thru a lot of this trauma past 2.5 decades
Since expelling the entity
I have realized what an asshoole I was during this period.

If I was a woman married to
me then I most likely would have stabbed me rather than cheating

Regardless
Here now in the present
Can not alter either of our past behaviors
Both will be starting IC
Both happier then ever
I am 62
Present health and family history got 35 years tops left
Plan to stay with my wife and love her as often as possible till then
Thank you all for your help

PEACE

You sound like you are confident in your decisions. Keep with your communications and honesty. Everyone can get better if they want to.

Have already decided not to tell the adult kids.

I made the same choice.

I love how my kids look at their mother -- I don't think they needed to know about her very worst days. They know she's human already.

I imagine I may have made a different choice if my wife hadn't shown so much remorse and worked so hard to be a better person. Maybe. I know her healing and the trauma she caused with her choices is nothing like mine, but I am certain NOT telling our sons has helped us heal a bit faster.

And hey, it didn't matter if you were an asshole, people can make many healthy choices to help the marriage. Choosing to cheat never makes it better.

A good IC will hold her responsible for her choices. Our IC was great.

Lots and lots of hard work, but I am very happy to have rebuilt our M here.

Strength to you and good luck as you build yourself back as well.

I'm 55. I'm not the same person I was in 1996. From your account, neither are you - or your wife.

She confessed. Your marriage has been very good - and has now been fortified with the truth. AND you get to enjoy HB.

You want her. She wants you. You're both willing to do the work. Let's get this reconciliation party started.

If I'm reading correctly that the current wife of the AP is 36 years old now, there's no need to tell her anything. She wasn't the one betrayed. I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

Also, there's no need to tell your children anything unless you want to. There's no moral obligation to do that.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 5:52 PM, Monday, November 27th]

Sacredsoul33
My error AP spouse not 33 yo
They were married at time and belive still are.
Located thru internet.
Scary how much info a few $ can by
Have attempted contact via home phone unsuccessful
Plan now via holiday card

Tell the kids. They deserve to know why their father was upset, and distant. It affected them. They've probably internalized it, and thought it was something about them.

They deserve to know.

Will not involve them in the pain.
Will be a better father and person
Fww has talked with kids about positive changes in me and relationship
Ic starts tonite
Wish me luck
Statement say on site sums up feelings now
LOVE HER MORE THAN I HATE WHAT SHE DID

PEACE

Will not involve them in the pain.
Will be a better father and person
Fww has talked with kids about positive changes in me and relationship
Ic starts tonite
Wish me luck
Statement seen
on site sums up feelings now
LOVE HER MORE THAN I HATE WHAT SHE DID

PEACE

As expected, some believe the only reason to tell the (adult) kids is to "shame the wife". I vehemently disagree. Fully agree with Hellfire - her adulteries impacted the kids as well. As I stated before, I think the kids just might learn a good life’s lesson: adultery is so much more devastating than what is portrayed in our culture.

Your choice, of course. However,explaining this to the kids,might help them understand why dad was so angry and dealing with anxiety.

Ok..so you're not now. That doesn't offer them an explanation.

You're going to be better now. That's great. It won't help them deal with their difficult childhood.

I find it extremely interesting that your wife knows why you were the way you were. And rather than own her part, she is telling them you've changed, and making excuse,rather than being honest.

You have the opportunity to not only teach your kids the impact of infidelity,so they can learn from your wife's poor choices, but this could also strengthen the difficult relationships you have with them.

Playing pretend doesn't help anyone. Except maybe the woman who cheated,and caused the turmoil and trauma.

Playing pretend doesn't help anyone. Except maybe the woman who cheated,and caused the turmoil and trauma.

Amen!

I disagree that anyone else, including children, deserves to know the intimate details of a marriage. They do deserve an apology for poor behavior and a general explanation that things were stressful.

On the flip side, I think if you are willing to be transparent with them, they'll know that you're a safe harbor in a storm. We told our children because we became an open book with our friends and we didn't want our kids to find out from someone else.

I also think that if YOU want to tell them but your wife doesn't, you have every right to do so. Like I've read and said a thousand times, if the WS didn't want you to talk about what they did, they shouldn't have made it a part of your story.

JMO.

I agree that they don't need details. But a general explanation is,IMO, needed for everyone to heal. They don't need to know how many affairs,who it was with,etc. But a truthful explanation can go a long way in helping everyone heal.

"Your mother was unfaithful, and I had a very difficult time healing."

People can be "assholes"… your word… for all kinds of reasons.

If you’re goal for your children is to just understand that you were under stress, and in a very bad place, but now you’re not… and you are really wanting to show them this different side of you and enhance your relationship with them…then why not address the "asshole" behavior generally.

If I understood correctly, you were being an asshole prior to knowing about her infidelity. Would you have to include the infidelity?

I would just discuss with them that you were in a bad place, and the marriage was not what you wanted it to be, and that now things are much better. And that you want to let them know that you are sorry, and striving to make your relationship with them better and stronger.

Why does your sex life have to be mentioned specifically?

Just IMHO.