SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not looking for any advice, just want to know if anyone else can understand this. 4 years since d/day WH has admitted he was seeing AP and says he is not now. That is all I have had from him. Oh and it was never PA , not sure I believe that. He claims he is not leaving despite threatening it in the past. WH is a compartmentaliser & has been living in two worlds, home and AP. They have collided as AP announced to anyone who would listen the A and its length and then laughed in my face

Friendships from my childhood all ruined by the AP attaching herself to the group and spreading hate. WH still here and yet emotionally detached as has shown no willingness to discuss this further or be vulnerable with me.
WH now facing health problems that could be serious and he still refuses to connect and lives in a kind of state of denial on all of it including his health.
I swing between utter despair as I still love him or the person I thought he was and yet I have no transparency in my marriage and I am constantly fearful of the future

It sounds like he's a serial cheater, and they are notoriously bad at R because they don't have the gumption in them to do the work to become a safe partner.

In looking at his behavior now, is this how you want to be treated for the next 20 years?

When I was in the period of deciding should I stay or should I go, my hard boundary was that an inappropriate relationship with another person and we would go straight to D. Well, XWH wasn't really doing the work to become a safe partner and was inappropriate with somebody. Now, we're D after 30+ years of M.

Part of my decision was looking at XWH's behavior towards me for the last 10 years of our M. Did I want to be treated like that for the next 20 years or so? Nope.

So maybe this is the time to step back and think about how you'd like for the rest of your life to look.

Gracey, I put in three years of effort after D Day with a compartmentalizer who was also unwilling to stop keeping secrets and lying. Eventually, as I saw more lies and my eyes slowly opened, I could no longer tolerate the pain of loving someone who did not love and respect me. She used the word love, but love is a verb and if the treatment doesn't reflect the behavior, is it love as I understood it and needed it to be? It was not. If you respect someone, you are very careful with your words and you don't lie to them. Lying to a person is an on-going act of disrespect.

WH still here and yet emotionally detached as has shown no willingness to discuss this further or be vulnerable with me.

I was in a false reconciliation and attributed progress when she was detached and still living a 2nd life.

When was the last time there was progress toward reconciliation? Does he own his deplorable behavior, or is he defensive, minimizing, and redirecting or stonewalling? How does he treat you?

Simple seeming questions, but my unwillingness to accept the reality of my STBXWW treatment of me kept me in false R. I failed to see what was in front of me and it has cost me dearly. I was told by anyone and everyone with the information that I was in a false R. I did not listen, I could not see. Lack of transparency is simply continued lying. This has stuck with me, "All you have to do is stop lying." Truth and transparency are foundational to R. Believing you have to nurse the truth out of a wayward is just a form of co-dependency.

Treat yourself better.

Gracey, What are you getting from your connection with your WS? Your post makes it look like he brings you down when you interact. Why stick with him? Have you read the thread on D fears vs reality in the D/S forum?

Obviously, one can't write everything in an Internet forum, which is why I ask the questions above.