SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WH has agreed to do whatever it takes to keep my love. I requested all access to his electronic devices and to be tracked on life 360.
I also told him he needs to do some deep soul searching. That he needs to consider seeing a therapist to work on himself but I’m not forcing him to go to therapy. Working on himself has to be something he wants to do.

Any advice on what all I should task for?

Here are a couple of boundaries that I set other than access to electronic devices:

1. Any inappropriate (sexual) contact with somebody else is a deal-breaker and immediate move to D
2. Individual counseling to work on becoming a safe partner
3. Do not stay in a room with only a female present, with certain exceptions that I named. He was to call or Facetime me if this happened
4. No porn
5. No social media female friends unless I approved. (He has really crappy boundaries)
6. Read and do: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald
7. Read together: Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass (He may have read 1 or 2 pages)

I gave myself 6-month increments to take stock of where things were in the M and see if he was making progress or just checking the box to get me off his back.

To go away....

I would add that there should be consequences, too. I can understand not Facetiming me if he's leaving the room in a minute or two. Inappropriate contact is the reason for moving directly to D.

Agree there should be a consequence as you have suffered many D-Days. I would try to detach somewhat and watch his actions and he cannot waiver not even once. He needs IC, to be transparent and move literally mountains to show you that he is working at becoming a safer person and to figure out why the hell he would keep putting you through this. Right now he sounds like he is all words and desperately clinging on to keep you from leaving.

What is it that YOU really want? Do you think you are staying out of fear or do you still love him? Work on your boundaries and get strong I would see my own therapist and work on myself. I would also build a life for myself outside of the M. One that makes you happy and feel empowered enough that if he even slips up once you are ready to call it a day.

Do you know what I'd ask for? A divorce. Hear me out. I would give him the opportunity to continue to fix his shit. IF he could give me everything fair in the divorce AND still continue to work on himself, he might get another chance once he's the man I deserved. If not, well, we're already divorced, have a great life.

This is one great way to give him the chance to put his money where his mouth is.

He can prove he has good intentions by not contesting fair options. That looks like 50/50 childcare, maybe spousal support for 2 years to give you an opportunity to get on your feet (if you were a SAHM), half equity on home sale, half savings and investments, fair CS for both, etc. He would also be required to commit to reconciliation actions such as he go complete NC with AP. Basically, he gets consequences but can still EARN grace back.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:06 AM, Wednesday, January 10th]

I wanted the 7 years I was married to him back, which my WH couldn’t give me.

So I divorced him and now I have the rest of my life to look forward to.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:28 AM, Wednesday, January 10th]