SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

i just found the evidence of his affair, but haven’t confronted him yet. i always have my suspicions but never have a real proof, and he always so perfect around me & our daughter.

the shocking news is i think he’s having an affair for almost 5 years. which is half of our marriage. he’s always been that perfect husband my friends are all talking about.

my world is falling apart. i don’t want to confront him yet but i just can’t face him either. 😢

the other woman is divorcee with a son. and they met from work related meetings. 3 years a go i found videos of her (nudes etc) but he said it’s porn that he subscribed to, he even swore on his mom’s life. since i don’t have any more evidence i just have to let it go.

but he still keep assuring me with his actions to prove his innocent. sending me pics when he’s meeting clients overtime, video call when he have to go home late etc, never protective of his phone or laptop.

but i think the truth will reveal by itself and i accidentally found her number and do some research.

i think mostly is because of his fetish (and he once told me he thinks he addicted to sex) and i’m not the one who enjoys sex a lot. but we still did it, just not every day. he never asks me for sex, which i asked him before. and he said he doesn’t want to pressure me because i’m too tired, and he’s enough by masturbating to porn. i know it’s somehow a red flag but i just think i’m so lucky to have such a considerate husband. i want to confront him but i’m afraid he’ll be leaving us.

note: 3 years ago (not long after i found the nudes and vids) i realized i have HPV (vaginal warts). he keep assuring me, maybe we got it from our previous relationship (almost 20 years ago). which is super rare for vaginal warts to come up after that very long time. even after i got HPV he still keep seeing her till today.

do you guys think, it’s possible for him to change? i don’t have a choice but to stay at this marriage for the sake of my daughter.

[This message edited by melody2024 at 2:38 PM, Sunday, January 14th]

Hi, melody, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here. Weekends are a bit slow so hang in there, members will come along to support you.

Please take care of yourself right now. Eat, stay hydrated, get exercise and sleep. If you are having trouble coping, meet with your doctor for some temporary medications.

Do you have TRUSTED friends/family members you can confide in? A member of the clergy or a counselor?

When you do confront him, please don't ever reveal how you found out. Understand he will lie and deny...99% of them do.

You currently have three in your marriage. Please don't allow yourself to put up with his betrayal one minute longer. Are you willing to share your husband with another woman? Also when you confront, be sure you have solid evidence (don't share it with him). Inform him that you know, again don't reveal your sources. How did you discover the affair?

Your husband is not considerate, he's probably getting his sexual fulfillment elsewhere, trying to make himself out to be the "good" guy for not pressuring you. Understand, that's a crock of crap.

IF he has a sex addiction, that's an entirely new issue to address. Rarely do addicts recover, and those who do, it takes years with consistent professional help.

Have you checked out the articles in the Healing Library? Chock full of good information.

Also, do not ever share this website with him, it's YOUR safe space.

Hi Melody and welcome to SI. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that you may find helpful. There are some additional posts, such as Another Good Post for Newbies to Read, that might provide some additional information for you. The Healing Library also contains the list of acronyms we use. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there is a thread for LTAs (Long-Term Affairs) that may provide some good advice for you.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may help you process through this trauma. Your feelings can be all over the place (the emotional rollercoaster), and your brain may feel numb. He needs to have IC to find out his whys.

i’m so lucky to have such a considerate husband

He's not a considerate husband. He's selfish, thinking only of his own needs. Instead of meeting with AP and expending time and energy with her, he could have been investing that time and energy into you and your children. I am of the opinion that infidelity is abuse. He's lied to you, exposed you to who knows what kind of diseases from this other person(s).

he once told me he thinks he addicted to sex

Only a C-SAT (certified sexual addiction therapist) can give that diagnosis. There's another therapist, Lundy Bancroft, who feels that people are using the SA term as a way to avoid facing up to their poor decisions.

If you're tired, maybe he should consider doing some laundry, cooking a meal, making sure the kids have their homework done, do the dishes and put them away. That would be much more helpful than stealing from your family unit to give to the AP.

Sorry you're here, and others should be along to chime in, too.

Sorr you find yourself here. Your WH is not considerate. When you saw nude videos on his phone he lied and gaslighted you. Read in the healing library and keep posting. You will receive good support. Take care of you. Try to eat healthy and exercise. It is normal to be frozen by fear of losing your current M. The goal here is for you to survive infidelity and live an authentic life. Be there for your child. It sounds like your WH puts up a "perfect" facade. When you do confront be calm and firm. Don’t ask him if he is cheating, tell him you know he is. Give him one chance to come clean. You will get through this. Get help in IC if need be. Most importantly, take care of you. Good luck.

i don’t have a choice but to stay at this marriage for the sake of my daughter.

Well… If that is totally 100% true then maybe you just accept he has affairs, meets other women and spreads STD’s to you – his wife. Maybe negotiate that he gets all his sexual needs met elsewhere or uses a condom when you two are intimate.

I am really hoping for your sake this doesn’t sound appealing.

So… why not start by gathering real information on what divorce would really look like? Like, what is the process, does infidelity factor in divorce, what would his accountability towards you be and so on and so on. This info is probably readily available through local women’s support groups and hotlines, and can be gatherer anonymously.

That info will let you know what you need to confront. And yes – you do need to confront him.

If your fear of never being able to leave the marriage is true then he might leave or he might want to commit to the marriage. We don’t know. Something tells me that unless you are located in some hills in remote Farawayistan your legal standing is a lot better than you think…

But… If you are living in a more civilized society then your power is more than you realize. Yes – divorce might lead to your daughter growing up with less interaction with her dad, but then her prime-caretaker will be a proud independent woman that stood up to abuse and refused to be subjugated.

Or… her dad steps up to the plate and starts acting like a respecting husband and father.

Look at it this way:

In having an affair is your husband showing you – a woman – the respect you deserve?

If he’s this willing to show you – a woman – disrespect then what will he show his daughter – a woman?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:31 AM, Wednesday, January 17th]