SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I never understood the whole "invasion of privacy" excuse. Agree with others, if your spouse/SO gets upset because you "went into" his/her phone or asked to take a look, that speaks volumes how they feel about you and a huge red flag imo. But, I never asked to look. Silly me.

[This message edited by Apollos at 6:31 PM, Tuesday, February 13th]

She’s almost 60 and still a cheater. Yes, she is cheating, clear as day. And it doesn’t matter if she isn’t sleeping with him (though yeah if she’s seeing him she is), what matters is how you feel about it. It’s cheating to you, that’s all you need.

You think she will reform her ways now? I would not take that bet.

Be glad you found out this early in the relationship and move on. Otherwise you can expect nothing but pain.

You don't owe this woman a reason for breaking up with her, @Troutman, other than letting her know that you just don't feel you and she are meant to be together after all. If she presses you can explain in more detail why.

Make a clean break. She already knows that what she is doing is wrong. And she already knows that what she is doing is *especially* hurtful in light of your history w your XWW. (Well it is always plain wrong hurtful whether or not you had a cheating partner, but especially doubly so as you did.)

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:55 PM, Tuesday, February 13th]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the thoughts.

It really is hard to believe it's happening. If I didn't have my odd feeling about this guy (former BS spidey senses I guess...)nothing else is amiss in our relationship. She is so kind and thoughtful to me, our love life is spectacular, everyone likes her in my circle, she sends me nice texts throughout the day etc... Her Christmas gifts to me were personal and well thought out including a photo book of our year. She and I communicate better than my EX and I ever did, and have had a lot of in-depth relationship discussions.We've talked about building a life together, starting with this move-in which I was ready for after thriteen months together. It just doesn't make sense...

In terms of the relationship, I fell harder first, but she has really invested the last six or seven months. She had some "walls' up from her last previous long-term relationship that she thought was headed for marriage but ended up being heartbreak. She said at one point a few months ago "if you asked me to marry you I'd say yes". I told her at the time that was way too soon.

And yes, to answer a question asked, moving in with me would benefit her finacially. She lives much closer to paycheck to paycheck and things would certainly be much easier under my roof. W were not planning to merge finances, she was merely going to pay me X dollars a month towards household expenses, which I cover just fine on my own now, so the extra money benefits me as well really. The horrible cynic in me said to myslef, maybe she's just using me for money. If so, she's done a brilliant job making it look like she's in love and invested in me. One can only keep that up for so long. That doesn't mean she's not a "cake eater".

It's not so easy as just tell her it is over and go NC. She's already "pre-moved" a bunch of stuff to my place. I mean a small U-haul worth at this point. So there's that to untangle. I know I shouldn't feel bad because I didn't do anything, but she won't have anywhere to live in two weeks as her lease is up and the place is rented to new tenants. And no, she can't go live with "him", he lives with another woman!I would have done this sooner if I had the information. I just found it yesterday.

One of her few negative qualities is she does have a bit of a 0-100 temper. It's never been directed at me, but this could be ugly when I tell her, especially with her uncertain living arrangments as a result.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 8:59 PM, Tuesday, February 13th]

Gently I don’t know your full story with your EX, but it sounds like she just went cold and left, so maybe you didn’t get the full cheating experience a lot of us have.

In between ddays My WW would write me letters and cards, telling me how much love she had and there is no one else and how sorry for all the pain she caused me, some days she would do that from her APs house.

Cheating cake eaters lie, they want both.

You’re being way too nice about it. She lied to you, risked your health, know that you’re hurting from being cheated on already and has the audacity to pretend to set up a life with you. Get angry!

She’s almost 60 she can figure out her own problems. Kick her out, cold as you can and move on. You let her move in, you let this relationship continue then you are responsible for the misery she will bring you.

She didn’t worry about you at all while cheating on you. She only is thinking about herself.

If you’re worried about confrontation, record it when you tell her. That way if she flips (and yes she absolutely could) or tries to make a lie about abuse (again very common play for a cheater), you’re protected

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 9:00 PM, Tuesday, February 13th]

I feel bad for everything you are going through. I don’t think at this juncture you are ready to entangle your life with this woman. She’s cheating on you. Is this REALLY how you want to start building your life together? With doubt, uncertainty, hesitation, reservations not to mention you’d be starting off with HUGE trust issues at the onset. What happens when you’re traveling for work? He will be in YOUR home spending time and affection and more with YOUR girl - in YOUR home and likely YOUR bed. Dear sir! Please think this through! So she has a temper - what’s worse? Her being totally pissed off and maybe throwing a few things around or YOU moving her in and THEN finding OM boxers under your bed? We as betrayed spouses definitely have our spidey senses activated when things seem "off". What is constantly said around here on SI? Trust. Your. Gut. You have to confront. You have to tell her you know there’s more going on between them than she has let on. You don’t have to reveal your source. But you definitely NEED to stand up for yourself! Tell her she is free as free can be to date other men or whatever BUT only as a single woman. NOT while she’s in a supposed committed relationship with you! You do not tolerate cheating in any form. Secret lovey, flirty texts, kissy emojis, keeping the ex around on a short leash - is not tolerated, is not acceptable. If she’s 100% committed to you then she drops the ex immediately and goes NC. Period. Don’t be afraid she’s going to bring on the wrath - say BRING IT! I’d rather you be yelled at than have to go through MORE infidelity in your life. Quite frankly I am APPALLED at how bold she is carrying on this behavior while getting ready to MOVE IN with you!! WTH? Even though what all of us are saying might sound harsh - I hope you know that the bottom line is we are trying to save you from some heartache down the road where it might be that much harder to untangle yourself from her when you have even more evidence that she’s unfaithful. Believe me, there ARE good and decent women out there. This my friend is just not one of them. Please take care of yourself. Protect your heart. You deserve so much better!!

If you let her move in you will have a much harder time getting rid of her.

Bite the bullet now and tell her you will pay for her to stay in a temp place for a month.

Do. Not. Let. Her. Move. In. With. You.

You will regret that even more.

^^^The 1st Wife is Spot on.

Does she have family/friends she can couch surf with for a month or two.

You are describing a woman who is actively cheating on you. Kind and thoughtful and a deceptive cheater.

Repeating what 1st wife said: Under no circumstances should she move in with you.

And, yes, I think she may be relying on you financially as well. A wolf in sheep's clothing.

You've been to hell and back, please, please don't allow yourself to sink back into that dark place again.

Did you take a picture of the texts?

Her ex lives with a women. Send them to her if you can.

GF will be coming to collect her things soon enough, once the ex contacts her.

Did you take a picture of the texts?

I did. As to the other woman I have no idea who she is.

I feel really bad for you and your situation. Maybe more than usual since you thought she was the next chapter in your love life and she behaves this way. I’ll be upfront and say I really hope you break up with her and give her as little comfort as possible during the process.

I might have missed it, but was she aware of how your last relationship ended? If yes, then her behavior is even more cruel and selfish. I’m going to guess this has brought up some old feelings and created some new ones.

If the AP lives with a woman, then it is certain the AP would end up at your house when you are away. I think it’s important to consider they might have discussed your home as the plan already.

I wish she hadn’t put you in this hard situation and hurt you like this. I hope you respond by her being put in a bad situation because of the decisions she’s made. None of this is your fault.

Sorry but at the end of the day she is lying. Lying is NEVER OK she should know that. You should know that.
Do NOT tolerate it. Do NOT allow her to move in. The rules and laws protect renters/boarders. Not the property owners.

Also go get STD tested and demand she does if you dont end this.

Trout,

I know I can come off as harsh, but i really hope you dig in and find your strength. I know how hard this is, and truly I am sorry that you find yourself here, again. I have no idea what you are feeling as you thought you were out of infidelity only to find yourself right back to where you started with someone who you felt comfortable enough with to let your guard down. That has to be one of the worst feelings.

Remember she knew your past, knew how much you were destroyed by your now ex, and she still chose to cheat. I’m willing to bet this ain’t her first time, as she seems to be an expert at living a double life.

You won’t change her. And I would not bet she will make any effort to change for you. Don’t be her knight in shining armor. She is an experienced cake eater. This is who she is. She won’t suddenly see the light and be a loyal safe partner. Especially not at her age. I can almost guarantee if you leave her she will have someone else lined up in a very short time.

I wish you nothing but the best

Troutman,
I am very sorry for the situation you find yourself in. The SI members who gave their advice and opinions are spot on. I know it’s difficult to hear and not what you want to hear.
Even if your GF is not sleeping with her ex, she is betraying you and lying to you. She might have an entangled relationship with her ex and might think it is harmless. She wants to keep her relationship with her ex a secret from you and gaslight you when you ask her about it. It seems like she’s got a part of heart for her ex and a part for you.
Just because someone is not faithful or honest does not mean she/he cannot be thoughtful and caring. Some are very good at pretending and acting to get what they want.

Troutman:

I really like Bigger’s advice. Even better than my own advice! Ha! I hope you reread it and sit down with her and have the frank discussion he outlined along with a ten day break if you feel that is something you want to do. You are certainly warranted in just breaking off the relationship. Tushnurse gets to the heart of it: no matter how supportive or loving and committed she acts, she is still lying to you. She should not be moving in with you right now. But you are in control.

None of us wants to see you get entangled and get hurt again. Also, none of us knows this woman except for how you have described her. We each get a picture in our mind of her motivations. But we really have no clue. Except, she is lying to you. I hope you have that discussion. Good luck.

This gives me the creeps. It certainly sounds like a little woohoo with the OM while living on your money. I don’t think you should try to talk yourself out of knowing this.

Go get a UHaul, load her stuff up, take it back to her place, unload it and tell her it is over. You never have to tell her why. You have the right to leave anytime, so do it.

Sweet women have been known to poison spouses. My husband and I were very good friends with a widower. A very charming woman moved in and although he wasn’t interested in marriage she was like water dripping on stone. He finally caved. 2 yrs later she informed his family he had died and she had him cremated. He had not been ill as far as the family knew. They suspect she did something but will never be able to prove it. He was in his early 60s with nothing wrong as far as his family knew. Read the book THE GIFT OF FEAR. And keep your door locked.

The horrible cynic in me said to myslef, maybe she's just using me for money. If so, she's done a brilliant job making it look like she's in love and invested in me. One can only keep that up for so long. That doesn't mean she's not a "cake eater".

This happened to me. I met a woman a little over a year ago that lived in a small town a couple hours from me. After a few months we got very serious. She expressed interest in moving closer to me.

I had tenants in an investment property and their lease was ending in May. I offered to help her move to town and host the house as an AirBnB (she had a lot of experience in hospitality managing a hotel). I thought it was a great opportunity for both of us. We began making arrangements. Soon afterward she had a back injury at her job that was going to require major surgery. It became obvious that hosting an AirBnB would not be possible. The forward momentum of moving her here had already begun.

I helped her move to town for her surgery and took care of her while she recovered. She is financially disadvantaged. I paid for her move, I helped find her a house, I gave her a job, I paid the security deposits, cosigned on her lease and paid her rent for 3 months. Things seemed great for a while.

Once she recovered from surgery I told her she could now get back to work and handle her own expenses. At that point the relationship changed. Four days after she was responsible for her own rent she broke it off with me.

She did a brilliant job making it look like she was in love and invested in me. I've learned an expensive and valuable lesson.

Reconsider your direction. You have every right to confront her on your findings. You don't have to tell her how you know. Her denial will give you your answer.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

From what you've said so far, it sounds like it's your "spidy senses" working overtime. I know how bad you've been hurt in the past, but have you talked to her ? Maybe you're jumping to a conclusion that isn't correct.
Set her down and tell how your feeling.
That you feel like it did with your EXWW.
You might be surprised by her answers.

I wish you luck.

New confrontation idea:

Tell her your gut has been screaming at you about her and her X. Ask her to help you overcome these feelings by showing you her phone. If she refuses, use that as the basis for ending the relationship - that you refuse to be in a relationship demanding such secrecy. If she hands you the phone and the texts have been deleted, THEN show her the pics you took, and end the relationship telling her you won’t tolerate lies and infidelity (and yes, she was unfaithful regardless of whether it was physical). If the texts are still there, tell her you are unwilling to be in a relationship where she continues shenanigans with an X.

This way you only show her your pics if she’s CLEARLY lying to you, and at that point you know the relationship must end anyway.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 9:59 PM, Wednesday, February 14th]

A little adder to my previous posting.

Just avoid the drama, just end it. Simply state thanks but you know she has been with that other guy, don't show her any evidence or how you got it. Just simply say it, end it and move on. Never people information about how you know things, just that you know it.

Do it before she moves into your house, and avoid vacillating, remember this is who she is...and people generally do not become better people with age. Although they should , they usually do not.

Best Wishes.