SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been living in a bubble. I was a stay-at-home mom for the last 5 years to raise the babies and the pandemic. I just recently rejoined the world and I'm an ESL teacher abroad. If you've been an expat you know it's a small community of English speakers in every foreign city. Anyways it was my birthday and all my co-workers wished me happy birthday and asked about my plans. I blurted out I might be getting a divorce to avoid crying at work. It's been a constant fight the last 5 years to get my husband to slow down on his drinking especially when his drunken nights end in texting every half naked woman on instagram from around the world or our tiny city. Anyways at age 34, I was just done with his BS. My boss listened to my story and said she'd like to get lunch in a few days. I thought it was bad news since my visa is dependent on my marriage status.... turns out 6 years ago her good friend from Australia had an affair with my husband.

So that means a month after my daughter was born while my body was healing; he celebrated by burying his dick in a 19 year old girl. He was 25 years old. I broke my heart, because I checked our pictures from the time of the affair.... we were nonstop fighting, I was always home alone and I even chopped off my hair. I was visibly suffering and I could feel him abandoning me... They only had sex for 3 days but talked online for a year. I'm completely broken because every picture of us as a happy family is just a lie. From the beginning he ruined the entire possibility of a happy family or marriage.

You'd think it would end there... but after I confronted him and kicked him out of the house... more secrets came out. For the last year he's been fucking an older women like a whore. She was basically his taxi cab driver that liked to be his obedient sub. She did every whore fantasy he wanted. This woman even messages me saying she's deeply in love with my husband and has been waiting for him to get divorced. Even the woman from 6 years has intense feelings of hate for him because he lied to her about being married. She even flew all the way from Australia to Italy to confront him. My husband doesn't even remember having anything with her. He only recognized her face after I showed him a picture.

And we're not done yet... his best female friend who I always felt was in love with him, yet he constantly reassured me that she was only a friend. She tried to kiss him and wanted a relationship. He says he rejected her, but even after I constantly asked him about their friendship... he always lied.

Finding out all of this in the last 4 days has completely destroyed me. I was wild and free before we fell in love. I gave up my my sexual freedom to be monogamous. I sacrificed my health and my body to give us children and 3 angels. Pregnancy is extremely hard on my body and I'm high risk. I even live in a foreign country to be together. I feel like I've sacrificed so much only to be betrayed....

Now he's been showering me in love, pleas and promises of being a better man, husband and father. He's blocked all the women that are in love with him and he's deleted his instagram. We even start couples therapy on Tuesday. He also wants to propose and get remarried with new vows of his renewed dedication, commitment and love. He wants to get a ring and my name tattooed on his body.

I'm scared he's just saying what I want to hear or he's too ashamed to get divorced and lose his kids over multiple affairs starting back 6 years ago. How can you know if the last 5 years was just a giant lie? Do I even know this person? Do people change? And he claims these women are lower than nothing to him and he's only ever loved me... but if he could treat me like this, then I feel like he values me less than the other women. I feel so broken. I literally just want to walk out of this life with my passport... just disappear and forget my entire life here.

Welcome to SI and I'm so very sorry that you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum and some with bullseyes that you may find helpful. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

First, I would recommend not going to MC (marriage counseling). Your M (marriage) didn't cheat - your WH (wayward husband) did. It's recommended IC for you to heal you, IC for him to dig into his whys and to work on becoming a safe partner. Then, MC to work on the M. If you get the wrong MC, they will place some of the blame on you. The cheating is 100% on him.

I recommend you read the information on the 180 to give yourself some emotional distance.

Now he's been showering me in love, pleas and promises of being a better man, husband and father.

He's love bombing you, which is meant to keep your emotions in the way and make your thinking fuzzy.

Be sure to take care of you and your children right now. He can take care of himself. Be sure to eat and stay hydrated. If you have trouble sleeping or with depression/anxiety, talk to your doctor. Also, you will want to both be tested for STDs/STIs as some of them have some very horrible health consequences.

Was the last 5 years a lie? When you were happy, did you consider yourself happy? When you were angry, sad, (whatever), were you being authentic to the knowledge of what you had at the time? If you were living authentically, then the years weren't a lie for you. For him, that's another matter.

If he's sincere in wanting to change, then watch his actions. Words mean very little at this point. Also, he may want to read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's fairly short and is a good blueprint for him.

Please be kind to yourself. Don’t buy any of what he is saying. His way of life is having sex with any woman interested. He obviously lies to them for them to believe he is going to marry them. The way you describe it almost sounds like a sickness. It certainly appears to be a sex addiction times 1000.
He cannot change his behaviors this quickly.
He is in a panic because his real life has been exposed. What will he do with himself if he doesn’t have home base to hide in? You were the solid rock he hid behind.
Since you are in another country from where you have citizenship you need to look at how to proceed. Can he find therapists for this behavior? What can you do legally? I suggest a dr for you to be tested and no more sex with him unless he is cured. You need to take care of your own health because you have children depending on you.

Hi, welcome to SI. Glad you found us.

From what you wrote, and please correct me if I'm wrong, your husband has been cheating since just about the beginning of your marriage. He's a serial cheater and an alcoholic.

Now he's been showering me in love, pleas and promises of being a better man, husband and father. He's blocked all the women that are in love with him and he's deleted his instagram. We even start couples therapy on Tuesday. He also wants to propose and get remarried with new vows of his renewed dedication, commitment and love. He wants to get a ring and my name tattooed on his body.

^^^Just no! Please for the love of God understand he is manipulating you. You do not need couples counseling, he needs to be evaluated by someone who specializes in addiction (sex and alcohol IMO). He's a broken man, a man with a mask as you describe. There's probably more that you don't know.

Please get tested for STDS and find a good counselor for yourself to help you navigate through this hell. He's been abusing you for years, please, please take time to figure out why you would want to continue with this relationship.

Post as often as you need to, and please check out the articles in the healing library.

I think of him as a man in a mask because the first affair was so early after our first child. But I have forgotten a few details. We were separated when we had our first child. At that time he did stay loyal and I went back to my ex-girlfriend for a little. I grew up in America and have a much higher body count than he will ever achieve in this lifetime. I understand sex and experimenting. The problem for me is the lack of honesty. We could have had an open marriage if he had been honest. We are both very capable of fucking without emotional attachment. He grew up in the religious country of Italy and lived with his family until we got married. I am his first girlfriend, the first woman he’s ever introduced to his family, his first love and first roommate. I had freedom for 26 years when he restrained by where and how he grew up. The first thing I did was visit my doctor and I’m negative for everything.

He has never promised marriage to anyone else. He was never interested in leaving. We went from sex 16 times a day to zero after the pregnancy and having kids. He didn’t adapt well. He has only had sex with 2 women outside of the marriage. The last one he never even saved her number, she hounded him for a year until she caught him at a weak moment. Between our fighting and his drinking, he was vulnerable. He literally only called her whore and never used her name. I messaged this woman to hear both sides of the story. She admitted to being in love and hoping he’d get divorced. For him he had been very clear what she was to him. A whore for sucking dick. I think him not being emotionally unavailable is what made these women want him even more. He used to model, owns his own business plus he’s tall, dark, handsome and multi-lingual.

As hard as the last week has been, he’s followed through on his word and shared all his secrets no matter how painful. He deleted all his socials, blocked all the women and booked our first appointment in 4 days. We chose a couples therapist because he wants me to be a part of every step and to know 100% of it all. It’s been painful but the honesty shows me a glimpse of the person I knew before. I think it was just an ugly cycle of shame and guilt that led him to drinking then we’d fight then he’d drink and get lonely. The nights he’d reject the other women, he would try to come to me. I pushed him away and out of my bed. I recognize the situation, but he is still 100% at fault for cheating instead of being honest with me.

He wants to fix what he broke, but he understands I am still open to divorce if therapy doesn’t work. I was hoping to hear stories about how other couples worked through the infidelity. He also understands it might take 10 years before I trust him again.

HawaiianMami, you and your husband's sexual histories prior to the start of your relationship are irrelevant. The fact that you sewed your wild oats before you settled down and he (allegedly) didn't doesn't give him carte blanche to cheat on you.

A good man doesn't wake up one morning and decide he's going to be a serial cheating cad. He almost certainly was hooking up with his "best female friend." The Australian and the driver are just the ones you know about. There are definitely others.

Your husband doesn't love you and he doesn't respect you... nor is he capable of love and respect for any woman. That's the reason he didn't give you the option of an open marriage; he wants a relationship on his terms. His view is that women exist to meet his needs. You exist to serve as his wife appliance and to take care of the home and children. Other women exist to be sex toys. He's not afraid of losing you as a person; he's afraid of losing the services you provide.

A week of good behavior is absolutely nothing. You know that he's a compulsive liar. He made promises to you that he didn't keep. He has almost certainly romanced and made promises to other women, no matter how much he says he was just using them. And his drinking isn't about shame; it's just another symptom of his compulsive and reckless behavior.

I'm sure that there will be others who will tell you what to do to gage whether he's a good candidate for reconciliation, but I've yet to see a serial cheater like yours reform themselves in any meaningful way.

Look up lovebombing. That describes your guy to a T.

I’d suggest giving it time. He’s moving mountains now, but will he be putting in the same effort next month and the month after that?

He’s being cheating a long time. Serial cheaters can stop temporarily (however long it takes until they feel comfortable again) but often it does not last.

I would hate to see you here at SI 5 years from now in the same situation. I am hoping others who have experienced marriage to a serial cheater will weigh in here with their personal experiences.

PS. He’s not crying b/c he hurt you. He’s upset b/c he got caught and he’s trying to deflect attention away from him and his actions to him and his "victim" Role.

I’ve been an expat. I was away from home when I found out what my XWH had been doing. It was terrifying.

One thing I would ask yourself now is, are you living where you want to be living? If not, and he’s love bombing you, is now the time to say you all (child included) need to move to your home country? If this M ends up not being able to be saved and you end up D, would you prefer to be in your home country? If so, move quickly on this. It’s hard to move children around the world when one parent disagrees. I would recommend either getting him to agree to a move in the near future, or (if that is not possible due to practicalities such as employment) speaking with a lawyer in your current country to see if a post-nuptial agreement can be drawn up in which he agrees that any children will return with you to your home country at a certain age, even if he does not follow.

I was terrified of ending up divorced in a foreign country and effectively stuck there because it was my children’s country of habitual residence and XWH refused to allow them to move with me. I had a post-nuptial agreement signed which, although not entirely legally binding, would have been persuasive evidence to bring before the court if I had had to fight him on this point. Even so, it was likely that any court case would have taken at least a year to resolve.

I’m sorry you are in this position and I’m sorry if I’m adding another thing to think about onto your plate. Please post if you need us.

The love bombing is the hoovering phase of the abuse cycle. It may be that he has always disrespected women the way he does and thinks they can be bought off with words but sweet nothings are just that - nothing. Actions not words are what you look for now. A tattoo!?! He sounds very immature. I guess he didn’t want to grow up and accept the responsibility of being father and provider, perhaps even resented the provider role, and instead live in perpetual adolescent Lalaland. But you need a man, not a play-boy. Someone who is self aware, not acting out resentments and escapist fantasies. Falling in love is the easy bit, our hormones do that bit to some extent, but standing for love, where love is a verb, actually standing, amidst the dirty nappies and sleepless nights, and not falling, shows the grown man. That man has not shown up yet. I agree about figuring out where is the best place for you and your children to live, with or without him. Regarding the cab driver, who knows about her other ‘clients’? Please get yourself tested for STDs. Read the Healing library and all the posts marked with the target symbol on JFO forum. They’ll help you calm down and focus rationally and practically.

[This message edited by Edie at 2:56 PM, Wednesday, April 3rd]

I've been an ex-pat. I lived in the then sex tourism capital of the world. I tutored a guy who offered women after every lesson; my W was pregnant at the time. I could walk from home to 'coffee shops' that offered hand and blow jobs with the coffee. If I had been single, I'd have availed myself of the opportunities. I was M, so I didn't, but I know the temptation. (I don't regret my choices.)

What sticks out for me is that you seem to be saying your H is an alcoholic. If he is, I don't see how he can become faithful unless he stops drinking. If he's not willing to do that, he seems like a poor bet for the long term.

I agree it looks like he's love-bombing you. Generally, that doesn't last long.

In MC, my strongest recommendation is: be sure to bring up his drinking.

I want to second Sisoons concerns about his drinking.
I would make sobriety a priority for ANY attempt to reconcile.

Look – there are probably a gazillion alcoholics that are still good spouses. There isn’t a direct connection between alcoholism and infidelity. But an alcoholic will always place his addiction above anything else. That’s why we have parents picking junior from daycare smelling like a keg of beer. Here on SI I have seen instances where I suspect the spouse is having an affair to divert the attention from the addiction: I will give up my lover if you let me keep my bottle...

So that would be my priority:
You want me to give you a second chance and even renew our vows... Let’s do it when you celebrate your 18 month sobriety day. We can even do it in your AA meeting, after they hand you the chip.

Another suggestion – but one I make warily and 100% you need strong legal advice on this:
Agree to not divorcing if he’s willing to sign a favorable contract with you just in case you do divorce. I don’t know the law in your area, but this could be anything from selling you his equity in any marital property for a minimal fee, deferred for five years or agreeing on an 80/20 custody arrangement for the next 10 years or whatever. Or maybe a postnup if they are legal in Italy.
In order of fairness I would always have such deals dated – like if you are still married 10 years from now they are no longer valid.

This might give you better peace of mind and help you while you wait for his sobriety to develop.