SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello

I’m so sad to be here, but appreciate the information and support found here.

My partner of 15 years told me last night that he had a one night stand 3 weeks ago whilst drunk.

He came clean after I found antibiotics used for STI’s. Firstly he tried telling me he was using them after going to a strip bar, where his friends started touching each other (but he didn’t get involved) - he was worried that he might have caught something hugging them!!

I didn’t accept this, so later he told me the truth - or the latest version of the truth. At the end of the night he went back to a hotel with a woman for sex. He said that it was a horrible experience.

After he had some strange symptoms and ordered antibiotics to help clear up a potential STI. But he continued sleeping with me.

He says he deeply regrets it and doesn’t understand why he did it. He also says he realises our relationship is over, but apparently the ball’s in my court!

I feel broken. Our life together is broken. I can’t function.

Where do we go from here?

Welcome to SI.

Be prepared for more truth to come out. Hopefully this won't be the case but many times the cheating spouse tells the truth in bits and pieces.

Get yourself tested tested for sti's if you haven't already.

The ball is in your court but what is he doing to fix what he broke?

Take care of yourself.

HUGS

Thank you.

I went for tests this morning.

I have no idea how he thinks I’m going to fix this or how he’s got to thinking it’s now my responsibility. He just looks to me for a solution.

I don’t hold much faith in him putting in the effort. Or if he does, it will be short lived. Our relationship is about 5th in his list of priorities.

So sorry that you find yourself here, and welcome to SI. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that can be very helpful. There are some very good posts with a bullseye icon that are also helpful. Please take the time to read the ones that suggest you recover before thinking about reconciliation. The Healing Library is another resource with a lot of wisdom, and contains the list of acronyms we use.

It's ok to not know what to do - it's a trauma response. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful. My second IC was one, and so much more helpful than my first IC. You can't fix him and it's his responsibility to work on becoming a safe partner for you. We have a saying that the WS (wayward spouse - that's him) heals the WS, the BS (betrayed spouse - that's you) heals the BS, then MC (marriage counseling) may be helpful to heal the relationship. (Even though you aren't married, you have been together long enough that it's similar.)

The ball is in your court because you get to decide whether you want to stay or go. Since you're not married, I would suggest leaving. He's failed the faithful spouse test. Rarely do cheaters come out with the truth right away, and it's very possible that he's lying.

R (reconciliation) is hard work. He needs to prove to you that he can change to be a safe partner.

Cheaters lie. There's a very good chance this is an ongoing affair.

Married men who hang out in strip clubs are a red flag.

That he had symptoms of an std,got himself meds to treat it,yet continued having sex with you is despicable. It shows a blatant lack of care,and love, for you.

It's about time you made yourself the priority.

He is looking to you to just get over it,and stop talking about it.

Save yourself.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:53 PM, Tuesday, March 5th]

Thank you. This is so hard to accept - we have built a life together with a home, plans to look forward to and family and friends.

When you say he needs to do the work to change, the only change I want is to feel safe in this relationship. But he doesn’t understand what I mean by that.

Thankfully he works away so we have time apart. He wants to speak every night so that I can help him. Is it important to keep communicating at this stage? Is it healthy?

It's not your job to fix this (if that is what you want) it's his job. He should be figuring out what to do and how to do it, not asking you. Use your energy on yourself. Go to counseling, read the information on SI and recommended books, exercise post as much as you need to.

I would also suggest you not share this website with him. Many members have had their partners use it against them and regret not keeping as a safe place for themselves.

Pay attention to his actions not his words.

Do not tell your cheating spouse about this site. This is your safe place. Bringing a freshly caught, unremorseful WS here is typically a disaster for their BS. New BS want to believe they're the exception. They're not.

Thank you for your replies. Your words mean a lot.

Right now, I don’t think it’s possible for reconciliation. It’s not what I want. I’ve loved reading over the Positive New Beginnings thread. It’s very encouraging!

I certainly won’t be sharing this site with him. I’m done sharing anything.

I'm so glad you're not going to try reconciling. He sounds like one of those criminals who when caught, first denies, and then tailors every single story afterwards to what the authorities can prove. You don't want to be the marriage police, and you deserve someone who won't lie to and cheat on you. Keep posting!

I’m really struggling. The impact it’s having is immense - I sleep no more than three hours a night, I’m trembling and just feeling so numb.

We’re communicating. Yesterday I mainly screamed.

He’s responding as he should, by taking full responsibility. Apparently he’s going to seek therapy. But we’ll see.

We also have couples therapy booked.

But add to this messed up shit is him worrying that she might be pregnant and we both might have STIs.

This all feels like a terrible nightmare.

I sleep no more than three hours a night

Unfortunately, this is standard fare for this period after disclosure, I hardly slept for 3 days, I had to get so exhausted I couldn't stay awake. It will get better slowly. Avoid alcohol, eat what you can, just do the best you can each day. If it doesn't get better in the next few days, seek professional help.

We also have couples therapy booked.

You might want to slow down on that, you really don't know what you're dealing with, you might be better off going to individual counseling for yourself. Couples counseling is really more focused on people who really want to stay together.

Thank you.

You’re probably right about the couples therapy. I just want to make things better, but that’s his job. I can’t move forward without the facts.

I don’t know what to do about communicating with him. We just seem to be circling now. Thankfully, he’s respectful of my wishes not to come home. But I think our daily calls aren’t serving me well. Last night I just screamed at him. I don’t want to be that person. Should we continue to speak? I just want to say let’s talk when you have the facts.

This all feels so trashy.

I can’t move forward without the facts.

This can be extraordinarily difficult to get. The WS often does not have a solid framework to actually answer the questions from, or even really understand their actions, at least at first, so they engage in minimizing, lies, gaslighting, rewriting the marital history, blame transference, superficial self inspection, and that is just with their IC themselves.

My FWS did this as well. I couldn't understand why she would lie to her counselor. Paraphrasing, what she said boiled down to, "I couldn't bear to let anyone know the truth about my life, or even acknowledge it to myself." This applied to not only the affair, but to her hidden behaviors in our marriage, and a whole lot of stuff that happened before I met her.

The origins of cheating are always much, much, deeper than simple "I was selfish and thinking only of myself".