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A few weeks ago, I was out of town and had a one night stand. I have been married for a long time (over 25 years). I have been faitthful for the entirety of the marriage, engagement, etc. I have never wavered. Over the last several years, I have had desires to be with other women. I have flirted, been active on a cheating site, been in contact with other women, but never taken the step to physical contact. Roughly 6 months ago, I kissed a girl with intent to take it further. Instead, I did not, I got therapy, committed to my marriage, and was feeling really good about our future. Over the last two months, I have slid back into the habit of trying to pursue other women. I never thought I would go through with it.

As stated above, two weeks ago, I was out of town visiting a friend. I went to a strip club by myself. I left with a dancer and committed adultery. No money exchanged or anything like that. It was like a scene from a porn movie. She was 29, gorgeous, etc. After it was done, I felt the regret immediately. Since then, I have gotten back to my therapist. I am not asking for any pity, but it's been hell. Yes I realize that I am not the victim here. I made a huge mistake in so many ways. But sadly, at the end of the day, I cannot say that I trust myself. I know that I liked the physical act, and I feel like I want to do it again. I keep going back and forth, should I tell my wife? She will never trust me again, furthermore, do I want to pursue this lust? Am I willing to blow up my marriage over the need to sleep around?

I know it's not fair to my wife right now. I know that I am not the victim. I know what I did was wrong. I take full responsibility for these acts. But frankly, I am walking around twisted 24x7, trying to act normal. I know what I did was completely selfish. I am just looking for perspective. I am back in therapy, but the reality is that at some point soon, I need to make up my mind if I want to stay with my wife. I need to decide if I want to tell her, which I believe will be the end of our marriage because the trust is broken.

Looking for any feedback.

Thank you.

I am back in therapy, but the reality is that at some point soon, I need to make up my mind if I want to stay with my wife. I need to decide if I want to tell her, which I believe will be the end of our marriage because the trust is broken.

Tell me more about this.

So what would "deciding to be with your wife" look like? If you decide to stay what’s that based on? And does that mean hiding this from her? And if deciding not to be with her- does that still entail not telling her? And the reason for the divorce would be so you could persue other women sexually?

I think you need to think that through a little more. If you get a divorce, then you are going to likely miss and want the comforts of what your marriage provides. If you stay married, you will not be able to go and pursue other women sexually.

I went to therapy and then confessed on my own. But my reasoning was I didn’t see a way of saving the marriage without both of us understanding what has happened and what needs to happen moving forward.

The more you lean into your integrity the more you will come to appreciate it. Without a confession, there is no way to restore it. And I think restoring it is extremely important if you already know you are considering it again.

One of the things that helped me is understanding what I needed from it. It can be complex. I wanted to feel younger, sexier, funnier, more vibrant. I needed to feel that validated in another person. So that way when I went to work on myself I understood I needed to build up my internal validation. I needed to feel good about who I am and what I have to offer.

Maybe for you it’s more of a sexual compulsion. There are still roots to that that can be worked on and shored up. So do you have an inkling of what makes you want to do this?

I think your chances are much better of saving your marriage and working on yourself if you bring it to light. She needs to have a day in what happens next, because the betrayal is already there, it can’t be removed. Trust can be rebuilt but only from a place of honesty. If you stay on the track you are now you are far more likely to keep acting out and eventually getting caught. I feel like coming out now and being honest is probably a much better bet.

I too cheated after a long marriage. For me, it was more for emotional reasons. I did confess and we have worked though it. It’s a terrifying thing to do, to sit down and tell your spouse what you have been up to. But it’s also cathartic, and you can possibly rebuild from a new place.

My personal opinion, and I have walked the walk on this, is that you need to tell your wife to protect her physical health. That was the aspect of cheating that stiffened my spine to confess. By having sex with OM, I opened the door to any number of STIs, and my BH had a right to know that before exposing himself.

Even if you're asymptomatic, that doesn't mean you can't be carrying something. Your AP clearly has a high risk tolerance, given that she went home with someone she just met. If you love your wife at all, you need to put her health and safety above your fear of consequences.

Moving forward with your wife will require that you confess to what you have done. More importantly, you will need to dig into your reason for doing this. Let’s be clear, it didn’t just happen. I mean, look brother, speaking from experience, married men don’t have a lot of business at strip clubs in the first place…I mean, you sure as hell don’t go to them for milk and cookies.

For whatever reason, you choose to go to that establishment and what you need to examine in therapy is why you made that choice. It sounds like from your post that you’ve been headed down this path for a while. There is some evidence suggesting now that waywards are dealing with some sort of pain in their lives and that affairs are a poorly contrived attempt to alleviate that pain by changing who you are. That is not to excuse away our behavior, but to understand that affairs are an outgrowth of an internal desire to escape from the life that is causing them pain. So with that, you really need to examine your life and figure out what you have been unhappy about and why. Obviously, the choice to cheat was not the right response to whatever you have been feeling and going through, but not acknowledging that it is there doesn’t help you either.

From someone who was too much of a coward to tell his BW, and instead let his AP do it for him unwittingly: Please tell her.

HikingOut - Thank you for the amazing response and insights. Yes deciding to stay with my wife as of now would not include telling her of my affair. Yes the reason for the divorce would be to not only be with women sexually but to just meet other people/women. I got married young and did not have many girlfriends. Again, this was my decision, I am not whining, just stating a fact. I keep going back to "why would I tell her". How would that help in anyway, save relieve my own burden?

This statement is spot on for me " I wanted to feel younger, sexier, funnier, more vibrant. I needed to feel that validated in another person." I know that for me, it does revolve around validation and wanting to re-experience some of the youth that I chose not to have. But, do I really want to destroy 25+ years, family, friends, trust, my integrity, etc? I think it is sexual compulsion, combined with the sense that I want some youth back. I want to be able to feel that rush again of meeting someone, etc. But again, I doubt it's worth it in the long run. How did you confess? How did you broach this issue?

BraveSirRobin - thank you for the reply. I did protect and have been tested since the encounter. The woman I had sex with had just been tested (per her words) but I know I can't fully trust that. With that said, I do understand your point.

Bor9455 - thank you for the insightful reply. Yeah, I had an agenda walking into that strip club. I didn't think that would happen, but it did (or I chose for it to happen). As HikingOut pointed out, this is something I have been building up for quite some time. Yes I agree. There are deeper issues than just having sex. I have many thoughts on why this is, probably mainly just wanting to experiement, have fun, and enjoy the chase. But the root of it is that I am missing something in myself. I don't know exactly what that is. I am therapy for it.

SkipThumelue - you're right, I am a coward for this. But what do you mean? I don't understand the AP comment. thanks.

Putting a pin in discussing a moral obligation to tell her for the purposes of salvaging your marriage for just a moment, with an encounter that carries this much risk you have to tell her. There is always risk, but when the AP is a stranger and shows they are willing to engage in risky behavior with you, it’s reasonable to assume she does with others. Even if she doesn’t, the responsible thing is to prepare for the worst and take steps to prevent exposure to your BS. It’s great you’re clear now, but for the next 3-6 months you could still turn up positive with a number of things.

Secondly, until you decided on if you want to move forward with your marriage or a divorce, you should cut off contact with the AP.

stayclassy,

A former EAP that I had sent a NC letter to outed me with an anonymous letter to my wife in May, 2019. My therapist was working with me on getting me to a place where I could self-disclose, but I was dragging my feet due to sheer cowardice.

It was absolutely the wrong way for my BW (or any BS) to find out and I am deeply remorseful to this day.

Please tell her. Self-disclosure is worth so, so much toward both of your healing.

Is there a place I can go to where I can see all these acronyms?

How did any of you broach the subject with your spouse? Did they have a feeling that it was occurring?

One of the biggest issues I am having is that I really don't trust myself. I keep going back to the one girl and want another round in a way. While I regret it, I also have mixed feelings as I am struggling with continued desires.

Go to the healing library and there is a link with the abbreviations .

As an aside, I too got outed by my AP. I agree with self disclosure. There will never be "a good time". It’s just like pulling off a bandaid.

want to be able to feel that rush again of meeting someone, etc. But again, I doubt it's worth it in the long run

.

I think that it sounds like you have gotten bored and complacent with your life. You need to invite excitement into it, but the kind of excitement that is healthy and lights your fire again. New hobbies, invest in your marriage and sex life, start planning a trip to look forward to. Create a life you are so happy and content in, and that wholesomeness will heal your heart. You sound more like you are looking for distractions, which I understand, but the pain it has already brought to your life you probably already understand negates whatever thrill it’s bringing.

You said women/people. Are you bisexual or maybe pansexual? I think that could bring its own hurdles.

How did you confess? How did you broach this issue?

I just sat down and told him kind of the basic things and let him ask questions. It was the hardest, most terrifying thing I have done in my life. But it was also a relief in many ways.

I didn’t beat around the bush, I just started out with something like "I want you to know that what I am about to tell you I am doing so with the hope we can work through this. I had an affair, with a man named —-, I know him from —-, it’s over, and I am so sorry I did this. I know you realize I have been in therapy the past couple months and this is why. I need to figure out how or why I would do such a terrible thing"

And then it was a back and forth discussion. I committed to be honest about everything because it was my goal to build trust from that point forward. Any further lying would have completely negated the reason for the confession.

I can tell you this, looking at your spouses crumpled face, knowing what you have done causes that will also throw cold water in all this really quick for you. A lot of this is just in the fantasy phase but it has real life consequences for more than just you.

A few weeks ago, I was out of town and had a one night stand. I have been married for a long time (over 25 years). I have been faitthful for the entirety of the marriage, engagement, etc. I have never wavered.

At some point you're going to have to be honest with yourself - because "over the last few years I've been cheating on my wife" isn't faithful for the entirety of your marriage.

Yes I realize that I am not the victim here. I made a huge mistake in so many ways. But sadly, at the end of the day, I cannot say that I trust myself. I know that I liked the physical act, and I feel like I want to do it again. I keep going back and forth, should I tell my wife? She will never trust me again, furthermore, do I want to pursue this lust? Am I willing to blow up my marriage over the need to sleep around?

There's a lot of "me", "me", "me" in your writing; not a lot of care about your wife or children (if you have any).

am back in therapy, but the reality is that at some point soon, I need to make up my mind if I want to stay with my wife. I need to decide if I want to tell her, which I believe will be the end of our marriage because the trust is broken.

You like control (whether you realize this or not). If you want a healthy relationship you're going to have to learn to let go of that and be honest. Manipulating other people is not a very nice thing to do. What exactly are you working on with your therapist in regards to yourself?

Do you really need an online anonymous forum to tell you what to do?

I've had a few people tell me that I am bored. I think it's spot on. I do need to reinvest in both myself and my wife. Besides my therapist and this forum, I have not admitted infidelity to anyone. But my closest friend knows that I have had feelings to "live the single life". He said the same thing about being bored and that I am way more of an extrovert than I thought.

Yes I know many of my references are "I" based. Because I am trying to figure my stuff out. It's not fair to my wife (for what I did) nor to waffle about being with her. That is the definition of selfishness and I need to make a decision. I love and care for my wife. My action does not reflect that, but it's true. I respect her and want whats best for her. I know I have sinned and I alone made a decision to do that.

I am definitely not bi-sexual, no attraction at all to the same sex.

ForgettableDad - I have not been cheating on my wife for years. Yes I have (for the last 2-3 years) entertained the possibility, but actual infidelity only occurred one time. I am not saying that I should be applauded, but just setting the record straight.

Does any man (or woman) on here have a desire to relive their youth a bit? I mean, sometimes I think that's part of the issue. I'm at that age where I am going to mid-life and it's hitting me hard for some reason.

I have not been cheating on my wife for years. Yes I have (for the last 2-3 years) entertained the possibility, but actual infidelity only occurred one time.

Don't fool yourself. Assuming that your wife didn't know about this behavior or agree to it, this is all cheating, too:

I have flirted, been active on a cheating site, been in contact with other women, but never taken the step to physical contact.

What sacred souls said. This is an ongoing behavior and not treating it as such in therapy, in your mind, in your confession…you have been slowly expending energy on something that is destroying your life.

I am seven years out from my affair. In that time it boggles my mind how many genuine things I missed out on, how much happiness, love, enjoyment, because of my actions. How much of those same things I stole from my husband.

Over the weekend, we had a lot of time with a couple of our kids who came to visit. As I sat in the couch with my husband, and soaked in the laughter and family time, I thought "man, I almost missed this memory. I don’t want a life without THiS” I think that a lot these days. Every single day really does have magic in it when you put all your energy into that investment. Learn to appreciate what you have, don’t piss it away.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:56 PM, Monday, March 11th]

How would that help in anyway, save relieve my own burden?

Stayclassy,

I don't have the wisdom of years of experience post affair that many of the wise posters on here do. My affair ended and discovery happened almost 4 months ago for me so I'm very much in the beginning stage. However, this phrase jumped out at me because this is exactly what I used to justify not telling my husband for eight months. I had surrounded myself with enablers and yesmen for "friends" so no one gave me the advice that I needed and now wish they had. I'm going to talk to you like I wish a friend had talked to me then: with frankness.

The time to protect your wife from your betrayal came and went years ago when your desires to be with other women first appeared. You didn't do anything wrong in having those desires. They came up completely unbidden, outside of your control, at least initially. How you reacted to them matters though. You didn't tell your wife about your desires, and not a "let's open up the marriage" talk but as a way to share something intimate and personal. It could have also brought you together. Also, when these fantasies came in you mind - which isn't your fault - did you actively indulge them? We don't have to try to control our thoughts or make them go away, which usually backfires anyway, but actively fantasizing about stepping out of your marriage and keeping that from your wife is courting danger.

The betrayal has happened. Every second that you lie is another betrayal. Your wife is waking up every day and choosing not only to be married to you, but to love and care for you under the delusion that you are a loyal spouse who wouldn't cheat on her. She is consenting to physical acts and affection under the belief neither of you are sharing this and there's no risk of disease. [Bold]Your wife cannot knowingly and willing consent to sex with this lie between you. And if you just stop physical contact without telling her, she's going to be devastated and wondering what's wrong with her that you don't find her attractive anymore. If you divorce her without telling her the truth, she's going to wonder why you just stopped loving her. This is her story too. She has a right to it.

You can protect your wife from future betrayals by telling her. This is especially important as you aren't sure you're done.My "one night stand" (I was too drunk to consent and was raped but tried to rewrite it into something less traumatizing) wouldn't have turned into an affair if I told my husband right away. If any of the times I broke off the affair I had told my husband, it couldn't have continued. Discovery has kept me from going back there. People still manage to cheat after being caught once, but it does make it harder. And maybe seeing how badly this has harmed your wife can provide extra motivation to work through your shit. It has for me. I couldn't know what I was lying to myself about until I came clean about this long series of lies I have told. And you have told. You have been cheating on your wife since the first time you flirted with someone else. That was not innocent.

The truth about this justification is that it allowed me to feel like a good person while I was acting like a really bad person. It sounds so noble and self-sacrificing, and immediately after discovery it did feel a bit like my burden had been lifted and placed on my spouses shoulders. Every day I wish I could erase it from his memory and keep it in mine so I can keep doing the work I need to. But at the end of the day this excuse is a steaming pile of shit. You are not actually keeping your silence to protect your wife, like I wasn't. We were both only protecting our egos from facing the reality of who we are and the extent of the damage that we wrought in our lives.

Once you tell the truth, you can protect YOU, not just your ego. Cheating isn't good for you, as you are all too aware of now. It is hell. YOU deserve to live a life free of that pain, a life of integrity.

So my advice as a fellow fool, tell your wife, the next chance you get. There's always a reason it's not a good time, because there's no time that you can tell her that it will not completely upend her world, but her world has already been upended. It's like you set the house on fire when she's blindfolded and her nose is plugged. She just trying to walk around the burning house and go through her normal life and doesn't get why it's so damned hot. Eventually she's going to get burned. You can take off the blindfold and unplug her nose. She's not going to be happy! You set your house on fire! But now she knows and can deal with reality. Would it be be kind or noble or selfless to leave her in the burning house ignorant to the danger so she can continue to think you're the rational kind of spouse who wouldn't do something as completely stupid and destructive as set the house on fire?

I also want to plug Sex Addicts Anonymous as a resource you want to consult since you describe your desire to sleep around as a "need" to the point where your considering throwing away someone who loved you for 25 years to get more sex. Sex is cheap. You can buy it. True love is not. You can't fake it. You can't buy it, even with sex. I'd at least suggest reading the SAA Green Book and seeing what resonants.

[This message edited by morted at 7:46 PM, Saturday, March 30th]

Accidentally double posted

[This message edited by morted at 8:05 PM, Saturday, March 30th]

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to post replies. As of now, I have not told my wife anything. I am in therapy, we are also in therapy as a couple.

I can understand your position but how can you work on the marriage if she doesn’t know what’s wrong with it?

The reason I am asking that is when the day comes she finds out this is going to add to the betrayal in such a profound way because it’s going to make her wonder why continue therpy if you aren’t going to be honest. Even worse, she is likely to resent being asked to work on her side of the changes which will look like flesh wounds compared to the bullet she will be taking.

This is very ill advised. Therapy for you, understandable. MC under these circumstances? Sorry I don’t see it. I think it adds to the cruelty and betrayal she is already unknowingly living in.

First off, it is good that you have come back. So often we have people come on here and get given excellent advice and they never come back. I assume this is because the advice is that you need to be honest, you need to stop the affair and you need to get your head out of your ass. This is often not the advice a wayward wants to read. It is certainly what we need to read, but so often we're not in a place where we are willing to accept it.

Look, I'm going to be quite brief in this reply. Although I'll address a few points.

- You're in MC (marriage counselling). This is NOT going to work while you're still lying and hiding. Take it from me, I tried this approach. I attended MC while still hiding multiple affairs and was telling lies to counsellor, my BS and to me. If you're not being honest then what are you repairing? What is BS getting from this counselling? Why does she think she is there? Without knowing this there is not chance of REAL recovery. I wasted so much time and money by telling lies and minimising. I still have a lot of work to do in my R. I get the feeling you do feel some remorse for your actions?! Why would you come back here if you did not? If you truly do feel this then you need to get to a place where you can be open and honest. It is the only way forwards or us waywards will remain actively in the affair(s) even if we're no longer with AP.

- It has been pointed out above, but worth mentioning again. You have been unfaithful to you BS more than once and this happened before and after the incident in February. Infidelity is not just sex. Please read How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda J MacDonald. It's a short book and really is infidelity recovery 101. Flirting, kissing, chatrooms etc are all infidelity

- A short one, but avoid using terms like mistake. You knew what you were doing and did so intentionally. Words like mistake are very triggering for a BS.

- Keep reading this forum and take the advise. People here offered me the same advise and I ignored it. VERY much to the detriment of my marriage and our recovery.

- You are going to get people being strong and harsh in their advice. They/we are doing so because we've been there and we too needed to be hit with a lump of 4x2. Getting our of the affair fog or getting your head out of your ass is hard and needs to happen often with a bit of tough love.

Nothing you're told on here by us WS is mean to insult you or said as an attack. Try and keep this in mind.

You are not in a good place, but a place I recognise and a place others recognise too. My advise would be listen and take on board what you're being told.

Also read other posts on here.

Things that every WS needs to know

on this forum is a must read.