I want this community to hold that space.
I understand why you say this. Believe me, I do.
However, it’s impossible that we are all going to honor that one way.
For some people, they only believe you don’t stay with someone once they cheat. They have good intentions, some of them believe R works for others, some think it never works. They don’t don’t want you to feel pain or make any concessions to the ws for one minute longer.
For others, they are in the throes of it and you might get a mix of their pain, uncertainty, but they are showing up giving you support.
Some have reconciled and know it’s possible if two people want it. Some have R’d with ws and got burned and they don’t want you to experience the pain of that.
And most of us will encourage you to look at and focus on your healing.
I could go on and on, but what I do think happens is there are very few that say stop wasting your time in comparison to the vast number of other poster’s messages. I think the truth is probably you felt pressured to make a decision or get a positive result (most bs do this) and the reason those voices are louder to you is because either you knew somewhere they were right, or more than likely they touched on your fears and triggers.
It makes me wonder if you still feel rushed and why? Not an answer for me but for you to think about. You are sensitive to the time frame. There is a lot to be said for what happened in the time you were here that might not have happened if you ended things earlier:
-you explored your Foo and worked on your co-dependency.
-you learned what it is you are looking for and not looking for
-you spent a lot of time in the same house as a family and got your kids 10 percent more raised.
-you learned that you want a different marital and sexual culture and maybe even learned ways you can contribute to that differently.
-you gave it time that you needed
I am sure you could write a lot more things here, and maybe don’t find some of the things I wrote as pluses. My point is you don’t put emphasis on things that people say unless they bother you or trigger you for a reason. Especially people who don’t know you and don’t know your wife.
At any rate, therr is no way to get everyone on the same page because we come here with vastly different experiences and backgrounds. What we always preach is the truth- take what you need and leave the rest.
The truth is if I had my way it wouldn’t be about timelines. It would be removing the focus from any outcome and focusing on individual healing/work. It’s time that is never spent wasted. The outcome will come from the work. I think the time you spent in EMDR started a journey for you and you would not have done that without waiting on the decision. And it might have been that work that helped you decide you deserve more.
And truth is, while you will still have the support from most of us even if you decide you still aren’t ready. You do not need anyone’s permission to take more of your time, less of your time, or for anything else. You are a grown man who can easily ignore things that don’t resonate for you. I have watched you reject many things without internalizing it. Why is the time frame something that you can’t reject? I would propose not because of the people here, but because it resonates for you in some way.
I think it’s a matter of giving yourself the grace. And holding space for yourself. The community is here to bring all our experiences to one place so you have lots of theories, nuggets of healing and the benefit of kind humans listening.
I would bet if I went back (not going to do this) and tallied up all your responses that you have gotten here 75 percent was supportive and helpful, 10 percent was off base, and the remaining 15 would be prompts asking what are you waiting for. And of that 15 percent probably 95 percent of those came from people who didn’t want to see you suffer a minute longer. They are probably divorced, and probably find the life they have happier than before and they want the same for you. Good luck deterring them from trying to help!
So maybe dig into your issue with your time frame, because I think you will find that there is some part of you that feels like you should have been better or stronger somehow. As for those of us who follow and care about your story, we disagree. We give you the grace you won’t give yourself.
[This message edited by hikingout at 6:00 PM, Monday, April 1st]