SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

3 weeks after dday my mom got diagnosed with als, 3 months after that my dad had a heart attack and died. We spent the next 6 months taking care of my mom, then she died. It was rough and I have been a zombie off and on for years. I have started trauma therapy (I never thought of it as trauma that was for war veterans or something)
My question is can or is it possible to really reconcile with someone who has done such a horrible evil thing? I cant get image of her having sex with another man out of my head. The therapist said its possible but I cant see how yet.I dont think divorce would make it go away or would it?

It is possible. But,only if SHE does the work to become a safe partner.

Is she in therapy? What work has she done on herself?

I chose to D, so I can't speak to recovery. The combination of removing the source of my trauma coupled with sufficient time and processing, has completely removed the images from my head. I mean, they are still there if I care to recall them, but are reduced to a series of things that happened rather than triggering memories.

What remains is the irritation of having been betrayed and the consequences for all involved. My EXWW has need reduced to the status of someone I used to know. That has been good for my overall health.

Hope that helps.

I’m a former cop. After about five years in law-enforcement there was this black, grim joke at the station that I was some form of Angel of Death or was cursed because in my short time I had encountered more than many that had been there for decades. I had witnessed suicides, cut down bodies from nooses, burned bodies, bodies found after weeks in the sea, serious road-accidents, held the hand of dying people, crawled under a truck to gather body-parts of a kid, held back parents of dead teenagers, comforted rape victims and domestic abuse victims…
I had also gone through two confrontations where the person I was dealing with made attempts to stab me (still have a slight scar just above my watch-armband), and a 30 minute life-and-death grappling match with a coked-out, steroid pumped giant of a man who left me with bruises in my scalp (from pulling my hair), bite-marks along my foot and both arms, two black eyes, bruises way too close to my family jewels as well as bruises all over my body. Finally subdued him using a choke that has since been banned in most departments…

I also walked in on my fiancé having sex with another man.

About 15 years later, long after I changed career, I realized my trauma-related issues were causing problems in my then-and-ongoing happy marriage. This is not the ex-fiancé, but a woman I met about 2 years after d-day and have now been with for over 30 years. I had trust issues, fear issues, anxiety issues…

I had the sense to seek therapy. Got a great therapist who asked me about what I thought the cause.
I mentioned having seen all those dead people. Seeing parts of humans nobody should be seeing. All the pain and grief. He acknowledged these factors could cause some PTSD.
Then I mentioned the attempts to hurt me – Again cause for PTSD.
Then I mentioned the fight that left me off work for nearly a month - Again cause for PTSD.
But he also went through the coping mechanisms we had as LEO’s. How we dealt with these traumas as they came along.
Then I told him about walking in on my fiancé having sex…

His conclusion: All the experiences I had in law-enforcement… they might explain an occasional bad night. Explained why I was nervous when a child was playing near the road. Even explained my aversion for cauliflower (looks a damned lot like brain…). All this would explain about… 20% of my PTSD.
BUT the MAIN cause for my issues… the infidelity.
This therapist was really good. After less than 6-10 sessions he had me understand the cause, and had taught me ways to cope.

Saved my mental-life.

Not to thread jack but Bigger: your story is incredible. Thank you for sharing. It’s a testament to human resilience and the power of effective therapy.
Advrdr: i hope your therapy helps you get to where you need to be to live a full life.

Infidelity is trauma and a good therapist, along with your hard work, can really help you come to a place where it no longer rules your life.
It doesn’t go away, but it no longer takes over your brain and get in the way of joy, peace, etc.

That said, focus on healing from the trauma. As you process that, I suspect you will decide whether or not your R will survive. It will have a lot to do whether your WS does their work at the same time.

I’m sorry for all you went through— that is a lot in a very short time and the traumas do build up. I also had a pile-up of big things right after DDAY and I understand that you had to just stuff all the trauma down to deal with the family illnesses and deaths. I am glad you are seeking help - it can make a big difference.

Well, do you want to R? If so, that's an important part of the answer.

How did your W act during the awful stress you had to deal with? Did she pull her weight, or more, while helping care for your mom? Was she a big source of support over the loss of your dad? If you didn't want her support, did she really make it available, or did she just offer lip service. Strong support is positive for R; weak support, negative.

Does she answer your questions? Does she still lie? Has she taken responsibility for her behavior? Has she started therapy to get help changing from cheater to good partner?

Often the WS's actions after d-day kill the M, even if the A itself doesn't. D doesn't make the betrayal go away, so you have to deal with recovering from that, no matter what you do. But D does get you away from an unremorseful WS, and an unremorseful WS adds to pain every day.

As to mind movies, consistent remorseful behavior from your W can make them fade, but no one can predict exactly how the future will play out for you. Maybe the A is a deal killer, maybe not. I do believe you'll figure it out.

I was able to tame mind movies by letting them play out to the end. My W acted remorsefully from the beginning, and she pretty clearly enjoyed sex with me, so reality pretty much overcame the mind movies. If your experience is different, you may have a sign that R isn't for you; if it's similar, it may be a sign R is for you.

My wife has started therapy,she was the primary care giver to my mom during her final months I was a walking zombie trying to keep my business running. She has done everything I ask,she cries and says she's feels horrible for whats she has done.
I've looked for things that WS's do and she doesn't do any of thrm. She hs admitted all responsibility is hers and answers every question I ask.I just cant get the mind movie to stop. My therapist said she doesn't think a divorce would stop these thoughts that keep coming back. I want to save my marriage but this battle has exhausted me and it feels like its killing me from the inside out.

Advrdr

Note one thing in my post above:
The infidelity was in a PAST relationship, over 15 years BEFORE it nearly wrecked my still-ongoing marriage.
My present (and hopefully only) wife has not cheated on me, she did not cause the infidelity trauma.

YET IT NEARLY WRECKED THIS MARRIAGE

That’s because I took one thing along from the infidelity-impacted relationship into this new one – ME.

Irrespecive of if you divorce or reconcile… Heal YOU.

BTW – based on what you share I do think you two do have a good shot at reconciling. Just remember that a marriage can never be better or healthier than the two people in it.

Thanks for that, I desperately want it to work, when I'm with her and see the amount of bitterness and meaness that I have thrown her way she begs me not to leave.
Its the quiet times when my minds goes off the rails.

ADVRDR

You have had to face a lot. Obviously the trauma is quite real. It may also be linked, where one traumatic event becomes subconsciously connected to another. Hopefully your therapist is a trauma specialist. One thing to look into is EMDR therapy. It seems it doesn't work for everyone but it definitely works for some. The goal is to refocus the experience so you process it differently. That sounds like an important step on your journey.

Edited for spelling errors.

[This message edited by Lostinmarriage at 11:15 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

Kudos to you for starting therapy. I think it will help you. If the method your therapist uses doesn't work try another therapist. There are several methods to deal with the trauma.

Much like "Bigger", I too was a first responder (fire&rescue). At the tender age of 19 I had to put a 4yr old boy in a body bag burned beyond recognition. I saw that boy every night for a long long time. This was the first of many horrific situations I experienced,several of which were before I was married. At that time you just stuffed things down, didn't talk much. Nowadays counseling is given to responders right away.

My wife confessed to cheating on me with her boss. That night, the days and weeks that followed were immeasurably worse than the other traumas combined. I didn't seek out a therapist for several years and when I did it was a disaster. I went to a marriage counselor thinking my wife may be cheating again. He did't think anything of me flooding and hardly able to speak. Just gave advice on how to communicate. My wife and I stayed together and had children, all grown now. Once the family setting was in place my traumas faded to a degree. Triggers still happened, bad a times but not every day.

Fast forward to a year ago, I learn my daughter is a victim of infidelity. I froze just listening and looked at my wife, fearing she told our story. We have never discussed our situation with anyone. At the same time I just retired, going through some medical issues and learn this. The trauma was just as intense as in the beginning. Lesson here is dont rug sweep, fix yourself first. Decide what to do later with your marraige.

I said to myself not again will I endure this alone. I sought counsel, this time with someone specializing in infidelity trauma. It has helped me a lot. We are using Cognitive Behavior Therapy. My advice to you is focus on your healing with the help of a good trauma therapist experienced with infidelity. Your wife seems to be doing good things and working in your best interest. As you progress she will see changes in you. I encourage her to speak with your counselor sharing her observation.

good luck to you.

Congrats on beginning therapy.

You should find some clarity and peace soon.