SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Im sorry if i make any mistake since english is not my first language, and ill try not writing a giant text but a background is needed. My wife (28y) and i (27) are together for five years, 2 of which is a marriage, no Kids .

Before i talk about The cheating i need to give a bit of background. When i met her, she was already out of The jeovah witness congregation for almost 3 years (she spent 13 years inside), and she left because she wanted a sexual relationship with a persona before marriage (understandable, shes a human with needs BUT is prohibited in The religion). This triggered a painful separation which caused a even more painful separation from her sisters. They coulndt interact, talk and be like it was.

She always had some down moments because of this, and she explained to me very early when we met what happened and such. I always tried to cheer and give a shoulder to cry since despiste not liking The situation (The rules from The religion) i have support.

Now, 1 month ago we started some attrition and discussion on The marriage because she wants to go back to The to the congregation. I didnt want this set of rules for my marriage, but we started to talk about, how she woukd be closer to her sisters (and i know despite being a husband ill never be able to substitute them, and i never tried). And them it happens. Maybe moved by guilt and remorse, and by her own words "i cant convive with myself if i dont tell you this because you deserve the truth from me".

2 days ago She told me she had sex with a person she met 1 month before marriage, and regreted deeply but coulndt bring this to me at the time. Im still lost and broken. The person that i loved and cared, the person that i never doubted was able to do this to me. I never gave her doubts of my trust , but she did this, and i dont know what i feel.im a most rational person, and even them i cried so much.

After she confessed i went to sleep on my Mother, and she went to a Sister. I told one very close friend and my Mother, since i dont know what to do yet and needed advice. She told her Sister (the Sister from the congregation, her twin that was separated for years after she left. My first initial thought was to D, since i always had some limits on cheating but i feel like a marriage change a person, i still Love her very much, shes the Love of my life and i feel that the 2 years of marriage were genuine, that she tried really Hard despite doing this.

On that night i cried a lot, like i never cried, like i said im a pretty rational and not very emotional person, but it hit me like a truck. I also read a lot, and i discovered this amazing community. Is very Hard for me to type this, but im kinda lost and still broken

I agree to have a talk to her, since i feel that she needs to know what i feel and what she caused in me. Im the morning we met at out apartment (rent). I talked for hours, i said to her that that what um feeling is the physical pain equivalent of being stabbed on the Back right in the heart. She keeps saying shes deeply sorry, she regrets what she did and the pain she caused to me.

And like i said, i change too through the years. I dont know yet if in the future ill want R or D, but know im in a process of understanding and acceptance, which im suffering and see if i can one day forgive her. I say that i Love her but i dont know if is the image of the person that i think she was, or the person she tried to be om marriage.

In this talk i tried to use some stuff i read here, and i already demanded 3 i wants, one being the whole truth, the other a STI test and the third IC for her and for me. She accepted all without resistance

Yesterday during the talk she answered every question i asked, even some harsh truths. I dont know if she tried to tricke truth at some point but after saying that was 1 time she admitted that it was 2 times on a week, but she regretted and cut all contact with him since Then. I can feel that her words were genuine, like some of posts said that only the other part Will know if is True or not. Some questions i repeated until i was satisfied, and she answered all of them. It hurt, a lot, but i wanted to know the truth, even if it hurts. It was better because of the mind movies that i had on the first night. She said the person was a driver of a car that does paid transportation, kinda like the bus route. But she confirmed and reaffirmed she cut contact, blocked and evrything after she regreted (i feel truth from this)

The STI exam was another demand, and she tried doing yesterday but is a extended holyday where we Live (zhe tried public medical clínics, we dont have that much money for constant paid care). One thing im kinda "secure" is that she always had regular visists in womans doctor (forgot english Word). She aleays had blood tests and exames because of a genetic problem her mom also had and i always saw the medical exams and was clean, with the most recent being 2 months ago. BUT, i still demanded this and she sai Will do as soon as is possible.

The third is IC. She always had a weaker emotional balance. She did Ic before, because of the stuff with her Sisters and religion. It it is also for me, despiste crying i feel like im apathic. Some times i cry, some times i stay in silence, i dont the if it still didnt hit me "properly" or if my rational side keeps things glued. But i demanded IC for me and for her, i need professional help dealing with this and i need the while "why" properly from her. She told me it was a momento of confusion/weakness (kinda scripted) but she told it was only physical, not emotional, and deeoly regretted doing and betraying my trust.

Yesterday we stayed "together" on the apartament, since i work home office, we dont have much money for moving stuff around and i feel that if each one goes to another house itll be worse. I dont know if is necessarily right, but it was what i felt. We are barelly speaking, im following the advice of no physical contact, and yesterday was painful that we slept another night separed. She gave the room from her own and slept on the couch.

She keeps saying all that stuff that she regrets, that she should Never did this. She says that im the Best thing that happened to her and she betrayed my trust, and she'll have to Live with this her e tire life. I can feel that her words and suffering are genuine, and despiste being half guilt and half wanting to tell the truth despite hurting me and marriage, she wanted to come clean. I can feel she said the whole truth (i pressioned on some questions, and she admitted on her own. I even pressed Hard after she admitted, but she answered all)

I asked for some days of distance, acting only in a civilized way to maintain the house in a proper way. She agreed with all my points. I dont know if im a bit "relaxed to much", if i have to be more harsh but she always crimes when see me, say shes sorry and such, but respects when i want to be alone and in silence. She understood that this is not a R tentative, but is me still trying to absorb and understand all this. Like i said to her, she had 2 years to think and regret, but she confessed only 2 days ago.

Im still lost, broken, some times i cry but i dont know what to feel.im not a violent and angry person, and i know that ill be able to forgive her one day, and only after that day ill be able to make the decision of a R or D. She said she Will respect the time i need to this and Will follow other "i want" from me if they appear.

I dont feel the necessity of bringing this to rest of fsmily and friends, i know about rug sweeping but we were always more reserve on the relashionship, and i already told my mother and my closer friend to help me at this point.

Like i said, im still broken and lost, i dont know how to feel properly, im still trying to understand it all and i feel that at least she is being respectful of my choices and needs. Maybe her conscience speaked loudrr because she wants to come Back to congregation too, but i see that her words are being True. I said to her that her words need to br matched with actions, and ill ser how it goes from now. She said that since the marriage she never thought doing this anymore, that tried making genuine moments on marriage and such

I dont know if im doing anything wrong, im trying to follow some sdvices i read here and trying to think and digest. Im sorry for this wall of text and forgive me if is confusing. I appreciate this community and what you do to help other. Is difficult for me to ask help, but i feel that i need some help

From a person that dont know what to feel, thank you.

[This message edited by brokenandlost1 at 11:25 PM, Friday, March 29th]

So sorry that you're here and that you're hurting. The STI testing and IC requests are good starting points. I hope you are able to start IC soon, too.

From a person that don't know what to feel, thank you.

This is normal, and it's ok. It takes years to heal from infidelity, so be very kind to yourself right now. Your emotions will be all over the place. We call it an emotional rollercoaster. It's your body's response to the trauma.

This is a good time to think about what you really want, and you can take time to figure it out.

Be sure to take care of you. Rest, drink water, and be sure to eat even if it's a protein shake.

There are some articles in the Healing Library that you might find helpful, as well as the posts that are pinned at the top of the forum.

Leafields i tried replying but is Hard on phone. I appreciate your kind words to me and im glad to know that i took some right steps at the moment.

A bit of update:

She told me today that she understands that what she did was not simply a mistake and it was a choice, a choice that hurt. On her own will she said that she Will give me her location when she needs to work, even if i didnt asked first(one good thing is that this stuff dont have relation with work, and she said that she would have left if it was).

I know that her words are sincere and i can see the truth on them, and i know that this gestures show a lot.

Im still trying to not maintain physical contact, which is still Hard and painful, but ill endure for this duration.

She understood that Will be unfair for her and she will endure the situation and respect my boundaries and wishes.

I still dont know how to react or feel, im not even crying or "feeling" anything, but i know that with IC ill probably be able to understand better. I hope to start next week, since is a holyday with weekend now.

Im trying to eat when i can and drink lots of water, and im taking some walks during the day too.

I read some articles on healing library already, which helped me on how to act, how to make my "i wants" and boundaries.

I appreciate any other advice you or other guide have, and i thank you for your time and attention.

Ill keep reading this Post everyday if New replies appear, and ill update when possible.

[This message edited by brokenandlost1 at 11:42 PM, Friday, March 29th]

It's a holiday weekend, so replies may be slow.

Your feelings or lack of feeling is normal for a betrayed spouse. The trauma that infidelity does to your body and mind is terrible. The situation you're in is abnormal, which doesn't help.

Trust, once broken, takes a long time to restore, and you may never get to 100%. You're right to watch her actions because she's already shown you her words don't mean much.

Hang in there. It does get better with healing and time.

Brokenandlost1

This site is non-religious as such. We allow religious talk within a tight, respectful window, and come down hard on what might be seen as judgmental or disrespectful towards any or a specific religion.
You have NOT broken that rule in any way. Its more that I fear I might be dancing VERY CLOSE to that line.

You mention a certain religious group. Many of the groups that follow that belief also tend to shun those that leave their fold. You also mention your age, the years your WW was in that sect, so we can deduct she started young, at a very important age of development. I’m even guessing it was a parent decision rather than she and her sisters signed up as adolescents.
In closed sects that belief they alone are right and everyone else wrong the sect can become the most important social factor in the members lives.

I give your WW credit for realizing this isn’t what she wanted. I think the reason given though is relatively shallow (have sex), but think there might have been other more compelling reasons. It takes immense bravery to leave EVERYTHING behind.

As a husband then no – you can’t replace her sister. But in a healthy marriage YOU are her best friend, just as she is yours. You and the marriage have a higher value than her sister. For your wife to go back to the sect solely to interact with her sister… a big no-no. Its just as shallow a reason as to leave to have sex.
If she wants back… It should be because she believes the theology – the religion – the sect preaches.

I can tell you here and now that if SHE goes back, and YOU don’t want into that sect… Your marriage is doomed.

Nothing I have said or will say will "forgive" her decision to have an affair. What I might be able to do is give an explanation of why your wife is so mixed up, and thereby possibly find a tool to help her heal.
Just keep in mind that it doesn’t mean you HAVE TO reconcile or HAVE TO divorce. D or R are options you can chose from for whatever reason YOU have.

This is what I would focus on:
She needs IC that has experience in dealing with those that leave cults.
That IC can also lead her to understand what she did regarding the infidelity. But the KEY is to break the ties with the cult. If she later on decides that after soul-searching that THAT particular religion is correct and her path to salvation then you two can deal with that at that time. For now it’s more important that she breaks free of the cult-mentality, and with that is healthier to deal with the infidelity mentality.

Hey Bigger, thank you for your words, and now that i'm on my pc i can type and quote better. I feel that some explanation is better to show all the aspects of this.

You have NOT broken that rule in any way. Its more that I fear I might be dancing VERY CLOSE to that line.

I looked that religion and politics (off limits here) are hard, but i felt that the religion aspect is needed to a better understanding. I'm not a religious person myself, despite growing up on a kinda religious family, but i respect all religions, even if i dont agree with some ideals or rules. I hope i don't break any rules by explaining this and is not my intention to disrespect the faith of any person, including others from this religion i specified.

You also mention your age, the years your WW was in that sect, so we can deduct she started young, at a very important age of development. I’m even guessing it was a parent decision rather than she and her sisters signed up as adolescents.

In closed sects that belief they alone are right and everyone else wrong the sect can become the most important social factor in the members lives.

She indeed started kinda young (12y), she and her twin sister were initiated by an older sister, and her parents are not involved. She spent some significant time 10+ years, and i completely agree with you that in this type of closed religion they believe they are right and others wrong.

As a husband then no – you can’t replace her sister. But in a healthy marriage YOU are her best friend, just as she is yours. You and the marriage have a higher value than her sister. For your wife to go back to the sect solely to interact with her sister… a big no-no. Its just as shallow a reason as to leave to have sex.

If she wants back… It should be because she believes the theology – the religion – the sect preaches.

I can tell you here and now that if SHE goes back, and YOU don’t want into that sect… Your marriage is doomed.

Again, i completely agree with what you said about replacing. I said to her that the moment we married she was my higher priority, and im was her higher priority. But this is the point that i felt i lacked a proper explanation. Even when we were dating (years before affair), she expressed the thoughts that she wanted to go back, since yeah, she would be closer to her sisters but she always said that she felt good there, that was a good place for her, and was painful leaving (she felt that she sin was heavy to bear while inside).

This kinda stuff always came along on our discussions, since i'm not a religious person and i'd probably would not marry her if she was still inside when we met. But i know that a marriage change people, and before she told me about the affair we were having talks about she going back. Maybe her in consciouness and faith she felt the need of truth, even with the need of guilt and remorse. This is one of the points that i'm still reflecting upon, but i felt the need to explain properly that is not only because of her sisters, since she expressed those wishes and thoughts through some time already.

Nothing I have said or will say will "forgive" her decision to have an affair. What I might be able to do is give an explanation of why your wife is so mixed up, and thereby possibly find a tool to help her heal.

Just keep in mind that it doesn’t mean you HAVE TO reconcile or HAVE TO divorce. D or R are options you can chose from for whatever reason YOU have.

I appreciate all your points in this. And i feel that the only reason i didnt simply "finished all now" was because i changed as a person, i know that deep inside i still love her despite being hurt and the time of marriage. I told her that now is NOT a time of R, and she is trying to manage her expectations on this point while respecting my time and space.

She needs IC that has experience in dealing with those that leave cults.

That IC can also lead her to understand what she did regarding the infidelity. But the KEY is to break the ties with the cult. If she later on decides that after soul-searching that THAT particular religion is correct and her path to salvation then you two can deal with that at that time. For now it’s more important that she breaks free of the cult-mentality, and with that is healthier to deal with the infidelity mentality.

We are already looking for IC, probably starting already on monday. She was able to admit that she also needs this to search the proper why, since she admitted the choice at the moment, but i'm always saying that her words need to be follow by actions. In IC i'll probably be able to express better on my feelings and how i feel, while also dealing with the whole religion stuff.

One thing that i also believe is what leafields said that i need to watch her actions, since her words didnt mean before. For now she is being respecful of my boundaries, agreed without any complains on all the "i wants" i demanded. We are still on minimal physical contact (no hugging, no affection and sex), and i can see that despite being hard she is at least respecting this. She understood that will be unfair for her, but since she said that she don't wanna give up despite bringing the truth at the risk of marriage, i can feel a bit confortable giving space for her to PROVE her words with actions, but not trust. Trust is a talk for another time.

Again, i'm sorry if i made any mistake and you guys can correct me on the rules of the community, and thank you again for making yourself available for replying and reading my texts. And i apologize if some coherency is lacking at some points of the text since is not my primary language.

[This message edited by brokenandlost1 at 10:24 PM, Saturday, March 30th]

Broken and Lost. I am sorry for Your pain. It appears you are doing the right thing and getting good advice here.

One question. Do you know if the person she cheated with his married or has A partner? If so, at some point that person will need to be told about the affair.

Hopefully you can find out without your wife reaching out to her Affair Partner (AP) as it is important she maintains no contact with him.

Who was he. Was it someone she knew well? Did any of her family know him? Hopefully they didn’t encourage her to do this.

I wish you well in your healing.

I went through something similar to your situation. But mine cheated on me throughout our 32 marriage, up to his deathbed. His death is when the betrayals ended.
He always told me that he could never cheat on me. Well, he lied. He only outwardly admitted to one time. But he in a round about way he told me that there were actually 10 other women. Some longterm affairs, some one nighters. I never thought I would be in this situation. I thought we were happy in a happy and content marriage. I was very wrong.
I can pretty much look back and remember who all of these women were, and I believe there were a few more. He would talk about them. And talked about how others were having sex with them. Or how loose they were. Or could he give his loose coworker a ride home from work because her car didn't start. Or would I mind if he worked out with another coworker whose track record wasn't the best. It just went on and on.
I was so lost that I believed his words that he was faithful to me and that he loved me. He broke my heart into a million pieces.
It's been 4 years now since his death and I still struggle. It isn't something that we ever really heal from. The pain of the lies, the betrayals, the manipulations, the disrespectful behavior never goes away. The hurt will stay with me forever. At least this has been my experience. The pain has shifted but it is still there. His abuse did a number on me. His abuse cast a shadow over our lives and now mine as well.
If I could do things over again knowing what I know now, with the first indication of his cheating I would have fought for my rights to walk away.
Most cheaters, and this is my opinion, don't ever recover. I think they are deeply troubled human beings. And I feel like if they do, we will always be looking over our shoulder for the next time they decided to sneak around behind our backs and act out. This is just who they are. Something in their biology.
I also loved my late husband deeply. I think most of us love our cheating, lying, deceptive spouses, otherwise we wouldn't want to work things out. Some betrayed spouses walk away, while some stay to try and make things right again. I stayed and it was a horrible decision because I paid a huge price with my mental health. I felt extremely unsafe with him and that should have been a warning.
Those red flags are there for a reason. Years ago, I ignored my gut feeling that something was off and instead stuck my head in the sand because I was afraid of stepping out into the unknown.
Today I am very aware of my surroundings but a paid for this. And my expectations are very high now. I wouldn't allow myself to get intangled in such sickness again. It isn't worth it to risk ourselves emotionally or physically. Something for you to think about too.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:00 PM, Monday, April 1st]

Hey Stevesn thank you for your kind words and help on this situation, maybe i'll repeat myself a bit on this text but coherency on a language that is not my main one is a bit hard at this moment.

One question. Do you know if the person she cheated with his married or has A partner? If so, at some point that person will need to be told about the affair.

When she admitted that this happened 2 years ago, she said that she immediately regreted and cut all contact with this person. I also asked this to her but she said she didn't know if he had someone, since was someone she met and did the act. I questioned her a lot on this point, and if she had even a bit of contact you can be sure that i would try to know if this person has a partner and enter in contact too.

Who was he. Was it someone she knew well? Did any of her family know him? Hopefully they didn’t encourage her to do this.

From her confessions she didn't knew the person, nor is connected to anyone we know, and when i asked this and if he was married/had someone i pressed hard, asking several times until i felt that it was the truth. I can feel that her remorse is genuine and that she didnt maintained contact with him after this happened. But of course i'm always trying to follow leafields advice, waiting for proof on her actions and sometimes i keep asking this. Even if she is hurting she understood that is something i need, and it looks like she is following what i need and demanded. Naturally i'll wait until we both go through IC to see things better and deal with my emotions and how i feel, and I still want the complete "why", which she admitted that she wants to find this properly too.

I appreciate your concern in all this, and i guarantee that was one of the 3 main "i wants" that i demanded, the truth. I can kinda feel the truth from her words because like i said, even if a part of the confession was motivated by regret and guilt, she says that she regreted doing this on my back and needed to tell the truth, even at the cost of end of marriage a D. I see in many posts that only the other person will know exactly if the person is saying the truth or not, and i can feel some authenticy on her answers, even when i pressed and asked some of them again and again.

Maybe i'm being soft? Maybe i want to "already" forgive the person that i know deeply i still love, despite all the pain?. But i know that i'll endure my best on this process and keep with what i decided. She is helping a bit respecting my demands, personal space and time, while not trying to argument or defend herself, admitting what she did and never trying to blame me and marriage. But at this point? Baby steps, IC and time.

sorry for being repetitive, i'm still thinking a lot and i appreciate your kind words and concern with the point you said.

Hurtmyheart i saw your message now that i finished other reply, i'm so sorry that you had to go through all this, and from a betrayed spouse to another i can say that i understand your feelings. For me is something new, raw and still very painful. At this point i was pretty direct and she understood that this is not an R tentative, but a process needed for my healing and only after some time i will be able to properly understand what i will need at that time.

It breaks my heart to see how you were treated by your spouse, and it hurts reading that another person had to suffer this. I always did my best, never gave her motives to doubt me and always did my part to honor the marriage.

I thought we were happy in a happy and content marriage. I was very wrong.

What hurts me is that i can feel the authenticity on her words. But i'm not absorving them blindly too. I'll work with what she is giving me, and i'm demanding from her. I hope that my case is not a case where she is still hiding stuff, because she KNOWS that any kind of trickle truth is the complete end at this point.

Most cheaters, and this is my opinion, don't ever recover.

I do agree with you, hence why i still dont know how it'll be in the future. I dont trust her yet, but i know that i can see the positive signs of answering what i need, respecting my wishes and demands, don't create expectations on a return of how things where. And i see at this point why you had your time writing your text to me.

I also loved my late husband deeply. I think most of us love our cheating, lying, deceptive spouses, otherwise we wouldn't want to work things out. Some betrayed spouses walk away, while some stay to try and make things right again. I stayed and it was a horrible decision because I paid a huge price with my mental health. I felt extremely unsafe with him and that should have been a warning.

I can understand everything you say at this point. I'm trying to not think on R or D at this point, but i know that even on a possible R if i do not feel safe i will jump out. I'm so sorry you had to go through this on your life, i can see from your text that you have more age than me (more time in a marriage than i have of life), and i will always consider other opinions and points of view, specially someone with an unfortunate expecienre on this.

If I could do things over again knowing what I know now, with the first indication of his cheating I would have fought for my rights to walk away.

I explicitly said that had i know at the moment, it would be over instantly. But this is where i kinda repeats myself too. I changed, marriage changed me, and from what she said when she regretted doing this before marriage she always tried to keep a happy marriage, and in this point i can say that she never acted wrong on me during marriage. She KNOWS that at this point the love that i still feel and the marriage is the only thing that still keeps me here, and she accepted going through this on her own will. I can only hope that she is being 100% honest, and i too wish that you can heal from what you passed.

Today I am very aware of my surroundings but a paid for this. And my expectations are very high now. I wouldn't allow myself to get intangled in such sickness again. It isn't worth it to risk ourselves emotionally or physically. Something for you to think about too.

I appreciate your food for thought, i'm keeping an eye on her actions now more than ever and again, despite a feeling of truth from her words she still dont have my trust.

[This message edited by brokenandlost1 at 12:52 AM, Sunday, March 31st]

I am sorry this happened to you. It is one of the worst feelings. The one person you thought to be a safe heaven betrayed you. What she did, was definitely wrong.

She sounds seriously about returning to the region she left. The main motive seems to be to reconnect with her family. As part of returning she might have felt she had to confess her A to you to come clean. She could have kept it a secret. Burried it in her grave but she confessed.

Still what she did was wrong, and the worst kind of betrayal. It happened shortly before your marriage so I assume you were engaged.

You can question whether you can forgive her. Whether you can it's entirely up to you. There is no right or wrong here.

One thing to consider, is whether she has more secrets. We're there more questionable events in your marriage? What does your gut feeling say?

If she returned to her old religion, would you be able to live with that?

I think it's a good thing you did some expectation managing, as your WW probably is going through a rollercoaster herself too. Take your time figuring things out.

[This message edited by KindnessHasALimit at 6:36 AM, Monday, April 1st]

i know that deep inside i still love her despite being hurt and the time of marriage

Maybe i want to "already" forgive the person that i know deeply i still love, despite all the pain?.

This is so common and something I warn against.
It’s like you listen to the advice offered by people that have been in your shoes but then think "well… I am different and my situation is different because I LOVE my wife". As if nobody else on this site loved their spouse…

A key to successfully use the advice offered on this site is to realize that when it’s all boiled down you aren’t special. If 9 out of 10 wayward spouses lie on d-day then the chances are 9 out of 10 that your wife does so too. Like the "I don’t know who he is"… I give it a 8 out of 10 for being true, and yes it is an issue. Who knows it might be the guy across the street who talks to her every day. Or not.

Friend – We ALL love our spouses. I still loved my fiancé even after I walked in on her having sex with another man. Probably loved her for a couple of months, but at the same time realized that the correct thing for ME to do in MY situation was to get out.
Your situation can be totally different, and I don’t think those that cheat can’t recover. I think they can, but then need to WANT to recover. That want can only come from inside, from them. But we might be able to create conditions that make them want to change.

I think the cult-recovery IC can be a key factor.
I think she needs to decide if she wants to be in that Church or not.
I think you TWO need to decide if your life-philosophies are comparable.
Once those things are clear you can decide if your marriage has a future – or not.

Like… Ten years from now and your young son needs a blood-transfusion…
Like… She was shunned for leaving the fold. Think she will be instructed to shun you for not joining?

I am not judging the religious sect as such. Their dedication and pacifism and unity is admirable. Just pointing out the obvious that a couple with vast differences in their views on life aren’t really compatible.

KindnessHasaLimit, i appreciate your kind words for me on this situation. Some stuff i already said in general so i'll try to not keep repeating and straying too much.

he sounds seriously about returning to the region she left. The main motive seems to be to reconnect with her family. As part of returning she might have felt she had to confess her A to you to come clean. She could have kept it a secret. Burried it in her grave but she confessed.

I too feel that one of the motives, besides guilt and regret, and on her words also delivering the truth to me because i deserve, is the religion aspect. I can imagine that if she wanted to go back clean is something she would have to confess even at the cost of what we had. I always were an "advocate of truth", so even being hurt in this situation i prefer to know the truth than to be kept in the dark. But as i said on an earlier reply, she also spent more than 12 years there, and i know that there's is an aspect of faith in this situation too. She sometimes expressed her wishes to return and such.

Still what she did was wrong, and the worst kind of betrayal. It happened shortly before your marriage so I assume you were engaged.

Right on point. At least she was able to admit that it was a choice, and not "a mistake, moment of weakness".

You can question whether you can forgive her. Whether you can it's entirely up to you. There is no right or wrong here.

I know that i'm not a person that keeps grudge or hate, and deep down i know that i will be able to forgive her one day. BUT forgive is not the same as "now i can let myself to R".

One thing to consider, is whether she has more secrets. We're there more questionable events in your marriage? What does your gut feeling say?

Yeah. This point is a bit complicated. On various posts and articles i read that only the betrayed person can tell this. One thing i can believe is that she genuinely regretted and tried making her best on marriage. I "squeezed" her hard on the truth when we first talked, and some questions i kept asking until i was satisfied. Again, i dont trust her. But i was able to open space to listen to her, and my gut says that she is saying the truth. Of course i'm taking everything on a grain of salt to protect myself.

If she returned to her old religion, would you be able to live with that?

Probably, i'll talk more about a "possible R case", but i'm a person that i respect spirituality and religion, even if i dont agree with some rules from them. I was a catholic since young but i felt the need to search spirituality on other ways, not religion. I know that faith is important to a lot of people, and i know that in this case some stuff would change. I think that i was already accepting that she wanted to return, i kinda knew that she wanted this already and was a matter of time. But to answer 100% your question i feel is more of a question of time.

I think it's a good thing you did some expectation managing, as your WW probably is going through a rollercoaster herself too. Take your time figuring things out.

I appreciate the points you made in this text. I talked to her really hard on expectation managing so she don't think this is R or if/when i forgive her it'll be the same as black card to "go back with relationship". She is respecting my boundaries, space and silence when i don't want to talk, and is showing genuine remorse. But as some member said on other reply, she went the same case of the person saying it was a ONS but it was not. At this moment I'm looking at all her actions, since her words failed before, and she knows that if she tried to trickle truth me is the complete end.

Thank you for your words and as always, is always good to have good for thought.

Bigger, again, thank you again for some extra points. It's always good to have another point of view because we sometimes get blinded by the love we still feel.

It’s like you listen to the advice offered by people that have been in your shoes but then think "well… I am different and my situation is different because I LOVE my wife". As if nobody else on this site loved their spouse…

I'm quoting one but i'll talk about your first three paragraphs. I'm trying really hard to not let this love take the best of me. I'm still maintaining distance and not physical contact. Sometimes is hard, sometimes i want a hug from her but i'm being strong because i believe is necessary. I understand your words and i swear that i only told on a more "feel" moment. Like you said, "if 9 out of 10 lies on d-day there's 9 out of 10 chances of she lying too", and even if it hurts i agree completely with you on this point. I know that my situation can be different, but i can be realistic to know that is not always the case (on almost all times).

Your situation can be totally different, and I don’t think those that cheat can’t recover. I think they can, but then need to WANT to recover. That want can only come from inside, from them. But we might be able to create conditions that make them want to change.

Yeah, i feel that i have a similar way of thinking. Like i said on previous replies, i can feel that she is showing some genuine remorse and is keeping up with what i asked, even if is unfair and also hard on her. But at the same time i'm trying to protect myself with some stuff that other members said, and know that despite what i told about the "wanting to forgive and such" i can see that is the love talking, so i'm trying not to give in to this.

I think the cult-recovery IC can be a key factor.
I think she needs to decide if she wants to be in that Church or not.
I think you TWO need to decide if your life-philosophies are comparable.
Once those things are clear you can decide if your marriage has a future – or not.

Again, i completely agree. After i understood better that is not only for her sisters, but for her faith too, i can respect her wishes to return. In the end she still were inside for 12 years, and as i said before, i respect faith and religion.
The point of being compatible with marriage is something that needs to be further discussed. I feel that i was already accepting her return, since deep down i felt the she was already wanting to return (reading stuff about the religion, musics and such).

But you can be sure that i agree 100% with your last phrase, this is something that will need to be worked out to be 100% clear.

I can say that i love the points you make, it makes me see things better on another perspective and i appreciate your time and effort on this.

Hey everyone, just wanted to give a bit of an update. She made the STI exam and is all negative (which i already expected because of previous exams, but is still some peace of mind. We both started individual IC and i can feel that is already helping a lot dealing with all the anxiety and pain.

She keeps respecting my wishes and boundaries, which is helping in this process. I feel that now is a matter of time and more IC so i can start healing properly on all this, and only then a proper decision will be made.

I Appreciate the help, attention and kindness of everyone who helped me. And i'll try to update sometimes to say how things are going. Thank you everyone!

Good progress. Keep reading and post if you want.
Be sure to watch her actions, not her words.

Best of luck!

Good progress. Keep reading and post if you want.
Be sure to watch her actions, not her words.

Best of luck!

Always, thank you for your words. For now i can see that her words are being honored by actions, but is a long process and i'll keep an eye on all of this, after all, even if i'm able to open the space for her to prove with actions is not the same as trust being restored. Thank you so much, i'll probably update a bit less until i have more solid ground to walk but i'll keep looking to answer anyone. Cheers!

Bump per request of OP.

Hey everyone, it's me again. I'd like to give an update on my story so i asked for the reopen of the post.

Since my last post (6th April), me and my wife have been doing IC every week and is working great. She still show remorse for what she done, keeps apologizing and doing what she can to makes things better, and i can feel relief on this point because i can feel she wasnt doing just to "keep the marriage".

Of course some days are still awful, but i'm feeling better each day, with less bad thoughts or mental images about the affair. I can say that i still love this woman, and is the thing that kept me here still trying, and she has been working hard to prove the same to me. I started to feel less anxious when she's out for work or out of house in general. My Psychologist is an amazing professional that is helping me a lot.

I told on the story about the religion stuff, and she keeps going regularly, she was accepted back and got back in contact with her sisters. Despite some discussions about this, our daily life wasn't altered much by this, and we already have long talks about this point. I can feel that she wanting to return was genuine, and not only to go back talking with her sisters.

We plan on doing some MC at some point to help at the affair and this point, but i can feel that a reconciliation is a solid possibility at this point (i think we are on the way of this process, and i have less thoughts about ending it all).

She was sharing her location, by her own voliton, until last week, when i felt that i didnt needed that anymore, even if she insisted that wasnt a problem for her. I still have acess to her phone and pc (we have each other passwords for when we need to use each other device).

I can say that she's still working hard to make things better and i appreciate her effort in this. I don't saw signs of trickle truth, tentatives to evade answers or nothing negative that i saw on forum that can be a sign that the person is not being truthfull on the attempt to make things better.

At this point i'm waiting for time to make the work, while we keep making IC. I wasn't able to properly give her a pardon, i feel that i already gave but was not able to materialize it yet, but i'm dealing with this with counselor.

Sorry if the text is lacking, not my first language, but i can complement with more information if needed.

thank you everyone.

Thank you for this positive update.

Your spouse is doing everything possible to make amends and help you heal from this trauma.

Keep reminding yourself of that. When the bad thoughts take over, and they will from time to time, focus on the present and how much your spouse regrets prior choices.