SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

An interesting conversation came up in a forum outside of SI. Essentially I had shared the positive changes in my WH and how I believe them to be genuine, etc … however, despite such efforts I can’t help but throw the disgust and disappointment on him everyday, making him feel the lowest of the low. I had a few people "team up" against me and told me that they would give anything to have their spouse put in that kind of effort and that I should be so "thankful/grateful" I have somebody willing to do that for me.

Made me stop and think for a second … should I be "grateful?" Part of me understands what they are saying (I get it, they are coming from a place of hurt as well). But, I feel like HE is the one that should be "thankful/grateful" that I’m here trying my best to offer him a second chance/chance of reconciliation after what he’s done.

Interested to hear other perspectives on this!

Nope. I really cannot get on board with this whole idea of being grateful for what comes after infidelity - whether it’s framed as positive changes for the WS, a better M, making the BS stronger etc etc.

I mean, I get the thinking and the positive spin people are trying to put on the situation. But you know what, those positive changes could have been brought about in a much less devastating way.

I will never, ever be ‘grateful’ for the pain infidelity has put me (and my children) through. I might he a stronger, more independent, more knowledgeable person than I was pre D-Day…but I would rather have learned those lessons another way.

Nah. People just don’t understand how devastating infidelity truly is or how deep the issues are in a person who will cheat until it happens to them.

I wouldn’t give it any credence.

You are right, it’s him that is lucky.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:39 PM, Wednesday, April 24th]

In my book, this all comes under ‘toxic positivity’.

[This message edited by Perdita1 at 9:46 PM, Wednesday, April 24th]

I am thankful that my WW did the work and turned from infidelity. I don't believe she is owed any kudos for doing the right thing, its the baseline of what is expected. I also did not hold back my feelings or consequences of what she had done, if I felt it, she felt it. I don't think these people understand the emotional roller coaster your WH put you on.

[This message edited by Tanner at 10:10 PM, Wednesday, April 24th]

People say to me that I should feel grateful for (insert whatever). I think to myself "until it happens to you". Then maybe they will understand. In any event I personally think it is harmful and hurtful for people to tell me how to feel.

Nope. Just no.

Thankful/grateful that your spouse is trying to help YOU HEAL after shattering you into tiny pieces?

Nope.

He is the one that should be grateful that you are even offering a chance at R.

Honestly, it might have been easier for me emotionally if my wife had a full on exit affair and there was no chance for R. No muddying the ethical waters.

Um no. It’s the f*cking least they can do.

We went to marriage counselling once after D-Day (decided IC was better at that stage) and after talking about how I will just go off the handle some times and he just takes it and keeps trying to be a better/safe husband the therapist looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘well that is your penance for having the affair’.

My H and I are always telling each other "Thank You" for what we have done for each other . We worked HARD to get where we are TODAY...we couldn't have done it without BOTH of us being ALL IN...and we are so very THANKFUL for where we are NOW. NOW is what counts !!!

YESSS...we can think about the PAST...the Affair...the PAIN...all of the YEARS of dysfunction that brought my H to his decision to have his A and destroy our precious M. But what good would that do to moving forward? WE don't WANT our M where the A is front and center ALL THE TIME.

The A will always be a part of our M...but our M is so much MORE than just the A!! My H told me a long time ago that he was going to have "an attitude of gratitude"...and I LOVED hearing that from him...and I wanted to go right along with that too . Gratefulness is a WONDERFUL feeling...so WHY would we not want to FEEL that?

Gratefulness doesn't have to be just from one person...you BOTH can feel thankful ! One time I told my H, "Thank you for staying". He smiled at me and said, "Thank you for letting me". We now say these phrases often !! We know how CLOSE we came to ending it all. I immediately told my H our M was over as soon as he confessed to his A. Within an hour though we were talking about R...but with ultimatums from me ! We can laugh about it all these years later...but we came very close to losing each other...and we won't ever take that for granted again!

doing the right thing, its the baseline of what is expected

Nuff said!

I won't get, or deserve, any heroism medals for doing the right thing, and my FWS isn't going to get any for having an affair.

Oddly, I DO feel grateful that my husband has worked so hard post-infidelity to help us reconcile. I can’t say I feel grateful for the affair or infidelity, but I’m grateful that he’s tried so hard to rectify it.

I wouldn’t push that on another person, though. I think trying to force people to be grateful when they’re experiencing hardship and pain and devastation can easily veer into toxic positivity/shaming.

Nonetheless, I’ve found gratitude to be a healing force as I try to recover from this insanely deep wound of betrayal. It isn’t so much about me trying to twist myself into being grateful for things that are awful; it’s more about consciously turning my focus to aspects of my life and the world that I’m genuinely thankful for, even when times are hard. I try to accept my hard emotions, but also cultivate good, nurturing ones.

Gratitude for the A? No.

Gratitude for my W's redeeming herself? Mmm...aaay...beee.

Gratitude for food, shelter, clothing, the sun, the moon, companionship, sex, love, life ... you bet.

My perspective changed as time progressed. It continues to change. Whether you D or R, your life can get better. If it does, I suspect you'll feel gratitude. Not now, perhaps, but when you get through this crisis, probably.

No. You should not be thankful or grateful for getting the bare minimum. End of story.

I am actually grateful for the A. I know I’m a minority voice in this. The A and Dday and subsequent false R and heartbreak and non stop drama all helped me really see my Ex for who he is. I think the acceptance of that wouldn’t have happened without a complete stripping away of any veneer of hope. I wish I didn’t need that, I wish I could have seen him clearly before without being put through that absolute hell, but… I apparently did. My therapist speculated that in some ways the A was the best/worst outcome of my M. I think she believes that he might have eventually harmed one of the children in a self-destructive bender. We’ll never know. What I do know is that I’ve been so much happier after ending my marriage. I’m a better mother, I’m a better person, my life and happiness has been restored.

In my case (and I suspect many cases) the A is an outcome of ongoing dysfunction of the WS. Whether they’re conflict avoidant, passive aggressive, delusional, amoral, abusive, selfish and self serving (or a combination of these) they were that person all along. In my case, I just couldn’t see that. But the A really brought that into focus for me. And honestly, I am grateful.

No.

There are ways to heal and grow as a person without nearly destroying someone you profess to love.

I'm with sisoon on this one. To paraphrase his answers Chaos style:

Gratitude for the A? Hell F'ing no!

Gratitude for my WH redeeming himself? His internal change should be for him - not me.

Gratitude for food, shelter, clothing, sparkles, self worth, family, friends, lipgloss, pretty undies, cats, books, wine, coffee, chocolate and anything that gives me pleasure (as long is not illegal, immoral or disease causing) ... absofuckingloutely.

My attitude is my choice. Negativity is far too easy to dwell on and is a cheap attention grab. I choose to see the light in things. I stop to smell the flowers. I enjoy the decadence of a hot black strong cup of coffee and delicious pastry. I will dance in the rain.

My life - my choice - and my happiness is separate and distinct from WH. In fact - some times it is in spite of. Like a lotus bloom from the murk. Or a flower that grew through the pavement cracks.

There is always a negative and a positive. Denying one is not practical. They both exist in life. The one that takes hold and grows is the one you water.

Essentially I had shared the positive changes in my WH and how I believe them to be genuine, etc … however, despite such efforts I can’t help but throw the disgust and disappointment on him everyday, making him feel the lowest of the low.

Aren’t you grateful that he is doing the right thing now? Didn’t you want him to change in a way that he is?

Can you separate the disappointment with what he did then with what he is doing now?

But, I feel like HE is the one that should be "thankful/grateful" that I’m here trying my best to offer him a second chance/chance of reconciliation after what he’s done.

For sure. But…are they mutually exclusive?

You are all amazing. Thank you for the responses. I can appreciate looking at this from different angles.

I definitely am not, nor will ever be grateful for his choice to carry out an A, but I suppose I am grateful he has made the choice to step up for his family and change in ways I never thought was ever possible. I am grateful that he finally sees how much of a selfish asshole he had become and that he was missing out on valuable time and making memories with our young children. Then on the other hand I am extremely ungrateful that he had to shit all over us and betray us in such a despicable way to come to this realization - like some of you mentioned, he could of done this in many less damaging ways. Sigh.

and that I should be so "thankful/grateful" I have somebody willing to do that for me.

Maybe this is a subtle point, but I don’t think you should be grateful for having somebody. But you should be grateful for the good things that that person does. Good meaning they have done something to your benefit.

It’s an interesting topic. I see all the time here, people are hesitant to show gratefulness for things happening now, because they are concerned that it will somehow justify what happened then. That it will make the past be not so bad. The story has a A Happy Ending, so the hard times in the middle chapters are OK. It ties into the idea that people are trying to write some kind of narrative with their lives. They are telling a story.

If you let go of the narrative, however, then you stop dragging the past around with you. What happened in the past sucked, what is happening right now is OK. What is happening right now says nothing about the past. It doesn’t justify it or otherwise. Don’t let the fear of rewriting the past interfere with your happiness in the present. But remember the past when it’s time to plot your course into the future.

I always go back to The Princess Bride and the Dread Pirate Roberts talking to Westley each day, "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

I think this approach works with a WS. Provides hope but no promises. Do it a thousand times (three years) and see where you are at.