SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My STBXH will be moving out June 1st. I was hoping this weekend but this was the compromise we worked out. I feel absolutely no emotions except anger and sadness when he is here. We have 3 kids. Being bubbly and fun feels so fake and I see him turn into "Disney Dad" and it makes me so angry that we couldnt be that person when it mattered, and it feels like such manipulation, especially for our 13 yo daughter.
Where can I find info on the 180. I know how it works generally but I think a more in-depth understanding is needed because I am struggling to maintain any type of positive attitude. Im not in a bad mood but Im just...sad. I know I need to fake it. But today all the sadness just has overwhelmed me. I felt prepared for this moment as I had a feeling something was happening for a while but it still hurts like hell. Hes a stranger. I literally have no idea who he is. how can a person say they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you and SOB to you about how proud they are of you when they were just having phone sex, sexting, and meeting up with another woman. Make it make sense. I was always faithful. I wasnt always the best wife but I blame my intuition for not letting me be the "wife he needed" (and of course thats the reason he found his was back to OW ).
How the hell do I survive living with him for 3 weeks.

I'm sorry to see your recent update. 180 is to detach, turn and go the other way. It sucks you have to see him a few more weeks. You have to stay clear of him and don't let him see you emotional.

Just a guess, but I would be feeling like he was calling all the shots and had once again taken control of making all the big decisions about MY life in this situation. In short, I’d feel powerless at the hands of someone who had never had my best interests at heart.

He told your daughter when you had agreed not to and he knew you didn’t want to rush it.

He’s sitting around your house acting all cheery and supportive of the kids—which is a huge fake, but makes you look like the problem.

He has been spying on you and surveilling you as if you’ve done something wrong all while being a lying, sneaking cheat and acting like YOURE the problem for checking his emails.

In this situation, I would feel like he was in control still—which would be the most unsafe, insecure place in the world for me. I was/am always in my most scary place when my WH has the power to affect any part of my or my kids’ lives.

So, maybe in addition to really practicing the 180, take back some of that control and inform the OBS. Make it your mission. It’s the right thing to do. It will put his attention somewhere else, and it will give another betrayed spouse their own power back too.

He is calling too many shots here. Have you taken half of your accounts and opened your own? Have you changed all your passwords, secured anything that you need access to, shut off all ways that he has to track you? Are you wiping your browser history or using private mode so he has no access to what you’re checking online?

Taking control of these things—along with the 180–will likely begin to make you feel stronger and less jerked around at the end of his rope. Have your kids all been given an age-appropriate explanation of what is happening? Since your daughter knows, please know that you need to address this. My oldest son found out about my WH’s A because he listened at a door. I really didn’t want my younger son’s world to be shattered in the same way, but I can tell you that not telling him was a HUGE and damaging mistake because my WH decided to give him his version without informing me. For months he felt betrayed by me without my knowledge—because my WH told him that I had told his brother but not him and that he had an A because he felt neglected and that I didn’t love him anymore. And the fucker didn’t bother to tell me that he had told my youngest. I found out months later when the damage was done and had been festering for some time. You aren’t protecting the kids by not telling them—you are leaving them vulnerable and in the dark.

You will feel less powerless when you take some of your power back. Right now, he can literally do things however he wants. There is nothing else for him to lose now that you outed him and want a divorce. He is literally free to harm you and your kids however he chooses, and it looks like he is aiming to hurt your relationship with your daughter at the very least.

I know this sucks so much and that you are reeling and trying to protect your kids. The most horrible part of all of this is how impossible protecting them is when this is what their father has chosen to become. You have to be the rock from now on. And being a place they know they can get the truth without manipulation or anger is very, very important now.

Sending you huge hugs of strength and peace.

Do things that make you feel you are driving your own bus and taking steps to remove him from any control in your life.

Could you make lots of plans and activities for you and the kids that don’t include him? Go on day trips or take them away for a while. Do what you can so you’re not stuck at home with him feeling miserable and hopeless. I’d imagine that immediately after he actually leaves you will feel awful, so plan for that and maybe have some family or friends come to stay with you for a bit. I think once the shock wears off you’ll slowly start to feel better and heal. Good luck.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/faq/bs/

The above link for the 180 is found in the Healing Library under FAQ... then under the BS FAQ. There are 33 points in the 180. Here they are:

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Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW.

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I did find a great research paper about the 180 on the internet. It went into all the psychological details about why it can be effective on helping a Betrayed Spouse find their way again and begin to gain back their self esteem. However, I believe it is against the rules here to post outside articles and links.

Good luck to you.

Treat him like an annoying roommate.

No small talk. No hanging out together. Don't ask anything. He lies..nothing good will come from questions.

Don't cook for him. Don't do his laundry. Don't have sex.

He is abusive, so don't take the bait when he tries to instigate an argument.

Focus on you,and the kids. Detach. Do things you want to do.

I know you're worried about the kids. But I think you will be pleasantly surprised to find that the kids will be happier once he's gone. When dad has to have a safe word, to help him calm his rage, kids walk on eggshells.

He will manipulate the kids. But,again, they've grown up with him. They're smart. They'll see through it.

You will be ok. So will they.