I am sorry that sounds like such a painful position for you to be in.
Honestly, some people are so damaged that they can not bear to look at the damage they have caused. It’s ironic that they actually need to learn to quiet the battle in themselves but to do that you must take accountability and change directions. Without going to therapy she isn’t going to learn coping techniques or how to release the past trauma that they have been unable to cope with.
Think of it like emotional hoarding. Go into a hoarders house and try to do one room. Not only is it highly overwhelming for them but they don’t want you to remove anything. They need to hold onto all of it and hide.
This is not your fault. You can’t change it. And if she is unwilling to change it, then you have to find clarity and open space without her. I would try to read codependent no more. Read about detachment. You might not be ready yet to pull the trigger on divorce and that is so understandable. But you can stop being responsible for her and become more focused and responsible for your own relief and happiness. You can’t fight her battles for her and it maybe untenable for you to watch her succumb to battles within herself, unwilling to fight.
That’s truly good advice that your therapist is giving you. Applying it may take many steps and you may need to ask more questions to get clarity over techniques they might be able to recommend.
This is from my ws days but I think it’s universal for a lot of people:
She told me to separate my coulds and shoulds. So for a while I was to not do any of my coulds. Shoulds are things that are required - I should go to work, I should make food to eat, whatever it is it’s a baseline needs and values thing. Coulds are don’t have to do. You do not have to save others, you are not responsible for their feelings, you don’t have to go above and beyond.
There are coulds that are healthy. I could go work in my flower garden this afternoon because it will improve my mood. I could go upstairs and paint the hallway, but that is not fun on a pretty day when I work all week.
Stupid examples but notice how I am sorting it. Shoulds are non-negotiable things in life. You may not love all of them but they are necessary. But when it comes to your coulds, then you are listening to your inner being. You are choosing the next thing that brings you joy. You are choosing the coulds that feel good.
So, does it feel good to try and make someone feel better who won’t do it for themselves? No. That is a waste of energy that could bring you joy instead. Why is this important, because one fills your well and the other sucks it dry. Fill your well as often as possible and you will notice that over time you will invest in things that provide a return.
It will change your entire perspective and build some muscles for you that you don’t currently have that keeps you from understanding the concept of detachment.