SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're still a WH because you're still a WH. It's that simple. From one of your previous comments:

I cheated on my ex-W and GFs because I wanted to. If I found a woman attractive, I would go for it back in my cheating days. I never really felt guilty about it. Maybe I am a psychopath? I still don't know why 45+ years later.

You didn't have just a ONS. You're a serial cheater. A you don't feel bad about it.

Frankly, I think you're lying through your teeth at your claim that you never cheated on your current wife. You might even think of SI as a valuable resource for learning how to cover your tracks or how to react to getting caught.

More importantly, I think you get off on thinking about your past behavior and enjoy reliving it via SI... similar to how killers might return to a scene of their crimes.

For this reason, I've never responded to your comments because I don't want to participate in whatever dopamine rush you're getting from reading and posting on SI.

I made an exception this time because you asked... and also to say to BS who are dealing with serial cheaters that this is what's going on behind the eyes of someone who betrays you repeatedly but says he loves you and tries to convince you he's sorry. Don't buy it for a second.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:39 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

This is why you get the reactions you get. You are a serial cheater and you don’t have any remorse or guilt. Basically you’re saying it was ok to cheat because of x y or z, it wasn’t that bad, "just a ons or two."

Again, 0 reflections on how deeply you hurt your ex, or the many GFs you cheated on. All about you. Which is also why I suspect you have such a bias towards cheating wives. You can do whatever you want, but if someone hurts you then it’s hell to pay.

I am inclined to agree with Blue, I highly doubt you have been as faithful as you claim in your marriage, especially since you clearly don’t have any feelings of the damage you caused.

Which is also why I suspect you have such a bias towards cheating wives. You can do whatever you want, but if someone hurts you then it’s hell to pay.

This is the typical attitude of people who view their spouses as appliances who exist to be of use to them rather than individuals with their own agency, wants, and needs.

It's also why he is so in favor of divorce. Why spend the time and effort trying to fix a broken toaster when you can throw it in the trash and get a newer model?

Nope. You are both wrong. Never cheated on my lovely since we have been married. You guys sure like to make up stories.

Forgot to address--I don't have a bias against cheating wives. I was rooting for JustPlainLost to reconcile with her BH. You could hear the heartache and anguish in everyone of her posts. She is one of the few I believed was trult remorseful.

Maybe it would help you to note the anguish you see in these men are the natural reaction to being cheated on. This is the same trauma and reaction your first wife might have experienced.

A one night stand is an affair. It’s cheating. It has the same effect, especially when you did it more than once.

I don’t know if you are a psychopath, but I do think you lack empathy for the BS’s in this forum. You enjoy what we used to call "burn the witch" gang, but few of those have stayed around. Maybe it comes from a good place, but you need to try and expand your view of what is actually happening here.

Telling bs’s that you cheated because you didn’t love someone enough is a cop out. You cheated because you were not mature enough to honor a commitment you made. Integrity is about doing the right thing even when you don’t want to. The right thing would be to divorce before cheating or to find a way to work it out. There is no excuse for an affair, it’s a ws’s poor response to their circumstances…always. No exceptions.

I never had an affair. I had a one-night stand. Got caught because I left work to conduct the ONS. The ex-W forgave me. I had a second ONS.

Yes, you did. An affair is definied as "a sexual relationship between two people, one or both of whom are married to or in a long-term relationship with someone else." Whether the relationship lasted two hours or two years, it was an affair. You had two affairs.

I actually don't have any remorse or guilt... I guess I don't don't feel that deeply... I sometimes wonder if I am a psychopath.

It's never appropriate to play armchair psychologist so I'll refrain, but you might switch your focus from reading about other people's pain to reading about sociopathic tendencies. See if anything strikes you.

Actually, sociopaths are prone to violence unprovoked. I am more like psychopath.

I was thinking of affairs as more than a one-night thing. So, yes. I had affairs 3 times on the ex-W 45+ years ago when in my early 20s. No remorse or regret other than I should not have married in the first place.

[This message edited by atomic_mess at 5:15 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

Actually, sociopaths are prone to violence unprovoked. I am more like psychopath

Hmm. I'm pretty sure it's the other way around, but it looks like they're now both under the umbrella of Antisocial Personality Disorder.

I suspect after forty years of faithfulness it might be kind of hard to reconnect with the WS of your youth, AM. Still, the guidelines here at SI have served us pretty well in terms of consideration for those who are newly traumatized and hurting.

I will be happy to forward this question up for consideration though. It's a pretty good question.

Morted--too many responses to respond to; but, I wanted to get yours. I read a lot of other forums, internet news, and books. Always have since I discovered the library down the street from where I lived back in the ancient times when I was 9 years old.

When I read, I imagine myself as the character. For this reason, I rarely read books where the protagonist is female with a few exceptions. Being male, I don't read betrayed BW very often because I can't put myself in a woman's shoes. It is as simple as that. I do read WW threads in the Wayward side occasionally. My heart actually goes out to some of them for the distress they cause themselves and their BH. I used JustPlainLost as an example in another post. She changed her username at one point--don't recall what it is. Unfortunately, the reconciliation failed if I recall correctly. I guess I am not as much a psychopath as I make myself out to be.

Frankly, I think you're lying through your teeth at your claim that you never cheated on your current wife.

Nope. You are both wrong. Never cheated on my lovely since we have been married. You guys sure like to make up stories.

I added the emphasis to the "since we've been married" part of your quote, because it's doing a LOT of the heavy lifting here. By adding this qualifier, you are being intentionally misleading to other members here who do not know your story (said another way, you are using "weasel words"). In fairness, Atomic Mess, you DID cheat on your now-second wife. Maybe not in an active way since you've been married, but you DID cheat on her prior to the marriage and only stopped because the OW caught feelings and you realized you may be discovered. You were not discovered and kept the secret for decades until very recently when you disclosed. In doing so, then allowed your now wife to make one of the biggest decisions in her life - marriage - under false pretenses (she very well may have left you if she had known about your infidelity/disrespect - as you claim any self-respecting BS should do). In doing so, you stole from her her agency over her entire life. In the business world we would call this fraud.

The fact that your wife apparently did not react badly when you disclosed your prior actions to her does not mean that what you did was okay. Her reaction is the one that matters most in your marriage obviously, but it's a bit rich to represent yourself here as having had a many decades-long virtuous marriage when the reality is that you lived a lie for decades. You may not actively have been cheating throughout the marriage itself, but many here would consider your actions up until recently, as being extremely Wayward. Just like you lied to her via omission for years, you aren't being totally honest here.

There are plenty of BS here who arrived here after learning of historical affairs that ended long ago and are absolutely decimated by this information. In many cases, it causes a BS to look at every single aspect of their life differently. There are plenty who are never able to recover and who end up divorcing despite years of an otherwise happy, monogamous marriage. I mean, I know you are confident that your own wife has never and would never cheat but the reality is that PLENTY OF US felt this way when we found out.

Please know, I'm not saying any of this with malice. Considering I'm a BW, you probably haven't read my story but my husband, my very favourite person in the entire world is a former WS. I actually have a lot of respect your decision to disclose after so many years, especially if things were going well and you had no reason to believe you would be found out. But you have said yourself you have never "done the work" and never discovered your whys and so even though you may not have cheated for decades, you still have a lot of wayward tendencies that I would encourage you to work through. Your decision to use the slippery language I called out above, is one of them.

I suspect after forty years of faithfulness it might be kind of hard to reconnect with the WS of your youth, AM. Still, the guidelines here at SI have served us pretty well in terms of consideration for those who are newly traumatized and hurting.

I will be happy to forward this question up for consideration though. It's a pretty good question.

Thanks, ChamomileTea! Still haven't figured out how to quote someone on this forum.

You are quite correct! You are one of the few that has stated truth. I am very far removed from being the cheater I was in those days. After the divorce, I spent a lot of time living the womanizing single life until I met my lovely wife as I approached 30. I don't associate with those days either as it was the years between 40-45 years ago.

Appreciate you and your well thought out responses on multiple threads on SI!

[This message edited by atomic_mess at 5:49 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

Still haven't figured out how to quote someone on this forum.

Using the html symbols above the posting box makes it pretty easy. Just copy and paste the text you want to quote, then highlight it and click the "(quote icon) above. The same can be done for italic and bold.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:54 PM, Thursday, May 16th]

Your decision to use the slippery language I called out above, is one of them.

Emergent8--You caught that huh, LoL!

Yes, I did cheat on my then gf now wife prior to marriage. With the divorce, I decided I wasn't marriage material and was completely upfront with all the women I got involved with including my wife. I was pretty blatant about my activities not skulking around hiding anything. Women were plentiful for me. If one wanted something more than FWB, I would move one to the next. That is how my relationship started with my wife. She was just going to be another notch in my belt if you will. But, she was persistent and finally roped me in. Like many addicts, it was a gradual process for me to be faithful.

Using the html symbols above the posting box makes it pretty easy. Just copy and paste the text you want to quote, then highlight it and click the "(quote icon) above. The same can be done for italic and bold.

Thanks much again!

There is no absolution, even for remorseful former waywards.

T/j, Thumos is doing well enough.

There is no absolution, even for remorseful former waywards.

T/j, Thumos is doing well enough.

Good to hear regarding Thumos!

Regarding absolution, I am not religious. I don't think that would apply to me.

Emergent8--You caught that huh, LoL!

Yes. And I should note, my use of "slippery language" rather than a considerably less flattering term was charitable. You have a long history of lying and you clearly lie easily - even in this very thread. You say you don't have an agenda here, but here you are lying to a bunch of strangers on an anonymous forum. Genuinely asking - why?

You’re getting the reactions you expect because you come off as completely lacking remorse.

... and you're probably blind to the nuances in the replies you read.

I'm a retired IT tech/manager/consultant. At least I say I am. I tell myself I connect with real people on SI, but clearly we've spent a lot of energy on people who aren't who or what they say the are. So SI serves some human connection purpose, but ... a desire for connection is better served by face to face, IRL contact. Even a non-anonymous internet forum is better for connection than an anonymous forum.

The members you lionize are question marks to me. I see them as firing before aiming. My reading of their posts is that they acted as they thought they were supposed to act and never asked or answered questions about what they wanted. IMO, there's a higher than ideal probability that some - maybe all - of them sold themselves out.

I dd have a couple of questions for you.

First and foremost, your W knows you cheated on her, but she didn't excise you from her life. How does that not conflict with your 'throw cheaters out' beliefs? How do you deal with the emotional and cognitive dissonance? Do you even recognize any dissonance?

Second, do you fear that you will cheat again?

Third, what, if anything, do you want to change about yourself? It's clear to me that you wish you hadn't cheated, because that's the only way you would not be a WS by SI's definition. People generally say 'once a cheater, always a cheater' to mean a cheater will always cheat again. On SI, 'once a cheater, always a cheater' means just that: a WS is always a cheater, but we classify WSes as WSes without making or implying anything about future behavior.

Those are real questions. I ask because I don't know the answers, and you do. And the answers may lead to understanding why you're here.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:00 PM, Thursday, May 16th]