SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

D-Day 05/17/2009. My world was shattered that morning when I discovered my wife’s affair. We did not separate, but spent months working through the process.
I consider our story a successful one. She has worked as hard as I have for fifteen years to make our marriage a happy and functional one.
I still, however, experience triggers and anxiety. It tends to happen around this time of year (d-day anniversary). It has gotten better over time, but this year has been rough.
Has anyone else had these triggers after such a long time in reconciliation?

Six years after learning about an affair that had by then been over for five years and I still have triggers. I think I always will.

Important thing is to work through them together. You both need to be part of the process. Dont hide them from her.

Hopefully she is willing to work with you when they occur. If not then you probably never will be able to heal.

I'm 20 years out. What I've finally, finally figured out is that the triggers seem to gain steam when I feel insecure or when I don't feel safe in my relationship with my H. Is something different going on this year?

Not that I can pinpoint. This time of year is always a little harder. Our youngest graduated from high school, so I suppose we're entering a different season. But I'm not sure that has anything to do with why I'm so vulnerable this time.

I walked in on my then fiancé having sex with OM. I left that relationship and a couple of years later met my present wife. About 12-14 years into our relationship we were having some serious issues – a lot of them due to my insecurities and lack of trust.

For years I had been dealing with memories from my days as a law enforcement officer. For example – I felt uneasy if I saw pieces of cauliflower (look too much like brain-matter), I couldn’t sit with my back to the entrance of public spaces, I had an excessive fear if kids under six were playing near a road. Several more – all connected to events I had experienced.
I also had some triggers from the infidelity... In the city we lived in at the time the shortest and most direct route from the airport to my childhood home went past the apartment complex my fiancé and I lived in. Every time I drove past I felt queasy, and I generally too a longer, more roundabout way to and from the airport.
As part of my effort to work on my marriage I made an appointment with a psychologist. Took him one session to realize that yes – I did have some PTSD from my cop-days. But the BIGGEST cause of trauma and the BIGGEST triggers and consequences were the infidelity.
Took me a couple of sessions to learn methods and get tools to help deal with the triggers. Issues like having dealt with the internal content of the body of a child... not so hard to deal with. Nor having been stabbed or getting into a life-or-death wrestling bout with a drugged out steroid giant. I dealt with those events and the triggers within the third session. Took a couple more to deal with the infidelity and its consequences. Including realizing that my wife was NOT the same woman as the one that cheated on me. That I couldn’t put the same moral yardstick on all, and definitely not base that yardstick on the lowest denominator.

Even after that... For the next couple of times I visited my parents at that city I would have to prepare before driving past that apartment building. Can do so now with no trigger or reaction, but it took treatment and time.

So yes – I do recognize you trigger this long after the event. I strongly suggest you seek professional help to deal with those triggers. Took me about 4-5 sessions and less than 2 months.

I'm another one that triggers because I don't feel safe.

I can trust my husband with everything except the behaviors he lied about.

It's been 17 years from DD1 and 7 years from DD2.

I don't think the trust is ever coming back.