SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You realizes he needs to numb his pain and finding a new relationship is his answer.

It’s nothing to do with you but everything to do with him.

He’s broken, he’s shallow, he’s just not the guy you knew for 20+ years. He has become someone else.

A selfish person for starters.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:33 PM, Thursday, January 30th]

I would send his emails to the trash then. He is just stalling YOUR healing process and not allowing you to move on. It's mean and unfair. Is your child about to become an adult? Do you have any younger children? I ask that because you do not need to communicate with him at all after they are 18.

Listen to crazyblindsided. Block his emails or have them sent to your spam folder. If your kids are 18+, there's no reason to talk to him. If you kids younger than that, you can communicate through parenting apps. He has nothing to offer you.

But apparently he can, as in the same week that he bared his emotions to me and suggesting we rethink our path forward, turns out he was also getting started with online dating. I guess that may mean he's truly NC with his affair partner, but I still can't fathom how someone could have an affair, get caught, blow up his marriage and family, lose the affair partner, and then start dating...all within the span of weeks?

Alternatively, his affair is still ongoing; he's just hedging his bets. A lot of people worry that their WS will suddenly change and be a better person for their next partner, or that they could've changed if they had been given a chance. Just be relieved that you now know for sure this isn't possible.

"he paints me as the one who broke up the family not how all his actions and behaviors led to it's demise."

Sorry this happened. Sadly it is a common wayward trope making it the BS "fault" for ending infidelity by divorce because the WS is choosing to continue to cheat. ExWS certainly painted it that way. While ignoring the impact of the A on our M and marital resources: financial, physical time, emotional, spiritual. I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of marriage could have been built with these resources.

A therapist I consult said studies have shown the more you cater to a narcissist the more narcissistic they become. Over the course of your marriage you two set up a communication style. He and his ego probably made sure he was top dog even though you might have not recognized it. One thing about narcs is their ability to ALWAYS own the room. Everyone else’s needs are secondary. If things are going along smoothly for them they can be charming and even lovable but they will get their way every time.
Do not respond and don’t pain shop. You are divorcing so whatever he is up to is no longer your concern.

the more you cater to a narcissist the more narcissistic they become.

I'm thinking hard about this right now, as tonight I met STBXH for dinner. He'd been asking me to see him (instead of communicating only via text), and a week ago, I said yes. I went with hopes that maybe he'd have new insights about his affair that would help us move forward, not for R but for a healthy future connection, as we'll always be parents of our two kids.

He had some new insights, but mostly it felt like more of the same: angry at me and the kids for how much pain we've inflicted on him, pointing out that the fact that I've not been asking him about his life, his new dog, his apartment, who he's hanging out with as evidence that I "don't have a compassionate bone" in my body, and telling me that the only way I can atone for the years of hurt I've caused him is to sit with the kids and "come clean" about all the ways I hurt him, belittled him, was uncaring toward him, etc. His answer to my pointing out that he chose to betray me even knowing that he was intentionally harming me is to say that I betrayed him, too (by treating him poorly, not actual infidelity). He continues to say "I own my actions" but then adds all the other words that tell me he's not even close to owning his actions.

It was a tough evening. While H sees me as the least compassionate person ever, it's actually my intense feelings for him that get me hooked into these conversations and always hoping that something will be different this time. Alas, no. There were tears, and we did not leave the dinner on good terms, but this actually gives me some closure, and I feel no need to have any further communication with him other than the necessary transactional things. I will always regret the moments where I could have been a better partner to him. As much as I wish it weren't too late, I can't rewind the clock to use the wisdom I have today in the marriage that I'm ending, but I hope I carry those lessons into future relationships.

Tonight is when I finally let go of 26 years together. I'm ok and am excited for my future...but I'm also just deeply, deeply sad.

Narcs are good at projecting their feelings on you, DARVO, and thinking there's nothing wrong with them and everybody else is the problem. The love bombing and intermittent reinforcement keep some of us on the hook, hoping that great person (who really didn't exist) would come back. Unfortunately, they don't come back.

Sorry you had a sucky night but glad you're realizing that you're better off away from him and his cheating.

I would seriously cut communication off with him and stop his rants dead in the track. Keep moving forward and away from him. He is toxic, everything he said to you has narcissist written all over it. I had to learn the hard way until I went no contact. Peace of mind ever since.

Please don't take anything he said to heart because he is lashing out at you, this should be your driver to get out of the M.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:03 PM, Friday, February 7th]

Once you recognise the patterns it becomes easier to disengage.

Instead of trying to reason or explain, I now say things like "I agree that's the way you think". He doesn't know how to respond to that. I haven't disagreed or tried to get my facts across. It's like his brain has a glitch.

angry at me and the kids for how much pain we've inflicted on him, pointing out that the fact that I've not been asking him about his life, his new dog, his apartment, who he's hanging out with

Wow! This is so hard to read because I cannot imagine how difficult it was to sit through this in a public place.

I’m so sorry for you.

This reminded me of an old boyfriend I was dating at 21. I was very naive and looking back, he targeted me b/c I was obviously young and stupid. I found out he was a serial cheater and liar etc and I just ended the relationship. He kept calling my job with his "we need to meet and talk this over" routine.

Stupidly I did. I met him. Big mistake (as you can tell). I had to listen to the love bombing and more lies etc. I literally sat and ate my meal and said nothing. Finally after 25 minutes of his non stop lies and empty promises, he stopped and asked if I had anything to say.

I just said "you should eat your food before it gets cold".

He got so angry he stood up, threw money on the table and walked out. Of course everyone around us noticed. It was embarrassing but I just sat there and kept on eating.

Selfish people always make it all about them.

I hope your encounter provided the opportunity to see your cheating spouse for who he is. He cheats and then is upset you don’t want to "be his friend".

He really is that clueless!