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It's Day 12 since the time-apart has begun, and I am finding myself be filled more and more with venom

I am getting out there and walking etc daily (did 10KMs this morning) - but I am finding myself predicting conversations, being filled with so much anger, and wanting to call her stuff I would never consider.

- I am angry that I still have no timeline for this space apart or even when or if there is a check-in
- I am angry that I am going to have to be the one (assuming) to initiate the check-in
- I am angry that its almost been a year since this commenced
- I am angry that I am having to go stay at my sisters house for the next week (whilst my sister is at my mums) on my own
(and now I have to come to the city for workshops... 2 hour drive, or 3 hours by public transport each way)
- I am angry that when my work plans changed, and it meant i didnt need to go today, and we moved the kids change over, her message was about oh well we could move it, cause its so and so's farewell party in the city, but I wasn't going to go cause I was going to look after the kids.. [like WHY even tell me that, oh awesome your plans changed, I can go do something else and fun then.. i know it wasnt really like that... but thats just how it comes across]
- I am angry that she has the week off, and will fill it doing activities with the kids.. so she gets to be the fun one - where I have been working, and also managing the household and making them do chores as well as doing their own thing whilst working from home etc) (so I have all the responsibility, and she doesn't...)
- I am angry that her being in Perimenopause and undiagnosed ADHD meant that she was at significant risk of doing stupid shit cause estrogen is vital for Dopamine regulation - (and me telling her for more than a year prior to this that she needs to go to a Dr and help manage the preimenopause cause it was really obvious that had kicked in... )
- I am assuming (and badly) that she isnt really putting in enough time or effort into this during this time away
(I have no evidence of this... just how my hurt gut and heart feel and it makes me angry)
- I am assuming that she doesn't miss me as much as I miss her (yet again no evidence either way.. just me not coping)

I just find myself going over and over this conversation we haven't had yet, this conversation to be - this conversation where I have to book it to check in on next steps as we have no plan beyond the 7th of Feb.. and where in my mind I am just thinking of and calling her a piece of ****. I have no idea what that real conversation is.. I have no idea what work she has or hasnt done - but my heart is now filled with so much rage - so much disgust. I keep thinking of editing that image I told you all about, on writing really nuclear lines like.... 'i got caught going straight from sleeping with my lover to my fathers deathbed..'

I HATE hearing her voice atm, I am leaving the kids at home on their own tomorrow morning for 30 mins to an hour to avoid seeing her, as she comes back here for the week.

I am afraid and I dont know what is real or not - and feel this temporary space is just making me despise her where it was supposed to be about getting her out of the fog and taking accountability and ownership.

So I guess I am just wanting to write it out, get it out, and try to work out how we deal with those moments of pure venom - where you know every word in your mind is a surgical strike, that only someone who knows you so well can do so much damage with words.

Vent away! You have been heard. All of this is terribly unfair to you. I think your rage comes from giving your WW so much control over your M , especially with no sign that she’s actually working on herself to be a safe partner for you. Just my two cents, but stop focusing on her. Enjoy your time with your kids. Do things that you enjoy. You are going to be fine whatever the outcome. She needs to prove that she is worthy of being in a marriage with you. Take heart and be confident in yourself.

Anger is an appropriate response to what she has done and continues to do.

This may not be applicable to you at all, but I find I am most most prone to anger spiraling when I feel stuck and don’t see a clear path forward out of whatever it is that’s making me angry. You’re in a terrible place of limbo that must feel like torture. Can you focus on finding your way out of that limbo? That kind of problem solving might help direct your emotions toward something more productive.

I completely understand your anger.

I was SO angry, I frightened myself. I said things I never thought I would. Called him names. At one point, he told me….hit me if you’d think it would help….and I did. It didn’t help. And, he was shocked that I did. I don’t advocate violence.

I totally understand the anger. Usually, anger comes from another underlying emotion. For me, that was sadness….just abject sadness at everything.

Hand in there.

I agree - anger is a normal response. Rage is a normal response.

Holding it in does more of the damage venom can do than expressing it.

The situation, as you've described it, is untenable. If you're not formally separated and reconciliation is still on the table, then there needs to be an end date to your time a part and, in the meantime, you should be having regularly scheduled check-ins to discuss your relationship.

If your wife is unwilling to commit to a timeline or check-ins, then I think that's a good indication that she isn't using this separation to make a good faith effort to sort herself out but as a means of getting you out of hair while she tests out life as a divorcee/single mother.

You need a light at the end of the tunnel, one way or another; otherwise, indefinite limbo will destroy you. If your wife won't give you an off ramp, then you need to set a deadline just for yourself for how much longer you're willing to simmer on her backburner before taking decisive action.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:41 PM, Friday, January 17th]

The rage hit me from out of the blue— and I am person rarely gets angry. I did not recognize myself. Totally normal.
Find good outlets- journaling, walking, punching pillows, lifting weights, etc.

It won’t last for ever and can be used as a catalyst to action.

It is unfair - so your anger is appropriate.

We are just starting our 3 week time apart today. We have set ground rules —just one text per day to make sure other person is alive and ok, planning to see each other once per week on a "date" to check in and assess how it’s going, in addition to continuing once a week MC after this week and our own weekly IC. It isn’t easy but I would be feeling even worse if there was no structure to it, or estimated time. Also we don’t have small kids so that makes it easier. Your feelings are totally justified and I hope you get some clarity during the time apart. That’s what we are hoping for—it’s hard for either of us to heal from this mess when we are together all the time with all the emotional rollercoaster shit. Keep us posted on how it’s going and I’ll do the same. Take care. I have to believe this will all get better, no matter what the outcome.

It's now almost a month since this 'temporary space' started

- Still struggling to sleep
- Still having lots of imaginary conversations
- Learnt that some of the time period she has not been staying at her mums house (but instead a friends house... perhaps)
- One of the times we briefly spoke, realised she hasn't had any sessions with her IC
- She has booked a trip to another state for 8 days later in Feb... (without consultation with me or knowing where we stand)
- I ended up trying to book the meeting (cause she hadn't yet) for yesterday, she asked to delay it to Monday as she wasn't ready
- She is assuming she is coming back here Monday night (and told the kids that... [that we are all living together again]
- Her family is noticing more, and starting to ask questions (shes ignoring them)

- I have had a laywer consult, and based upon distance if we do keep progressing I will be primary carer of the kids, with her only getting them every 2nd weekend. Due to her booking that interstate trip... that would actually mean she only gets 1 day of sole custody with the kids for the entire month of Feb!

- Know she has been going out movies, or markets or things like that.. so more 'fun' things
- Did say she misses me and loves me a lot, but is still being closed off to preserve the rules of the 'temp space'

- We have needed to have lots of conversations around the kids due to activities and school starting

So now its about waiting for Monday, seeing where she wants to meet and when
(My IC said we should meet in a neutral space)

I will be def be asking what the extra days were needed to make her 'ready' for the conversation (considering she is assuming she is moving back in..)

I am trying to step back and think clearly (which is hard.. ) what I am wanting, but what I am wanting to see from her from the past month apart and what is being a reasonable ask..

In my mind its

- What has this time apart revealed to yourself
- What are you wanting from here (relationship type etc)
- What is your plan for working on the marriage and
- building trust
- building safety
- demonstrating accountability and remorse

- Have you spent any time with your IC
- Have you made bookings for our first MCs

- But prob also expressing how upset I am on this interstate trip etc

I really dont think she understands that this conversation is a massive turning point, that it can either lead to us continuing to try for reconciliation or for us to go down the path to separation (aka still comes across so cavalier)

Since I am in the thick of it, and hard to think with all the work pressures, kid pressures and stuff - any other things you can suggest I should ask? Things you would recommend for me to remember etc

Sorry your WW is still acting so selfishly. She shortchanges time with her children which is just so heartbreaking.

If you don’t mind, I have a suggestion for your conversation with your WW. Always value yourself. All of your questions are so passive and focused on her feelings, her wants. Tell her what YOU have learned during this separation, what YOU want moving forward to have a viable M, tell her YOUR feelings and expectations, and boundaries. You deserve respect and commitment from your partner. Don’t worry, from what you have shared here, your WW will still talk all about herself. She is selfish and self absorbed. But you deserve to be heard on your expectations. Good luck.

I think you're overthinking it and you're putting way too much faith in her words vs her actions right now.

She says she loves you and she misses you, and that she wants to work on herself and the marriage, except...

-She rarely speaks with you, and when she does, she doesn't have a substantive, meaningful conversation
-She hasn't gone to an IC
-She's not staying with her mother, and you can't say with 100% certainty where she's been staying and who she's been seeing
-She's going out a lot and having fun
-She booked a vacation for herself without you or the kids

Your wife is already living as a single woman.

Based on what you have shared, your Ww has not respected your requests. Her actions tell you she isn't using her time as it was intended. Why not move to next logical step. . .Tell her that she clearly is not showing you that she wants to be a part of this family. Further wants to be a "fun aunt," to her children.

I think she wants to be on her own and you should make that permanent by initiating a divorce.

She has not suffered many consequences and it appears she is trying to sway the kids in her favor ahead of any custody. Does not appear to honor her commitments now. I am really sorry, but you don't have much to work with here. You can't R by yourself and all signs point to her living on her own so none of you can bother her.

Sadly, I've seen Peri destroy a few of my friends marriages. In one case the W moved out and initiated D. Fast forward a few years that same wife asked me to talk to her husband to "take her back." I refused. She said she made the biggest mistake of her life. No infidelity in that situation BTW.

I think a new condition of any moving back in is a full check up and remedies to address that part in addition to IC. Since she has not done that I don't think this breach can be healed before she is honest with herself and realizes that her behavior points to not wanting to be married to you.

You can stand on your two feet and end this limbo. Not going to be easy, but at least it gives you hope to be free from infidelity and someone that shows you very little respect.

All of your questions are so passive and focused on her feelings, her wants. Tell her what YOU have learned during this separation, what YOU want moving forward to have a viable M, tell her YOUR feelings and expectations, and boundaries.

I had the same thoughts.

Ah sorry don't get me wrong. My heart right now is completely believing that I am walking away separated after this meeting.

Cause unless she surprises me in the session I will be pointing out those same things.

It's Saturday now I still don't have a time or place.

If I don't get even get that before Monday morning the text message will be along the lines of dont bother, this was the most important meeting of your life and you couldn't even prioritise that. This is done, you need to come get your stuff and go. You will need to pick the kids up from School every other weekend. Unfortunately your trip conflicts with that and you need to sort that out. Otherwise your next visit after this weekend with the kids will be 1st of March

Whilst those above where my leading questions i still have my minimum expectations.

- What has this time apart revealed to yourself
- What are you wanting from here (relationship type etc)
- What is your plan for working on the marriage and
- building trust
- building safety
- demonstrating accountability and remorse

- Have you spent any time with your IC
- Have you made bookings for our first MCs

- But prob also expressing how upset I am on this interstate trip etc

In terms of these it was...
Did you even put in the work and can you communicate. Did you get over this fantasy of poly. Have you thought forward at all.

And any um, no etc all lead to well you didn't meet the purpose for this. You didn't spend the time on this like you were supposed to. So sorry... it's over

I am really sorry. Be kind to yourself. Protect your kids and yourself. I'd get an attorney and prepare for the inevitable. You can't rebuild a M by yourself.

So sorry. Unfortunately this type of stuff hurts at the time. I am Hopefull one day you will see you had no real choice and realize you did the best you could with the situation provided to you.

The time apart is for both of you to gain clarity. I think you have reached your own sort of clarity on this topic as you think about your wife and what she brings to the table. What you want from this relationship and whether or not it is worth building a new relationship with this woman that you now know is capable of cheating on you then telling you to suck it up and get over it.

I had a similar, but shorter time apart where I got clarity, and I made my specific demands for creating a safe relationship again and working towards our shared goals. She came back contrite and offered to finally do many of the things I had been asking her to do.

So, I guess my recommendation to you, is to take the lessons you have learned in this time apart to prepare for the next phase of your life. It sounds like it is more likely than not, a phase that will be with her as a co-parent, not as a partner. So I would focus your thoughts on that, and take all the advice of your lawyer to maximize your outcome.