SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone else out there that feels stupid and scared for continuing to love your WS?

First, I feel stupid because in my head if someone hurts you that deeply they DO NOT deserve your love. Yet here I am still in love, staying to build a future. I know I would be fine on my own (I would miss my son when he would visit his Dad) but I still choose to stay.

And secondly, the terrifying feeling of still loving someone who has shown such disregard for your love and commitment. Would it be even more devastating if it happens again? I wonder if I would just automatically hate him a second time around.

Just some Friday thoughts :-)

Well, my hard boundary was that if XWH has sexual contact with anybody but me, we would move straight to D. Do not pass Go and do not collect $200.

FWIW, I think you're incredibly brave to stay and be vulnerable.

I have similar feelings that continue to fester within me sometimes. I feel extremely conflicted for staying with someone who could so blatantly disrespect me and our children in the worst way imaginable - discarded like fuckin pieces of trash. On top of of it all, I think when you have a truly remorseful spouse, there is this extra amount of pressure added on the shoulders of a BS to offer grace and forgiveness.

One of the most difficult things for me is the "renegotiation" of my pre-A marital contract. The "old me" … the me before marriage, a mortgage, a family, a history and many other conjoined assets, would of without a doubt left (infidelity was always a dealbreaker). However, the "new me," has a lot more at stake … my life has become a lot more complex then a decade ago when I wrote my initial draft. What would have worked for me back then, unfortunately, doesn’t fit well with my current situation. I’m in the process of re-writing this contract, although I’m still trying to comb through the fine print.

Infidelity is not so black and white as I once believed it was. Often times I wonder if my WH thinks I’m some sort of "doormat" and that what he’s done really wasn’t all that "bad" … after all he still gets to come home to his family at the end of every day - just like nothing even happened. I wholeheartedly believe he doesn’t actually think this, but my mind goes to these dark places and its thoughts like these that I know are prolonging my healing time.

I know you have mentioned that your M was shit before the A … mine was too and in every way imaginable. Even with the immediate ending of the A and NC … I know without a doubt I would of left if he continued being the absent, POS husband and father that he was. He literally did a complete 180 right at Dday. There was no fog to come out of, there was no hesitation or question as to what he wanted and what mattered most to him. I think in part this is one of the reasons I decided to "stick it out" … me or my children are never going to be a Plan B for anyone … lucky for him the remorse was instant, because I really don’t believe I would of accepted anything less.

I would love for him to try to fuck me over again … I won’t be as "nice" if there is ever a round 2. I’m also not scarred to live my life without him … I’m content knowing that life will go on well if we D and that I’m open to love again. On the other hand, I’m also satisfied with the work he’s put into supporting me, healing himself and how he continues to carry the majority of the M (at the moment I’m still struggling with this). I would of bet my life that he would of never of taken these strides to make amends or change himself … so far he has proven me wrong … this is probably the only instance where I’m ok with being wrong

Yes I feel very conflicted about continuing to love someone who deliberately hurt me so badly.

I constantly flip flop between that and loving her still. It's exhausting.

The old me always said I would leave a cheater first time. Obviously I didn't do that.

I also feel very conflicted over disregarding my principles in order to stay. Sometimes I wonder if she feels like she got away with a lot at little cost to herself.

I have gotten to the place though where I have re-adopted that principle. I feel much more committed to leaving if there is a D-Day #2. I'm not going to say 100%, because maybe she would take extreme actions to change, but absent that I'm done.

Heartbrokenwife23

I have similar feelings that continue to fester within me sometimes. I feel extremely conflicted for staying with someone who could so blatantly disrespect me and our children in the worst way imaginable - discarded like fuckin pieces of trash. On top of of it all, I think when you have a truly remorseful spouse, there is this extra amount of pressure added on the shoulders of a BS to offer grace and forgiveness.

I have truly struggled with this the past few days/weeks.
Particularly with the bolded part.

I feel like I was put in position where I am forced to be the one who has to take on the hurt and pain and frustration and disrespect in order to show a level of grace and mercy that was not afforded to me.

I so often think of the cold a callous nature that my WW pursued what she wanted in her A without a regard for me, but somehow I am to muster the strength and forgiveness to give a second chance to someone who doesn't "deserve" it.

I question myself as to why I am even giving that second chance...
I question if I am some schmuck for doing so...
Am I setting myself up for future hurt...
Is all this remorse just an act....
Can I trust myself to judge correctly what I am seeing...

This infidelity mess sucks.

I feel like it would be crazy NOT to feel that way. It’s logical. The hard part is sometimes it’s not always logical to someone to divorce for entirely practical reasons. And there is the whole love is not always logical either.

Every situation is very different.

It’s hard to move forward with uncertainty- in any aspect of life. Holding the questions will continue to help you evaluate and the answers do come. I don’t know what any of your answers will be yet.

However, coming from a place where I do think we have achieved reconciliation I think it comes from being able to reframe over time and that come from an authentic place.

For example, my husband and I suffered together through a lot of it and over time I don’t think he believes I got away with anything. Even if he had not had his own affair, I struggled mightily to come from a dark place and rebuild myself and our marriage, it is undeniable to him. But that didn’t come in a year, it didn’t even come in two years, it was a long, consistent climb. This is not to pat myself in the back, so wish I didn’t even have this to write about in my life. It’s to say that he is married to someone different now. I am the same in many ways but i can cope differently, I am not avoidant, I give him love daily, I have boundaries, I understand love and connection differently, I have rebuilt trust, and I am much happier living my life in a wholesome way rather than escaping with things that are not good for me.

I think he is different too. I have a husband who is very in tune with me in a way he was incapable of earlier. And truth is I never stopped trusting him in some areas- his desire and value of fidelity was the major area to rebuild. I still trusted him in other valuable areas of my life.

However, it’s different circumstances for everyone. We had a long, good pre-a marriage for example. Not perfect obviously, but still probably better than most. Having an improved outlook on life, improved knowledge, skills has enhanced that. We have now built something that would be very hard to achieve with a new person and have preserved our family unit in time to enjoy our grandkids together.

But it has been a process that removed those doubts and it’s taken time.

This is not a bid for you to reconcile, I do not know what the path to your highest happiness is or what will go on. I am only explaining how I see reconciling, and it truly does take years. Your fears and logic are all appropriate and needed in that process.

I so often think of the cold a callous nature that my WW pursued what she wanted in her A without a regard for me, but somehow I am to muster the strength and forgiveness to give a second chance to someone who doesn't "deserve" it.

It takes a long time to feel the ws deserves it. That’s why you have to flip it to what do I want? Why am I doing it? Because it’s YOU who deserves to have what YOU want. It’s true reconciliation is a gift to her, but until you are sure you feel she deserves that gift, focus entirely on what you want to see happen and why that’s what you want. Otherwise, you are not taking accountability for yourself and she is never going to be able to help you with that.

I was never in charge or entitled to a second chance. He gave me a second chance because he saw value in that and had to have faith in himself that he would ultimately do what was best for him. Not everyone is cut out to give a second chance no matter what the ws does.

Also, callousness doesn’t always come from malice. I was so callous before, during, and even after my affair. Callousness comes from not caring what happens to oneself due to emotional numbness. When someone can’t cope with their own pain, it becomes a process of numbing. I know that malice doesn’t have to be in the intent to do the same damage. It doesn’t excuse the damage/ but it does at least allow you to understand the state these decisions were made in.

I think an affair is often its own punishment for someone who isn’t like a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist, etc. those who have one and become remorseful inflict trauma on themselves. They are not an innocent victim, but they certainly did not act in their best interest. It is the worst decision of my life followed by years of digging out of it. Nothing about it was worth it, it just was a way to gift myself with malignant shame and to critically injure the most important relationship of my life.

This is not to gain empathy for your ws, (and definitely not for me) but if YOU do decide it’s what YOU want, there will eventually need to be understanding on what actually happened there in your wife and how she has rebuilt her life to never come to that point in the path again. I am writing my experience to give you an idea of what that sounds like.

I question myself as to why I am even giving that second chance...
I question if I am some schmuck for doing so...
Am I setting myself up for future hurt...
Is all this remorse just an act....
Can I trust myself to judge correctly what I am seeing...

It’s going to take a long time to trust her again. What you do need to do is know the answer to the first question. Why are you giving her a second chance? For me/my husband it was a lot of things. Love was only one. The others were more practical- shared history, we had been compatible in the past in a way that would be hard to find in another, family, and we truly do wnjoy each other. It took a while to get back to that. But you can’t stay for her, this has to be about you.

I made the decision to leave within 5 minutes of d-day. Of course, I had second doubts and all that, but I stuck to my decision and after about a month or so she stopped trying to contact me.
I fully understand that my situation was in many ways unique. We were young (about 23), not married yet (5 weeks to the big day that-never-was), no kids, no joint debt or commitments... I don’t think leaving is ever easy, but I guess my instance was as "easy" as they come.

But... I still loved her.
I didn’t hate her, and in fact I never have.
Took me months to wean myself off my love for her. Painful months.
I guess that since I didn’t have any substance to feed that love, then with time it diminished.

Just saying... Discovering your spouse cheated does not automatically lead to you turning off all positive emotions towards them. Love is not replaced with hate instantaneously. Remaining and working at reconciliation might allow your heart to start healing, but any step back, misstep, new discovery... risks tearing off whatever scab might have grown on the hurt.
At the same time – working together might speed up some healing. All depends on the commitment and effort put into the task.
Its more a question of how many times we can bear and when do we maybe realize we can only heal alone.

There are plenty of moments that I feel like a naive fool. Trusting, faithful, supporting, loving all these years while he harbored his "secret". Resentment is bubbling to the surface more often than I like. He took advantage of my goodness. Took away my agency.

It is the worst decision of my life followed by years of digging out of it. Nothing about it was worth it, it just was a way to gift myself with malignant shame and to critically injure the most important relationship of my life.

This is what pulls me back. Although he took 42 years to work things out in his head before sharing with me, I do see a new man in front of me. 2.0 Pisses me off that he got to control the narrative though.

I don't have the fear that he would do it again. My fear is that he never was committed to me in the first place and stuck around because of his shame or duty or just the inability to man up and tell me what he wanted. He says not, but it is a constant thought. My insecurity I guess.

I will say that his confession has jarred me awake! I am a people pleaser and a codependent. I am taking this time to learn more about me. Why am I the way I am and to practice standing up for myself and being a bit more selfish. It feels good. My little silver lining. He sees a different me and I think he respects it. Kind of keeps him on his toes!!

Hikingout
Thanks for your perspective...it is always welcome....you have always been helpful to my understanding of this mess we call infidelity

It takes a long time to feel the ws deserves it. That’s why you have to flip it to what do I want? Why am I doing it? Because it’s YOU who deserves to have what YOU want. It’s true reconciliation is a gift to her, but until you are sure you feel she deserves that gift, focus entirely on what you want to see happen and why that’s what you want. Otherwise, you are not taking accountability for yourself and she is never going to be able to help you with that.

I have found this incredibly difficult. I have a hard time considering what I want.
In MY mind marriage was ALWAYS about the concept of "two becoming one". Because of that I have always had a hard time focusing on myself. EVERY decision I make takes into consideration how it would effect my wife and daughters. I may not be perfect in my actions but I ALWAYS make her part of the equation of the decision.

This is the biggest reason why her A was so devastating...the idea that she could do things without any consideration for how it would effect me and our family was completely astonishing.

I was never in charge or entitled to a second chance. He gave me a second chance because he saw value in that and had to have faith in himself that he would ultimately do what was best for him. Not everyone is cut out to give a second chance no matter what the ws does.

Also, callousness doesn’t always come from malice. I was so callous before, during, and even after my affair. Callousness comes from not caring what happens to oneself due to emotional numbness. When someone can’t cope with their own pain, it becomes a process of numbing. I know that malice doesn’t have to be in the intent to do the same damage. It doesn’t excuse the damage/ but it does at least allow you to understand the state these decisions were made in.

I think I gave a second chance because I saw her fear and self-loathing. She lied so much in the immediately aftermath of Dday that it made me wonder who this person was. Yet I could see the little girl in her looking for somewhere to run and hide. As you stated, I don't believe her callousness comes from malice. However that idea of me being stupid and scared comes from the idea that I'm being played and manipulated so I understand Webbit's OP. It's the idea that I could not be THAT callous to begin with toward her, makes you wonder if you should be with someone who COULD be that callous toward you. It is quite scary.

I think an affair is often its own punishment for someone who isn’t like a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist, etc. those who have one and become remorseful inflict trauma on themselves. They are not an innocent victim, but they certainly did not act in their best interest. It is the worst decision of my life followed by years of digging out of it. Nothing about it was worth it, it just was a way to gift myself with malignant shame and to critically injure the most important relationship of my life.

This is not to gain empathy for your ws, (and definitely not for me) but if YOU do decide it’s what YOU want, there will eventually need to be understanding on what actually happened there in your wife and how she has rebuilt her life to never come to that point in the path again. I am writing my experience to give you an idea of what that sounds like.

It sounded crazy in the aftermath of Dday, that a WS could be feeling pain and trauma. It led to some of our biggest crashout arguments.
I was so angry...but now 2.5 years out, I can see it.
She has such shame that I see her often walking with her head down. Her physical posture has changed, she is walking on eggshells wondering if I am going to one day up and leave.

I also realized that she has ALWAYS carried shame due to FOO. Her mother rarely praised her for doing things right. It is just maddeningly insane to me that a persons answer to feeling not good enough...is to go out and do the worst f'n thing imaginable to the one person who you should be doing the best for.

That is scary as hell.

I'll add to what Bigger and hiking wrote with:

If you feel stupid, it's because - metaphorically speaking - you hear messages in your head that you're stupid. The thing is: you generate those messages, so you can stop them. None of us is without attacking self-talk. If you recognize it for what it is, you can govern it. It's just something one has been taught that is coming out, and it's something to stimulate new, more functional, self-talk.

Asking for help - running your thinking by other people, for example - is a step in healing when you take in the positive comments you receive. Just sayin'....

Another just sayin'...: loving the person who just hurt you IS scary, IMO, so feeling scared means you're in touch with reality. Thinking about the future can be scary, too, since one can't know what's around the corner.

IOW, you're on track for healing, at least IMO.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:30 PM, Sunday, January 26th]