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WS and I are in therapy but the triggers. It's like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. We had a great weekend together. My MIL watched the kids while we had a date night in the city. We actually had our first nice date night out where I wasn't triggered at all since Dday just before Thanksgiving. Then last night, MIL was over again and suggested we get a dog walker/sitter so we don't have to board the dogs next time we go away. My husband laughed (because AP was a dog walker-apparently that's how it started) and I had to tell her to stop bringing it up. She said oh sore subject. I was so upset. It's not a sore subject. It was a betrayal of my trust and just because it was an emotional affair and not physical does not make it any less painful. How do you deal with things like this? Do I call it what it is and risk an argument? I didn't want to do that with my oldest nearby so I just sat quiet and stewed. Do I bring it up with her now after the fact? Let it go? She is well aware of what happened because Dday she was here.

A dog walker might in fact be a good idea. If you don't want to hear that at home, what do you think about telling your MIL it's a trigger and you'd appreciate not mentioning the possibility again. I don't understand your WS's laughter. If my W laughed inappropriately (IMO), I'd ask her about it - and her answer would be another data point for the stay/go decision.

Triggers happen. My experience was that eventually they get noticeably less intense and less frequent, but they come again and again for the 1st couple of years.

You have to use your judgment about how to handle each one. I tend to believe raising issues is a good idea if R is on the table, so I talked with my WS a lot when I triggered. I liked her responses, and that helped R progress. If I hadn't liked her responses, maybe I'd have dumped her. Either way, raising issues helped me heal.

Agree with sisoon that talking about the triggers extensively is helpful. Every time they are there to support you through this hardship builds trust. It also provides you with information if they are less than helpful. I am not sure whether you should harshly judge him for the inappropriate laugh. It would depend what he said when the MIL left the room. These situations are extremely awkward and WSes are not great at figuring out what you would want in a particular situation. One BS might want him to come out and tell the MIL right in that moment that you are triggered by that idea and she needs to be sensitive, another BS might want him to distract and switch the subject because they dont choose to be emotionally vulnerable in front of their MIL (and of course a million other possible responses).

It is very hard to deal with the triggers. In the best of scenarios it is 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. It is rocky.

The dog walker aspect caught my eye because our dog walker has been triggering me. She likes to text my husband and I with chatty messages emojis and pictures. Sometimes if I don’t respond he will and I find it intolerable to watch him engage in this chumminess. I think dog walkers make me anxious because they are in your home. What a violation the EA must have been for you. I am so very sorry.I wish you the very best in your recovery.

Am I comprehending correctly that your MIL was being a catty bitch by suggesting that you hire a dogwalker? Did she bring this up out of the blue, or was it in context with the conversation?

Was MIL being a catty bitch or just didn't think, then realized & tried to cover it with awkward laughter?

Was WH laughing because he's a freaking jerk or was it a lame attempt to diffuse the situation?

Triggers happen. And they can come out of left field. You need to take care of yourself extra in those moments.

Only you know the answers to the above. But if the answers are "catty bitch" and "freaking jerk" you have rough waters ahead.

IMHO now that some time has passed and dust settled, if you are still upset, have a heart to heart discussion w/WH. No good will come from silently stewing.

Triggers seem to be everywhere, my DDay was about a month before Thanksgiving and they are starting to decrease a bit but can still hit out of nowhere, over seemingly innocent things. We were at our book club together last night and the discussion turned to what would you do if you knew the date you would die, and people were bringing up being selfish and going for what you want without worrying about consequences. This was exactly what he did in the A (he had gone through a near-death experience right before and decided to stop denying "those feelings" for her). He didn’t realize where my mind was going but I had to excuse myself and take a walk outside to allow some tears to fall and compose myself before coming back to the group. When I told him afterwards he completely understood but was totally unaware that I was triggered at the time. He has been very supportive every time something triggers me, and this is so important. Sadly the OW has a very common first name so I run into that alot as well (when we were picking a counselor to see I immediately discounted any with her name). And don’t get me started on movies and shows—we are both very sensitive to that and turn off stuff right away. So as far as your situation, I would let MIL know that this is a subject that should most definitely NOT be joked about and she needs to be more sensitive to what you are going through. And your H needs to back you up and not laugh it off. Hopefully he is giving you the care and support you need to get through this. That is the only thing saving our marriage because it shows he is truly repentant for what he did. Don’t hesitate to take charge and let the people around you know what you need and what you won’t tolerate. Stay strong, you are not alone in this and we are all going through triggers as we try to navigate through this mess that we had no choice to be in. I do feel my responses to the trigger events are getting less overwhelming so realize it does get better with time.

Thank you everyone. I think my husband's laugh was really just to break the awkwardness of the situation. I don't know if my MIL was playing dumb or just trying to brush it off which is how they tend to handle things in their family. She knew all about this "companion" as my FIL called her. He apparently was out with my husband when he first met the AP who is a dog walker. Funny how it was okay for him to meet a dog walker at a bar and it wasn't awkward but when I brought this up months prior it was considered weird. (I guess he just liked the fact that she was 29 and flirting with him). FIL told me on DDay that she was a companion and "liked hanging out with married men". So my MIL knew all of this. I was so upset and I do feel like I need to say something. I think his whole family acts like I'm crazy because he "didn't have an affair" because it wasn't physical. He lied, broke my trust, hid this relationship, asked his father to hide the relationship and on multiple occasions spent time with her over his family, including when I was home sick with pneumonia and a broken leg. It just makes me SO mad. My husband and I have had good conversations about this and seem to be working on things but when his cousin says shit like, "29, way to go!" or his parents play it off I'm offended and upset he doesn't stand up for our relationship. I did just have this conversation with him and plan to bring it up in therapy today but I also am debating on talking to his parents about it as well. Just wondering if it's worth it.

Your H is the problem here. He's proud of snagging the attention of a 29yo, and he's getting back slaps and high fives from all the dipshits around him. He seems to be reveling in that instead of feeling disgusted by it. HE needs to be the one to shut them down and shut them up, not you. But will he?

Also, your FIL facilitated the A? That makes him an enemy of the marriage. Your MIL is poking fun. She's an enemy. The cousin is cracking jokes. Enemy. Your H is more worried about placating the enemy than rebuilding your trust.

It took me a long time to figure out the secret sauce that makes a marriage good and it's this: H and W must be on the same team and feel, think, and act like it's them against the world. Right now, he's not on your team. He's a traitor, not just with the AP, but with his family. He left you out in the cold to fend for yourself. Now you have to decide whether to turn around and walk away, or kick down the door and kick all those assholes out of your home and demand that H straighten up and fly right.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 3:15 PM, Wednesday, January 29th]

It took me a long time to figure out the secret sauce that makes a marriage good and it's this: H and W must be on the same team and feel, think, and act like it's them against the world. Right now, he's not on your team. He's a traitor, not just with the AP, but with his family. He left you out in the cold to fend for yourself. Now you have to decide whether to turn around and walk away, or kick down the door and kick all those assholes out of your home and demand that H straighten up and fly right.

Amen!