SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Storytime...because I think that hearing different stories and different experiences can make it feel like we aren't alone in this awful journey.

To start, my WH is a CSA victim. He was born with mild CP and needed physiotherapy with the school physiotherapist. The PT would come in and slowly groomed him i.e. a little touch here and a little touch there and then it evolved into full blown assault. It lasted at least a year. No one ever found out. My WH didn't tell his parents or anyone until he was like 23 (and that was me).

We started dated when we were 19 (me) and 21 (him). It was somewhat normal but as the "honeymoon" phase kinda wore off, his ED was more apparent and he wasn't able to really connect intimately. It was still good and all but was missing something (true connection and intimacy). Otherwise, we were a perfect match in every other way. We connected and always had the best time. We rarely fought (unless it was about sex or intimacy).

After about 4 years, moving out and becoming engaged, I was on our shared computer and went to go paste something that I had thought I had copied and instead pasted something he obvious copied. It was the beginning to a profile "Hi, I'm 6'4, slim build, etc". Once confronted, he initially denied it but then opened up about how insecure he was and just wanted people to comment on his appearance. He swore then (and to this day) that he never intended on anything more. I forgave.

Fast forward a few years and we were coming back from a family road trip (now with a 6 mth old in tow) and my phone died so I used his to keep occupied. I found a strange email signed in with all dating matches from ashley madison and untrue websites. He initially denied it but then confessed that he had talked to woman on the site about 4 months prior and they emailed back and forth for a couple weeks. He said they exchanged photos of himself (explicit) and she had shared photos of her chest. He said she would describe things she wanted to do with him. He would get off to the photos and her words. He said they didn't exchange any real personal info besides age, general location, etc and they never saw pictures of each other (minus the explicit ones). He said that once she started to ask personal questions i.e. hobbies...he knew that that wasn't what he wanted and he ended it. The kicker with this one is that he would go to his parents house at lunchtime (I was on mat leave at the time) and do all of this. He attempted therapy but the two he tried to see, didn't focus on his previous trauma much and basically sent him on his way after a couple of sessions saying he was good. I forgave.

Fast forward 12 years later, and we were fighting once again (about intimacy issues) and he left his phone in the room. I hadn't checked his phone in forever and thought why not. I saw a skype app. I found this weird and opened it to see messages from a woman and him. He would request that she watch him get off and whatever. He never denied this one (maybe the evidence was just too obvious) and told me that it had basically started 2 years ago and had started with watching porn. He said he started watching the regular, vanilla kinda stuff and then it started to migrate into watching men (even though he'd always identified as straight). He said it continued and he kinda thought it was a new kink or something. He said then it progressed to going into a chat room for cams. This is where he met the AP. Once again, he said he kept it very impersonal. He said that they never exchanged photos of each other or any information. She just basically watched him get off. He said this was relatively sporatic (maybe 6 times in 6 months). He said some of the stuff she said was weird and she had a raspy voice so he even questioned if she was a woman but didn't care either way. He said that he didn't really care who was behind the cam but just that someone was there to watch him. He said the same was with the last time. He didn't really care about who the person was but that he was receiving attention (he said the last time, the woman wasn't his type at all). He also came to this realization that his interest in the different porn (men) and detachment from these APs and everything was probably related to the CSA that he never really dealt with. He said it felt like two worlds collided and that it immediately brought up flashbacks and nightmares about the CSA. I could tell he was in a lot of turmoil over that. He started therapy immediately. A hard part of this one was that he basically used my schedule against me. I work nights so when I went to work, he would troll the chat rooms. This AP could only cam with him on wednesdays so on wednesdays when I was sleeping in the room next to our computer room during the day (he works from home), he would go on cam with her or attempt to. He even went so far as to try to cam with her during the summer when our kids were home. He would wait until they were asleep or playing in the basement but I hate that they could have been involved in something awful.

Since this last DD, I have been having the hardest time. I think that initially, we were in a state of hysterical bonding. For the first time in our 18 years of being together, we were able to have sex and actually connect fully. He was able to fully open up intimately. He seems like he is actually able to feel a lot more now where he always kept his emotions bottle up. Now (4 months later), we are still connecting insanely well intimately. I don't think we are hysterically bonding anymore as it seems to not be as instinctual or animalistic. We seem to connect on a deep level. I just feel like the rest of us is broken. I feel like this DD, shone a different light on the last DD. It wasn't merely a "mistake" but rather now a pattern. Also, I am so hurt that the sexual side that he had so hard of a time showing me (I always thought he had a low sex drive) he was showing to other women. I would like to stay with him as I still feel so much love for him. I am struggling to sleep after my nightshifts because I feel like I associate it with him cheating. I am struggling in the obsession over details and the anger I feel that he would do this and still be the loving father and husband. He told me that he would compartmentalize and would split his realities so in one moment he was the good guy and in another. He has learned through therapy, that he was most likely trying to recreate aspects of his CSA so it makes it complicated. He has also learned that through the CSA, he had this dark secret and as part of having not dealt with it, he was basically doing that again. It's obviously an awful thing he did but he has such an awful thing happen to him. I feel constantly conflicted. This has been one of the toughest things I have ever gone through. I feel anger, despair, anxiety, and fear a lot (just to name a few). I have bad feelings about the past and am so fearful about the future. I can't go through this again. As for the rest of my life - I feel very detached.

Any shift workers have tips for sleeping after trauma?

When does the anger start to subside a little?

When does the control over ones emotions return?

How do you deal with the guilt of feeling like a detached mom? I try to be there for my kids so they don't know anything is wrong but it's so hard.

[This message edited by TryingToSurvive44 at 9:22 AM, Thursday, January 30th]

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. The emotional swings? Normal. We call it the emotional rollercoaster, and it will take you on a ride almost any time. My IC helped me to regulate my emotions. With time and healing, the anger and other emotions can get better. Healing isn't linear, nor the same for everybody, so it's difficult to say how long.

For sleep, you may need to get something from your doctor. I found a guided sleeping meditation on YouTube that helps me fall asleep. The problem then became staying asleep. I was on anti-anxiety meds for about a year. I took them at night, and they helped.

It wasn't merely a "mistake" but rather now a pattern.

You're right. This is a pattern of behavior and if he doesn't dig deep & do the work to become a safe partner, the pattern will likely continue. He should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a fairly quick read. Another book we recommend is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

ETA: I'm also a CSA and didn't cheat.

[This message edited by leafields at 5:22 AM, Thursday, January 30th]

I work with kids and adults who have been sexually abused. They learn to keep a terrible secret. In the 50s there was a Miss America from a very successful family. Her father molested her for years and she tried to be the best person she could be but she finally fell apart. Please, you and your husband find her on YouTube. It is about 40 minutes if I recall. Her name is Marilyn van Derbur and she has made it her life’s work to help people get over the shame of it. Your husband needs EMDR or some other form of intense therapy because he can only heal his adult self after he has healed his inner child. Because adults are sexual beings damaged people often use it as a way to handle intense anxiety and I will strongly declare that is what is running his life.

Please let us know how you both are doing. I send you virtual hugs (((TTS444)))

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 10:46 PM, Wednesday, January 29th]

Working nighta can kill a person seriously. Night time is meant for sleep but as a nurse ai get the need to work nights. But I also fully understand how difficult it can be to sleep during the day.
So I can review sleep hygiene and things that may help..
1. Room is as dark.as possible
2. White noise either in an app or a fan or humidifier that makes white noise. Personally I did both whe. I worked nights.
3. Consistent bedtime. On days days off try to keep the night schedule.
4. Do the same routine prior to bed and when you lay down to sleep and can't fall asleep in the normal timeframe, usually 30 min or so, we are all different, get up.and start over with the bedtime routine.
5. If all else fails, talk to your dr about meds. There are good meds that won't be addictive and can help. Do NOT accept ambien, or lunette, these drugs are not safe and can cause issues. But things like trazadone, amitryptyline, and even low dose benzos can help.... avoid alcohol as.it is addictive and can help with falling asleep has proven to not allow deep sleep and frequent waking. So not a good choice.
6. If at all possible get on day shift.

He needs to go back into therapy, and way back to the CSA. He will resist it because it's the horrible place. If he does, and does the work (EMDR gave my H's his revelatory experience), he will understand himself and why he is doing what he is doing.

EMDR can give him what he needs to protect his little child part who had to endure all of it, and to heal. There are other modalities too, but that was what my husband did.

As for you, if you can accept the ED and the absent intimacy and everything else which came with it had nothing to do with him not loving you, his reenactment, and all the other complex details that come in the CSA suitcase, you get a trophy, whether you want it or not.

You certainly do not deserve being cheated of intimacy with the person you chose to share life with. For me it has been the right decision to stay, but he did work so hard that I never had doubts about his wanting to really fix this about himself -- once the s*** hit the fan and he had to otherwise I was out. I wouldn't have stayed if I wasn't convinced of it.

On a more pragmatic note, "obsess" on the details as much as you want to. Ask questions over and over. Of course you need to understand not just what was and is happening with him but what happened with your life while he was doing this. Who wouldn't? Couple that with heartbrake and betrayal, and all the profound confusion ... you have evry right to ask every question and have an answer.

After betrayal, the only way out is to say no to it. For you and him.

ETA: I'm also a CSA and didn't cheat.

leafields - I totally agree. I tell him all the time that it doesn't excuse what he did what so ever. Unfortunately, it seems like some people who have CSA in their background and never deal with it develop such poor coping skills or whatnot. It seems like any kind of childhood trauma can allow some to be more open to cheating than others. But like I said, it definitely doesn't make it ok or excuse what he did. It just makes it a little more grey than black and white for me. He attempted to get help before and was given false reassurance that the little bit of help was enough. Now he has an amazing therapist that specializes in male CSA but also infidelity so it seems like they are going in and dealing with everything.

Also, thank you for the book recommendations!

Cooley2here - thank you so much for your support! I don't have any family or friends to turn to so it felt a little freeing to be able to express so someone about my situation.

Tushnurse - I too am a nurse. Unfortunately, night shifts work around my kids' schedules. I have been working night shifts for 12 years and have a lot put in place to sleep well (except meds - which I would like to avoid if I can). I will try the repeating my bedtime routine though - haven't tried that one yet!

Elica - Thank you for all of your support! He is in pretty intense therapy and seems to be super committed to changing and breaking all patterns - cheating and intimacy. I think when I caught him this last time, he went into a revelatory experience. I remember just staring at him because it was like he was losing it. He said that was when the compartmentalizing ended and he had to reconcile both his life with us and his secret life of cheating.
It definitely has been hard and it's almost like now that I was ripped out of what my life was - I am pretty sad for my former self. Especially now he is able to connect with my in all intimate ways. It really makes me aware of what I have been missing this whole time.

I am very sorry you're here.Since you've been betrayed, though, we can help, and I hope we actually do help.

So many BSes report problems sleeping that it's probably a universal problem. Sleep comes back after be traumatized when you're exhausted and when you have processed a good deal of the anger, grief, fear, shame, and whatever else you're feeling. Sleep will return when you reach a level of calm that sleep needs, and that always takes longer than anyone wants it to take.

IMO, the only way to heal is to acknowledge the emotions and process them out of one's body. A good IC can help. But that's JMO - there probably are other ways to heal. I'm sure there are other ways to word a prescription for healing.

Be kind to yourself now (and forever ). You've taken a big hit, and you need to devote some of your energy to healing. Anything you do to keep from beating yourself up frees energy for you to use elsewhere - being kind to yourself, dragging yourself to work, even calling in sick if you believe that you won't be effective.

What support do you have? Friends who will listen? A pastor/minister you trust? A good IC? Can you tell your boss? (An effective boss will adjust where they can.) By all means run your thoughts by SI, but we may not be able to respond quickly, and writing/reading is very different from speaking/listening.

And have faith in yourself - you know a lot about physical healing. Emotional healing is a little different - fewer meds and equipment and more getting out of one's own way. But you CAN survive and thrive.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:28 PM, Thursday, January 30th]