SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Caution lots of spoilers ahead. The movie is a dream for the Ester Perel crowd who thinks that affairs, especially for women, can be a growth experience. Anyway..

My girlfriend was supposed to go see the movie with a friend. Turns out the friend got Covid and couldn’t go. The tickets were already purchased and when I asked what time the movie was she told me she wasn’t going and the reason and she would just eat the tickets. I offered to go with her. She knows everything about my history and was adamant I not go, but after a while I convinced her I would be ok. She was apprehensive, but we went. I am so far out of this that the subject matter was not triggering, but while not triggering, how everything was portrayed made my blood boil.

Thumbnail is The high powered wife who is married to Antonio Friggin Bandares is not getting the sexual satisfaction she wants after 20 years of marriage. In every other way he is the perfect spouse. Attentive, great job, great with the kids and household. And it’s Antonio Bandares so not bad on the eyes.

She meets this guy who is 25 years old who she develops a highly sexual relationship with. She is used to dominating everyone around her, but he becomes her DOM and soon enough aside from doing it every day and everywhere, she is drinking milk out of a bowl on her knees in front of him. He is also hanging around her house and interacting with poor Antonio who has no clue.

Ok pretty much standard cheating story and nothing with getting pissed about. She starts getting nasty with Antonio telling him that in 19 years she has never had an orgasm with him. This gets him thinking and pretty much things unravel from there. This is where my blood started boiling. Antonio finds out and then finds her with him in their house and he fights the 25 year old but has a panic attack. Then the two start to take care of him and the looks of pity is disgusting. But hey, even if you were banging my wife in my house doesn’t mean we cant all be friends? He is portrayed as the weakest guy ever.

Flash to the future. Romy, the wife, gets her lover a great job in Japan, and the movie ends with Antonio having been taught by Romy all the tricks that her lover used on her and we see her orgasming with him, while Antonio has the biggest smile on his face that now things are great and he can use these tricks to make her so happy. The movie ends with her visualizing her lover while Antonio is pleasuring him with the meaning being she still thinking about him and how he helped transform her life into something great. WTF?

Now we don’t know if they did therapy, but the timeline did let on that it couldn’t have been long.

The movie is perfect for those WS who thinks that the affair is justified if it brings a better marriage. To me, it glorifies affairs and glosses over the tremendous damage they cause. This movie celebrates it. My guess if someone who is on the brink of and affair sees it, it might push them over to actually have one. Why not? Things will end up even better. It also carries on the tradition of most films where the wife cheaters that the husband is abusive ( obviously not this case) or where the husband is a weakling and clueless which is the basis of most of the Lifetime stuff where the wife has to save the husband from her deranged AP but things are always better in the end because is make him more attentive. Definitely the case here.

While i didn't trigger with the subject, the last scene where she is having sex with her husband, yet picturing her lover, did bring up the thoughts of what my EX really thought about the sex they had which while not exactly the same, was way out of what we did. How much of that did she remember with fondness and excitement? She swore she didn't, but my bet if Romy was confronted whe would say the same.

Not sure about who on the site ventured to see it, but proceed with caution.

What a horrible movie plot.

I saw the preview and it was a hard NO for me. We are avoiding any movies around this topic as it triggers me about his affair, makes him horribly uncomfortable and destroys him when he sees how upset I get. So we are both very cautious about what we watch. Thanks for the warning. And honestly, who could ever believe Antonio Banderas can’t give a woman an orgasm??!!

The film would be a major ick for me.
Thanks for the heads up.

I am all about consent. If people wanted this sort of arrangement then let the bs chose if they wanted to be part of it or not.

Such is the corruption of the age we live in. Affairs are glorified everywhere....and trust me friend...it will only be getting worse. The new thing with "non monogamy", and even the sick "cuckhold" crap that is now being mentioned more often...disgusting. It is a lie and a device of the enemy of humanity. Little do people know the utter destruction this crap really causes. God help us.

BTW....I read your whole story, and I have to say it is possibly the most heart wrenching experience I have read about on the forums. I am glad you have recovered. Any grandkids yet? Just wondering. May God bless you friend.

I can't watch shit like this. Thank you for the heads up. Can't stand Esther Periel either. I read your story too - heart breaking. Mine is somewhat similar but I never got all of the graphic details. I knew there was a bunch of parking lott sex. It's all sick twisted shit. I still have young kids in the home which is terrible.

Even when infidelity wasn't part of my life, I would never choose a movie life this. And don't get me started on The Bridges of Madison County.

I feel the same way about the movie Beaches. 😡

I would never have a friend like Bette Midler. I don’t see it as a movie of "great female friendships".

Same with the movie the Wedding Planner with Jennifer Lopez. She’s cheating on her client and it’s not a great love story movie. Far from it.

Thanks for the heads up on this movie.

And honestly, who could ever believe Antonio Banderas can’t give a woman an orgasm??!!

This comment by Alteredreality wins the Internet today.

And yes, leafields, The Bridges of Madison County. Even when I was young, I thought that move was horrible and cruel. My friends and their mom's [yes - their mom's too] thought I didn't have a romantic bone in my body. Even as a teen I would reply - romance yes, tolerance for infidelity no. They actually felt sorry for me.

I saw the movie.

I can tell you that I never thought of what happened with the AP and used it as a fantasy. There were times for me in the first year after that when my husband and I were connecting intimately that I would have intrusive thoughts about what happened with the AP. It would jar me that I let someone else so close to me in these intimate ways. It generally would ruin sex for me when it happened, I would spiral into deep shame.

For me, I saw the movie as her being repressed and not communicating her needs or fantasies with her husband which put a chokehold on their connection. She had an affair with someone so inappropriate, someone who could never be her equal partner, and who she was risking her career and marriage for to explore this repressed side of herself. I agree it’s a little Esther Pearl in she says that people often have affairs to meet other versions of themselves. This was true for me.

And while I would never say that it enriched my relationship, because something that critically injured your relationship and alters it forever is not enrichment. I will say that it was a wake up call for me that I was repressing myself to the extent that I didn’t know what made me happy anymore.

I am not sure the movie would sway someone with a good moral compass to believe that it’s a good idea to have an affair. I think realism also ruins escapism and the movie is about escapism. In all reality, maybe some ws can still be turned on by thinking about the sex with AP. But not a remorseful one. Someone who is truly remorseful and hates what they did would be so turned off at those thoughts. I don’t have them much anymore because as the years have gone on I don’t really remember much about it anymore. It’s never been something I wanted to go over in my head, and since it has always been a source of humiliation for me ever since it ended I likely have blocked some of it. I still sometimes when I am so enjoying being with my husband will feel shame that there has been anyone but him.

I can’t speak for your ex but given a lot of the similarities that you and I have discussed over the years I would almost bet money she was more like me than an escapist movie where there literally were no consequences explored.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:23 PM, Friday, January 31st]

Hi WWTL. I hope you are doing well. You are a good guy and there are not many of us left:)

Infidelity is a life-long, "gift," isn't it. It wasn't a choice of ours to be here our WW choose for us. Sure we can leave, but that isn't a great option either is it.

The portrayal of a BS in this way reinforces a stereotype. Further any wayward spouse in a wayward mindset could easily take this fiction as a fact. Esther Perel? No thanks, I don't need art therapy

Antonio is portrayed as a weak doormat. As a BH myself, who had to have gargantuan strength to get out of bed most days and even more to offer grace and a second chance. . .No wonder most articles and resources about infidelity assume the betrayed spouse is female.

I would like to see the ending where Nicole Kidman gets caught uses the fog to abuse her spouse while not telling the truth and rubbing Antonio's nose in it. Her AP disappears. Antonio Ds her and she is left all alone with her family wanting nothing to do with her.
While Antonio meets and marries someone who loves him for him and lives happily ever after.

It wouldn't sell tickets, but it is closer to the truth. Cheating is destructive in any form and never justified.

BTW First big trigger my W had in years was seeing this trailer. I think most remorseful WS would see this movie in a similar light as BS's, albeit from a different perspective.

More actors to avoid watching since they are supporting a narrative that has hurt me over the last several years.

I 100% understand why this bothered you.

I wasn't planning on seeing it anyway because the image 'babygirl' triggers thinking about CSA, even if the babygirl is an adult. Now I am even less interested in watching it.

Horrible story. I think I've read that some people say it's about women's empowerment. You describe something that is based on lies. Lies can empower people, but ... . I'd rather be honest, I think.

Thanks for sharing this info.

I'd rather go see something uplifting ... Mel Brooks....

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:09 PM, Friday, January 31st]

Hard pass. I actually thought it was invoking an actual term being used by Gen Z girls to describe boys who behaved androgynously. It didn't seem appealing then and definitely not now.

I think another one that deserves a lot more scrutiny is "Indecent Proposal." The book is pretty different. While there is a $1 million sex romp, the woman doesn't immediately run back to the POS billionaire the moment there's understandable tension in her marriage.

I always thought it was cruel that the character was written to have abandoned her marriage for the guy who bought her and couldn't see how she was a sympathetic character after that.

[This message edited by 1994 at 9:48 PM, Friday, January 31st]

Earlier, adultery-based movies justified the wife's affair by making the husband an abusive or neglectful piece of shit. Now there has been a shift. Instead of being toxic or cruel, husbands are shown as perfect in every traditional sense, caring, responsible, and devoted, but physically weak or lacking sexual prowess, as if that alone makes infidelity justifiable. It is ridiculous. At least earlier, filmmakers acknowledged that adultery is not ideal in most situations. Now it is being portrayed as not just justified but almost necessary for a woman’s self-discovery and empowerment. It is as if commitment and loyalty have become outdated concepts. Honestly, it feels like these movies are made by people who are trying to validate their own infidelity.

"Honestly, it feels like these movies are made by people who are trying to validate their own infidelity."

Bingo.

Very interesting responses. I agree with those who cited Bridges of Madison County. Again, another story that follows the Perel philosophy of of WS, and she does this more with WW, that affairs bring enlightenment and opportunity for growth rather than the destruction that most of those here can attest.

I saw Unfaithful. Though that subject was the same, hot stud that Diane Lane can’t resist (again who cheats on Richard Gere!) but at least she feels remorseful about the affair and though ambiguous, their lives are destroyed if he turns himself in. In one of the scenes, Diane looks back and thinks in a flashback of if she walked away their lives could have gone on and they would have been happy. But again, she showed remorse, or at least an understanding of how destructive her actions were.

Hiking, your response as usual was very insightful. I think however your experience was different than what happened here, and what took place in my situation. I have the understanding that your AP wasn’t some young stud and you were a one and done which doesn’t leave much room for the fantasy to stay with you. Here she was a 49 year old woman having great sex, and a lot of it, with a 25 year old guy. The situation was similar to mine. Younger big strong macho guy, lots of sex, and sex that she didn’t want to do with me. Like Romy, my EX did have lots of things that she could have drawn pleasurable memories from. The only thing that might have prevented those thoughts was the humiliation he put her through at the end, and my reaction which was 180 degrees of what Romys spouse did which was have her teach him her AP’s tricks. My EX of course was emphatic that she she didn’t, but again, who knows. My reaction was swift, hard and pretty much unforgiving. She lost everything that was important to her, but had things worked out I’m still not sure how she would have viewed the affair.

Hiking, what was your take on the ending? Did she have any remorse or is she happy that everything got tied up in a nice package with a bow on it ? There is another scene at the end where some obnoxious older guy knowing about her affair propositioning her. The movie made it seem like she was done with the cheating. I have a different take. This guy was gross, but what happens in the future when she has another opportunity, but it’s with another hot young stud. My guess is she goes for it as her consequence was not only not negative, but actually really positive for both her and her BS. Of course that is speculation. Maybe the tricks she taught Antonio was enough, but why not learn more?

The bottom line for me, and what was so distressing was the positive way this whole thing wrapped up.

Reads like it’s some ridiculous cuck writer’s fantasy!
How does an actor read a script like that and think it’s a good story!?

Numb&d thanks for the kind words and to the others who read my profile.

Twin flamed. I totally agree.

I didn’t identify with the character in any other way except understanding the repressed nature of her character in never expressing what would work better for her, and I believe that I was looking for some alter ego to be someone I wasn’t. In some ways I do believe that’s who she was sexually, but her being the CEO and him being an intern, it took a lot of projection for her to think of him as dominant or powerful.

My affair wasn’t really one and done. Yes, the physical happened on a business trip but it was three nights and two months of sexting. Yeah, he could have been my father that part is true but just like in the movie I projected things into him. I think the difference is the baby girl character was more focused on the sex and physical side and I for sure was more wrapped up in the emotional. The sex for me was performative moreso than intimate.

I don’t remember you saying your wife had anything emotional going on with him. So it might have been sexually fueled. I personally think she just wanted to know she was still desirable knowing what I know about midlife crisis. But it’s hard for me to think your ex could have good feelings over a guy who let his crew know what was happening behind the door so they could all laugh at her. Generally she sounded very remorseful over her decisions in the aftermath. It’s difficult to have such difficult consequences and not hate what happened. I am not saying she didn’t enjoy it at the time. I have never claimed I didn’t enjoy it at the time either

It’s also the way she really made a big deal of making things romantic with you prior to the affair that makes me believe that sort of thing was more likely representation of who she was and what she truly liked. But I am not in her head at all, and I suppose anything is possible.

Anyway I am not trying to convince you of anything. I trust you know the situation better. I am just analytical and it’s food for thought.

No, there weren’t any consequences or remorse in the movie. I think for some that’s realistic, that they never really feel remorse. But generally you don’t see the bs be just fine with that either. There was no realism in the movie when it came to the aftermath. I find it hard to believe any couple could truly reconcile without the ws having deep remorse because even with the remorse it doesn’t guarantee anything. And I don’t think that you can be truly deeply sorry about something and still find enjoyment thinking about it. But, everyone is different. I personally can’t understand it though.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:04 AM, Saturday, February 1st]