SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

I'm new to this board, so please forgive me for the rambling post. Roughly 3 years ago, I discovered (10 minutes after being intimate) that my partner of 16 years had a girlfriend. He was pushing 40 at the time (I was 36), and the girlfriend was a beautiful little 24-year-old co-worker who doted on his every word.

I am a decently successful, attractive professional, and, at the time of my D-Day, I would say that I felt pretty good about myself. I acknowledged my imperfections (of which there are, of course, many)--but I really did not spend a great deal of time dwelling on them. I believed I was a good catch, and I was absolutely livid when I learned what was going on behind my back.

In the weeks and months following D-Day, I came to understand that my partner was deep in the throes of a very clichéd midlife crisis. I'm talking new car, new tattoos, new hobbies, new sense of style -- you name it. He repeatedly assured me that he loved me more than anything but that he despised himself and had no idea who he was or what he would become after 40. He also told me, for roughly 4 months after D-Day, that he believed he had fallen in love with (and was very attracted to) his 24-year-old girlfriend, though he had stopped seeing her because his love for me and our life was purportedly much deeper. Then, around month 7 or 8, the affair fog seemed to lift, and he told me that he found the girlfriend "repulsive" and believed she was a bad person.

Fast-forward to today. My partner is now 43, and he seems to have completely moved past mid-life crisis mode. We are still a couple, and he is present and supportive at home and seems to be thriving at work. While the girlfriend is still his co-worker, my partner assures me that he does not have contact with her -- and I have seen no evidence to the contrary.

Despite all the foregoing, in an unexpected turn of events, I believe that I am now entering my own version of a mid-life crisis. I am about to turn 40, and I find myself spending a great deal of time obsessing over my imperfections and comparing myself to that beautiful 24-year-old who blew up my life 3 years ago. If I allow myself, I will spend hours a day combing through her social media photos and beating myself up over the slight fine lines on my face, the errant gray hairs that pop up every so often, and the extra 5 pounds I can't seem to shed from my thighs. I am painfully aware that I cannot compare with a woman in her 20s in the appearance or "fun" department. On a good day, I do not care too much. But on a bad day, the negative, obsessive feelings can be debilitating. The cherry on the sundae is that whenever I am intimate with my partner now, I wonder whether he is thinking of her. Why would he ever want me after loving someone who looked like her? Does he daydream about her? Does he stare at her longingly at work? Does he feel disappointed to have ended up with someone like me?

These are the thoughts that run through my head far more often than is healthy. Has anyone experienced something similar? I realize that my emotions may seem petty and rather immature -- especially 3 years later -- but they are incredibly difficult to navigate nonetheless. Infidelity haunts me in a way that nothing else ever has.

I would appreciate any advice you guys can offer. Thank you. <3

And he hasn’t left that job why, exactly? Seems like he could have added new employment to the mid life crisis pile.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 12:25 PM, Wednesday, February 5th]

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources, if you need them.

For me, I found a YouTube video of I AM affirmations. It was a little over 10 minutes long and I ran through the affirmations every day for a couple of months. I picked the one where I began bawling my eyes out when it first started.

Next, I started a meditation schedule. It helped me learn how to take a deep breath and refocus my center. It really helped my concentration, which was shot. Then, I did mindfulness work and learned to stop when I started to have negative self-talk. One exercise that I did for quite a while was a journaling exercise. First, write down the negative self-talk I did during the day. The next section was to pretend a friend just told me what I'd just written and how would I respond. The last paragraph was to write a more realistic and less pessimistic view. It really helped.

You need to become a BASGU - bad ass sparkly goddess unicorn (Thanks, Chaos!). You are the prize. Repeat that - you are the prize. Go buy the prettiest undies and things that make you feel good. Wear them all the time. Find a couple of outfits that make you feel like a BASGU. Wear them, too.

Study has shown that your brain will create neuro pathways and will automatically take those pathways. It could be that you've burned some bad neuro pathways and need to create new ones. You can do that by playing some video games, such as match 3 or find 3. Sounds weird, but I found it to be helpful in getting my brain out of going down some obsessive patterns that I had.

Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, Shakira, etc. Behati Prinsloo (Adam Levine's wife) is a Victoria's Secret underwear model. All gorgeous, and all were betrayed by their SO.

To me, the AP is the ugly one with ugly behaviors.

Ugh. It's a shit show. Sorry you have to go thru this, but you have all of us now. Deep breaths. I have recently joined 2 new groups of women, and I meet with them weekly. I haven't shared my story with them yet. And, not sure if I will. I meet up with them and we have a great time. They are all about my age. One group is a knitting group. We bring our projects and chat about all kinds of topics. Great time once a week for several hours. I highly recommend that you join something that you enjoy - where you can get distracted from this mess. Also, as many here recommend - get an IC to work through your feelings. I also have my Lord God, who is with me every minute of every day. You know what you need, or you will once you can settle yourself. It will pop in your head. Try to only think about what is happening with your WH certain times of the day, then push it away and try to focus on something else. Keep posting - it helps.

The ONLY thing special about her was 1. She was willing. 2. She believed whatever lies he told her to continue feeding his midlife crisis damaged ego.

And, he’s a dumbass. He needs a new job.

He’s around her every day; could probably get her back if he wanted.

But he’s with you.

‘Nuff said.

One of my stipulations was my H had to quit his job after d day. No questions asked (she was a co worker) . He put his months notice in with nothing lined up. We have four kids and two with special needs, I would have rather suffered financially for a bit than ever suffer mentally and emotionally due to him being around her.

Thankfully he got his shit together and realized he was worth more and found a job marking $10 more an hour…. Which helped tremendously with his self esteem and life crisis. He had nothing lined up but showed me that we were worth the risk and rhe effort into findinga new job and his self worth.

I’m sorry you’re here and I’m sorry he’s still working with her but I think because he’s still there could be partly why you’re still obsessing?

You are the prize and you always have been, I just don’t see how people can stay working with their AP …. That should be a deal breaker imo.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 4:21 AM, Wednesday, February 5th]

I’m going to chime in as well and agree with the others who have commented. He should of found a new job asap after Dday. I would probably feel the same way you do if I were in your shoes. The fact that they are still coworkers after 3 years, regardless if they have no direct contact at work … it’s waaaaay to "close to home." He needs to look for other employment … I can assure you that this will help ease your obsessive thoughts and reclaim back some of your self esteem.

I am approximately a year and a half out from D-Day and my WH worked at the same place with his AP . I didn’t think it really bothered me that much as I know they were not in the same department and I had old friends over there who would tell me they avoid each other like the plague lol. But just recently WH got a new job and the company is shutting down so they will never work together again and let me tell you how much of a relief it was. Shocked me actually.

My WH affair partner was 23yo and WH 41yo so very similar to your situation. I originally had self doubts but then like you realised and know how successful I am in life (other than marrying a cheating scum bag 😂) and that I would have felt shit no matter who he cheated on me with. At the end of the day physical attributes really mean nothing, being kind, loving and having morals is so much important in life.

You are the prize 💚

Thank you, everyone. I so appreciate it. I am still digesting all of the advice--but I think I am going to have a serious talk with him about finding new employment. I don't know why I thought I could just suck it up and move on with him still being there, around her. That was naive of me.

In any event, thank you for the kind words. <3 <3

I wanted to underscore what Lea had to say.

It’s important you spend time thinking about this not through his lens but through yours. You are basically saying by looking though his lens you can’t compare because of very superficial reasons.

The truth is there are hundreds of reasons to love you. The skin suit your soul wears has nothing to do with your worth.

I wrote down three things a day I liked about myself. I have a loving heart and am kind. I am good at solving problems. I am a good mom. Whatever it is.

His affair was based in superficial things and you can’t use that lens to look at superficial things about yourself.

I know it’s tough to break rumination patterns what helped me the most was reading "the power of now" by Eckhardt Tolle. He teaches you to change your relationship to your thoughts. It’s heavy reading and take a a while to practice but if you do it the big reward is having better thought quality and being able to stop the rumination.

I have been where you are and it’s hell. Pure hell.if needed also enlist the help of therapist. You have just become addicted to this line of thinking and you need strategies to break free from it. The freedom that comes from that work is so sweet and you are very deserving of that. After all, you did nothing wrong. Your husband cheated to try and make himself feel better not because you aren’t good enough.

I am so sorry you are feeling so down about yourself. My husband's affair was with a woman who won local and state beauty contests... can you imagine how I felt. It was a blow and as you I was considered a "catch" and boy did I go spiraling down. I met with a counselor and something she said resonated with me. "How would you feel if he dated someone who looked just like you, etc, etc? How would you feel if he was dating someone 10 years older? How would you feel if he was dating someone not attractive whatsoever?" In the end, all these scenarios would make me feel pretty yuck either way. Did your partner ever go to therapy and what did he do to try to heal the relationship? These are key to helping you heal and also no contact with her whatsoever. Remember God made you a unique masterpiece. Be thankful for your heart, your talents, and your body. Don't let his indiscretion destroy what you know to be true.

I can understand your feelings. My wife had a highly sexualized affair with a way younger, fitter, and kind of a rough bad boy. I had issues with this for a long time. They can swear that they had no feelings for them, which may or may not be true. But a visual comparison doesn't have as much subjectivity.

I know in a dating site, with no details, his picture would have been swiped, and mine wouldnt have.

You however seem to be in a good place. He has decided that love was more important than youth.

I do agree he should not be working with her

I don’t agree with this. It seems almost like OP should be grateful she was chosen rather than WH should be grateful he was not tossed out like the garbage he was.

He’s around her every day; could probably get her back if he wanted.

But he’s with you.

‘Nuff said.

Sadly many of us experienced that being "with us" didn’t prevent them being with someone else. Literally the definition of cake. Absolutely can’t just "trust" the one person who betrayed you so horribly.

It's been years since I've been on this board; D-Day was over 10 years ago. But for years after D-Day, I used to have that same haunting thoughts like you whenever my wayward wife and I were intimate...

So I decided to go rogue - I paid for high end escorts (~$1000+/hr range, so these are not the "typical" hookers found on the streets LOL), and met up with them and see what sex with young, beautiful and highly skilled women would be like, and see if that would help get my mind off of the haunting thoughts/imageries of my wife and her AP. Yes, I knew this would mean I'd then become the "revenge" cheater, but I figured I have a lifetime hall pass to do whatever the f*** I want. :)

To cut the long story short, yes, afterward I would once in a while had imageries of these women, but they were all super short lived. I can barely remember any of them now and I don't long for being with them. Keep in mind, these were arguable the most beautiful women I have ever seen, in real life or on the internet. Perhaps my mind knew that I paid for their services so they probably didn't have pure intention, but they surely acted like they were my very best girlfriends when I was with them. Doesn't matter. I proved to myself the point that my wayward wife likely does not have any daydreams about her AP since I don't have any daydreams about these other women.

Tobster,

OP didn’t express any concern about her FWH continuing to cheat.

She was concerned about her self-image, which is what I was addressing.

Jrm, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. A partner’s affair can do a number on your self esteem. I can’t say I have my act together completely, but I have developed a well of contentment with who I am as a person in the wake of my husband’s infidelity.

A big resource that helped me was Stosny’s Living and Loving after betrayal. It helped me clarify my values and rest in my value as a person.

The other process that helped me was rejecting comparison. It took me a couple of years to get totally through it, but I consciously rejected any thought that came into my head comparing me to my husband’s AP. It might sound weird, but I reject not only the comparisons that put me in a less favorable light, but also those that put me in a more positive light.

At the end of the day, I am who I am. There are people smarter than me, prettier than me, more successful than me, younger than me, more creative than me—the list goes on. And my husband has the option of leaving me and finding someone else if he wants. But you know what? I like me. I like my own process of personal growth. I like being myself. I rest in that, and he can make his choices. It’s not a perfect system and I still have my issues I work through, but this way of looking at things gets me out of the competition spiral.

I feel like you are speaking what is in my mind.

My WH cheated while I was hugely pregnant with our now 14 year old son. It was a series of Craigslist hookups with several different women. While I was taking care of our 2 year old and pregnant with a second, and while I was the only one employed working as a physician. And he was a stay at home dad.

I was 35, he was 43. One of them was 20, going on 21.

To say my self esteem took a hit is the understatement of the century. It is still reeling and I’m still a mess. Prolly because he has not yet made amends. He is emotionally invalidating and uses more excuses than I’ve seen watching My 600lb Life.

Here is what I have learned. You can’t go to the source of your pain to feel better. And maybe that means you need to leave (I am currently figuring this out myself, now 12 years out from discovery day. This shit lasted two years.)

To keep going to the well of suck hoping to get water will only result in getting more suck. So stop.

Ask for what you want in plain language so your WS cannot gaslight you. If they don’t deliver, you have some decisions to make. Hell, even if they do deliver, you still can make some decisions.

They should not be your source of self esteem. You are putting your eggs in a broken basket.

Make your own basket. Be your own basket. And if they don’t show you a better time, you can leave. You can leave because you have intrusive thoughts about the AP. You can leave because you no longer like the way the way their breath smells. You can leave because you want to get your fuck on with a 19 year old. You can leave because they broke the deal. And you no longer owe them anything.

And never forget that just because you stay today doesn’t mean this changes tomorrow. You can leave in ten years because it’s easier for you to wait and you want to pilfer money away.

They broke the deal. You owe them nothing - except you DO owe yourself your integrity. However that looks.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 11:11 PM, Thursday, February 13th]

It is impossible for a BS to recover and heal without the WS not going NC with their AP.

There can never be NC when the WS still works with their AP.