SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I reread this to make sure I got it. You don’t go into much detail about her home life but it must have been bad for her to move into your family. So here goes a public service announcement. Children have stages of growth. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Anything that impedes any of those follows that child into adulthood. Foster parents are told not to buy new clothes for a new fc. Once they get 3 squares they grow 2or 3 sizes. Once they have some stability in their lives they can relax and often can catch up with their age group at school. I know way too many illiterate children whose parents seldom sent them to school. Lastly a child who lives in chaos, whose basic needs are not met, who seldom gets unconditional love stops growing emotionally. It takes all their emotional energy just to cope. Nurturing is just as important as food, clothing and shelter. Without it the adult looks grown but they are responding to life as a child. I’m guessing your wife sees a light shining somewhere that looks warm and inviting but she can never get there because the inner child running her life was never given the gift of emotional growth she needed. Have her see a therapist who deals in childhood traumas.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:03 PM, Saturday, February 8th]

Very wise advice Cooley.

Family member (in law) parents both died w/in 6 months of each other. I saw how the death was never dealt with and sent to live with an uncle who did the very best they could. However the in law spent their life trapped emotionally at the age of the parent’s death.

Sad to see - the help was there but was refused. And it was interesting to see the lack of skills as an adult and how it affected them.

One thing I noticed - never w/out a beer in their hand if possible to have one.

Childhood trauma must be dealt with.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:14 PM, Sunday, February 9th]

Yes I was absolutely worried about that. I contacted ap myself and expressed these concerns. He was actually very understanding. When he first contacted me he told her he deleted everything but one photo that clearly showed w face because he wanted to share it with me in case I didn't believe. When he did share it with me it was cropped to cover nude part.

W childhood was terrible. Her only parent was addicted to drugs and she was surrounded by drug dealing. Also, experienced some sexual abuse at the hand of parents partners.

When she moved in with us her parent didn't even care which kind of hurt w feelings a bit but was relieved that she had an actual home.

W childhood was terrible.

So was mine. Violent. Abusive. Constantly moving. Couldnt put down roots. Authorities called multiple times. Family interventions. Mental illness with hospitalizatioms. Alcoholism. The works. I wanted the exact opposite for my marriage and family and thought I got that with my first wife....ha! Betrayed me with my then "best friend". All the while I never failed her.

My ww? Stable home. Cleaver family (if you get that reference). Great parents, siblings and extended family. All of her siblings have long standing happy marriages and families. Faithful, loyal and committed couples who've been married decades.

Look, I agree that childhood trauma needs to be dealt with in therapy. I do. Those wounds dont go away. I know whereof I speak in this regard. It is an explanation for affected behavior. It is no excuse for the nuclear option of betrayal. Nope.

So.....back to the trap of altruism. Im going to encourage you to take a very strong stance on what youve required of her and dont back down. I fear that if you capitulate on anything, it will be seen as weakness and exploited.

Be strong.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 11:52 PM, Saturday, February 8th]

I hear you double traición. I get the reference too. All this that i share is the understanding part. I also understand that what ww did is unacceptable under any circumstances. She is talking about all her childhood trauma with a therapist. She shared all those details with me many years ago but I just assumed it was delt with water under the bridge so to speak.

Wanted to chime in.

My story is identical to DobleTraicion.

Absolutely chaotic childhood. No one I could trust. Foster homes, the works. Any social worker would have predicted drugs, jail or early death for me.

WW had the perfect childhood. Loving nuclear family. Upper middle class. Family respected in the small town. Religious. She was bright, did well in school without effort. Popular. Lots of attention from boys. Lots of attention from me.

She had "unmet needs" and cheated.

I didn’t.

I understand looking for an explanation you can live with. But be careful.

Also, my situation was the polar opposite of hers otherwise I don't believe that I would be so understanding or patient unfortunately.

Ooops...double post.

Formerpeopleperson, sorry you experienced that. Solidarity.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 2:00 AM, Monday, February 10th]

I'm a childhood sexual abuse survivor (CSA). I've suffered from depression and PTSD from the A.

A story from a relative...mom was saying a criminal. He was on work release but didn't have a job. BF stabs mom. Older DS is trying to stop mom's bleeding. Sends younger brother to neighbor's house to call 911. Mom dies. Older brother now ministers to others. Hasn't cheated on my cousin.

There's no excuse for cheating. None.

ETA: This happened when older brother was in his early teens.

[This message edited by leafields at 5:01 AM, Sunday, February 9th]

What I left out was genetics. Even though several of you had childhood trauma you managed to get to adulthood standing on solid ground. Another in your family might not.

Of my relative that lost their parents young, two of their siblings had lifelong addiction problems. My in-law used beer as their way of dealing with things.

One of the siblings never touched alcohol or drugs (due to both parents having lifelong addiction problems).

Last kid drinks like a fish but would be considered a functional alcoholic.

It’s sad how traumas are lifelong issues and left unchecked, cause even more problems.