Guilt, regret, and shame are all about how we feel about what we did.
Remorse is identifying with the victim of our wrong doings and understanding how it effected them. And using that knowledge to reform our behaviors.
If therapy is a choice, I would recommend it. Most who cheat are avoidant people who often do not communicate their needs or issues within the relationship because they do not like conflict and also fear of not being pleasing to the person and possibly losing them for speaking up.
One thing about shame to mention is it is one emotion that can be destructive because it casts judgment one who we are to the core. Guilt says "I did a bad thing" shame says "I am bad". When in all truth, yes you have adjustments to make on your self understanding and character, but no one is all good or all bad. We are all a combination.
I would reccomend the book "not just friends" by shirley glass. It’s a quick read but it speaks to the way we deny we are in a slippery slope with someone. It’s common for a ws to say "this is just a friendship" and ignore boundaries are being crossed even though part of us does realize it to be inappropriate.
Secondly I recommend the book "rising strong" by brene brown because it talks about how shame drives avoidance, and how to be brave in our vulnerability so that we can experience trie connection rather than just attachment.
It’s important to take full accountability for why and how you could cheat. None of those answers should be external to you. It’s not the relationship, it’s not the boyfriend. But the true power is to unearth those truths and start practicing to change them.
Here is an easy example: I think most ws feel a sense of entitlement. "He wasn’t giving me what I needed" or "I have made more sacrifices in the relationship" then loook at what the truth was. "I didn’t know how to tell him this bothered me" Then work researching communication skills and practicing them.
Also look at what accountability you have deeper than that. If, for example, you think"I sacrificed more in the relationship" is that really true or have you forgotten to pay attention and appreciate his contributions?
I think overall the answer to your question is more about focusing on moving forward. Doing the best things you can each day. Stay in the present as much as possible and start building a new track record with how you are conducting your life. When we know better, we do better, when we do better we feel better. Break that down into:
Knowing better: becoming aware of your shortcomings or things that you deceive yourself on. Look at toxic thinking articles because that helped me define my ways of thinking that we’re holding me back. Everything comes from the quality of our thoughts. Try and remember to talk to yourself like you would your best friend. If you wouldn’t say bad things about them why do you allow it to be said about yourself?
Meditation helped me. Some people thing meditation is about clearing the mind. For me it’s about being still and observing your thoughts without reacting to them in some sort of judgment. Eckhardt Tolle has some great podcasts out on that and his books are amazing but definitely takes a while to read them because you have to absorb a lot of his deep thinking. Still he changed my life.
Doing better means to be mindful of these tendencies and working on reversal techniques. Finding compassion with yourself in your failures and celebrating when you make better choices. Consistency is important.
This sounds probably very broad, and it is. But cheating is acting out. It’s a form of escapism. You have to work on the ways you manage yourself and your life in order to become a safer partner and a person you can be proud of. The more you do for this on your journey the better you will feel. The better you feel the more these new ways will become naturally who you want to be.
In the words of a great mentor of mine when I first arrived here: Proceed with Valor.
