SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am on day 4 since finding out, the first 3 days I moved out (my choice) as I couldn't face our home. My questions are this, for me to process this do I have to have more space away from him, right now I find it easier to be in his company so he can answer all my questions (timeline confirmed) having him around calms me, but once I am on my own my brain goes mental, not because I don't know where he is but I just need to be with him, is not taking time to be on my own going to cause issues later? Is it normal to seek his comfort even though he caused the hurt (no sex, just holding me), and lastly should I be feeling anger? I don't, we are both so broken, I can see he is hurting (and rightly so) but I still hate to see it, sorry for long post. The infidelity was flirty texts (no sexting) during working hours and some kissing on work night outs, all confirmed as much as it can be

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're here. Infidelity is the worst pain. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some with bull's eye icons that are really helpful. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a ton of great resources.

Everyone heals differently, so we usually say that you choose what works for you. Later, it may be that you do need to detach but the first part of healing is just to get through. We're here to help you get out of infidelity, whether you D (divorce) or R (reconcile).

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is another good read. He should be in IC (individual counseling) to work on becoming a safe partner. IC for you with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful.

Yes it is completely normal to want to be with the cheater even though they caused the pain and trauma.

Yes it is completely normal to want to be around them because you know they are not out cheating.

Only you know what you need and it’s different for everyone. Some need time and to be apart, others need to be together.

Please consider finding a therapist who has experience with infidelity. Some therapists who are not experienced with infidelity may try to blame the betrayed spouse by saying things like "what is your role in causing your spouse to cheat". If you hear that, RUN!

Nothing you did (or did not do) is a reason for anyone to cheat on their spouse / partner. Period.

Please continue to post here. We will support you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:15 AM, Tuesday, February 11th]

Thank you, WH has been trying to sort IC but he is looking at a 20 week waiting list!!! Gonna to ring more places today. I know I also need help to process this. I can't eat, can't sleep can barely function, there are a few periods in the day where we are together and normality creeps in and it feels nice then the enormity of what I am feeling and what we are facing hits be like a blow to the stomach. I don't want to tell anyone, my best friend is him, my confident was also him so this feels like I am adrift. I have spent days reading through so many people's stories, and realising one size doesn't fit all in these situations and I know I have to find our own path on this

Still normal. My experience was 3 months of life getting worse and worse, 4-6 months of plateau at a very low point, then a sloooow return to being able to feel joy again.

Have you and he spoken about the solution you want? If you both want R and if you believe him, separating does you a disservice ... if you live together, you can ask and tell him whatever you want when you want him, and it's easier to start rebuilding bonds and trust if you're with each other. You can also test his (and your own) commitment to R more easily together than apart.

If you're unsure of what you want, separation may or may not help you decide.

We both want to R, and I definitely find it easier when he is here as we can talk whenever I need or if a question pops into my head, plus I can see how remorseful he is, I was just worried this would cause issues down the line

Unfortunately you have to stop worrying about the cheater and start to put yourself first own healing first.

If you go to counseling and address your issues, as an example, the marriage has only one healed person.

Right now he needs to take care of his issues. Whatever they may be. He also needs to figure out how to help you heal.

In the meantime you need to focus on your issues. The pain and trauma of the affair will be a huge factor in your life. It is a slow healing process unfortunately. It took me 3 years before I finally felt like I was more of my old self.

I physically shook every day for 6 months. Lost weight I could not afford to lose. Slept 45 minutes a night got months 😡. But I knew I had to get past this. With therapy and counseling I did.

Now is the time to put yourself first. You need to focus on your healing not his.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:23 PM, Tuesday, February 11th]

"The infidelity was flirty texts (no sexting) during working hours and some kissing on work night outs, all confirmed as much as it can be."

How was the 'confirmation' obtained? I ask because as a general rule of thumb, whatever is admitted to is rarely, if ever, more than the tip of the iceberg.