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My WW minimizes her affair as not really being an affair. She claims there was no physical intimacy, but their relationship began as sexual video chats and moved into the real world as co-workers with a shared sexual history and a secret "just friends" relationship. The fact that she kept it all hidden for five years tells me everything I need to know about the character of their relationship.

I posted the normal welcome stuff in your other post.

Waywards are good at minimizing and lying. I'm so sorry she's doing that to you. I feel that it's a form of mental abuse.

She should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.

I’ve lived through the "no sex = no affair" mentality.

Do you think you can have an honest discussion with her?

Based on what you share.

"Not sex" despite sharing sexual video chats doesn’t make sense.
The intent is to sexually arouse the OP and probably herself at the same time.
Sexual video chats are sex. Plain and simple.
The argument is about as valid as the often-heard claims here like "since it was only oral it isn’t really sex" or "I didn’t orgasm so it hardly counts".

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You say he’s her boss. Still working together?
What sort of company? Is he the BOSS or is he a manager or does he report to someone? In nearly all companies (like ALL...) it’s a serious breach of conduct for managers to have sexual relationships with their staff, and when it does happen there is a need for disclosure to management. This "boss" can be opening his company to serious charges of sexual misconduct – even if the WW is a willing participant. She might have been "willing" to keep her job, or gain a raise or whatever.
Plus... there is no way she can work there with him anymore AND keep the marriage.

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So there was no sex and this all semi-innocent.
Has the OM wife been told? After all if this was non-sexual, innocent occasional sexting what harm would letting her know do?

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Working together in close proximity with plenty of opportunities to have sex... Isn’t it bordering naivety to expect you to believe that there was never AT LEAST some groping and making out? If she’s willing to expose herself online, then why not a quick BJ after the evening-meeting?
Not saying she’s lying... It might all be true... but it isn’t believable as is.

1eafields: I started reading NOT "Just Friends" yesterday. I was able to buy three books about all of this and have them delivered less than a week from D-Day.

The1stWife: We can have honest discussions to a degree. She is in what is called around here the fog concerning her behavior and its impact.

Bigger: Yes, they still work together. D-Day was just over a week ago. Them working together is a twisted tale in itself. They have a five-year long relationship that started online. I don't really know if they ever met in the real world before she got her job. The company is a car dealership and when she started there he was her direct supervisor. They both lied to the general manager about how he knew her. They cooked up a story about my wife being friends with his wife.

OP is in an open marriage according to WW. If true, I'm not sure if his activity with WW is out of bounds for their relationship. It's certainly out of bounds for me.

OP is in an open marriage according to WW. If true, I'm not sure if his activity with WW is out of bounds for their relationship.

As you’ve indicated she is not a reliable source of information, and she’s getting it from an even more unreliable source. I’d check with his wife. She may be very surprised to learn she’s in an open marriage. Even if they are open, married coworkers are usually off the table for painfully obvious reasons.

Leftdejected

Right now – with no advance warning or notification to OM or your wife – call the OMW and ask her if she is aware of the relationship between her husband and your wife. Tell her that you have been told they are in an open marriage, and if that’s true then this news shouldn’t really be "news" per se. Gauge her response – if she says yes, they are in an open marriage but she can’t talk now – she’s expecting the pool-boy any moment... well... then it’s true. Maybe your wife is also being honest about the no-sex aspect, and maybe unicorns do exist.

Keep in mind that a) "open marriage" is possibly the most common "excuse" we hear here, and it seldom is true. The OP spouse is generally hearing that for the first time. Also keep in mind that successful open marriages are based on rules and trust. Things like the spouse might have to approve or know of a partner, a limitation of emotions (open is not the same as poly) and so on. I’m guessing that even IF the marriage is open then the OM is not playing by the rules.

If OM or your WW get’s back to you all angry and flustered... well... "open" my ass...

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I have to be very frank.
I don’t really see much hope for your marriage as is. Your wife is having an affair she doesn’t acknowledge. She’s still working with her lover and there is no way you can feel assured that "going over sales-figures" into the evening isn’t really innuendo for sex.
I truly think YOU need to decide what YOU want and then go for it.
It’s not a great situation to be in. It’s a bit like being on the sixth floor of a burning building and having to decide if you are going to stay put, jump out a window, climb to the roof, or run down the stairwell hoping to make it past the flames and the smoke. About the only truly "wrong" decision being staying put with the smoke and the flames approaching fast.
I’m going to encourage you to decide what you want and what you can accept.

Like – honestly – some people can accept that their spouse has a lover. You could turn a blind eye and maybe OM tires of her, or maybe it really is only +5 years of online sex. Maybe things will be OK and you live a happy life.
Or... if this doesn’t meet your expectations in a marriage, then you need to understand that the only thing you control is YOU and YOUR actions.
Your actions of course can impact her and her actions, but not necessarily the way you want or expect.

At some point you need to be clear as to what you want, and what is a clear line in the sand for you.
I’m not saying your marriage is lost or you should file for divorce, but rather that in order to reconcile you need the affair to be over, a way to confirm that, a knowledge and belief of the truth, and accountable no-contact between your wife and OM, and a commitment from your wife to the marraige. As-is you have, IMHO, none of that.

I think you are looking for an excuse, a reason, so your WS’s story makes enough sense to help you calm down. You can’t because the primitive part of your brain recognizes incongruency. Her behavior is not that of a committed wife. Her language and her behavior don’t align. She is lying. You know she is lying and she knows you know. But. There was a politician who said if you tell a lie long enough it becomes the truth. Just remind yourself that if her lips are moving she is probably lying. Painful though that is you are putting up hard rock boundaries in what you will accept.
Until she recognizes how badly her behavior actually is you don’t have a marriage. And you may no longer want one with her. We don’t put cheaters in jail. The only recourse we have is letting go and moving on, or accepting and moving on. Revenge is a pipe dream. And resentment is corrosive. Figure how to have a peaceful life and work toward that.

Tell your WW that she has to take a polygraph test.

Then you must expose this affair to the O M W
with out telling your WW to prevent her from doing damage control by warning the OM.

It's possible your wife isn't lying, but I'd put money on trickle truth.