SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,
This is my first time posting so please be kind!
Looking for advice from those who have been through similar... Wondering if i am fighting a losing battle but i really don't want to part with my family.
Background - me and my partner of 15 years expanded our business last year (predominately his, I WFH doing the accounts & kids). He is very passionate about the business, and works 75+ hours per week, has done since we met due to the nature of his work. I have become more involved since it's growth due to me having more of a behind the scenes skillset.. HR/Accounting/Admin. We have two children (10&6). I genuinely considered us to be happily married and so fortunate to have found each other and be growing together.
I found out just after the expansion that he was pursuing a new member of staff, half his age at 22. I felt him detach rapidly, so found it out within 2 weeks of it starting - she very much reciprocated but left quickly after I found out.
We commenced marriage counselling, but over the period of 6 months following, i found out they were still in touch and secretly meeting from time to time.
During this period and just by awful chance, my sister died suddenly, my mum got a critical illness diagnosis and our dog died. I was absorbed in grief, unable to function properly (panic attacks/anxiety), and felt like my life was being shattered and i had no control. There was so much opportunity for him to stop but he didnt.
We didnt have time away from eachother, for the kids, and his promises to stop and remain loyal - we were planning another baby.
Fast forward to now, I am still experiencing paranoia and I still really struggle to go in to the business, it is tainted. We are still in counselling, and he wants to forget this has all happened, but I can't. I'm trying but his movements still feel odd, he goes to the gym late at night after work which is new, and whenever he goes distant or moves differently, I am almost certain they've been in touch with each other. It is very difficult.
I feel a lot stronger personally, and I will not turn a blind eye, but I can not figure out if my intuition is right and he is lying or i am completely off.
Sorry, this is long! I really want this to work and move forward, but it feels impossible while he's acting this way - I don't even know how i feel about him now? Is this a midlife crisis?! Do i sit patiently waiting.. How do I move..

Is this what reconciliation looks like?

No.

This is what cake-eating, gas lighting looks like.

You’re going to have to do more to get this stopped.

Sorry you’re here.

MrsB,

I know you posted in the Reconciliation forum - because that is what you want. But I suggest you go read in the Just Found Out forum and in the healing library.

You can’t reconcile with him if he is still pursuing the AP (affair partner). You can’t forgive and move on if he hasn’t changed his ways and his core being from a cheater to an honest and loyal man. Imagine he wrecked the car with you in it. It was his fault - he drove into a ditch while staring at the 22 yr old. You broke your leg, your ribs, and sustained a head injury. Now he is telling you to get over it. But your leg still hurts, you’re in cast and on crutches. Your ribs ache whenever you bend or laugh or rollover. You are plagued with migraines now. And he’s still turning and looking the AP every time you go out in the now banged-up car with the big dent and the side mirror taped on and something dragging underneath. How are you to get over anything? He’s not changed anything and you are re-traumatized just getting in that car.

Marriages can survive an A. BUT. But both people need to be 100% committed and the WS (wayward spouse) needs to be the one driving the change. The marriage didn’t cheat. He did. He needs to be in counseling to find out why he did this and how to change so he can’t/won’t do it again.

and before any of that, you need to recover. With my analogy, your bones need to heal and your brain recover. This takes time. Dont’ rush yourself to forgive him or even commit to staying. You don’t know if he is going to be able to R yet. So far he has not taken the steps to change his being.

You had so many major events happen in a short period of time - this is traumatic, as is his cheating. Please get an individual counselor (IC) just for you. MCs try to fix the marriage. Your marriage didn’t cheat - he did.

Above all else, know that you did nothing to cause or deserve this. It is 100% on him. It was not a "mistake". He made thousands of choices to betray you and your kids. It will take a lot for him to fix what he destroyed. BUT YOU — you will be okay. You will get through this one way or another. You are stronger than you know.

Keep posting and reading.

Premature marriage counseling is almost definitely re-traumatizing you and causing potential blameshifting.

You may have already heard things like, "You have to trust him or this won't work." Or, "Consider how your behaviors contributed to the degradation of the marriage that led to his affair."

But he hasn't proven trustworthy. Marriage counseling only works if you are both being honest.

He is not.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:36 PM, Friday, February 21st]

He goes to the gym late at night. 🚩

Did he do anything to help you heal? Or was it just a bunch of words and empty promises?

Thanks for the responses.

Another blow up today although I remained calm however frustrated - 3 different times he’s been to the gym but his gym is showing he hasn’t attended on his gym app - he says it’s been faulty on those nights… for a gym which has no staff, so I imagine they don’t often have faulty check ins. My intuition is really perking up 😫.

Equally found deleted photo which was showing a gold necklace from an online shop - a picture he either screenshotted or was sent, then deleted. I only wear silver and he doesnt buy anyone else jewellery.

What shall I do - how do I find the truth out?! And given that I almost certainly know they’re in touch, why won’t he just leave me for her?! Why is he saying one thing and doing another - it’s really messing with my head - or maybe I’m totally overthinking and I’ve gone crazy! 🙈