SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today is the 20th anniversary of my DDay. Amazing!

I haven’t posted to or read anything on SI for about 10 years now. But, lately I’ve been thinking about my longer-term feelings regarding my wife’s affairs, and I thought I’d write down some of them.

Basically, I’m wondering if there are any long-timers out there, and if you have any reaction to these feelings/thoughts.
Does anything resonate?

For anyone newer to the reconciliation process, please keep in mind that these are my feelings and experiences, so don’t immediately think that this is how your reconciliation will go, or what you’ll be left with. Do the work with your partner to make your situation the best possible.

So, here goes…

1) I think about my wife’s affairs every day. I don’t obsess over it, but it just seems to show up daily. I hate this, but I’ve gotten used to it. I wish this wasn’t true, but no amount of initial counseling and good life events seems to prevent this. My lasting thought always seems to be "Why did this happen?"

2) I think our marriage suffered greatly due to the affairs. I know that there are many folks here who talk about how much better their relationship/marriage is once they reconciled. But, I feel like we lost something that we can never get back. We were HS sweethearts since 15, and were each other’s first/only lovers (even remaining abstinent until marriage), and I always thought those were special qualities that made our marriage rather unique. It feels like we lost that uniqueness somehow.

3) I can’t tell my wife "I love you". I’ll say it in response if she says it (which is uncommon), but I can’t initiate it. She said those words to one of her affair partners, and I never really got over learning that.

4) After all this time, I still trigger a little when watching movies or reading books with adultery-related themes. I can deal with some of it in a plot, but it can’t be the central theme – I won’t watch/read it. I think my wife knows this, though I haven’t mentioned it for a long time.

5) We haven’t talked about the affairs for about 15 years. My wife answered all of my questions in the beginning year(s), and there’s really nothing else to discuss. Even if it’s on my mind for whatever reason, I don’t bring it up, since I don’t think she would understand or want to discuss it.

Don’t get me wrong. I have a good life with my wife – we enjoy each other’s company very much, and we do many things together. We’ve been married for over 40 years and have wonderful kids and awesome grandkids.

Though it was hard at first, I stayed in our marriage because I could foresee (or hoped for) those good things in our future life together. I was definitely in the "fake it til you make it" camp, and the years just sort of rolled along. I just couldn’t predict how I would feel about the affairs 20 years later. Now I know…

Paws,

I could have written your post almost word-for-word, so I won’t.

But, now that kids are gone, and it’s just her and me, I feel very acutely the absence of love.

I still love her, but I’ve had no choice over the years but to recognize and accept that she doesn’t love me; probably never did.

So I don’t regret having stayed together (the good outweighs the bad), but it was a mistake.

If my son married and one day came to me with my exact story (learned his wife was cheating, etc.), I would advise him to leave and not look back.

I'm one of those who chose to D, mostly for two reasons,I have a strong sense of fairness and justice, and the second, my WW was not really wired for change. (Kudos to all who have done the hard work.)

A small part of me has always wished things could have been different for my M and that WW had the ability to grow and change as a person, but I think I would be where you are after 40 years, the shiny part of our M forever tarnished.

I think your post is valuable as it fills out the spectrum of possible R scenarios for newly minted BSs. It provides a longitudinal perspective, something that is not always seen.

You dont soundd happy in the traditional sense (I've given up on happy in my life and settle for peace and contentment) I would ask this: are you content and at peace?

I'm 14+ years out.

1) I think about my wife’s affairs every day.

I don’t, even though I'm on SI pretty close to daily.

2) I think our marriage suffered greatly due to the affairs. I know that there are many folks here who talk about how much better their relationship/marriage is once they reconciled. But, I feel like we lost something that we can never get back.

I agree. It's not a big issue for me because I accept that I can't change the past.

I'd say you're special despite the A. HS sweethearts ... that's special.

3) I can’t tell my wife "I love you". I’ll say it in response if she says it (which is uncommon), but I can’t initiate it.

Me, too, but for a different reason. I used to say it a lot, but love wasn't enough to keep her from cheating. So why say it? I do say it once in a while, but I rely on showing love almost all the time. I take it in when she says it, but I don't reciprocate unless I feel it at the moment.

4) After all this time, I still trigger a little when watching movies or reading books with adultery-related themes.

Yup. Me, too.

Man, I think the problem is that we didn't trigger when we came across betrayal before our own d-days. It's very human not to recognize pain - or to laugh at others' pain - until we experience it ourselves, but I wish I hadn't been so blase about infidelity earlier in my life.

5) We haven’t talked about the affairs for about 15 years. My wife answered all of my questions in the beginning year(s), and there’s really nothing else to discuss. Even if it’s on my mind for whatever reason, I don’t bring it up, since I don’t think she would understand or want to discuss it.

That's not me at all. Starting about 2 years out, before asking a question I asked myself, 'What's the positive outcome I'm looking for with the question I want to ask?' If there was a positive outcome for me, I asked and still do. W may be a little uncomfortable, but she'll answer if she remembers, and she'll answer honestly.

Mr20, Thanks for writing! I wonder what I'll be thinking in 6 years....

I'm sorry for your discomfort. Has it reached an intense enough level to do something to change?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:25 PM, Saturday, March 1st]

Forty plus years and you never forget

Forty years before she would answer questions

Though it was unsatisfactory for all the I do not remembers because it was such a long time ago

One can not help to trigger, though as fast as they come they fade

Many good times, memories

Overall a good marriage for she is a good wife

The only regret was allowing the trickle truth to go for forty years.

I'm at 21 years. It's been a long haul.

Thanks for the responses. It’s interesting to hear from some others with long-term perspective, though I doubt that many 20-year folks hang out here 😊

I would ask this: are you content and at peace?

I would say that I’m at peace with the decision to stay together. Initially, I stayed more out of obligation to our marriage commitment, and not wanting to disrupt our family. This is common. I was also too stubborn to let our marriage fail. I’m content in the sense that I’m not looking to pursue anything different – we have too much time and energy invested in our lives together.

I'm sorry for your discomfort. Has it reached an intense enough level to do something to change?

It’s not intense enough to change anything. At this point, it would actually feel odd to split up, I think. It’s almost like there was some early timeframe to do that, and it gradually passed, so why bother now? I do enjoy spending time with my wife, and I don’t want to mess up my family (kids, grandkids) dynamic, which is really a blessing to me in its current form.

More thoughts about 20 years out…

One of the challenges that I’ve had all along the 20 years, is trying to come to terms with my wife being someone that did something that hurt me and that was not in her character, as I understood her. There’s this quote from Maya Angelou: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." My wife intentionally had several affairs - how can that not be a defining point for her? I don’t want it to be, but I find that this is part of how I view her now.

I don’t know if this is commonly felt among other long-timers, but I often feel like I have some mild form of Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder from this whole mess. Everyone has awful initial reactions to an affair revelation, and I had some really bad ones. Just to give some brief context:

- My wife was pregnant when she told me about the current affair. The child was not mine. I did not want to keep it – we went through family planning counseling. She miscarried after a couple of months. I think I didn’t sleep for about 4 months.
- It was not her first PA – it was her second long-term one during a 2 year period. And there were several "partial" PAs. All of this came to light during the post DDay week. It was like getting run over multiple times.
-I thought everything was fine in our marriage. She was working odd hours in a new field and got caught up in the "excitement" of it all, while I was doing my part by managing the house and teenage kids - trying to support by offloading things from her. So, I felt even more betrayed and taken advantage of.

Just writing this down (and there’s more horror that I won’t convey) makes me wonder how I/we even survived. Even 20 years later, the whole scenario still feels like a massive shock to me, if I sit and dwell on it.

I think that some of the initial points that I made in this post regarding my 20-year thoughts/feelings are a result of me not being able to fully let go of some of that trauma. 20 years later, it’s not the end of the world, and I do manage well, but it still sucks. But you all know that already by now, even if you’re not 20 years out.

I am eight years out from my affair, five from his and I still think about both at least once a day. A lot of times it’s fleeting, sometimes I work on something and may stay in that thought process for an hour.

I think we did work out a new marriage. I had to come to accept all the time that was wasted over very bad decisions. Years of unhappiness and loss. I have come to realize that to feel that way ignores all the productivity we have both made in gaining a deep understanding of ourselves, why we did what we did, and working on changing the things that was possible. What I think it boils down to us a lot to do with what narrative I attached myself to at any given time. Do I wish those years were just being proactive and getting that without betrayal? Yes! Of course! But recognizing that while it changed things for the worse there were changes for the better and I feel it becomes more manageable when I think about the better.

I think what helped our marriage the most was candid communication and mindful intention.

We still talk about it. Not the details of the affair really, like you and most people, that need expires. But we talk about our epiphanies and our feelings and when we struggle. We talk about the scars until it has become a shared loss. I think through keeping that dialogue open a new intimacy can be forged. But holding things in to go along to get along doesn’t give it anywhere to process.

All this to say, if you still do not understand how or why it happened, I think you should sit down and talk about it. I know that prospect is uncomfortable but I can’t imagine it’s more uncomfortable than holding it in. Having it be a taboo topic keeps a line of separation, where as open and honest communication can alleviate more than you probably estimate.

I do think your situation is different than most. She at some point decided she wanted to experience sex with someone else and did just that. However, not having done that yourself even though surely there has been curiosity for the same, it is harder to close that intimacy loop. It would be difficult not to feel more left out or feelings of injustice than had you experienced it with someone else as well.

But, if your wife has grown from this at all, she likely wishes she didn’t have that knowledge or may take the opportunity to talk about the ways she felt she betrayed herself.

I also think that talking through these things may bring about some discussions about improving the marriage you have now. You seem set on staying, you find value in it, what if more value could be brought into the marriage?

I have been around her a long time, and almost always when someone who is a long ways out, still married, but having these kind of thoughts- they are almost always males who stopped talking about it. Tried to hold it in and just keep going. I don’t think it’s that men are not emotionally intelligent or anything like that. But moreso fall prey to their programming of not talking about their feelings. Holding things in.

I know your wife can’t change what she did, but I would hope she gained perspectives over it that may be helpful to learn. Why did it happen? She felt entitled for it to happen for some reason or another. Most cheaters will tell you they felt they sacrificed more or deserved something to light them up. She was at the most common age of female affairs (same age as I was actually) it’s a common age for personal turmoil and likely used the affair as escapism from that. Whatever it was, it came down to her own lacking in character, appreciation, etc. she failed you, not the other way around.

I believe people can heal regardless of the outcome of their relationship. And I think there is still the potential for you to find healing as well. She may not understand the renewed discussion at first but she maybe more receptive to it than you think. After all of you think your marriage didn’t progress as fully as it could have there is a good bet she feels that too.

anyway, I think it’s at least worth a try to reopen the discussions. You deserve to understand better why it happened. You deserve to be able to express your discontent or discomfort.

Also a book that helped me understand that sometimes thoughts and narratives can keep us from healing and how to be more mindful of them is "the power of now" by Eckhardt Tolle. A book that helped me learn that our connection and intimacy was blocked by me not showing up in vulnerability was "rising strong" by brene brown. I read it once myself and then eventually listened to it together and discussed things in each chapter. This was an eye opened for both of us. Being willing to show up vulnerable is a hard and talk order but to repair the things you would like to repair, it’s not a one man job. It takes both people and it’s not too late.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:44 PM, Monday, March 3rd]

oh boy. . .how much time do you have?

My wife had an EA/PA many years ago. I would consider myself mostly happy and reconciled. I would point out that I am much happier in my M than I was prior to Dday. However I think that has more to do with my work in IC rather than my M. I healed myself, got help for PTISD and got rid of the co-dependece. In time I realized that my W A was all about her and her issues. I mean I was deeply wounded, impacted, but it was not a problem that was mine to fix. I was patient and waited for my W to get her shit together.

The advice I got here was golden,"You are never going to nice your W back into the M. Plus get some IC. It's her and not you. Don't do anything you'd regret later. Consistent actions that align with your WS words are the only thing you can go by."

At first the feelings are that if I stay M'd she gets away with it. Will she ever respect me after taking her back, did she ever love me? It is like a never ending reel of tortuous questions and thoughts. The discussions of if she loved me during her A still trigger me. Today, we agree she did not. To any WS this is a losing argument that avoids your true culpability in the destruction of your M. Take 100% responsibility for your hurtful choices. There are no awards for being the least "bad," WS.

I will say this . . .Had my wife not put 1000% into R and fixing her broken self we wouldn't be married today. R doesn't work with a WS that is not enthusiastically pursuing R and can get past their own insecurities to do the work.

The right IC is important. Sometimes we need help to see through the bullshit and help us re-ground ourselves in reality. Wishing for a different past is a waste of time. Being the one to give grace is easier that being the one needing grace.

Over time I see myself doing well and there are days I don't think about her A. Of course it comes up and my W is open to discussing it always. Actually she brings it up more than I do now.

My W shows me respect and love everyday. We communicate about everything to the point that it annoys our children. No, not perfect. It is close to perfect as any two damaged imperfect people can do.

I understand my story is more of an exception than the norm. I was lucky I had few things go my way, but I cannot overstate enough how much work we both put in to get here.

Life does go on. You need to determine the correct path for you. Working on yourself is the key. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. That is good advice for anyone.

I'm not 20 years out, but it's been a long while. I don't recall a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about it in some capacity.

Frankly, the success stories all seem to have some component of closure for the BS. I suspect you do not have that, or at least enough of it to leave the past where it belongs. I don't feel like I have closure, nor trust.

However, I did have an epiphany of sorts a couple of years back. I was promoted and it required a considerable amount of travel for a year or so. I thought I would worry about the opportunities fWW would have if I wasn't there. The thought of it literally made me sick. Something very unexpectedly happened. While her whereabouts would occasionally cause me concern, I found a very calming peace when I was away from her. The mind movies and bad thoughts subsided and I was able to feel content and relaxed. That experience changed my life. It .ade me realize I actually would be ok without her and D is always an option. It doesn't loom. It's like an emotional savings account. I can live comfortably, and know I have the ability to make a withdrawal anytime.

I know now that I will never forget. Even if I left it would follow me around like a disease. While I can't force my M to be better, it's good enough for now. That allows me to tolerate it as well as I can and as well as I could if I D.

I hope you find your path to peace whatever that is. Yogi Berra said, if you come to a fork in the road, take it. If you need to, see an IC. It could be a form of PTSD. Take care of you. I hope you find the best life you can possibly have.

Paws - I'm about 11 years out since DDay.

I think about my wife’s affairs every day. I don’t obsess over it, but it just seems to show up daily.

I don't think about it every day. That used to happen the first 5 or so years, but now it may come up perhaps once a month. I really don't keep track or remember to keep track, so that should give you a sense that it rarely comes up in my mind. But at the same time, I will never forget.

I feel like we lost something that we can never get back

My wife and I met when we were 18 - college sweethearts. Indeed our history is no longer pristine as it would have been due to her A. Now whenever new friends ask me how we first met, I still tell the same stories, but they no longer are accompanied with astonishment.

I still trigger a little when watching movies or reading books with adultery-related themes

I have no problem watching such movies, but only when I'm by myself. I definitely don't want to watch them with her! There's this one song that she had dedicated to her AP and to this day, I would never listen to that song (blocked on my Spotify) and surely not when I'm around her. I even block all the songs from the same artist. Hah!

We haven’t talked about the affairs for about 15 years

Similarly, we haven't talked about it for at least 5+ years. I feel like I gain nothing if I do, and so I keep any additional thoughts about it to myself. She has completely changed - no longer flirting with other men, no 1:1 lunches or dinners with another man, and always check with me whenever she has to travel any where.

My mindset nowadays is that an affair can happen to nearly anyone. After the honeymoon period and having dealt with the stress of raising children in most any marriage, things get monotonous. I'm no saint and had I not know what I know now, I believe it could have happened to me if I let myself flirt too much with a coworker and then especially if we were to travel out of town together on business. Luckily such situation didn't occur to me, but this was what had happened to my wife.

Life is full of ups and downs, and surely dealing with her A had been one of the lowest points in my life. If my own children ever experience what I had to go through, I probably would suggest them try to D and see if that is better for them. I'm still not sure though if it would be worth the trade off as we would have had a broken family.

We are 13 years out from the brink of D.

Yes I think about his cheating or affair in some way shape or form. But it doesn’t trigger me.

I can say we have a better marriage now b/c my H is now afraid I will divorce him! Which I had planned to do at dday2.

I healed myself, had therapy for a few years,

I am happier now. Honestly. I see now I will face anything head on while my H will avoid what he can.

The one thing that still irks me is when I ask a question and he immediately responds "I don’t know". It’s a cop out answer designed to shut down a conversation. He uses it often as a way to avoid answering even a simple question of "what would you like for dinner?" 😡😡

To me it’s basically implying STFU!🤬

I’ve learned to manage it w/out anger or even being irritated by it.

The one thing that WILL NEVER BE THE SAME is the way I used to put him first. Always.

I’ve learned to put myself first. Always.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:40 AM, Saturday, March 8th]

DD was 2007. Thought about it everyday since then.

Staying for the kids was the only decision I could make. Wanted to leave a 1000 times. Always talked myself out of it cuz I couldn't leave my kids.

We turned into room mates. I promised myself when the kids were gone, so was I, event though it would ruin me financially.

WW died of cancer in 2023. Sad fact is that was the best outcome for me.

Once the trust is gone, everything follows shortly thereafter.

If they cheat, leave.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:29 PM, Saturday, March 8th]

Thanks again for everyone's thoughtful responses and insights - very helpful. They certainly run the full spectrum, which I suppose makes sense. We're all in the infidelity club here, but everyone's situation was different before and after the affair(s), so the results will vary. Interestingly, early on my marriage, my wife said that she would kill me if I had an affair. I think she was serious. So, I didn't reciprocate that for my response.

I think the main thing that I struggle with 20 years out is still having these feelings that I posted initially. I do understand them - some responders correctly surmised that I've been burying some feelings and not discussing them. I have a pleaser/fixer type of personality, so I've tried to keep my family's life moving along smoothly, even when mine was shattered. In fact, no one else even knows about the affairs.

But I have to say that since the first year of post-affair struggles, my wife has been there for me.

So, I feel like it's up to me now to somehow release this mess from my life. To "set it free" somehow, so that it doesn't keep holding me back or have any power over me. I'm not sure what exactly that looks like - maybe there's some sort of ceremonial gesture that I can make up that will do the trick. I feel like I need to do something visible and then hold myself accountable for honoring that release going forward.

Hey Mr20Paws —

I do understand them - some responders correctly surmised that I've been burying some feelings and not discussing them. I have a pleaser/fixer type of personality, so I've tried to keep my family's life moving along smoothly, even when mine was shattered. In fact, no one else even knows about the affairs.

As long as you’re not being too hard on yourself — I imagine the vast majority of people hurt by this very specific trauma — bury their feelings.

Your choice to hold your family together, despite the horror show of infidelity, is all strength.

Amazing strength.

Which to me, means you will be strong enough to process what you need to now to heal some more.

So, I feel like it's up to me now to somehow release this mess from my life. To "set it free" somehow, so that it doesn't keep holding me back or have any power over me. I'm not sure what exactly that looks like - maybe there's some sort of ceremonial gesture that I can make up that will do the trick. I feel like I need to do something visible and then hold myself accountable for honoring that release going forward.

I’m rolling up on 9-years after discovery.

I’m at peace.

My take at this point is, the only thing I did was love my family. Ain’t no shame in that.

I outlined what I needed from my wife in order to stay, and in my case, my wife has worked extremely hard to be a better partner. I have also worked on being a better partner.

But I haven’t "let go" of anything.

I’ll always hate what happened. There is no reason for me to let that go. I hate it. I hated having to conquer the grief that came with it.

I’m good with that.

The only thing I can really ever control in this world is how I respond to the adversity.

I wake up every day and choose my path forward. I held up my end, and I took the high road through it all.

My focus on what’s happening now is where the peace comes in. I look at who my wife is today, and appreciate the work we did to overcome her choices.

The injury remains, I just don’t focus on it. The emotional scar of it fades slightly each day, but it remains. I just don’t live there.

I hope your healing continues.