SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been a while.

I think about what happens to men who cheat and then realize that they want to reconcile.

With my husband he has been working diligently.

But he’s chasing something that is forever lost to him.

Men like to feel like their woman feels safe because of them- safe from
an enemy, financially safe, emotionally safe. I think it is just a way most men are socialized.

Once a man deceives, lies, and betrays——their partners usually never feel completely safe again.

It’s just one of those gifts that keeps on giving.

As one member to another member in pain:

I read your earlier posts and saw your husband did therapy.
Also that you might have quit therapy too early.

What have the two of you done to reconcile?
Both individually and as a couple.

Keep in mind that if you are never going to feel safe - financially, emotionally and physically – your are selling yourself extremely short by remaining in this marriage.

There are a plethora of reasons why I don’t cheat. One of them being that I feel a personal sense of pride and joy in looking at my wife and knowing that from the day we started dating to the present this is the only woman I have touched and made love to. I’m counting the days – in a positive way – and if I were to fondle someone else that counter would drop to 0.

---
Gently – a semi-official warning as a member of staff.
Guideline 8 says:
GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

Your comments about how men are and what men do... well... they at the very least made me and other members of staff pause. Please refrain from making such general gender-based statements.

To me, the idea that all your safety is tied up in one person....who isn't you....I don't think is really all that healthy anymore. If anything, this experience has made me prioritize my own safety before others....except my child. If my FWS is actively trying to make me feel unsafe.....there is the door.

Is any one human SO altruistic that they would always prioritize the other's safety? I think we'd like to think that. But, for me, this was part of the fairytale that died for me on DDay. While so painful, I think this is a healthier way to move through the world. Not demonizing the waywards, but understanding that I'm the only one ultimately responsible for my happiness. Being married outlines the emotional contract we have with each other, but if my partner isn't fulfilling their end of that, or I'm not for them, we don't have to stay.

I believe you are right in that most bs lose the ability to fully 100 percent trust again. I am guessing that would even extend to future relationships. My husband and I talk about this sometimes but both of us feel like we trust ourselves. Meaning, I trust myself to end the relationship if things go bad again. I trust myself to look out for my own interests. I trust myself not to self abandon in order to please him or anyone ever again.

I am not sure trust is all he is chasing. What he likely wants is what a lot of us want- to be in a loving, thriving marriage. It takes years to build that and years to heal from infidelity. Sometimes it takes ending the marriage and moving on.

It might be a great time to think about what it is you want moving forward. Finding the power of loving and trusting yourself, and if you do that work then I think the decision about staying in this marriage will become clear as well. You are still there, but you are finding it tough to be all in. That is normal, but he can chase that all he wants and the needle will never move. He only has the power to keep choosing to be a better man and spouse and keep getting better at it. He does not have the choice about how you feel about it. And right now you probably don’t either. That’s why I am saying pursue yourself, and that may guide you towards happiness again, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:39 PM, Wednesday, March 5th]

With so many rules in posting I am unsure if I’m allowed to "re word" my post and change the phrasing.

[This message edited by Howcthappen at 8:42 PM, Wednesday, March 5th]

Thank you hikingout - you always have the approach to issues that I can understand.

I do without a shadow of a doubt trust myself to leave this marriage if he stops trying.

I am so grateful for you expressing what I absolutely know to be true/ we might not be in control of what happens.

I think my husband realizes that I am always going to check the psychological windows and doors all the time- when you believed lies because a person was great at lying…..you double check.

I've restored your post because 1) deleting a post is a violation of the few rules we have, and more important 2) you ask a very reasonable question.

Deleting a post is a violation. Editing a post is permitted. If you look at the upper right corner of posts on SI, you'll see a number of icons, one of which can be called a 'slanted stick'. Click that, and you'll be able to edit your post. (You know this, Howcthappen, but others don't.)

My reason for doing this in a post is to remind everyone of the guideline. My guess is that was Bigger's goal, too.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:49 PM, Wednesday, March 5th]

Sis soon

I deleted the portion of my response as I thought it too violated rules.

So I can go in to my original post and edit it/—- am I allowed to insert the word "some" here or there to indicate that not all are the same?

Again, I feel we generalize behavior as "wayward" .

So i should say "some men" need to have sex within their marriage instead of saying men need sex in their marriage for example?

I use "some" alot and it has not been an issue. I am glad you are back and hope you keep posting.

Howcthappen. I am a BH and I'd like to say my wife is chasing something she'll never get back, but as she's a grand champion rug sweeper, I don't think she'll ever catch what she's not chasing. The rule on generalization is a good one, no two cases are alike. They carry similarities, but this is a very complex world we operate in.

Howc,

To appease the phrase police, instead of writing "women love flowers", write "many women love flowers".

Hope this helps!

IDK ... on our 1st post-d-day anniversary, my W surprised me with chocolates and flowers. Since I used flowers and chocolate to demonstrate interest, I very much appreciated the gesture.

For that reason, I suggest that 'some people like to receive gifts of flowers' is more accurate than 'some women like to receive gifts of flowers.'

There are a lot fewer differences between men and women than many posters acknowledge.

*****

It's not a matter of appeasing anyone for. IMO, it's a matter of of not drawing conclusions on too few facts and too little questioning 'wisdom' that gets jammed into our heads as we grow up and/or as we filter out what we take in as adults.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:39 PM, Wednesday, March 12th]