SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some time ago I found an interesting perspective from a US Couple Therapist, she does seem to specialize on betrayal and attachment more than "healing the marriage".

I liked what she says, I found in her videos plenty of explanation that resonates as I can observe directly from my direct but also indirect experience (here and to other people victim of betrayals, like my wife's close friend)

What she says is: Usually 2/3 of relationship can R with the correct work from both partner if they are committed.

She exemplifies that "not all infidelity is created equal" some kind of have a higher chance of R than others.

So the 5 Types of cheating and what they mean for your Reconciliation, the Marriage:

From "best" to "worst" chances of R.

1. Accidental Infidelity

All cheating are a choice, but some choices are made under the influence of substances, alcohol, strong external psychological pressure or stress.

It's a one-time thing. The person who did it is immediately remorseful and confesses it to their partner.

It's still hard for the betrayed partner and wayward too, but usually the R can happen with this kind of Cheating. It sits in the 2 thirds than can make it.

2. Opportunistic Infidelity

This is the kind of cheating where the person is "out of town" (literally or metaphorically) and an opportunity presents. They are not under the influence but they do it nevertheless.

In this case as well usually the cheater feels remorseful and confesses the betrayal to their partner. This is also in the 2/3 that can usually recovery with work.

If the partner lies or tries to keep it hidden, is more aggravating, is worse, but still possible to recover.

3 Emotional Infidelity

Emotional infidelity is establishing an emotional bond with an Affair Partner, it is a relationship in full, whether it turns physical later or not, it is a replacement of your partner. You develop an emotional attachment, you don't get over it easily.

IN this kind of betrayal you now HAVE TO lie, be sneaky, betray your partner at every steps, they last a long period of time. Often the people involved in emotional affair are in cognitive dissonance and denial, they do not even realize they crossed a border.

This kind of infidelity is a coin toss, can go either way in the matter of R. 50/50

4 Situational Infidelity

This kind of Infidelity it's happening during a temporary situation.

Let's say you have a long distance relationships, your partner misses you but during this temporary situation they have sex with someone else. It wouldn't have happened if they were there with you (more than likely, but it still might). The cheater feels lonely, they are not sure what you are doing, etc.

This is up in the scale, because this infidelity is for a short period of time, usually very intense and completely in another compartment of the cheater mind, the person does not feel remorseful, they feel it's ok what they did.

And this is a bad one, often out of the 2/3 of R.

A variant of this is compartmentalized infidelity, identical to the above but you lead parallel lives, your main relationship, and parallel to it the affair that exist in a completely different compartment of your life, separated and never overlapping it.

It's your "little secret" that nobody in your life knows about, the person doing it feels justified, it does not bother others, is "just my little happy time", "I deserve it I do so much for everyone and deserve to feel happy".

Like the cousin one, this is a bad one for chances of R.

5 Chronic Infidelity

This is serial cheating, they might have one or multiple affair partners, usually is one at a time, but even going to Therapy, doing the work they go right back to always looking for another AP, they will be cheating as soon as the opportunity presents.

You can put all effort and therapy you want but this person is almost impossible to change, so it is almost impossible to truly R, because they will fake it and never truly stop to search for the next Affair.

Better drop it and save yourself misery and pain.

I found it interesting in this perspective, giving a scale so you can identify where your Relationship places and how hard your R it is going to be.

Also I liked that the Emotional Affair is where you draw the line between the "I don't know what happened to me that I did this!" to a true betrayal, a replacement of your relationship with another so you do not feel guilty outright, because you attached to the AP from here on.

So they are obviously "in-between" these types of cheating, they go up or down depending how much intensity, time and deception they involve.

How I read it, you can have a physical affair between 3 and 4, is not emotional infidelity because you get physical, but is not yet unremorseful and intense like the situational, is a ruler of a spectrum where you can add your personal experience.
They are not causality linked and consequential, so it is not that 1 will escalate to 5, they are different starting points with some overlaps.

Different kind.

Where do I sit on this spectrum?

Mine is literally the number 4 description. Maybe even between 4 and 5.

I found this helpful, I hope it helps you too in finding some clarity.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 5:48 PM, Saturday, February 21st]

My H's A was 3 and sort of 4. I say sort of because it was situational. We were living apart for a year because of his job. We were not separated. However, he was remorseful. He didn't intentionally take advantage of the situation. He fell into an EA that turned physical. He had no intention of continuing it once we were together again. None of it would've happened if we had been together.

We teeter on the edge of R.

My wife's was a 3, with a touch of 1. She had started a powerful new anti seizure medication known for changing personalities and making people very angry and aggressive, and she did develop an emotional attachment due to their shared condition. She got over him very quickly, tho. When divorce became a real possibility she kicked him to the curb with extreme prejudice and started showing true remorse very early on.

My wife's was a 3, with a touch of 1. She had started a powerful new anti seizure medication known for changing personalities and making people very angry and aggressive, and she did develop an emotional attachment due to their shared condition. She got over him very quickly, tho. When divorce became a real possibility she kicked him to the curb with extreme prejudice and started showing true remorse very early on.

As I understood it Pogre, your wife is in the category 1, she did that under the influence of a medication. As she stopped she realized it, it was a personality hijack.

Yes it was not under alcohol or a drug high, it was prolonged due to the medication being her "therapy" so that makes a + into the hardship of the scale for the duration (prolonged exposure to the state = emotional attachment).

I doubt now she is back to herself she would develop a 3 (emotional affair) without the drug's influence.

Consider that even one night stands are not emotion free, we might not feel them strongly for a one off, but they are there below the surface (for us guys too). It's time and exposure that strengthen the emotions and attachment.

Of course you know best because is your personal story, I just understood her as a "1 plus" due to the long term of her drug influence.

Thanks for this interesting categorization, BftS, it helps me to see why I have been in this no-mans-land so long: my SAWH is also somewhere between 4 and 5; likely more 5 than 4. It's been a painful struggle to wrap my head around all the "whys" and "why nots" - the distinctions in this kind of infidelity being parellel life and entitled mindset. There is nothing we could have done to prevent that mindset, they came with it.

I've had to realize I got married to only one part of this person at war with himself. But regardless of personal history, I have noticed the importance of culture she doesn't mention, but if we look, we usually can see where they got the idea it was okay to split their lives so drastically.

[This message edited by Superesse at 11:45 AM, Sunday, February 22nd]

Superesse you are right, culture plays a part in tossing the balance of our own choices (good or bad).

However it's impact is minimal unless it finds fertile ground in our mind, so it is a push if we already have unresolved issues, it's easier to follow the herd than to face your own problems and resolve them.

It may not be the whole herd mentality, either...it could be a powerful or prominent person who sets the example for the people less powerful or prominent. Think of King Henry the Eighth!

My husband is 5/5.

Every affair he has had has the substance abuse issue. 6/7 had opportunity. 1/7 emotional connection. 2/7 situational. 1/7 accidental.

He’s definitely a serial cheater.

Jeez.

I love the 80/20 rule for cheating. This theory suggests that 80% of the needs are met, but the focus is on the 20% which isn't working or need addressing.

Personally I was feeling this way and attempting to redirect my partner as it was happening.

Only post D-day I've read of this concept and it's part of the root cause I'm my situation I feel.

It's very important to identify as much as possible the driving influence behind the cheating.

The most important aspect is identifying the cause enables you to plan a counter attack.

We've sorta developed a safe word or warning word which is looking for attention. My initial suggestion to my partner was text me let me know your feeling whatever and we can talk about it or just make the effort to focus on connecting with me rather than outside the relationship.

I have so many ideas to overcome my trauma and truly heal and genuinely regain trust.

If we can't return to a life free from the constraints of reassurance and activity modification then I'd prefer to be alone.

While my partner is currently being present and at home. I feel rather awkward at times because I fundamentally believe in independence and freedom to spend time pursuing personal hobbies and some socialising.

Currently he's screwed that up. But I don't think it's be healthy long term to continue such necessary adjustments for now. I just wonder how long it'll take to be relatively conformable.

My wife was the typical 49-year-old, mother of three, kids are pretty independent, hair getting thin and turning gray, skin not as tight as it used to be, and in comes a 9-year younger fun flirty Charming charismatic coworker who strutted around the school wearing a badge and a gun and a bulletproof vest. According to my wife he visited all of the women every morning that worked in the school. Had she mentioned this prior to me finding out what she was doing I would have told her to put a stop to it because I could see trouble Brewing with something like that but of course she didn't because she loved it

Here is this younger good looking guy giving her compliments and he was believable because he wasn't married to her. My compliments, my reassurances, didn't carry any weight because we were married and had been together for 27 years.

She swears nothing physical ever happened and I will never know the truth but I have little doubt that once school was out for the summer and the building was down to a skeleton crew something would have happened. Hell, he banged the social worker not only in his car in the parking lot but on her desk during the school day. And she had a BF :/

Had my wife come to me because the guilt was overwhelming the R would have gone a lot better and quicker but she was content to keeping her little secret to herself so the R is still ongoing.

Had there been something physical I would have ended the relationship because I would always wonder if she was thinking about me or him while we were fooling around.

BackfromtheStorm wrote:

As I understood it Pogre, your wife is in the category 1, she did that under the influence of a medication. As she stopped she realized it, it was a personality hijack.

Yes it was not under alcohol or a drug high, it was prolonged due to the medication being her "therapy" so that makes a + into the hardship of the scale for the duration (prolonged exposure to the state = emotional attachment).

I doubt now she is back to herself she would develop a 3 (emotional affair) without the drug's influence.

Consider that even one night stands are not emotion free, we might not feel them strongly for a one off, but they are there below the surface (for us guys too). It's time and exposure that strengthen the emotions and attachment.

Of course you know best because is your personal story, I just understood her as a "1 plus" due to the long term of her drug influence.

I mostly, or possibly even almost completely agree with you. However, I have seen some of her communications with a couple of her friends where she professed "love" for the guy, and made comments like "Every time I see him my hands start shaking. No one has ever done that to me before. I just love him so much..."

Obviously that was incredibly painful for me to read and I've talked to her about it. Between her leveling out after finishing titrating that new med and her counseling she's determined it was more of an infatuation than any real or true "love," but as you can imagine it was very painful for me to read those words. She did kick him to the curb pretty fast when I started taking steps toward divorce and never went through any kind of withdrawal stage or depression over ending contact with him, so the temporary infatuation hypothesis holds more water with me. She can't stand him now, and she was very happy when he got fired from the company they both work for.

I've also seen messages where she talks about the butterflies and excitement she feels when she sees me, and she talked being happy that she still feels that way after being married for over 27 years. "My husband still makes me feel like I did when we were in our 20s." So things like that make me feel better since I, too, still feel those butterflies. I do think we share something, many things, that she didn't share with him, but while she was in the thick of it I think she was at least convinced that she felt like she was in love with him. Even if it was short lived and an illusion, it's what she was convinced she felt at the time.

It was also more than one tryst. She had 3 separate physical trysts with him over 2 weeks where there was sexual activity. Plus she was defensive of him when I would say something mean about him. That went on for a couple of weeks until I snapped her out of it by setting up appointments with lawyers. That's why I leaned more on 3. She did kick him to the curb when faced with the end if her marriage, tho, and she never once pined over him or missed him. When she was done, she was done. There's been no contact ever since, with one exception where he approached and she embarrassed him in front of co workers by loudly threatening to go to HR in front of witnesses if he ever approached her again. She sent him packing with his tail tucked between his legs.

Due to her condition she can be pretty immature and prone to rush to conclusions sometimes. I think now this really was a case of her loving how he made her feel moreso than actually loving him. Our marriage was in a rut, we'd been living like roommates for a long time, and she was craving intimacy and attention, so when prince charming came along she soaked it up. I've resigned myself to the fact that it probably could have been anyone who gave her that type of attention. She did use the words "I love himnso much," tho, when she was in the thick of it.

I will say she's matured a lot since d day. She's a lot more self aware, empathetic, and has become a good listener. That was something she needed to work on a long time ago. I do think now that she's back to herself, I highly doubt she would ever reach a 3 (or any other type) ever again. She's more hyper vigilant than I am now, and shuts down any hint of another man who might approach or try to form any kind of relationship with her. She tells me about even the most innocuous interactions with anyone of the opposite sex now.

Keppra, the drug she was on, was definitely a factor, too. I've read up a lot on it, and it really can mess a person up. The whole thing is just such a mess.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:57 PM, Tuesday, February 24th]

I don’t know why any particular odds could or should be associated with any "kind" of infidelity.

It’s all horrible and it is always a deal breaker to me.

I’ve seen plenty of people walk away from less and stay with more on this attempted scale.

As a person who grew up fairly black and white, I didn’t imagine I would stay for a minute after discovery. As I’ve often said when I got here, I didn’t even know R was a thing. And yet, here I am — recovered in full and with the person who burned our M down to the foundation.

LTA maybe goes off of these suggested chart numbers, as my wife’s was 4-years PA, two more years EA after AP dumped her.

Infidelity is a steep life learning curve, and a trauma I wouldn’t wish on just about anyone.

I will always understand why people walk away.

I also now know why people choose to stay and rebuild it all from the ground up.

Some people can absolutely change for the better — it turns out, I could change as well.

Life is mostly uphill for all of us, and not everyone copes the same or has the same tools. All I know is I am grateful for all the work my wife and I have done to get here.

The old innocence is gone of course, along with blind trust and hoping for the best — replaced by a relentless will to take better care of each other. There is something substantial about NOT giving up that fueled our rebuild.

I don’t know why any particular odds could or should be associated with any "kind" of infidelity.

It’s all horrible and it is always a deal breaker to me.

I’ve seen plenty of people walk away from less and stay with more on this attempted scale.

I think I agree with you. It can be a factor, but it doesn't really matter what level of infidelity it is, some will end it then and there, no matter how "minor" the affair was, and some will stay and try to rebuild no matter how egregious it was. It really just depends on the type of people involved.

Now, I suppose there could he some correlation between the severity of an affair and the type of person involved. Maybe the more egregious affairs also tend to involve personality types that just aren't good people for reconciliation, at least on the WS side. But yeah, some BSes can bounce back from the worst, while some just plain bounce no matter what. I can see where it would depend more on the type of person than whatever type of affair it was on the BS side.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:41 PM, Tuesday, February 24th]

I don’t know why any particular odds could or should be associated with any "kind" of infidelity.

It’s all horrible and it is always a deal breaker to me.

I’ve seen plenty of people walk away from less and stay with more on this attempted scale.

That's just what this therapist and others observed.

Depending on the type of infidelity the wayward might be more or less committed to change.

The type kind of reveals their personality flaws, how intense, how likely is to relapse, if they feel guilt or not (maybe just shame for being caught, but not real remorse).

Is some kind with therapy is easier to reconcile than in others

One thing I have learned reading this forum is that no two A stories are alike, and that no WW or WH fits into any box that can completely define the nature/cause/outcome of their A.

In our case, my W's was a LTA that started as sexting. Very little physical. Then a DDay. Then relapse and PA. Then another DDay. Then 1.5 years with NC (verified). Then relapse into full PA. Then relocation ended PA, but EA went on for another year. But in all that time there wasn't one mention of "love" or plans for future, or even much affection for each other. It was just an addiction to the "rush" of being secret. My W legitimately never saw her AP as a good person, a desirable partner, and never pulled away from me in any visible way. In the year since the final DDay, she hasn't once pined for him, or experienced grief over the loss of the A, or compared me unfavorably to her AP.

What does that mean about the nature of her A? I have no idea. I know what she has learned in IC. I know how aware she now is of the internal conditions that made her susceptible to his advances. But I have tried to define all this myself, and read hundreds of articles and books on the subject. Infidelity is a spectrum. Categories and definitions can help make sense, but all in all it is something that makes no sense. And never will.

I think the categorization is of little to no use.

The nature of the betrayal is 2ndary at most. The most important indication for the resolution of a betrayed relationship is the BS's response to the betrayal. An extramarital kiss can devastate one BS as much as a LTA can devastate another. An EA of a week with no physical activity can devastate a BS.

Any BS can come down on the side of wanting D or wanting R.

It's much more efficient and effective for a BS to decide what they want before considering the type of A the WS conducted.

*****

The other significant factor is the WS's acceptance of responsibility and their willingness to change from cheater to good partner. A WS can decide to make that change after a kiss or after a lifetime of cheating or after something in between.

One can argue argue about probabilities, but we have no data. In any case, the key for a BS who wants R is determining if their WS will make the change fast enough for the BS - and that's a (math-type) function of where the WS is on and after d-day, not a function of what the WS's history is.

*****

Further, we don't have objective measurements for betrayal or responses to betrayal.

For example, my W bought a big stuffed bear for ow's birthday; she clothed it in an old t-shirt that was too ratty for my W to wear in public. My bet is that most people would be more disturbed by the WS's buying a big stuffed bear than by the ratty t-shirt. I certainly would have been - except that the t-shirt had associations for me that made giving it to ow a big source of pain for me.

That's just one way that the categorization says little to nothing that is useful.

*****

In the end, What difference does the type of betrayal make if the BS wants to D?

What difference does the type of betrayal make if both partners decide to do the work they need to do to make a success of R?

*****

When the BS focuses on the WS, it's too easy to be empathic with them, to make excuses for their behavior, and for the BS to force themself into R when they really don't want to go there.

My W is a CSA - childhood sexual abuse - survivor. How can anyone not have empathy and sympathy for her? I gave her a lot of support - but if I had chosen R primarily to give her further support, I'd have been selling both of us out.

In the aftermath of d-day, I am convinced that the BS's best approach is 1) deal with their own pain; 2) as they heal, decide what they want; 3) if they want R, then and only then evaluate their WS as a candidate for R; 4) choose R only if the BS and WS have explicitly talked about their expectations of each other.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:03 PM, Tuesday, February 24th]

That's just what this therapist and others observed.

I understood that, and I still contend it has little to do with reality.

My own IC/MC was in the business for 40-years, and he claimed the odds were….50/50 for ANY level of cheating.

He was a BS himself who dealt with his WS’ exit A. He never coached to save an M, just tried to find the best result (R or D) for the couple.

Was his experience better or more informed? I have no idea, because it always depends on the individuals involved!

Everyone responds to their failures in different ways — and some NEVER address their failings.

These subjective odds and categories are as arbitrary as anything I’ve read on the subject.

That said, the initial list has even less to do with my life — there isn’t anyone here in the forum who thought my wife was a good candidate for R (me included at first).

I believe the entire premise what this is about is "The BS would like to try and give a second chance to R" so we are talking of people who mostly just found out.

They have no experience with recovery and are still in the shock phase, when you started your rollercoaster.

So in that framing the type of infidelity and chances of success make sense, as per chances the WS will put in the work (if the WS is honestly regretful and confesses alone is way more likely they will change, than a serial cheater with no remorse at all, just learning to hide it better)

Obviously that was incredibly painful for me to read and I've talked to her about it.

But now you do know is mostly the WS projection that gives those feelings. The AP matters little, is just an object to reflect those issues back.

If it was nay of it real, she would not have been done so quickly.

If you really, truly feel that way for a person you don't get over it. A strong hint that it was something else, not the pig (AP).

I have to admit I usually appreciate categories and systems to make sense of things. That includes infidelity but these particular ones are not the best, imo. A few quick examples of room for improvement in this model:

"Accidental Infidelity" is a triggering label for almost all BS. No accident, right? Let's get rid of that label.

The first two categories should be collapsed into something like "One Time Infidelity". And I do not believe that most WS confess these, even though mine did. The confessed infidelity is important to recovery potential but it can overlap with any of these other categories and needs to be an independent variable.

Situational infidelity does not really deserve its own category imo.

"Accidental Infidelity" is a triggering label for almost all BS. No accident, right? Let's get rid of that label.

Indeed is no accident, because you allow yourself to alterate your mind with substances while already knowing the risk of crossing a boundary.

I read it as "you have the issues that can lead to cheating, but usually enough self restraint not to do it, that can fail when under the influence"

The first two categories should be collapsed into something like "One Time Infidelity". And I do not believe that most WS confess these, even though mine did. The confessed infidelity is important to recovery potential but it can overlap with any of these other categories and needs to be an independent variable.

I am not the therapist so I can get their anecdotal testimony as is, not confirming or botching it.

They are though different: one type is happening under the influence, the other you are perfectly normal and still do it. One has restraint not to break the moral compass (unless drunk or high), the other does not (hence is "worse").

Some don't confess, that is a + on the gravity because they add lies to the mix.

Situational infidelity does not really deserve its own category imo.

Being the one I experienced personally, I beg to differ.

She has been unfaithful when our situation was "long distance relationship", never when we were close.
And is on the most serious side of things, because the cheater does not feel guilt at all, they just "had a relationship" because they felt "distant" from you (both physically and emotionally).

And I also agree that is very hard to recover from this one, I am not sure I can do it no matter how she works on her.

It really sucks