I don't know if this relationship is right for me...I feel like the rug has been taken out from under me. I thought I was in control and I thought he would fight to get be back...
I can tell you the sexual part is really messed up, if that is the only variable then you should end it immediately, but I suspect there are other sides of this person that make you want to stay, so you have to weight those options.
I feel if it was just sex, you'd have ended it already since is not enjoyable for you, I sense there is more to make you feel conflicted.
What you feel is normal, is your system losing grip on reality, it will help you to share and not compressing it inside and also therapy.
I do not refrain to use colorful language because in situation like this drives the emotional point home better than politeness, I am rolling with your emotions here.
But since you were were specific about this being a sex issue, let's address what I see that's fucked up there first:
I feel hurt that I can't fulfil him - He doesn't really seem to want me to try- he said 'She isn't the dominant type'..Honestly, I tried some stuff...I hit him in the face and he said it was sore - too low...I think he has a porn addiction
Here is the screwed up part, let me explain ihopeyouaresomewhere:
First, you can absolutely fulfill him. Any woman can completely fulfill any man sexually in an encounter. Even if there were to be no attraction from the guy's side, he can get laid and gets his mind blown.
And since you are together, this is not the case, ore would have been a one night stand and no follow up, instead you are a couple "having problem with sexuality", in quotes, you have no problem with sexuality, this is a character flaws that twists it to shit.
So why you feel you can't satisfy him?
Because from what you wrote everything here is transactional, there is no connection of bodies, souls, minds and reciprocal pleasures.
Next to zero.
- You are performing to get his validation as a sexual partner
- He is trying fucking a pubescent fantasy instead of making love or sex with YOU
This means you are giving yourself to his messed up fantasy and ego, instead of giving and receiving as it should be in sex.
He is trying to take from the fantasy, but he does know you, has a connection, and he is doing it completely selfishly neither giving nor receiving, he is trying to just TAKE staying away from any human connecttion.
In this role you are nothing more than a "breathing hand" and a "more interactive porn computer screen" than when he stimulates alone in solitude.
This should piss you off, because you see right away the issue, you are like two avatars in a virtual world instead of 2 partners having sex for fulfillment.
There cannot be connection with this premises, neither for him, nor for you. Hence the lack of pleasure for both and performance anxiety: you are both performing, not connecting, and performing a fantasy nevertheless. And you are performing with another person you have other feelings for, so it's doomed to be awkward.
Because reality can never stand up to a fantasy.
Is this because the fantasy is better? No, bullshit, the fantasy is usually worse because has limitations that reality does not. Is the mind of someone with issues, low self worth, insecurities, that thinks the "Fantasy is better", not because the true value, but because they have "control" over it, and they are fucking terrified to lose control because they are too weak, flawed, insecure.
Again, you should not feel down, you are trying more than anyone should, you should feel pissed off that you both bowed to anxiety, fear and insecurities and instead of connecting with each other and enjoy the beauty of sharing bodies and emotions, you retreated to acting in performance and childish fantasies.
Now this is harsh because I feel you are following him down the rabbit hole instead of realizing "wait a minute, you are running naked against the traffic on the highway! I am not following you, I am dragging you back you fucking idiot!".
Because this is what he is doing.
Dominatrix? Well be assured he has Low Self Worth issues if that's what he is into. And the "Therapists" that say it's nothing bad, they are either generalizing with platitudes (if they add no context) or they are fucked up and you should change them outright.
Why that? Is submission inherently bad in sex? No, with caveats. It's "one option" partners can get into for fun experimenting when they feel like, as roleplay, in that case is healthy, because is a game and you share an experience together (this is the key, not the "act" in itself, sharing with fun, both of you).
Think about it as you go eating out with someone, maybe you are used to fine dining, romantic views, quiet and peace. Then one day (or when you get the mood for) you say "hey, fuck the 5 stars restaurant, let's go eating junkfood from the squatter's common leftovers plate at a rave party while we dance blind drunk". That CAN be fun, probably not something you want to do everyday, but hey, you do you.
What he is telling you, he is only into that rave party, no restaurants, no romance, because it gives him anxiety (he can't get it up) so that's what's his comfort zone is, because he is too shitty for better things, and he is going there only. With you or someone else is the same, his afraidness is too strong, he is just that big of a pussy for changing his patterns.
You don't want this. He probably does not even want this.
There is a deep issue in himself that makes him to retreat into this bullshit.
And instead of facing it he is trying to project it onto you, because "it can't be me that I am wrong, I was just not good enough to get the right partner for myself, a woman who see I am shit and treats me as such, because that's what I am worth. I love her, but she must see me that way".
This is Toxic.
Love and sex should be free giving and receiving with connection, not performance. Orgasms are not important. Validation is not important. Fantasies are not important. Connection is.
Really both you and him can "get off" better with self stimulation, because your skill in knowing your own bodies is unmatchable from the partner, no matter "how good they are in bed". If it's the "nerve -> irritation -> release"(aka Orgams) all that matters, the hand is enough for both. It is sad, enough sad you need no partner for it.
If is the connection you want, then no orgasm or fantasy can ever match that, and you will discover kinds of pleasure that are completely different than a 3 seconds release, way more fulfilling, nourishing, and that make you both grow closer, not apart.
I think is this you crave, even if you never experienced it. He probably would crave it too if only manages to get out of this childish teenager trauma bonded fantasies.
That's where he needs therapy, he fucked up his dopamine circuit with cortisol and repetition. It can be fixed, but yu both must acknowledge it first, not running in circle around a sick childhood fantasy than is a smoking mirror and not the holy grail.
Years ago I read a book by a psychiatrist who said males sexual interests are formed at puberty and never change. I have no idea if that is true.
@Cooley The first part it is true.
The second I am the living proof it's bull... it is very hard to change because is acknowledged as normal, but it can change, drastically and radically.
I explained elsewhere how I believe they are formed during puberty, is matter of discovery, shock, curiosity, shame and peer shared "secret revelations" how USUALLY a boy gets in touch with their bodies and sexuality at first.
You USUALLY discover ladies much later in life, and you are already in anxiety not to make a bad impression and with a baggage of bullshit fantasies that are all very well confused and untested, but they are all you've got and therefore you hold them dear not to be crushed under insecurity.
I say USUALLy not to generalize, just this is what I know from my own life experience, being a boy among boys. There maybe some boy who discover everything in a different way, through enlightenment or something else, I do not know, I have never met any. Usually from my experience you discover your body by touch first, with surprise, shame and shock, and then you talk with others about that.
Again, in my opinion, no generalizations.
So since I can only bring my own experience to witness: I had grown up with a big, fat baggage of bullshit in my sexual development, that never changed because "you just don't ask/ talk about this with girls, you do and try to act confident", I just learned techniques and did what I learned is "expected" to be done in sex as performance, to be "successful". Because is the only thing I have always known and was always told whenever I tried to understand more, by science, by media, by every source I consulted.
And it worked pretty well.
Why do I call it bullshit then? Because it completely changed.
The moment I stopped caring and performing, it all went down like a castle of cards, I can see how useless it was and how blind and stupid all my "knowledge" and sexual preferences were.
Because reality is what "I seen explained as 'sex' from every source I ever consulted", is not sex, it's just intercourse.
Think about the desert in a full course meal. Is it nice? Yes. But is reductive and shallow compared to a nourishing meal you share with another person, in a nice place, location, atmosphere.
The way I understand it now, the whole experience is "sex" not just the dessert.
It's holistic. It changes everything.
And believe it or not, the dessert is so much better after you realize that, that both people would never had thought it was even possible.
It can change, it is mindset, that's the key.
