SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It was this time last year that my wife's AP started making his move on her. This is when the messaging started over Facebook that he set up to auto delete after 24 hours. I had no idea any of that was happening when it was happening. They spent the entire month of March flirting, chatting, and making voice calls over messenger. Looking back, I s'pose that was pretty clever as to avoid any new phone numbers or texts showing up on the phone bill. Makes me think this wasn't his first rodeo with a married woman.

The end of March is when he suggested they get a hotel, and within a week he booked one. This means he made the suggestion right around, or possibly even on my birthday, which is March 26th, and they had their first tryst on April 1st or 2nd. That went one for 2 more weeks with 2 more trysts before I caught on and put a stop to it. April 15th was d day,

I think most of you have read my progress over the last year. Things have actually been going amazingly well as far as recovery and working toward reconciliation. She's been listening, doing the work, and doing everything I've asked and then some. Everything. No slip ups, no major meltdowns, no backsliding. Intimacy has come roaring back. We've been intimate every night for the last ten months. Every single night, and sometimes twice a day. It's not getting old at all. We both very much look forward to it every day. It's still... exciting, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. We've really rediscovered each other sexually, and it's been awesome. Things seem to be going about as well as could be hoped for considering the circumstances.

We've been getting along better over the last year than we did before d day. She's such a good listener now, and she's really matured a lot. She's always been kind of immature, partly because of her condition (epilepsy caused by tbi as an infant), and the fact that her parents really sheltered and babied her. She was their "miracle child." She wasn't supposed to be able to walk, talk, or be functional in any meaningful way. They worked hard with her and she pulled through. Her seizures stopped at age 11 (then came back 25 years later), she graduated high school and even earned a partial scholarship. This affair and the potential and real consequences have been a major wakeup call that seems to have transformed her on a very fundamental level. Like, real, substantive change. She's a better person in general in almost all of her relationships now.

As we creep closer and closer to the antiversary tho, with me knowing what was going on at this exact time last year, it's been bothering me a lot. The lies, secrets and deception all started right about now, and I've been dwelling more. I keep picturing them talking and chatting, him hitting on her and her soaking it all up while hiding it from me. And of course picturing them at the hotel.

I imagine them standing at the desk to check in, all giddy with excitement, smiling, joking, and flirting. Hanging out by the pool while she's in her bathing suit that she looks fantastic in. Tho that particular bathing suit and overnight bag got filed in the trash bin quite a while ago - her idea. She knew it was triggering for me. I didn't even suggest it. After one of many conversations about the affair, a conversation where the hotel pool came up, she gathered the bag and suit and took them to the outside garbage can, which I appreciated. It was her favorite bathing suit. She's gotten rid of almost everything that had any ties to her affair without being asked. Which, to be fair, wasn't much, tho she of course still has her phone and tablet, which I have unfettered access to. Then of course thinking about the activities they got up to when they were in the room...

Once again, I'm not sure what I expect to get from starting this thread aside from the fact that sometimes just typing this stuff out and getting feedback has a way of making me feel better. I'm not planning on D, and neither is she. We're on pretty solid ground now. I've even begun trusting her again. I'm no longer hyper vigilant. I don't think she'll ever do something like this again. I'm very convinced of that. I haven't been going through her devices and conversations. Just knowing I have the access is really just about good enough. I'm just having some issues with flashbacks and intrusive thoughts with d day approaching. She knows she messed up bad, and has been willing to crawl naked through broken glass to make up for it. I've just had a rough couple of days thinking about it, and need to get it off my chest. It's been almost a year now and I still kind of can't believe it happened.

[This message edited by Pogre at 6:24 PM, Thursday, February 26th]

This "anniversary" was inevitable, and your feelings about it were also inevitable.

Just part of this you have to soldier through.

It will keep getting better, slowly. One year is not very long.

Best wishes.

Writing about your emotions is cathartic because keeping them inside is damaging at a physical level.

Yes it sucks, and when something sucks this much you do well in venting it.

It's a tradeoff for keeping your partner, the bad part of the betrayal is that who did it to you, that's the person you chose to keep.
So it's unavoidable, but on the other hand, there are things that were worthy to take this decision.
They will balance it out.

Be strong, is a scar, is hurts but is not bleeding now.

It is to be expected. I’m 7 years out and my DDay was yesterday. It is a date on the calendar my body made to protect me from harm.

My marriage is better than ever….but just get me to March, and I’ll feel better.

Treat yourself with great kindness. Tell your FWS what you need.

Things have actually been going amazingly well as far as recovery and working toward reconciliation. She's been listening, doing the work, and doing everything I've asked and then some. Everything. No slip ups, no major meltdowns, no backsliding. Intimacy has come roaring back. We've been intimate every night for the last ten months. Every single night, and sometimes twice a day. It's not getting old at all. We both very much look forward to it every day. It's still... exciting, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. We've really rediscovered each other sexually, and it's been awesome. Things seem to be going about as well as could be hoped for considering the circumstances.

We've been getting along better over the last year than we did before d day. She's such a good listener now, and she's really matured a lot..... This affair and the potential and real consequences have been a major wakeup call that seems to have transformed her on a very fundamental level. Like, real, substantive change. She's a better person in general in almost all of her relationships now.

OP - it's obvious you desperately want reconciliation. I hope your WW continues to show progress and earn trust, but it's a marathon, not a sprint. Not sure a grown adult can suddenly transform on a "very fundamental level" so quickly.

Dday anniversaries are always tough but it does get better.

Also your wife was on a medication that changed her personality and I think you have to take into consideration that has a major impact in your situation.

I feel as though if the medication was not involved the affair would not have happened.

I’m happy things are going well for you.

redbaron007 wrote:
OP - it's obvious you desperately want reconciliation. I hope your WW continues to show progress and earn trust, but it's a marathon, not a sprint. Not sure a grown adult can suddenly transform on a "very fundamental level" so quickly.

Well, she did.

The1stWife wrote:
Also your wife was on a medication that changed her personality and I think you have to take into consideration that has a major impact in your situation.

If you had followed my story, which I don't expect everyone here has, you'd know there were some extenuating circumstances which The1stWife was understanding enough to point out. My wife was put on a powerful anti seizure medication with a bad reputation for creating problems and changing personalities. When she finished titrating it was like a switch flipped and she came out of it, horrified at the wake of destruction left behind her. All of her relationships had gotten strained, even with her mother, who she still talks to every day.

We're all glad she's back to her old self again now, but for a few months things got pretty ugly. She was fighting with everyone over everything. Look up keppra or "keppra rage." Keppra is a very good anti convulsant, but the possible side effects include irritability, anger, aggression, neuropsychiatric symptoms, thoughts of self harm, and even psychosis. I'm in a few different epilepsy groups on fb and their boards are littered with broken relationships with people who were put on it. That drug is the devil for some people. We were married for almost 27 years without so much as even a hint of infidelity when she was put on it.

This whole experience has changed her. She is more understanding now and listens better than she did before. To everyone. She has matured. She's pretty wracked with guilt over her behavior, and that's what's been driving her to change. She's so careful, considerate and deliberate with her words and actions now. Her Dr wants her to increase again and she's refusing to do it out of fear of what it might do to her. Plus she's been seizure free since last Halloween. If it happens again she's going to wean off and request an alternative instead of increasing keppra. We're not going through that again.

I know that doesn't absolve her of all wrongdoing. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but I also believe it would never have happened if she wasn't put on that drug. Unfortunately it did happen tho. It changed her. And I'm still scraping myself back together and dealing with the emotional fallout.

I've read hundreds of stories on here and other sites. I know it's not a sprint. She isn't a typical remorseless WW, tho. She's not a typical person in general. She's not what anyone would consider handicapped, but she is neurodivergent (as much as I hate seeing that word overused, it does apply here). She's wired a little differently from the rest of us. We're ahead of where most people would be in a similar situation.

Yes, I do want to reconcile, but I'm not so desperate I'd do it at any cost. One of the first things I did was call 3 different divorce lawyers and set up a couple of free first consultations. I was on my way out the door. I wasn't going to just sit there eating shit sandwiches while begging her to "pick me." If she hadn't changed as drastically as she did I was done. But change she did. She's been consistent and solid every day, every minute, for almost the last year now without even a hint of backsliding. I'm confident I have my wife back, but I'm also still really hurt the whole thing even happened to begin with.

You are strong. You’ll get through this.

BTW, not a good idea security-wise to broadcast your birth date. Might want to ask the mods to edit it out.

Wishing you well, NSGE

Thanks NSGE, I appreciate that.

BTW, not a good idea security-wise to broadcast your birth date. Might want to ask the mods to edit it out.

I did think about that and hesitated, but we do have a birthday thread pinned at the top of General, and several more in Fun and Games, so I threw caution to the wind, lol.

*ETA: How coincidental is it that my birthday is also "Purple Day," aka epilepsy awareness day??

Purple is the color for epilepsy so people are encouraged to wear purple on March 26 to raise awareness and reduce stigma surrounding it.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:09 PM, Friday, February 27th]

Pogre, I am epileptic so I can sympathize with the effects of Keppra. It's generally a broad spectrum anti-seizure med that's used when first diagnosed just to get things under control and they should or in my case did get me onto something without the "Kepp-rage". You're correct it's a fantastic anti-seizure medication with horrible side-effects on mood. It's good you're accounting for that BUT be careful not to excuse the choices and place some of the cause on the meds. I get that you do believe it had an impact and maybe your belief is due to how long she was on it (not sure how long it was....I was on it for about 4 months). In my case I'm the BS with a WW so I'm seeing it from the opposite perspective with me on the medication and her cheating but regardless, just be careful I guess is what I'm saying. It did change my personality and shorten my "fuse" so to speak but never to the point where it was altering my ability to think rationally. Again, it could be how long she was on it, which I would put squarely on the Drs or maybe she could have spoken up sooner about the side effects. I wish you nothing but the best and just thought I'd add some perspective from someone who is living with the disease, was betrayed and was also on Keppra for several months. I also hope she has her condition under control. It's not a well understood disease by many folks, with no cure, and alters your life quite a bit until you can get it under control, if ever.

Yeah, I get it. It wasn't keppra alone that caused her to do it. She may or may not not have done it without it affecting her the way it did, but I doubt it.

But I know you're right. That alone doesn't explain all of her actions. There were other issues she/we were dealing with as well. There was a whole constellation of circumstances that converged at once, but I do think keppra was a pretty big contributing factor. It doesn't affect everyone the same way, but it can even induce psychosis. She changed a lot, and I've read some real horror stories of other people who had to flat out be taken off of it. Meanwhile some people don't experience those negative effects at all. Her relationship with her family and friends had started to deteriorate as well. It was really miserable. She wasn't just irritable and short fused. She was downright unreasonable and nasty. That's very unlike her. Then within a couple of weeks of finishing titrating she went back to her old self. From what I've been reading, if it's going to have serious negative effects it's within the first couple of months.

Epilepsy really sucks. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I know it's a lot more than just dealing with seizures. I'll be wearing purple on my birthday!

ETA: She's been on Keppra for a little over a year now. The side effects started abating a couple of months after she finished titrating or we would have taken her off of it by now.

She's had epilepsy her whole life and it was caused by a traumatic brain injury when she was a baby. She fell off of a bed when she was 4 months old and was having nonstop seizures until they got it under control with meds. When she was 11 the seizures stopped altogether for 25 years, then came back. When they came back she was mostly having focal seizures, 3 or 4 a year, but I've seen her have a couple of tonic clonic seizures. One while she was sleeping and she stopped breathing for a while. That was terrifying. I called 911 that night.

Since starting keppra she's only had 2 focals, both lasted for about 30 seconds to a minute. Quite an improvement.

[This message edited by Pogre at 6:29 PM, Friday, February 27th]