SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One very, very helpful frame was said to me by our couples therapist:
"There are some conversations that couples, even those who've been married for 20, 30, or 50 yrs, never have".
It was a "DUH" moment for me - I assumed that my wife and I agreed that our marriage would be monogamous - I'm guessing that this is true for so many of us and that's part of what blows ours minds when an affair happens...it's like, "WAIT...I thought we had an agreement".
I initiated the conversation yesterday...I was surprised at first that my wife had difficulty hooking on to what I was asking her - then realized that I had to ask more directly. So, I said "I am hurting so badly from your love affair - I carry my hurt around constantly and every trigger breaks my heart...I need to know that our marriage is based on monogamy - are you in agreement with this?".

Having led with my hurt, my wife could hear me - whatever else had gone on in her head, she is clear that she does not want to hurt me and is sorry for the hurt she has brought...and, so, she gave me assurance that she was committed to a monogamous marriage, and , in a way that I believe to be true.

I think that leading with my hurt worked because it did not trigger blame in her...and, the proof is that my wife suggested that we set aside time each week to talk about her affair, my hurts, my triggers...and, believe me, this is a BIG step.

I am happy for you.

I feel a bit confused about this topic but might just be cultural or environmental.

The good thing is that she is making space for opening up and to respect your pain.

Good one

We were dealing with an infant when Open Marriage was a topic of conversation. W & I both read it, and we agreed - freely - that open M wouldn't work for us.

But ow told my W that she was giving me what I wanted, and she had more love to give and receive. She - ow - also said, although perhaps not in so many words, that W was enlightened enough to maintain 2 relationships.

After d-day, W professed not to know why monogamy was important, and I'm not sure I can articulate a good answer. I suspect, though, that it has to do with the energy required to create and maintain intimacy and with the fact that a relationship can't be intimate when there are secrets.

I am proud of the fact that W and ow told OBS about their plans but kept them from me, because they didn't think I was developed enough to participate. They got that right.

because they didn't think I was developed enough to participate. smile They got that right.

I like to be open minded.

But never to the point where my brain falls off

Seemoreclearly, that is certainly a step in the right direction.

I took a slightly different approach. A couple of days after discovery, I simply told my exww: "I will not be married to a cheater."

A simple matter of fact.

Personally, I don't think fidelity is an assumption in a marriage; it's the entire basis of a marriage. You didn't need to make any such assumption about your marriage. There's no fault on your part.

I don't know if I ever fully trusted my exww again. I wanted to have faith in her. For the most part, I believe she would have never done it again. But...

It's a chance you have to be willing to take. The only way to truly find out is to find out. She could have another affair. It's a possibility. Which means, on some level, you have to be ready for that.

Words are cheap. Her actions will tell you what you need to know.

I agree with Unhinged on this one. The entire basis of marriage is fidelity to the one you are marrying. The standard wedding vows clearly state this. Specifically the part about "...forsaking all others...".

If both partners discuss and honestly agree to open the relationship up to others that is their business, and I don't fault them for it. The problem with infidelity is not really the other person. It's not really the sex. The real problem is the willingness of the wayward spouse to lie to, and betray the other spouse. It's the short sighted selfishness and insensitivity to the damage they are causing that is the problem.

Early on I had to make sure my wife was on board with monogamy again as well. This is not a conversation we needed to have in the past because this is the default in monogamous relationships, which we were for sure in, but since she decided to include someone else on her own without my knowledge I had to hear her say it. That was one of the conditions for me to try reconciliation.

If you can believe this, on D-day my wife asked me if there was any way she could keep both of us (me and her affair partner)... My answer was short and direct. NO! It's a testament to the confusion caused by affair thinking.

I made it very clear marriage meant monogamy before we married.

So my H cannot "pretend" he was not aware of what a wedding ceremony meant. He knew. He just chose to lie and cheat despite me saying to him "please don’t cheat on me. If you find someone better just man up and be up front about it".

At least I would still respect you. Or that was my reasoning prior to the affair. Having worked for a divorce attorney for five years — I saw it all. 🤪