SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Its the bitterness of thinking you know somebody. i spent 7 years of my life with a man who was cheating on me the whole time. spoke to one of them today, and apparently shes had 5 abortions, has been sleeping at her house, and is still very much in contact with her. Even has a phone number i dont know about, every piece of my soul is breaking, knowing that i didnt listen to my intution. Ive been used and deceived for years. Im writing on here because there must be someone else going through this. im so heartbroken, i thought if i stayed good that eventually he would see that im worth it, but thats not the case, i feel even worse for my son that looks up to his dad so brightly. Broke up his family for what? now i have to figure out how im ever going to be okay. i dont think im ever gonna get over this.

[This message edited by Prayforlight62 at 4:56 PM, Friday, April 17th]

My heart goes out to you. I know life looks awful now, and it is, but that is temporary. You can survive and thrive. You won't get over this, but you can get through it.

I know you're filled with self-doubt, but in fact, this is your partner's failure, not yours. You are enough. He's the one who isn't. You really can survive and thrive.

Do you have a support system?

Gotta run, but I wanted to give you a little hope. Thousands of people have used SI. Millions have been betrayed and recovered....

Thank you. i do have a support system, but i have a bad habit of handling things on my own. Its embarrassing to say the least.

I just also wanted to pop in and say you've been heard and you will get more responses, probably later in the day. What you are going through is horrible, beyond most people's imagining. It's not even "normal" cheating, but an entire relationship based on nothing but fakery from your husband. Please know that he is NOT a normal human, he just isn't. Normal people don't have whole separate, secret lives for years. That is not normal behavior, and there's nothing you can do about it. People like this are like 2 - or maybe 3 or more - people in one. To me, it's almost like a schizophrenia. But his life with you is just one persona or part or role that he's made for himself and this has nothing to do with you except you got caught in it as a victim. There is no way a normal person could see this from the start. This is his mental and moral sickness and you cannot improve this situation or heal him or wait for him to be healed. That's not gonna happen. This is the way he is and understanding it or changing it is probably beyond the skills of any of us. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. This is in no way your fault, nor are you "stupid" or "gullible" or anything like that. You're a normal person - HE IS NOT. You have to get away from this - the people here will help you.

Stay with us, a lot of people have been greatly helped here, you're not alone :)

Pray, you are in good company that is why we say welcome to the club nobody wants to joi.

You are not alone and you will be heard here by people who can understand.

Thank you. i do have a support system, but i have a bad habit of handling things on my own. Its embarrassing to say the least.

So you are like me.

Take one advice from who was there:

Don’t.
Not for this one. Don’t handle it alone.

I have the same tendency, did just that. Took me 18 years to get where others get much faster.
Oh and the pain just gets gradually worse, not less.

Please trust me on this one.

About the guy.

When someone shows you how they really are, believe them.

You wanted him to be good, something tells me your gut knew it already, the intuition is rarely wrong.

The good news is you are going to be ok if you allow yourself to heal.
Right now you need to be heard, not to compress the emotions.

And put yourself first, the cheater is irrelevant now, is your pain and you that needs healing.

So fk him right now, consider like this person is out of the picture and allow your emotions space and whenever you feel, voice them here.

You will be heard.

Thank you so much, i actually cut off all ties with him tonight. i caught him at the woman's house, and confronted him and said my peace, and left. Blocked on everything. He no longer will have access to me, and will not be able to take advantage of me anymore. He can now terrorize someone else. Proud of myself for having a back bone, and realizing nothing will ever change.

So you were at that stage of a relationship, not married or living together yet right?

Perfect, you dodged the bullet in this case.
Still the attachment wound is very much real for you, and you need to take care for it to heal and not to drag on to the next relationship or just other facets of your life really.

It means processing your emotions and understanding it was never about you in the first place, rebuilding your boundaries in a way that this kind of broken people can never harm you anymore (does not mean shut down and dissociation, on the contrary is becoming centered and loving, of yourself first, and by consequence you will be even finding easier to connect to others without fear)

Mind that what you did, means you will fully heal and become stronger yourself if you tend to the wounds without rugsweeping and simply "moving on" ( trauma stays even if it hides silent will find a way to explode someday if you don’t resolve it).

And also he will try to come back, they always do, the moment you deprived his ego of your validation is the moment he will chase.
The way he is, he doesn’t give a shit about you or your pain or feelings, it’s all about him, his void, ego validation and his unresolved issues. But he will try his best act in tricking you into believing he cares, to win your validation back.

Read about the 180 and understand it.
If you can keep him out of your life = best possible outcome.
Now you can simply focus on your healing. We will be head to help you speeding it up.

But if not you have a tool to protect your boundaries until you’re self centered enough that nobody can threaten them anymore. Just in case.

nope just a relationship, and i wanted to be married but he always gave excuses. i delayed having another child with him because something told me not to. it didnt feel right. i already have a son with him, and barely ever did anything for him, and hes disabled at that. it was like being in a relationship but being a single mom at the same time. it was messed up. he has no way of contacting me right now so im hoping he never tries to speak to me again. right now all i feel is rage, no sadness, no grief, no regret. just mad as hell.

We are here for you, any time. This is an amazing community and resource.

And I'm adding to an earlier comment: use your support network!

I first caught my XH cheating years ago, and I attempted reconciliation (what turned out to be false R) alone. I have an amazing group of family and friends who always have my back, but I told only my sister. Outside of her, I struggled by myself for years, partly out of shame and partly out of the desire to protect my husband's reputation (which I know sounds backwards, but that's where my head was at the time).

Second time around, I kicked him out and filed for D, and all of my friends and family know the story. And then some...neighbors, colleagues, etc. I learned the hard way the first time that to go through this basically alone is just a way to harm yourself and prolong the suffering. I don't trash my XH and never have. I simply state the truth: He was unfaithful, and I chose to divorce him.

You are fortunate to have what sounds like a really supportive village around you. Use them!

yes i have my bestfriend of 10 plus years, that has always giving me pep talks. she keeps me going. i try not involve family too much because as you know family can sometimes be reckless, and then thats a whole different situation. But thank you so much for the kind words and supoort