SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for the update. It is positive. It appears your WW is capable of remorse and doing the work on herself to try and rebuild trust. Watch her actions and not her words. It is possible to successfully R. You heal you, and your WW heals herself and together you heal the M. Always value yourself. Good luck.

Thank you.

I know it's early on, but if I don't hope for the best I know I'll get stuck in a loop of making myself sick with worry, doubt and dealing with broken trust.

I'm trying to see my friends, work on my music, try and ride my bike or spend time outside, but it's hard to gather up the motivation some days/times. Right now I'm sitting at work and was having a sort of decent day and then my stomach got all wound up again.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

My wife got home from work last night (she works a closing shift two nights a week at the brewery she's at) at around midnight. I was in bed, struggling to sleep (pretty common for me the last two and a half weeks) and she put her arm around me and I started crying.

I got up out of bed and told her I need to lay down on the couch. I stayed there until about 6:30 this morning and got ready to go into the office. I don't normally go to my office on thursdays but I don't think I could have worked from home all day with her there.

I feel like getting up out of our bed and telling her "I don't feel good right now" may have showed her again just how much I'm struggling with this. I actually think I'm going to stay at my dad's for a few days as well.

It hits me in waves. For a few hours each day I feel "OK" then I think about what she did, and wonder "why?" even though she's told me. After reading a lot on the forum here, I know there's likely more to the story, but I don't think I could stomach it yet. Or maybe at all. But right now, I go back and forth between "I'm proud of me, I confronted her and stood up for myself" to "wow, she's that depressed, that stressed, that unhappy that she chose to do this and hurt me worse than ever."

This sucks.

Its called the emotional rollercoaster and it is a common emotional response to infidelity. You will be on this rollercosster for a while, but it does get better with time. Understand that unfortunately it is something you will go through.

Thank you.

Even if my wife's willing to try and work on this, I think I'm going to need some space. I might go stay with my dad for a few days to try and give myself a buffer. I'm sitting at my desk here at work and feel nauseous again.

I'm staying at my dads tonight and maybe even through the weekend.

She apologized again, apologized for "ruining our lives", and said she understands that I need space and time to think about what I want. As I'm typing this out, I think that even if she gave me her phone, computer and emails, showed me everything, answered all of my new questions, I don't know if I can get to the point where I'd be less anxious when she's not around.

Really does feel like I'm on the rollercoaster now.

It is normal, that’s why you read about giving it time before even thinking about reconciliation.

You need to recover first and it won’t be easy or quick, the trauma needs healing.

Then once you are centered you can start to consider your options.

Clarity is important because how you are now you’re not able to see clearly and make a balanced decision.
It’s normal, there will be a lot of push pull, ups and downs.

Give it time, it will get better

Thank you friend.

I can't express my appreciation enough for everyone here. Even a few days at my dad's can help. I don't want her out of my life, but I have to be able to arrive at my decision/conclusion in a safe space and on my own. Whether we work things out or not, I know I'll eventually be OK.

Whether we work things out or not, I know I'll eventually be OK.

Exactly.
That’s the end of the rollercoaster, you can just see it now (which is something) eventually you’ll reach it.

Emotions and feelings are your guide to rebuild your boundaries so follow them.

Need alone space? Take it.
Want to allow her closer? Also fine.

Your system is trying to regain its center.
It will manage if you put yourself first and keep healing

Thank you for saying so.

I'll keep posting updates here in the coming days and weeks.

We're here for you, Pete. This is a really rough time for anyone. Don't beat yourself up and take it a day at a time. There isn't any one "right" way to deal with this.

If it's any consolation at least your wife is showing some regret and repentance. Some wayward spouses can be pretty heartless and cruel. She seems to at least care what her choices have done to you. You both have a ways to go tho. These are early days. Stay focused on you and your healing.

Thank you, I hope I can be there for others here if needed.

My wife's at least been communicating what she has been up to at/after work, and today she's been more up front about her feelings. She took the link I emailed her to the therapy service (Lyra) I get through work, and she's begun looking for a therapist/counselor. She even said she'll setup an appointment for a medication evaluation to help with her depression.

Rollercoaster ride is certainly moving, but I hope the ride will end when it's meant to and we can move forward.

Well,

I stay at my dad's last night and slept for the first time in weeks. I can't believe I stayed asleep from 10:45 til around 5, got up to use the bathroom and fell back asleep til about 7:45. I resisted the urge to call/text. I didn't wake up and text her.

I do have to go back to our apartment today at some point to get a few things, but I plan on staying here at my dad's through the weekend.

I know this is likely part of the rollercoaster, but are thoughts of separation and divorce this early on normal? The reason I ask is, even just being here at my dad's for less than 24 hours helped me feel safer, I was able to relax a bit for the first time in 3 weeks. My dad and I talked for a while last night and he went over a lot of the details of his divorce with my mom. How my mom had cheated on him and made things unbearable for him. He stayed in their house for a year, trying to make things work but it ultimately took a horrible toll on him and then they split up. If I'm anything like my dad (ha) I wonder if cutting ties would be the best for me long term?

If my wife really means it that she wants to try and work through this, and can maybe try over-communicating to me to help ease my worries, anxiety, etc. about the situation, then maybe I can work things out with her after all. I know it's probably too early to tell, but I woke up feeling rested, and as I sit here in my old room at my dad's place, writing you all I feel a sense of security I don't have at home anymore.

This is one that you don’t overthink. You are the victim of abuse. Your body is telling you that you need distance to process the abuse. I’d listen to your body. Get stable first then worry about what happens next later. Give your body some time to find some level of chemical balance. Take a lot of walks, drink a lot of water, maximize your time outside.

Thank you.

I think I'm going to go get one of my bikes from our apartment and go for multiple rides this weekend. I'm going to try to ride and sleep as much as I can this weekend, maybe a few days of better sleep and being away from our place will help me clear my head.

[This message edited by petecarparts at 2:49 PM, Friday, June 5th]

Haven’t shared much about the affair itself.
What is her connection to OM?
Where did they meet initially?
Where did they meet for the make-out sessions?
Are they in any contact today?
Is he married?

Sorry,

She's told me that she met him when a local union TV crew came in to the brewery a few years ago. They reconnected earlier this year. I don't know where they met, not sure I need to know that, but I know it wasn't in our home. According to her, they are not in contact. Though at this time I have not demanded she show me her phone, I've wanted to stay calm and not be an "aggressor" here but I think when we talk next after my time of space at my dad's I'm going to ask for everything "just this once". I still want to/need to respect her autonomy and her feelings.

In some ways I totally understand you.

Marriage is a choice. It’s not something anybody is forced into. Either you or your wife can decide one-sided, for any or no reason, to NOT be married, and then no matter what the other does or wants they can terminate the marriage.
Of course, just like entering marriage should be a major choice based on contemplation and thought, so should leaving one be. It’s not an easy decision, nor can be done half-way.

So yes – it is her choice if she maintains contact with OM or not.
Just like it’s your choice if you remain in the marriage or not.

Privacy and secrets in a marriage are completely different things… Despite decades of marriage, I demand privacy when on the toilet. I also keep some thoughts like "should I buy that shiny new tool or that new fly-fishing rod" private while thinking about it. Yet once the thought becomes decision… it’s no longer private. I can’t hide the new table-saw in the garage and hope she doesn’t notice. Sorry – she might be entitled to keep the thoughts about if she wants OM or not private, but once they become actions such as maintaining contact… they are a secret, and a secret that has no place in a marriage.

But… you don’t want to force her. I get that. You want to be a husband and not a warden.
Best solution IMHO is simply to focus on what you can control and what you want.
Like telling her something along these lines:

Your infidelity has shaken the very foundations of our marriage. I don’t want to have to be a warden monitoring you about your daily activities. If you want to pursue OM, contact OM, be with OM or have doubts about our marriage then that’s OK – you are totally free to do so. Only show me the respect of not doing so as my wife.
If that’s what you want or are doing – then let’s do the right thing and accept our marriage is over. We can start as amicable as process as possible within the law of terminating our marriage.
Not what I want, but beats feeling you are here not by free choice or that you want to, and it beats feeling like I am sharing you.
If you do want the marriage I need the absolute truth – no matter what. I would also need to hear and experience how you are going to assure me through deeds and actions that there is no contact whatsoever with OM. That will include a NC letter (see below).
Hopefully you can convince me that you are totally on board with our marriage but it’s also OK if it’s over. It’s your call, and possibly within your power to convince me you are being earnest.
Keep in mind that any lies or omitted truths, or any ongoing contact will inevitably float to the surface and will 100% cause more irrevocable damage than if shared now.
It’s totally your choice but unless you commit I'm simply assuming you have chosen the affair over the marriage.

The NC letter is short and non-emotional:

OM – I am focusing 100% to my marriage and my husband. I will not initiate or respond to any contact with you and ask that you respect this. Any attempted contact will be shared with my husband and can lead to legal action.

I needed that reminder. Thank you.

I was way too conciliatory and worried about my wife's feelings initially but after time went by and a lot of processing and a lot of good advice from this website I realized that what I was doing was in her best interest and not mine and that was the absolutely incorrect way to handle this

I did it because I was scared that if I was too demanding she would just say I'm out of here and I was afraid she would go running to him. But after I got my balls back I started saying how things will go and what she has to do, or else.

About five years ago I asked my wife what she thought about us going to a marriage counselor. Her response was was an emphatic NO. I asked why and she said I think it could bring up other problems in our marriage to which I replied well wouldn't that be a good thing to discuss these problems and she said I think it's a bad idea so no. So then I'm left wondering what other problems are so big we can't discuss them and I don't see them

After D-Day I in a nice way demanded my wife start IC. According to her the reason she was against the idea 5 years ago is because of her childhood and facing some pretty horrible stuff that no child should be exposed to. In hindsight she wishes we had gone because maybe the affair wouldn't have happened but I am dubious about that

So my advice is to figure out what you want what you need and you simply tell her and you give her the option of doing it or she is free to move on