SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

22 August 2026 I found out my super kind and sweet husband had been having an affair with some who works for him. I haven’t slept properly, I’ve lost about 10 kilos from not eating. At first, my resting heart rate was in the 90s, at least that’s settled.
The more details I add the worse it gets. He trickle truthed me at first. It was only a couple of months while we were separated, then never while we lived together. Then, it was happening right up to January this year.
My husband and I have been together for awhile, and our relationship has endured different seasons. But now I look at him and I don’t know him. At first, when I found out I asked too many explicit questions, which he unfortunately answered. Now I am left heartbroken.
He started a business in 2018, employed her remotely in 2019. Then in 2022 she moved cities to be in the same city as us. At that time her marriage fell apart.
I hold him responsible 100%. And he betrayed me. However, she booked the hotel the first time. She love bombed him with gifts. Moving cities, according to her, was partly motivated by being near him. I have so much hate towards her.
I want to heal, I want to build a happy and healthy marriage. I want to look at my husband and not imagine him with her.
For the short term, they need to work together. She now works from home and their contact is through work channels only which I see most days. I am satisfied the affair is over, he shares his location I do not think they have continued. But how do we progress? I think I’m ok, then while lying in bed a violent jerk awake because the images in my mind are so traumatising.
I want my marriage. I want my husband. I want my life back.

You will start feeling better when she’s no longer employed by your Husband.

But you will need to feel safe and that is his job - - to make amends, have true remorse, do anything to start to rebuild trust with you and make you feel safe.

FYI it takes years to recover from this. It’s a trauma. You will have triggers. You will be on " high alert" and suspicious for awhile. But you will start to see that you will take some steps forward )and then maybe one back) but month over month you will see improvements.

I’d suggest getting a counselor just for you to help you heal. It will help you decide what you want and what you need from the marriage.

The cheater should also get counseling (also individually).

I hope this helps you.

Thank you for your message. We are both in individual therapy and couples counselling. I agree wholeheartedly, the ongoing contact, albeit minimal and restricted to work is troubling. There’s some business restructuring that should start to settle by July 1. He doesn’t see her working for the company long term. Obviously I have no contact with her, but the day after I found out we did have a phone conversation. She said then that she was in love with him, feelings he says he does not reciprocate. So while he might want her to leave the business whether or not she will is completely unknown.

I smiled reading your tag under your message, survived two affairs, happily reconciled 12 years on. It’s possible, it takes two committed people. Thank you.

Welcome to the unwanted club.

Before thinking about reconciliation it’s important you put above anything else you’re healing.

Him too.

He is broken, and he broke you too.

Until you fully recovered from this trauma and he completely changes a true reconciliation (which I understand you want) is domed.

You must heal yourself and he must do his own healing.

Unfortunately is not going to be a fun ride, there will be likely more blows as the lies fall like a house of cards, before he truly realizes (if he is sincere) and owns what he did. Until then you can’t count on him.

You must put yourself first.

Don’t keep the emotions locked in, allow yourself to be heard, is what you need the most.

You have been heard

One thing: You all need to talk to an employment lawyer…I’d be a bit worried about claims she may have against your husband.

So sorry you’re going through this.

Thank you for the messages. I agree about the employment situation, it's a real fear I have. Also, I am realising that I have thrown myself into trying to repair the marriage without first focusing on myself. I will put my time and energy into that.

I am scared, but the rational part of me already has the answer. If we can't heal ourselves, we can't really build a happy and healthy marriage after this devastating thing. I am scared that if we take the time to heal he will move on. That's my irrational fear. If he does move on, then we weren't ever going to rebuild. I have been so scared to let go, I have been trying so hard to save the marriage that I haven't let him or me have the space and time we need.

I am almost not going to post this, but as I read and type I am realising more about myself and where we are.

It;s often said that the BS has to heal the BS, the WS has to heal the WS, and THEN you can heal the M.
It’s also said that you must be willing to lose the M. Both are true.

Focus on you. If he does the work to heal himself, then you can work on R. As you said, if he doesn’t, well then R was never going to work anyway. Risk losing the M. Focus on you.

It’s hard as hell, so sending strength. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders - keep that up. You can get through this!

You are in individual counseling which is great but I highly recommend you cancel the couples counseling for now. MC's tend to focus on putting the affair behind you and building a brand new shiny sparkly relationship and in my opinion that is complete BS. I had not found this forum yet and my knee-jerk reaction was to demand MC right away and in hindsight I realize that was a big mistake

He needs to find a way to get rid of her without triggering wrongful termination lawsuit because there's a good chance she has evidence of their relationship that he probably does not know about and that will definitely be used against him.

I wanted my wife to quit her job but it provides health insurance for the family and being a father of three boys I had to accept the fact that she had to keep that job so every morning when she left to go to work I knew she would be in the same building as her AP and it was rough to say the least. No matter how she tried to console me by saying she was staying in her office unless she had to go to the bathroom and if she did she made sure to avoid him it didn't help because I knew they were still in the same building together

You have found a great place for support and advice, we are here for you

WithSoMuchLove I am so sorry you are here and I really felt the pain...

I want my marriage. I want my husband. I want my life back.

many of us understand that feeling in the early stages and it is not only wanting the person back, it is wanting the reality back and the safety back and the version of life that existed before everything became contaminated by images questions and fear.

I think I’m ok, then while lying in bed a violent jerk awake because the images in my mind are so traumatising.

Totally understand the intrusive images can feel brutal because they arrive in the body as much as the mind and not just thinking about what happened it is reacting to trauma.
I also relate to what you said later about throwing yourself into trying to repair the marriage before focusing on yourself and such a natural instinct because the whole world feels like it has cracked open and you want to put everything back together quickly just to stop the pain. But I am learning too that healing yourself has to come first because otherwise reconciliation can become another way of trying to survive rather than a real choice.
The ongoing work contact would be very hard for me as well even if it is restricted and visible.

I hope that situation changes as soon as possible because feeling safe is not a small thing after betrayal - please be gentle with yourself as wanting the marriage does not mean you have to rush your healing and needing space does not mean you are giving up - it just means you are trying to find your footing after something devastating.

Thank you all for your thoughts and messages. Focusing on me, my healing and my actions is actually calming. I’m on my way to enjoy a hobby I loved beforehand. It’s a time consuming hobby, an I have shied away from it because in the past I realised when I went off to join my snorkelling group he most likely was off at her place. But today I am reclaiming something that I used to enjoy. I don’t feel anxious about him, more worries if there’s sharks in the water! One day at a time!

Hello,

I am so sad to hear this.
I want to suggest something different that I learned. Many people talk about "healing individually" then coming back together and working on the marriage.

I disagree with this.

And why I disagree with this is what I have learned from Dr. Jake Porter. He explained that the data shows couples who heal separately come away with "separate stories" about the marriage and the betrayal.

Those who heal together...using his method called "Couple Centered Recovery" come away with a "Common Story" and have a much better chance of staying together.

Search YouTube for "Jake Porter Couple Centered Recovery" and watch his content.

Well, my dear, you're gonna go back and forth at this time because that happens to most people. People tend to want things to go back like they were before but you can't because now you know what your husband is capable of. You can't unknow it. This is him. There are only 2 reasons for cheating: 1. Because they want to, 2. They think they can get away with it. That's it. Everything else is an excuse including depression and addiction and all the other bullshit that the rest of us deal with without cheating. It's a choice they make. Many no longer really want to be married or they think they can have it all. Those are not adult ideas.

Right now, you should talk to a lawyer - interview a few, maybe 3 or so - about divorce and see what it looks like for you. Collect all the evidence you can and keep it in a safe place, maybe not in the house. Save up your money if you can, you may need it. Get an STD test and make sure you're okay. Check your finances and be sure he is not spending money on this or setting aside for his OWN future. Once they start lying and deceiving you like this, you don't know what else they could be doing. Assume the worst.

I am NOT a believer in Recon. I'm just not. I think once you know, you know. This is what they are capable of. I'm not a trusting person to begin with, if you blow that with me, it's gone. Others may be willing to try, but I think everyone just wants to recapture what is gone. If you recapture it, it's probably a new relationship and it has to be one where YOUR NEEDS ARE FULLY MET. I bet that hasn't been happening in this marriage.

Try to calm down and realize....he's not all that. If he were, he wouldn't be doing this. He's a seriously flawed person with moral issues....you can probably do better. Decide what you want for your own life, for yourself, what you want to achieve in life with or without him. Maybe you do it on your own, maybe you do it with someone else. BUT...one thing is true, you don't need this guy. At some point we all end up alone even if we are widowed and we have to handle that. The only life you control is your own. Don't break your heart over this loser.