SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are college sweethearts, been together for 13 years and married 2 years ago. For months now, I’ve had suspicions that something felt off. Despite not finding evidence, alas I found a text 5 weeks ago. I was completely blindsided. He was in limerance and once I found out everything, what I had in front of me was hard to believe. He not only had an affair behind my back for 3.5 years, he was romance scammed. The crazy part is this woman flew from Asia on multiple occasions. My assumption is that she has multiple men she’s doing this to. Either way, she lied about having cancer, being abused, the whole nine yards. After finding out and making him aware of the truth, he seems to have come to his senses. What I’ll never get over is the premeditated meetings in hotels, it’s beyond me. Days of endless talking on the way home, on the way to work, at home, it’s truly truly beyond me. I’m absolutely devastated. I asked why, he said after the death of his dad, he spiraled and didn’t know how to speak to anyone. And this is what he did, and that grew into something he couldn’t pull himself out of. I will never understand, it will never make any sense.

Despite the fact that he’s remorseful, it doesn’t change anything. He keeps saying he wants to change for himself. All I know is, I’m hurt, I’m devastated, and i’m humiliated. Nothing changes the fact that 13 years I’ve spent with him were not always perfect, but he was my best friend. And for him to throw it all away, I just have no words.

Sorry not much time to respond.

This is a world destroying fear I have as well with my people pleasing wife. I get what You are feeling

Remember – you have options.
If you decide to stay married then it’s your decision to do so.
Don’t be afraid of making demands. Like I would want him to seek IC for his issues. I would want total openness and accountability. I would question how he could divert the funds (I’m taking it a scammer isn’t doing this for free) as well as the amount.

Remember that if he doesn’t comply with what you need you always can file.

If he opens up, then with time you will feel safer. That is a good time to create the marriage you want.

I understand the hurt and betrayal you are experiencing. It doesn’t make sense why someone would do this.

It’s hard to understand now, in the early stages of finding out about the affair. But the choice to cheat has NOTHING to do with you. And everything to do with the cheater.

The cheater cheats for one reason - they want to. They like the attention and ego boost the affair gives them. The other woman or affair partner is available and new. Exciting even. Someone new to the cheater.

In your case it goes deeper because he was also scammed out of money. Just another thing to deal with on top of the betrayal.

Please consider getting some professional help for yourself. Someone who can help you navigate this process and support YOU.

Don’t make any permanent decisions in the first 90 days after you have discovered the situation. You want to be sure you are not reacting but are making decisions for the right reasons.

Please financially protect yourself as well, to the best of your ability.

Continue to post here - you will get great support.

I’m so sorry rn1892. 3.5 years is a long time, what a nightmare. If ever there were a case to prove that affairs are based in fantasy, this is the one. Instead of talking to his actual best friend (you), he talked to a make-believe person. But like you said, the affair was real.

If you haven’t done so already, seek out a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma.

You should also get tested for STDs.

Five weeks is a short period of time, you can stay undecided about your marriage for as long as you feel you need.

What kind of guidance are you looking for?

I’m just navigating a lot of new stuff and the emotional roller coaster is heavy. I’m already incredibly stressed out. Trying to find a new therapist who can help me, my old one left her practice (perfect timing). I’m starting a new job, moving to a new place with him (for now). It’s a lot to process and idk where I’m supposed to be in this grief or what I should be doing. It’s hard to eat, it’s hard to look at him.

I’m not even in the right head space to consider repair. I don’t know if it’s possible. I can’t help but feel sadness when I look at him. Sadness that he threw it all away and we may never feel the same way about each other again.

It’s really hard, I’m sorry RN.

You have to make sure you eat. Try protein shakes and power bars if you really have no appetite. Stay hydrated too. Make sure to get some exercise. Low intensity exercise is good for lowering cortisol, so take a long walk if you can.

See a doctor about getting some anti-anxiety meds if you need it. If you’re having trouble sleeping, your doctor can also give you some sleeping pills.

You should also see a lawyer. Not to start the D process, but just to gather information about what it might look like. The more uncertainty you can remove, the more you’ll start to feel more in control. So meet with someone for informational purposes, often the first consultation is free.

You’re not "supposed" to be anywhere with your grief. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, and with emotions, the only thing you can do is feel them.

I’m sorry you’re suffering right now.

So sorry you're here RN. No, it doesn't make sense. It never will. Gently, you're in shock and grieving. WHY he engaged in a 3.5 year betrayal, and WHY he offered himself up to a romance scammer like a lamb to the slaughter are the burning questions. So soon after D-day it's natural to latch on to any plausible explanations rather than face the painful truth - - our partners aren't the people we thought they were. Sounds like he's talking a good game (pay attention to what he DOES not what he SAYS) - his father died - he withdrew - he spiraled - he couldn't pull himself out of it - he was in limerence - he wants to change for himself. Nah, he did it because he wanted to. Because he got something out of it. And he married you - essentially defrauded you - while enmeshed in a LTA (long term affair). I'm PO'd on your behalf just reading this post!

This nightmare is a lot to recover from. This is trauma. Please take exquisite care of yourself. Put the focus on you. Let him untangle himself. As others have suggested drink protein shakes, get support from the new therapist (someone trained in trauma recovery would be ideal), see your doctor for temporary meds if needed and get that STD testing...... AND please don't isolate yourself. Hope there are trusted friends or family members - at least one IRL human you can open up to for emotional support. Someone who has your back no matter what you decide? Please don't deny yourself comfort from people who care about you to protect his image, or because you feel shame or embarrassment about HIS choices. Post D-day one of the best things I did for my wellbeing was open up to a few select people. Their unconditional love and support made a huge difference.

The cheater cheats for one reason - they want to. They like the attention and ego boost the affair gives them. The other woman or affair partner is available and new.

In your case it goes deeper because he was also scammed out of money. Just another thing to deal with on top of the betrayal.

THIS. Next steps are brutal and may take an emotional toll, but you need to protect yourself if you haven't already done so. First, keep all the proof you found safe - maybe keep it backed up at work or store it with a friend or neighbor. Asking him "hey where'd you get the money?" or "how much did you blow on her?" doesn't feel adequate in this situation. Hope you're keeping an eagle eye on all finances, and hope you have access to all financial information so you can figure out how much $$ was funneled into OW's pocket. Assume he paid when she flew from Asia and stayed here - airline tickets, hotels, in hotel services, food.....and gifts. Did he help her with "medical bills" and housing to leave the "abuse", etc.? 3.5 years of embezzlement could add up to significant $$. How was he able to divert that money? Is there hidden debt or missing funds from retirement or savings? Unusual gift card purchases? Large cash withdrawals?You're married, so half of that frittered away money - 1/2 of ALL the money - is YOUR money. By law.

This really stinks! Know you're reeling right now, and it's challenging enough to wrap your brain around this new reality without having to play forensic accountant on top of everything else. But, self-care after infidelity must include financial self-care. You're struggling with so much right now - a new job, moving to a new home and managing life while riding the infidelity emotional roller coaster. If you can afford it, could be worth it to pay a professional to help dig through financials, and to limit the inherent trauma involved with digging. Depends upon your joint $$ situation. Discuss with a lawyer. Whether you go or stay, knowing the extent of the financial damage seems prudent. Talking to a lawyer doesn't mean you have to divorce right this minute. Knowledge is power. Understanding your options and legal rights could restore some equilibrium and help to visualize possibilities.

Do you have to move into the new place with him? The planned move might be fortuitously timed.....time apart could give you some peace and space to figure things out. ***ETA: talk to a lawyer about how NJ views continued co-habitation after discovering annulment grounds or in a "fault" divorce situation. See below***

In your case, not sure the usual "take as long as you need to decide...........take 90 days to make big decisions" advice is necessarily a sound approach. Sometimes financial cheaters are adept at hiding $$, moving money, erasing $$ trails. Please protect yourself financially ASAP. Don't wait on that. Talk to a lawyer about ways to financially protect yourself NOW, whether you go or stay in the marriage. Don't be shy - they've heard it all. Example question = What does D vs separation look like in your jurisdiction?

I'm no lawyer, but another reason to consider making some decisions soon - the clock starts ticking on ability to file an annulment once you've discovered grounds. One could argue that him marrying you while in an active affair with OW - an OW he financially supplemented with marital funds - is fraud. Fraud is grounds for annulment. Annulment could provide superior financial protection vs divorce. It all depends on your specifics......Another thing to look into with a lawyer - apparently NJ allows "fault" divorce in cases of infidelity. If divorce or annulment are options you'd consider, don't sleep with him. Continuing marital "relations" could be viewed as "condonement" - that you were okay with the situation. And you've been in this relationship a long time. If you're financially dependent or been financially entwined for years might be worth looking into what common-law rules look like in your state and how that might play out with a 2 year marriage, separation, annulment or divorce. Again, I'm no expert. Just a fellow BS who researched my options. Hope this info helps your decision making RN.

So sorry you're struggling right now. IME, around 6-8 weeks the shock wore off a bit and righteous anger kicked in. Everyone is different, but cycling through emotions, including anger, is common. My advice: use that righteous indignation to light a fire in your belly to do what's necessary to take care of YOU. Don't try to suppress it. Embrace it! Short of doing crazy stuff of course. Hoping the best for you. Please take care.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 5:20 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

Thankfully, I’ve looked up a lot of things and talk to a lawyer so I have a lot of options at this point. One of the things I’m debating is if I should separate and just get my own place maybe that will help me process things easier. We’ve also explored the option of a hybrid separation so on his weeks off, he would be at his mom’s so that I can be alone.

One of the things I’m also having a lot of difficulty navigating is whether or not I feel any kind of emotional connection to him anymore. I feel that there is love there, but romantic? That I’m not so sure anymore. I know it’s too early right now to figure that stuff out, but I just don’t want to feel like this is consuming my everyday life. I would like to wake up one day and not have to think about this anymore. It makes me sad to know that the person who I look forward to seeing every single day is somebody that I’m walking on eggshells around now.

Sister few things.

First even if it was written with a neon sign "I am scamming you " he would have still pursued it the same way.

He might be fully aware and still go the whole way.
Why?

Because affairs are twisted, they aren’t dating. This woman is not your competition. It’s not a real connection.

Is a projection of the cheater’s flaws, low self worth, escapism into a fantasy to feel emotions that quiet his insecurities for a moment and give him a dopamine high.

Is completely selfish, transactional, empty. The dressing up of the romance is a storyteller the cheater does, to lie themselves into allowing them to do a repulsive sexual and emotional abuse towards their partner.

They know they are the villain here, but they can’t survive facing it, so they’re lying and betraying themselves first, the story is a fundamental element in any infidelity.

The chemical high and low coming from secrecy and the forbidden, is what keeps it going as a surrogate for genuine and honest emotions, because they are the same chemicals we produce during love (just a different mix but same endorphins) they need to amp it up more and more, so the feelings support the narrative of their own lies, "if I feel it enough it becomes true, and I am not therefore a disgusting, pathetic bastard."

And all in all, this very mechanism masks and quiets temporary the ghosts that are lying in the deepest unresolved issues, that make him crave this escapism in the first place. The origins of this broken character flaws.

All the affair is, is the person escaping from themselves.
The horror is, that they destroy you mercilessly in this process, and you find out how cruel and dehumanizing and deceiving they can be, nobody can take this and live on unchanged. It destroys you and your attachment.

What you feel is normal. You still love but at the same time you are in shock for the trauma caused by the person you loved, showing their true colors and who they really are.

Is like getting shot in the back by your closest one so they could take a few hits and get high or drunk for five minutes. And they are ready to do it without a reason at all, repeatedly. All while saying they love you and pretend to be your half.

Now sister.

You don’t have to do anything, there is no rush in decisions or a timer.
What you need is to protect yourself.

You suffered relational shock. It is a sexual and emotional abuse that caused a deep trauma in you, one of the deepest a human being can ever experience, and an attachment wound that will impact everything in you life, past present and future.

What he is and who is his and how he feels right now is irrelevant.

You come first. You need to heal this horrible wound to reclaim your peace and center from the emotional chaos and pain you are right now experiencing.

You are the prize.
He is a cheater, pathetic, worthless, broken and coward.

Unless he owns what he has done and deeply changes, it’s absolutely useless that you try to get recognition for your pain, understanding and compassion.

You will get nothing, nobody ever gets any.

Until he is in the fog, he only cares about his ego, his dopamine addiction and tops about his shame.

And shame is not remorse, is just feeling ashamed to have been found out under a spotlight for being the villain, pathetic, weak, dirty and the opposite of what he strives to present himself.

Nobody likes or want this kind of person, they are worthless. And he wasn’t like this, he choose to become like this rather than facing his issues and ghosts.

And you?
You want to come back to be the person you once were, not the shattered one he made bleed without mercy, the abuse victim.

That’s why you come first.
That’s why you need to be heard, all your paint, grief, emotions, and there will be a lot, is a long rollercoaster from hell before anything will start to make sense again.

But it will if you focus on healing.
And while you recover from the shock you will start to get clarity on what actions you can and want to take to progress towards full recovery.

You have been heard.

Thank you for this. I feel like I have no support because I haven’t told any of my friends. I’ve only told my two sisters.

I’m thankful that I found this for him during a time where it’s incredibly difficult to navigate what the best course of action is. I’m trying to focus on myself right now, journaling, meditating, praying, exercising, it’s been incredibly hard. I’m longing for the day where I have clarity to make a decision because right now I feel like I’m in limbo.

He’s doing everything he should be for somebody who wants repair, but I don’t think I’m ready to be receptive to any of this right now. The one thing I want more than anything at this point is to heal and to feel confident in myself to make the right decision. Having trust in myself matters to me more than trusting him.