SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:06 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:07 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:07 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

I'm sorry you're hurting, IAT.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:08 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

When does that stop being my title? When am I worth more than giving sex to someone that doesn’t want me?

It stops when YOU decide it stops.

Look, you messed up. You know that. But every human is messed up. Every human has caused hurt, done bad things, lost their way. And no one deserves to be judged forever on the worst thing they ever did. And neither do you.

Try to focus on you now - on doing the work to be the best version of yourself that you can be. It sounds like that version doesn't include your BH. That's sad, and it's okay to be sad about it but his healing is on him. You can't do it for him, no matter how much you may wish to. And beating yourself up about it and saying such awful things to yourself doesn't help you to heal.

I'm sorry you're hurting IaT.

When am I worth more than giving sex to someone that doesn’t want me?

You're worth more NOW, you just won't let yourself see it.

Can you call your IC and talk with them about what you're feeling, so you have an ear IRL?

LET GO...please please let go.

He is not the villain.

You are not the villain.

You are both WORTH SO MUCH.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 5:35 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 11:35 PM, Tuesday, June 1st]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:08 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

IAT...

Take this with all the love in the world...

HE IS NOT USING YOU! Has it ever occurred to you that he is confused, still tied up in his feelings, etc?

You are weaponizing sex while being mad at the fact that he has sex with you. You are actually one of my favorite posters but you are attaching malicious intent to his actions but not yours.

You are never going to move forward if you continue to paint him as the victim of your choices and him the victim of yours.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 6:01 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:09 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:10 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

I don't know your story other than you evidently cheated on your husband. I know nothing about your husband so it is next to impossible to make a judgment on what were his motivations. But I will give you my two cents anyway. I can tell you as a BS, I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place. I loathed the idea of getting a divorce but I also had zero tolerance for her infidelity. These two extremely strong conflicting values made me bury everything deep down inside me. I opted not to divorce, but I felt disgusted and dead toward her. Instead of acting out like your husband, I play-acted like all was fine even though my soul was being eaten alive. It did not help that her questionable behavior continued. For many WSs, their marriage is just not that important. Their particular needs outweigh the BS and the relationship. The consequences aren't so tough. Those that realize that they made a horrible decision to betray their spouse and family and truly desire for the marriage to continue will suffer substantially for their choice. I can understand your dismay and hurt. But I also get it that your husband will never let go of the devastation of your affair. Unless his present behavior is similar to how he acted prior to the affair, you can basically chalk it up to the conflict he has between his love for you and his family against the hurt and betrayal he feels every day he is with you. He is in between that rock and a hard place and he can't resolve the contradiction to his satisfaction. I think that is why his behavior seems to yo-yo back and forth. Just my two cents. Sounds like you have learned from your experience. Apply it to your next relationship if this one ends in divorce. If my ex-WW was like you, I think we might have made it as a married couple. That is what is so sad about your story. It just didn't have to happen. For some of us, you just can't imagine unringing that bell.

[This message edited by src9043 at 1:30 AM, July 17th (Saturday)]

perhaps dumb question... have you offered to take a polygraph to show him that you have nothing else to tell him?

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 6:59 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

I don't see a stop sign so I'm going to post.

IAT,

Stop being a victim, and start being a mother bear. Please.

You need to pull yourself together for your kids.

They keep asking when they’ll see him.

You accept that you are getting divorced. Your husband has parental responsibilities and it's not fair to them (or to you) for him to take out his anger/confusion/or whatever is going on on them.

Speak to your lawyer, (if you don't have one, get one) and have her/him arrange for visitation with both parents. (Should you reconcile you can withdraw the divorce petition, or get remarried down the road.)

(I'm) ... missing yet another divorce support group because I can’t even poop or shower alone.

No. That's not OK. Find a sitter, call his grandma to come watch her grandkids, or if those don't work, find an online meeting. Use a headset and sit in your closet if you have to in order to get privacy for the meeting. Or sit in your car in the garage while the kids watch a movie.

You need to be a healthy parent, and to do that you need support. You need counseling. And you need boundaries.

If you don't have a therapist, find one. Again, many are meeting online.

Call your physician about going on an antidepressant. If you can't do it by telemedicine, then take the kids with for the appointment.

Keep the phone number of the suicide hotline, 800-273-8255, somewhere visible where you can see it, and if you have any guns in the house, for god's sake get rid of them.

You are full of shame right now. Give yourself some compassion. We are all worthy and we all make mistakes. You did. Your husband did.

Google articles about dealing with shame and see if anything resonates with you. Get the help you need so you can help your kids.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 7:07 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

IAT...

Again...you act like his feelings aren't confused.

You will always helpless when you hand your agency over to someone else.

I hope you reach out to some support (not your BS) in real life.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 7:08 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

The only communication you should be having with HM right now is through a parenting app for matters pertaining to the kids. Nothing good happens when you continue to see and speak to each other, let alone play house. I have told you this before and will keep telling you this for as long as you’re on here.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:15 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:10 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:11 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:11 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]