SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have decided to draft a letter informing his wife what has been going on between her husband and my wife but I'm having trouble finding where they live so I can have a letter delivered. I tried the usual records search in our county but all I can find is a house they sold about 4 years ago.

How did you find the OBS?

Linked In

I’d say social media is probably your best bet. I didn’t have an OBS to find but that’s how I found the AP.

Depends.

If you want your wife to know and you want to test her, tell her to give you contact information. Her reaction I imagine would be very telling as to what is going on.

If you want secrecy that kind of information is widely available or a simple PI will charge you a small fee to get it. I was surprised how little it cost to get information. It expensive to have people followed, but information seems inexpensive comparatively.

@hardyfool

I have the cell phone number he was using and AFAIK that's all my wife had as well

I do not plan on telling her until after the letter has been delivered

I assume since he is a teacher (sorry I just read your history quickly so I might be mistaken) that you have his name as well, or could find it since most teachers are on school websites/yearbooks. I doubt your wife didn't know his name.

A PI can easily get the information for you with the number and his name.

[This message edited by hardyfool at 12:38 AM, Sunday, September 15th]

A PI can also deliver the letter. By my lights people put to much faith in a registered letter that can supposedly only be signed for by the intended recipient. Even the arrival of such a letter can be a tip off to an AP who knows the BH is aware of the affair.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 2:44 AM, Sunday, September 15th]

There's paid websites like "truthfinder" that look up legal records, email addresses, phone numbers and recorded addresses. It's not too expensive.

If you are pretty confident the cell number that you have is not a burner phone, there are websites you can pay to get the billing address. If it’s a house you can then get the tax info for the property (who owns it etc) and go from there. Thats where I started my investigation 2 decades ago.

Try Spokeo or another skip-tracing site. A one time fee is usually around $2.

ETA: We are related, so not an issue except AP said she'd tell, but lied (surprise, a lie). Another relative spilled the news.

[This message edited by leafields at 6:20 AM, Sunday, September 15th]

@ohitsyou

No idea if it's a personal cell or one issued by the employer

Just tried finding her on LinkedIn, no luck

Truthfinders worked. The report listed an email address and a current address. Do I send an email asking "Does your husband work at (name of business)?
If so, there is something you need to know about your husband and my wife" or do I pay a messenger to hand deliver a letter to her?

[This message edited by WB1340 at 1:29 PM, Sunday, September 15th]

Truthfinders worked. The report listed an email address and a current address. Do I send an email asking "Does your husband work at (name of business)? If so, there is something you need to know about your husband and my wife" or do I pay a messenger to hand deliver a letter to her?

I'd recommend both. I'd also recommend saying "If so, there is something you need to know about your husband and my wife. Please contact me before checking with him, as he may try to hide his involvement with her."
Since they claim the A was mostly EA and texting, he will certainly begin shredding evidence if he thinks you've reached out. Of course, he may have already since your WW reportedly ended it, but maybe not.

@1994

Four days after D-Day I had a face to face conversation with him at the place they both work at. It was a calm conversation as I was so gutted and empty I could not have gotten upset or angry at anyone. My wife was a bit upset when she learned that afternoon that I had stopped by and had a face-to-face conversation with him. She was afraid that people could have overheard our conversation or figured out what was going on by our body language. My response was I don't care

The day before I had my wife send him a text message saying you need to respond that you understand that my husband has copies of our messages and you agree that there will be no further contact

He replied at 8:00 a.m. the next morning saying he understands and there will be no further contact. Could they still be in contact with each other? Absolutely

If he was going to shred evidence he would have done it already

Ah, so. He almost certainly has. This adds even more importance to the OBS knowing, since she's likely in the dark.
What an absolute POS. I commend you on keeping your composure. Also, with your WW being afraid of other people finding out,
a step often recommended in the aftermath of D-Day is exposing the A to others. I understand not wanting to expose them to their employers, but does anyone else in your family know? As embarrassing as it may be for you personally (hot take: it shouldn't be because you did nothing wrong, but I understand why that may be tough), exposing her to others in your circle really shines a bright light on the A and makes it much less appealing.

@1994

My brother knows but no other family members. She told her sister and BFF. I've not told anyone in our circle of friends

[This message edited by WB1340 at 7:23 PM, Sunday, September 15th]

If I were attempting to reach an OBS I would use multiple avenues simultaneously and in the most embarrassing ways possible. The reason is I imagine he has already been busy covering this possibility and might have several points of interception.

I would also consider making it far more public including allowing it to become known at the school in some professional manner. This will end their working together in the future.

The ex had a same sex A.

The OM was single.

So, there is no OBS.

This morning I sent an email to the address I was given from Truthfinders and a few hours later she replied. I'm using a new temporary email for this

In my initial email I said you are X and your husband is Y and he works at Z there is something you should know about your husband and my wife.

She replied yes and yes and yes and what is it I need to know?

So I laid out everything. When I had my face to face with him four days after I discovered the affair I asked the "Why..."question and his response was "my wife cheated on me" and I let his wife know he said that

It appears that was a lie. She said "I find it incredible he is trying to blame me". She also said that she was having breast surgery to rule out cancer the month I discovered the affair was going on

She also said this is not the first time he's done this.

I apologizd to her for not telling her sooner and she said there was no reason to blame myself and she's not angry at me.

And now my Spidey Sense is tingling so I am still going to draft a letter and have a messenger hand deliver it to her at home just in case he is the person responding

Now that you're in contact, consider asking for a phone number so you can call with additional detail. That's another way to verify it isn't him.

[This message edited by 1994 at 8:12 PM, Monday, September 16th]

She did Offer her phone number But I don't want to take a chance on him Getting it from her So I'm keeping everything email