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Hi All,

I had a weird (and ultimately distressing) day last week.

I met with a new therapist in the morning and I was pleased with the session (although it was quite intense).

This therapist specialises in DBR (deep brain reorientation). As I mentioned before, I have been working on myself restlessly in the past 6 months. I made some good breakthroughs while also learning to better regulate, etc. So far it has been a firm exercise of "rationality over emotions". E.g. I learnt to sit with the pain I have caused, even when a part inside of me just wants to get defensive (I am in no way perfect, but I have improved).

DBR should help to get also my "instincts" / "emotions" up to date with what I learnt so far "rationally" (for the sake of brevity I won’t provide further examples, but happy to expand if this point is not clear).

All in all, I felt reassured after the session.

Absolutely unrelated to the above, I received some messages in the evening. They were from an old acquaintance. Nothing ever happened with this person, and I haven’t seen the person in ages. The messages were friendly, not inappropriate (although random and totally unsolicited, as I have nothing to say to this person!).

And I failed. I told myself that with this "new me" there should not be space for these random messages. I should have blocked the person ages ago (please note I have been avoiding any unnecessary interactions since DDay as much as possible - voluntarily).

So I blocked the person, and then in a split second I decided to delete the conversation. I did not consciously do it to "hide" it. But I slipped in the old mindset "this is nothing, I don’t want to be bothered by this person, I will just block and cancel". I should have shared it with my BS (he saw the notifications but no messages, so it was a massive trigger).

In these past months, wherever I received something that could potentially be "dodgy", I told my BS immediately, even when I knew I was going to raise a storm.

But that evening… I don’t know if it happened because I felt this false sense of security after IC, or because we had had a decent day and I didn’t want something random to spoil it for us. I slipped in an old habit. It felt like I was back in square one.

I can’t lower my guard yet, and it’s with these "small" things that I slip (I have to go now, but I may expand further later).

This post is just for sharing, but any insight or comment is welcome as always

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 11:40 AM, Tuesday, September 22nd]

Okay lonely, no stop sign so I assume you may welcome feedback from the other side.

Let me just say first that what you said that you can now sit with the pain you caused without running away seems a very big deal.
You are owning it, and that’s what I feel is probably the most important turning point for a person to truly and honestly change.

Now the slippery slope.

Of course we don’t have to pretend what that guy was doing by messaging a woman at night.

It ain’t casual or innocent at all. He was testing the waters to check for openings.
You generally don’t go so bluntly on the first approach as "hey I booked an hotel room, wanna join?", he is keeping it casual and "friendly" to allow you plausible deniability and eventually respond him with an opening to follow up.

He is just playing his cards checking "if".

There are very few reasons why you text a woman acquaintance in the night and you have no secondary goals. It’s creating a connection opening a space for intimacy. Just to check.

You said he is an acquaintance, mind if I ask why does he have your number in the first place? Is he someone you interact for life reasons and need to be reachable or did he get your contact through third parties?

Now, you cutting him off is definitely the right call.
And I understand the frustration in noticing that you kept this situation hidden.

You are now learning openness, honesty and respect, but something pushed you to resort again to the old secrecy.
(I suspect because you do feel and know that his intentions aren’t "casual and friendly").

I cutting him off, is a good call.
Did you tell your partner about it? Explaining what you felt and also how you felt by reacting with deleting the texts before informing him?

I know it is hard, and while your self questioning is definitively worth exploring, it is also important to see if you can be transparent even with this occurrence, or you go back to "keeping secrets".

I am not going to lie here, if it was me in your husband, it would probably hurt initially because the wounds are fresh, but on the other hand I don’t see here the usual malice, I see a woman trying to change and facing a deja vu from her past that infuriates her.

But because she finally started caring.

So is not all bad.

Hi BtfS,

Thanks for your honest reply.

The person reached out via social media.
And you are right that he was probably testing waters.

I should have blocked the contact ages ago, but because I never flirted or acted inappropriately, I just let it there. This is obviously due to my own poor boundaries - since DDay I am trying to work on that as well. Hence, yesterday my instinct was to block the contact straight away.

I admit I did not handle it well. I should have mentioned and shown the messages to my BS, before deleting.

I was planning to let him know anyway, but I very stupidity forgot, so it was my BS who confronted me first (all this happened in the span of 40mins - 1h). When he asked the questions I was transparent and honest. Although I realised immediately how wrong I had been in deleting the messages.

I am writing about this because I genuinely did not have "malice" but I still handled everything using my old patterns.

I guess I wanted to feel "normal". Unwanted attention —> delete and block.

No big deal.

Which is a normal reaction for someone in normal circumstances (maybe).

While I, I should have blocked but shared everything with my BS straight away.

I am so careful and then I do this.

I am not writing in a self-pity way. I am upset with myself and I am sorry for the extra pain I have caused. The thing in itself is silly. How I handled it, it shows I still have so much to do (even when I think I am on the right track)

I-can see, you changed the way you write into a more assertive and aware energy.

I like it because I fell you are starting to let go of the self commiseration and you are taking more control of your center.

One note that is unrelated but is usually unspoken and is important in my wiev: the role of social media.

They are not all tinder, but they are all tinder.

Unless it’s for business purposes or (but honestly more rarely) to keep in touch with distant friends or family, they are all a slippery slope into ego validation of feeling desired and appreciated.

If you want to stay in touch with people there are many ways to do it, without needing to put out your show reel for the world to see.

Even if your intended purpose was initially that innocent, it is designed to attract and feed exactly that loop of validation and exposure that leads to infidelity.

It’s a sexual marketplace wether we like to admit it or not.

Nothing terrible (however shallow) when you are single. Poison if you are in a relationship.

That’s a thought I have to share. I see many slipping on the social media bait, and I can’t believe they didn’t know it deep down, that’s a slippery slope.

Closed the off topic.

I can say I get and can picture the situation.

Your man is on hyper vigilance and this is evidence his nerve system isn’t yet capable to relax.

He is on the lookout for anything he observes about you and what surrounds you.

This is normal and while I imagine is harsh to confront from the wayward side, I think it is at the same time a glimmer of hope:

He is still working on metabolizing if you are potentially becoming a safe partner.

This means you aren’t cut off his life, he is torn between wanting to leave and wanting to love. The trauma is just doing what the trauma does.

One very helpful thing from my perspective knowing this chaos:

Bring it up to him, like you brought it up here.

Your emotions, from the surprise, rejection, your reactive behavior and the anger guilt you felt when you realized you reacted by deletion before caring about avoiding secrecy.

I know that each time you bring up to a betrayed partner any topic that may be perceived as surrounding infidelity, is a shitstorm of pain. Because the bs hurts and because you hurt too.

But is like medicating the very wound that still didn’t fully heal, and is amazingly helpful that the WS is the one bringing it up and trying to squeeze the pus out, clean and apply a fresh bandage.

The same way our system is on hyper vigilance for infidelity threats, it is also hyper attuned to see gestures that break that pattern.

Because we expect you to not change, to run and hide and escape from our pain, even if not because you are plotting to do it again, we expect you will keep abandoning us in the solitude of suffering as you abandoned us into betrayal.

Breaking that pattern will hurt, but oh well. I might be wrong but I don’t think I am.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 2:15 PM, Tuesday, September 22nd]

I think you're being a little too hard on yourself. You didn't respond, blocked him and deleted the messages. Pretty normal human behavior.

Of course, while surviving infidelity and trying to reconcile, "normal" doesn't apply. Adjusting to this "new normal" isn't easy and takes time, mostly because there's nothing normal about it.

Bear in mind, too, that most likely your BH is hypervigalent and hypersensitive and hypereverythingelse. That's normal for a BS early on, which means normal behavior doesn't apply.

Dizzy, yet?

I'd imagine it was a trigger for him. I doubt that the situation would have triggered anything at all in a normal marriage. In fact, it's almost safe to say that a spouse might have appreciated a lack of response, blocked and deleted.

This early on your BH is going to experience all sorts of triggers, rational and irrational. While it's certainly a positive sign that you want to avoid anything that might trigger him, walking on egg shells isn't going to work. Triggers are almost impossible to avoid.

At some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, your husband is going to have to learn how to deal with his triggers. Sometimes they truly are irrational. Either way, learning to work through them, learning how to disarm them, is critical to his recovery and healing. It's a skill that has to be developed.

None of this is easy, of course. It's just a part of the process. Kicking yourself in the ass isn't going to help.

Hi LonelyGuilty, it's a learning curve. You are course correcting. It takes time to develop. I know it doesn't feel great, when your eyes open up a little more and you can see more of what was wrong. Keep it up. You can't fix what you can't see, so the seeing comes first. You are doing great, keep it up.

Glad the session went well!

Thank you all for the feedback!

BftS: regarding social media. I have been thinking about it lately, so your comment is really welcome.

I don’t post much (maybe the occasional dog picture), I mainly have them for looking up recipes, some groups, etc. However, since DDay, I have been working a lot around boundaries (with everyone, including female friends).

I don’t like anymore the idea that someone could simply drop me a message like that. I don’t mean to be unreasonably radical, but especially considering the fragile state of my situation, I cannot stand (and afford) that a random message could potentially spoil a hard earned good day (as you and Unhinged said, the wounds are fresh, BS is hypervigilat, nothing is normal in the aftermath of infidelity).

I have told my BS that I am planning to delete my accounts and perhaps create a "shell one" (without using my name) just for the purposes of following food bloggers and watching silly reels (I told him for transparency, so it’s not like I am trying to hide something).

Again, not strictly related to my original post, but I have also stopped interacting with friends who moaned and criticised their husbands non-stop (I will always be emphatic with friends who need a listening ear, but I don’t want to be part in any "spouse-shaming" anymore)

I am trying to shed all the toxicity.

Unhinged: yes, it was a massive trigger. Not the messages themselves, but how I handled it.

The triggers hurt a lot, but I like to think we are learning to go through them faster. They are really intense, but I notice they have a "shorter" life.

You are course correcting. It takes time to develop. I know it doesn't feel great, when your eyes open up a little more and you can see more of what was wrong. Keep it up. You can't fix what you can't see, so the seeing comes first. You are doing great, keep it up.
Glad the session went well!

Thank you Pippin. I appreciate your perspective so much. It does feel like my eyes keep opening a little more. So accurate.

Thanks everyone, I truly mean it.

Thank you all for the feedback!

BftS: regarding social media. I have been thinking about it lately, so your comment is really welcome.

I don’t post much (maybe the occasional dog picture), I mainly have them for looking up recipes, some groups, etc. However, since DDay, I have been working a lot around boundaries (with everyone, including female friends).

I don’t like anymore the idea that someone could simply drop me a message like that. I don’t mean to be unreasonably radical, but especially considering the fragile state of my situation, I cannot stand (and afford) that a random message could potentially spoil a hard earned good day (as you and Unhinged said, the wounds are fresh, BS is hypervigilat, nothing is normal in the aftermath of infidelity).

I have told my BS that I am planning to delete my accounts and perhaps create a "shell one" (without using my name) just for the purposes of following food bloggers and watching silly reels (I told him for transparency, so it’s not like I am trying to hide something).

Again, not strictly related to my original post, but I have also stopped interacting with friends who moaned and criticised their husbands non-stop (I will always be emphatic with friends who need a listening ear, but I don’t want to be part in any "spouse-shaming" anymore)

I am trying to shed all the toxicity.

Well done brother / sister (or sis bro 😎)

I like to see your growth in maturity and I don’t know if you just realize just how perceivable the change in your energy has been since you first popped in here.

But I see a woman who is finally starting to embrace herself and learning to love herself.

No matter what happens, you will be in a better place if you keep evolving into a better version of yourself.

And your man, he will see that too. Energy is unspoken, but is magnetic far more than words.

Try holding it dear even when you confront the painful talks when you approach your husband’s pain. He is hurting but your good energy will be healing as much as your words of honesty, truth, disclosure and apology.

It’s an animal thing, and energy talk to the emotions far more than words.

Now you spotted few very important things:

Social media, is relationship cancer. I know and can believe you use them for a stated purpose that is not joking up with random people, but random people use it exactly to hook up with random people.

From experience it was girls who wanted to hookup with me who dragged me into social media, and in times of low or laziness social media were the place where you could find easy and fast sexual fix when you couldn’t be bothered and wanted to skip the "go out, meet people" preparation process.

And millions of people do use it exactly like that. Preparing their option pool for ego validation or random sexual encounters. That’s why I say they aren’t all tinder but they are all tinder.

And there’s value in social media beyond that, like finding recipes or pet advice etc, keep in touch with friends (better if same sex friends as far as safety goes) etc.

But you don’t need to post your bikini or vacation pictures or selfies to do that right? Those who do that are showing their showreel for a very obvious thing. And ain’t recipes, it’s a calling card.

Your idea of making a fake account is actually good. Both for your privacy and to avoid been bothered by cat calling and fishing expeditions for sex.

Your friends can still keep in touch with you even if your account presents as an old grumpy grandpa with anger issues and a big heavy walking stick!

Then you can browse all recipes and chat with friends without the risk of random Jason or Jamie messaging you about "your beautiful eyes" or how "you look amazing, wanna grab a coffee sometimes?".

Get the best of both worlds!

About your bitching friends:

Also good call and proof you are developing a more evolved sensitivity towards emotional pitfalls.

Men or women doing that doesn’t make a difference: when you are whining about your partner with friends behind your partner’s back, you are already committing betrayal.

That’s because you’re leaking out the emotional energy that should be reserved for your relationship outside, to receive validation and reinforcing your unresolved issues.

Keeping it secret from your partner of course. They don’t get back home and tell their partner "you know, I have been shitting on you with my friends badmouthing you the whole evening!", best one does is eventually telling their partner how bad the "other husbands / other wives" are for their friends, so to soothe the guilt you feel towards having done the same to your husband/wife.

Does this sounds about familiar?

And your emotional intelligence seems to have evolved and developed enough to be put off by this behavior.

Mind you, it’s a common slippery slope that tricks people into doing this, because we are used to complain about coworkers, family even kids most of time. But those are very different kind of relationships compared to your life partner.

There is sides of love. There is Eros, Philia, Storge, Agape.

Your family and kids fall upon storge, the unconditional love but completely asexual.

Philia and agape are reserved to friends and random humanity.

You either have unbreakable unconditional love for one group, Storge, no matter how you criticize it the love is absolute, or much loser ties with Agape (coworkers, random people, humanity in general).

Ties with philia, the friendly love, are also looser so it happens you criticize some of your friend’s decisions with other friends…. But you do still feel kind of bad afterwards don’t you? Because it’s not really cool. You wouldn’t be friend for long with a friends who badmouth you behind your back, instead of confronting you.

And finally the part that sets off your feelings of being out off and taking distance from these girls.

The ties with Eros, the lover’s love, the one reserved only for you and your partner. The one that can only survive if it keeps burning and any external leak outside of its emotional energy will eventually kill the flame.

That’s what they are doing, that’s one of the first steps toward infidelity and end of love.

And you consciously or not, know it, recognize it, and ultimately are repulsed by it.

Which means you are embracing yourself and finding your center.
It doesn’t make you weak.

It actually makes you strong.

And your man is going to see it one day. If there is anything that has a hope to ever rekindle the fire you two used to have, is going to be this yours new inner spark.

Feed it for your man, but above all for yourself.

You are getting closer to reclaim your center.

Good job "brother"

My feedback is a combo of pippin and unhinged. I don’t really have anything to add, but I just wanted to chime in with some encouragement:

You are dedicated to your own recovery and that of your marriage. However things land this work is going to help you in ways that are hard for you to yet fathom. You will not always be able to control triggering your husband while you are in the stages of understanding what has happened. However, how you respond and work through it with him will be new opportunities to restore connection and trust even if it feels topsy turvy in the moments and days surrounding the event. Part of reconciling is in the struggle to understand one another, and both parties have an opportunity to see how that improves over time. The only way it improves is if you continue to practice sitting in those feelings. You will get better at it and the more you do the sturdier you are going to feel to him. That provides the opportunity to help absorb some of his pain.

I think the was a ws is in the beginning is we are so filled with our high emotions it doesn’t leave as much space to hold for the bs. And the more we grow to self mastery the more space we can hold for them. This is how we begin showing security. And what these squirmishes do is provide benchmarks. As we navigate those and grow we will raise the benchmark again and again over time and that’s how the bs is able to feel progress.

Well I guess I did have more to say there but I did feel like you need to be compassionate and patient with yourself—-what we give ourselves we have to give others.

I can’t guarantee this will lead to the marital outcome you hope for, but keep leaning in and you are giving yourself the best chance. If not, you are healing and providing him an environment in which his healing is possible too.

Progress over perfection in a marathon. Pace yourself and keep breaking records.